3 Ways Stress May Affect Your Relationships

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Most people will admit to being stressed, without hesitation.  However, there is a difference acute stress and chronic stress. Often our clients may find themselves annoyed, cranky and not in the mood for days and weeks at a time.  While this may seem like a rough patch or those moments when we’re not getting along, the true culprit may be good old fashioned stress.

GRAB YOUR TICKETS FOR OUR AMAZING APRIL EVENTS!

April 11: Life+Meditation Circle April 17: Smash Therapy for Singles
April 18: Smash Therapy for Couples April 25: Intimacy Circle with Dr. Lottie

  • Work stress.

  • Life stress.

  • Lack of balance stress.

  • All the stress.

So, here are three ways that stress may affect your relationships, and why we’re hosting four events in April to help you deal.

The First Way: You Are Tired

Being tired is a given in life.  At some, we are exhausted by our obligations, and sometimes even our opportunities.  When we are stressed, being tired is not usually far behind.  Our bodies are taxed by the elevated levels of hormones and the responses of our nervous system being on high alert.  As such is the case, we may lack energy, and just want to lie down or goto sleep.  Your partner may wonder what’s going on, even more than you do.  If you’re constantly feeling burdened or just exhausted—like you just ran a half marathon, then it’s time to make some changes.

The goal is to turn off your fight or flight response with some rest and digest.  Whatever has you stressed out is more than likely something that you cannot control.  If that is the case, consider what you can do to relax and ground yourself.

  • Meditation?

  • Yoga?

  • Watch a hilarious movie?

  • Do something you enjoy? Yes, you’re stressed out about not having time, but imagine how much better you will feel once you laugh, stress or even cry.

The Second Way: You are Not Interested…

…in anything!  Stress can not only affect your energy level but your desire for even the most pleasurable events…even sex.  Sometimes you’re just not in the mood, we get it, but your partner may not. At some point, you have to take inventory of why you’re not interested, and if you find that stress is the culprit, do your level best to bring it down some notches.

Whatever you do, don’t continue to make excuses.  Being disinterested is telling you that something is out of whack, especially if you’re taking a pass on your favorite activities with your favorite person (people).

The Third Way: You are Cranky

Yes it is normal to be cranky from time to time, but it’s not normal to be cranky most of the time, or at the same time every day.

If you’re not sleeping, that can be stressful and you’ll find yourself lacking the capacity to deal with even routine nonsense—especially with that one co-worker (yeah, that one).

How do you know if you’re stressed because of a lack of quality sleep or rest at night?  Look at how you wake up.  Waking up tired usually is the first indicator of a night of unrest.  Need caffeine to function—another clue.

So, in the end, stress is normal, but being stressed all the time, more often than not, is not the norm.  That being said, if anything in this article applies to you, it’s time to do something different.

And we have a few options for you. (Wink!)

GRAB YOUR TICKETS FOR OUR AMAZING APRIL EVENTS!

April 11: Life+Meditation Circle April 17: Smash Therapy for Singles
April 18: Smash Therapy for Couples April 25: Intimacy Circle with Dr. Lottie

Continue reading “3 Ways Stress May Affect Your Relationships” →

Newly Single? How to Financially Get Over Your Ex (from www.hicharlie.com)

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Breakups are painful and confusing. All of a sudden, your life is completely different and you now need to deal with everything on your own — including financial matters. Even though your heart is bruised and mind is dazed, you need to take charge of your money and financially get over your ex. This is especially true if they handled the household budget or were the main breadwinner.

To avoid adding money misery to your heartache, follow these 10 tips:

Adjust Quickly

It’s natural to wallow in the pain, binging on ice cream and Netflix. However, you need to acknowledge your new reality as soon as possible. If you don’t, you could find yourself in a financial world of hurt. Once you’ve come to grips, you can make a plan.

Determine Your Living Situation

If you and your ex live together, you need to decide who stays in the house or apartment. If unmarried with the mortgage or lease in only one of your names, the decision is easy. But, if it’s a joint venture, you’ll need to partner on a solution.

For owned property, the fairest route may be to sell and split the proceeds. (Or, one of you could buy out the other.). If you are navigating a divorce, the terms of the divorce will decide what happens to the home.

For rented property, you’ll need to involve your landlord. They can make official changes to the lease so that you or your ex is no longer legally responsible for paying rent. If neither of you can afford the apartment on your own, you may need to sublet, re-let, or break the lease.

Regardless of whether you’re staying or going, you need to consider the financial impact. If your ex is leaving, you’ll lose their income. If you’re leaving, you’ll lose their income and need to come up with the cash to move.

Take Stock of Possessions & Debt

A moment ago, everything was shared. Now, it’s a definite case of yours and theirs. Regardless of marital status, anything owned before the relationship typically stays with you. If you’re not married, you and your ex should divvy up items acquired together, or choose to sell them and share the profits. Joint bank accounts should be split fairly and then closed. Further, if you incurred debt together, you should divide responsibility for the balances and close those accounts (preventing your ex from racking up more debt you’d be liable for). Typically, unless there is a dispute, legal intervention is not required.

If you’re getting divorced, your state laws will determine how assets and debts are divided (prenuptial agreements will have an impact as well). In most states, the court will distribute assets and liabilities fairly (not necessarily equally). In the nine community property states, everything obtained during the marriage is split 50-50. Be sure to understand the terms of your divorce or custody arrangement, if applicable, so that you can take advantage of everything that you’re entitled to.

Tip: Don’t forget to change the name on the utility accounts! You don’t want to be responsible for paying for electricity, heat, water, or internet after you move out.

Open Up Your Own Accounts

To move forward, you need to completely separate your finances from your ex. After closing your jointly held asset and debt accounts, open up any new ones that you need. Make sure that anything tied to money is in your name only.

Make (and Stick to) a Budget

You’re now in charge of running your own household and need to set a new budget to reflect that. Add up all of your expenses, including debt payments. Then, add up all of your income sources, factoring in alimony/child support, if applicable.

If your income falls short of your expenses, you need to make quick adjustments to your spending/find ways to increase cash flow. And, even though it’s tempting, try to avoid post-breakup retail therapy, which could cause you more grief and regret.

Tip: If you’re new to budgeting (or are a little rusty), try using a worksheet like this. There are also countless online tools and calculators like these that can help. Remember, Charlie can help you track your debt and spending so that you can stick to your newly created budget.

Update Legal Documents

Unless otherwise required by the terms of your divorce, now’s the time to take your ex out of your will and off of your list of beneficiaries. Be sure to update these documents and name new beneficiaries.

Understand Tax Implications

If you’re divorcing, consider speaking with an accountant to see how your tax liability will change. Generally, single people pay higher taxes. If your income tax withholding is set as “married,” you may want to adjust it by filling out a new w4 form with your employer(s).

Revisit Your Retirement Plan

Since you’re now flying solo, you should re-evaluate your retirement plans. Of course, a lot can change between now and your golden years, but you should ballpark how much money you’ll need if you’re just covering yourself. If you’re divorcing, retirement plan assets accumulated while married are subject to division as part of the proceedings. This monetary gain (or loss) will impact how much more you need to save. Finally, if you’re going to be financially strapped for awhile, consider if it makes sense to suspend contributions to your retirement plan until you’re back on your feet.

Keep Tabs on Your Credit

Your credit situation will change as you close some accounts and open others. Keep a close eye on your credit report to make sure all activity reported is accurate. If you haven’t already, remove your ex as an authorized user on any accounts that you’re keeping.

Tip: If you think your ex may purposefully use your cards, consider changing your credit card account numbers or freezing your credit.

Get Help

If you’re feeling lost and overwhelmed, ask for help. This is a difficult time and there are resources to make this transition easier. Your family and friends can offer support, encouragement, and distraction from the current drama. Community services can connect you with food, housing assistance, career development resources, and more if you’re feeling pinched. Finally, professionals can help with the legal, mental health, and financial planning aspects of this challenging chapter.

This article is for general guidance only. Since every situation is different and laws vary widely from state to state, you’re encouraged to seek the advice of a qualified professional before taking action.

Final Thoughts

Ending a relationship is one of the most difficult parts of the human experience. In a way, your world is ending. But, in a way, it’s just beginning, too. If you follow the tips in this article and lean on your support system, you’ll be well on your way to owning (and loving) your new single, empowered life.

This article was written by Laura Gariepy and originally published on www.hicharlie.com  

Four Things a Celebrity Can Teach Us About Love

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I know, you’re probably wondering…what in the world? A celebrity? What could any celebrity teach me about love? Celebrities are the most dysfunctional relationships ever seen. True–in most cases, however, there are some things that celebrities can teach us about love and relationships, so let’s take a look.

New From @kymoore1: Say Yes! Campaign – What the Heck?!

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Your ‘Say YES!’ campaign begins with a “What the Heck?!” attitude. This attitude gives the feeling that what you’re about to do will be light, casual, and a bit thrilling.

Remember to ‘Say YES!’ means you want to

1) Say YES! to Hope Again
2) Say YES! to Seeing Your Life with New Glasses
3) Say YES! to Changing the Conversation You Are Having with Yourself
4) Say YES! to Knowing How the Story Will End. Surrendering All of the Endings of Your Stories and Be Intentional About It.

[adsenseyu6] So What the Heck?! Here we go….here are some everyday opportunities to “Say YES!”

  • At Starbucks, standing in line ~ Say YES! to saying hello to the person in front or behind you
  • While walking down the street, you notice someone who interests you or you noticed someone has noticed you. Say YES! to make direct eye contact for 10 seconds.
  • At the checkout, Say YES! to the cashier to asking how their day is going and appreciating their help
  • At the gym, Say YES! to the person who cuts in front of you getting into the class or walking in the gym. Let them go first.
  • You’re in conversation to a friend, co-worker or family member, Say YES! to not evaluating or judging them or comparing yourself. Change the conversation you are having.
  • Someone invites you to go or do something you would normally say no to ~ Say YES! Go and decide in advance you are going to have a good time.

What the Heck?! It always seems impossible until you do it. The key is the power of your ‘Yes!’ in the small things and big things in your everyday life.

So what will you Say Yes! to this week?

New from @KingdomKid725: Are YOU Being Walked on?

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[adsenseyu2]

Intro and Review

Hey everybody!

Last month around I put a lot of emphasis on this gold standard in regard to how you want to build a relationship. I put particular emphasis on those even the closest to you. However, before we go into that, let’s review.

Everyone you know will fall into one of these three categories:

1) Those who wish to do no more with you but exploit and abuse you for their own selfish gain.
2) Those who have your best interest but not the best data to convey their wishes.
3) Those connected to a higher standard and want to do right by you just because you are you.

Got it? Well think about it like this. If you have a co-worker that falls into category #1, you can distance yourself…and leave work at work (we’ll talk about that concept a little later). If you have some sort of casual acquaintance, or someone you’ve only known for a set amount of time, you can boot them on out of your business.

A New Quandary

Well, what if you have someone in Category #1, or even Category #2 and they are your homie? Or your BFF? Or worse yet, your mother or father?! Yes there are dysfunctional family dynamics out there, and left to themselves, those dynamics will only produce after themselves. Well, you know you have charge to live your own life, but you’re supposed to love your parents right?

So what the heck do you do?

Well, there’s a difference between servanthood and what I like to call “doormat’ism”. Servanthood is doing things for folks and putting your all into it because you want to see them become the best thing anybody’s ever seen with zero strings attached (this would make you a Category #3’er in their lives). “Doormat’ism” is when your entire life revolves around what they want.

I want to briefly talk about why this is BAD from two perspectives:

1) Anyone you date will be dating your family and NOT you. Don’t be that person who is apologizing for who you date. No you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone uncouth, but even if you are you don’t owe your parents/family an apology for that in of itself. Understand that it’s bad, get out, learn your lesson, and move on. Even your significant other is on the up and up (and they are a “Category #3’er”), sometimes your folks may not approve. In these cases, you gotta stand up and put your foot down. While this has to be in love, it does have to be. Otherwise….

You know cult followers? They “followed” someone too.

 

2) You deliberately follow short of that higher standard I keep yammering about. And I yammer on it because that higher standard works. Your mother, while she loves you, doesn’t know tomorrow today. Your dad, who may just want you prepared for the world, wasn’t around when the foundation of the world was laid. While they may know more than you practically, that doesn’t mean that (1) you’re no less an adult or (2) you have less access to the higher standard than they do. Get your own mind and be the best thing anyone’s ever seen. [adsenseyu7]

You don’t want to follow anything blindly but that higher standard to get to that commission that you’re here for.

Remember this, know what you follow, as sheep tend to get slaughtered. Will this kill you here? No, but you won’t be much of rockstar following any PERSON blindly either.

Until next time!

New from @kymoore1: Your “Say YES!” Campaign

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So how do you and I start Living A Better Story? Isn’t that what you and I want? We’ve heard all of the concepts and to-do lists. We’re read everybody else’s story, which is often written AFTER they are on the other side and it is all pretty. Well, that’s not me, and that’s not my story. I suspect that is not you story either. Personally, I’m into more sensible things I can start in the here and now to get me going.

The first sensible place, and I would argue the best place, to start is to begin your very own “Say YES!” campaign. Not just getting up and starting a new day with another resolution and disciplining yourself with another behavior that usually doesn’t end up lasting. Rather it is about investing in a profound change of your heart, one that starts in your head with a clear decision, and drifts to your heart.

For instance it is not “I’m not going to call him today” or “I’m not going to think about what is happening or going on right now.” Okay, okay….maybe it is “I’m going to pray, go to church, go to counseling, etc.” These resolutions are all really good things to consider, and will even contribute to living a better story for awhile.

However, this campaign is more real and realistic as a first step if you DECIDE, before there is enough proof, to decide to:

1) Say YES! to Hope Again

2) Say YES! to Seeing Your Life with New Glasses

3) Say YES! to Changing the Conversation You Are Having with Yourself

4) Say YES! to Surrendering All of the Endings of Your Stories and Be Intentional About It.

These four decisions will serve as a premise, something that helps support a conclusion, and is considered to be true for the expressed purpose of experiencing a better story. This part is particularly hard for the thinking women out there who want something more practical to do!

This “Say Yes” campaign can help you change your very thinking one decision at a time to find hope when you feel hopeless. It can give you new lenses from which to view your life when the same scene appears. It can change the devastatingly negative, insecure conversation you have with yourself on a daily basis, and if you are anything like me I bet you have lots of conversations going on.

“Say Yes!” campaigns have the potential, if you let it, to end the madness of watching the same movie of life over and over with the same characters replaced with different faces and story lines.

Have you even seen Groundhog Day, the movie? It’s hilarious! Bill Murray, a reporter, gets up to film Punxsutawney Phil, a groundhog, let the world know when winter is over and spring is here. He’s got a mad crush on Andie McDowell, his producer. Once he figures out the same maddening story is happening day after day, he finally chooses to change his mind and go about his day to affect a different outcome. What’s even crazier it is an entire 2-hour movie!

What am I saying? I am asking you to think about a heart change. We don’t get a chance to do our lives over each day like Bill Murray, but we do have a choice today. Will you begin your “Say YES” campaign today or continue to be stuck in the same scene tomorrow?

Next time ~ The Everyday Opportunities to “Say YES!”

The Professor: Are Your “Peeps” Helping or Hurting?

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Welcome back folks!  Last time around I simply introduced the relationships concept to you….in case you didn’t remember, let’s just re-introduce the concept of a healthy relationship.

Let’s Bring Back Healthy Relationships

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached.  These are given for the sole reason that each person wants to see the other reach the full potential that they are supposed to have.  You know, to do this, you have to see their full potential from the perspective of that greater standard I spoke of last month.  Otherwise, you’ll get a preconceived idea of what they are supposed to look like, or worse than that, get deceived into believing they’ll never do any better.

Sounds like someone in your life?  Your significant other maybe?  Could be, but what about your mother?  Best friend?  Cousin? Co-worker?  Mentor?

Your “PeopleNet”

You know that saying, “You are the company you keep?”  Well it’s kind of true.  You can be the company you keep…depending on their influence level and their intent.  You can break people in your lives down into three basic categories:

1)    Those who are seeking to use/abuse/subdue you outright.

2)    Those who have your best interest but not the best data to convey their wishes.

3)    Those connected to a higher standard and want to do right by you just because you are you.

People in category one may not get awful close to you because you can see their manipulative ways coming, or after “X” amount of times you don’t want to deal with them.  You want as many folk in category number three as you can get; they have both the knowledge and the intent to be great resources to you.

I’m talking about people in category number two.  These folks are close to you but either give you wacky counsel or just weigh you down.  While people in category number three will help you and alleviate weight, people in category two will weigh you down with preconceptions.  If you twist my arm, we could bring in a fourth category, of the “serial dumpers”…those who just bring their issues to you over and over and over again.  Those folk annoy ya don’t they?

Well, the people you keep, positive or negative, I’d like to call the “PeopleNet”.  And they have potential to help or harm you in regard to finding a suitable mate or finding a suitable purpose.  For more information on “PeopleNets”, you can click this link.

“PeopleNets” and Significant Others

If your significant other gets close enough to you, the two of you get married and you become family, become one.  Right? Right.  Well the same can go with friends as well, or anyone in your life.  They can become (like) family.   And family become often like acquaintances.  Well if you have a dysfunctional dynamic with the folks around you, how marketable does that make you in relationships?  Not very?  Didn’t think so.  Even one dysfunctional relationship can dictate the pace of all the others if that person is close enough.

 

Ever take an argument with your mother or father to your friends or your significant other?  That target of your rage stops reacting to you don’t they?  Better to make sure folks are in the right category of person, right?

 

For next month: Consider this, there is a gold standard even for those closest to you.   And next week, we’ll talk about them.

 

Until next time….

Kimberly Moore: Isn’t It Time to Live A Better Story?

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Isn’t it time to LIVE a better story? I recently wrote about Allowing for Loss – Finding Life and Love. It was a weighty, but necessary topic. Can I be honest? I really wish there was another way to get to the other side. I mean does it really take losing to gain? I have earnestly searched and tried to find another way. There just isn’t one that ends in true fulfillment. But after you get on the other side, I have found a better story to live.

Why continue to live the same old story and get the same old results? Life is about living and being (or experiencing). Ladies, we can sure “do” a lot. We plan well. We multi-task well. We get things done. The news flash for us is life is more about living and being. In all of our doing, we somehow forget to be, to experience and breathe in the things around us. And being is really what we were created to “do” best – be open, be vulnerable, be loving, be life-giving, be fun, be smart, be interesting, be playful. As women, the very thing that attracts people and opportunities to us is ironically what we avoid most. Why? Could it be that it’s not valued, and people perceive them as weakness?Most of us want to tell a better story about our lives, although telling our story is more of an external experience. It’s also pretty safe. But to live a better story, you are invited to take the risk to be and show who you really are from the inside out. In the past 20 years alone, we’ve gotten access to “do” more. And we have – maybe too much. It’s great. It’s exciting. But it costs us too.Let’s change that. Over the next few weeks, may I extend a challenge to you to work on your story? This will not be a “how to” get the love of your life, 9 steps to being the woman you want to be, etc. It is simply an invitation to a process of exploring, or even discovering, what may be eluding your experience as woman:
  • Love both receiving & giving
  • Intimacy
  • Authenticity
  • Being honest with yourself and others
  • Communicating who you are and being heard, understood and affirmed
  • Settling the matter that you are good enough – period
  • Having a hope that doesn’t disappoint – that you can and will experience healthy, loving relationships.
Feeling a little excited? Or little overwhelmed about the whole thing? That’s ok. Remember this is an invitation. And like any invitation YOU get to choose to accept, decline, or even resist and ignore it. For these next weeks to really matter you are asked to engage with your whole heart, that part of you that allows you to “be” the woman you want to see on the outside. When resistance comes, tell it no. It’s very important to decide to be open to what may come or you may just find yourself reading another good blog post. Rather a good blog post that might help you LIVE a better story for your life and love. Are you ready? What do you have to lose…more life?
Let’s Go…
– Show quoted text –

Kimberly Moore: Do you REALLY Have Room for Something New?

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I’m a fan of Twitter. I have fun sharing moments of my life, learning from people and being inspired. I may never personally meet those I learn from or inspired by, but sometimes, for a moment, I meet them by replying to their tweets or join their work through my retweets. I love it even more than Facebook.

Let me use one of my favorite people I follow on Twitter to illustrate the idea of “Allowing for Loss.” Shaun King (@shaunking) is a guy who has done a lot in his life, including serving as a pastor of a growing church in Atlanta, and being founder of TWITCHANGE, which is a game-changer for using social media to get causes in the forefront of audiences on Twitter with over 30K followers. Last spring, he experienced great loss in losing both of those jobs, selling almost everything his young family of 5 had. Sensing it was best for his family to make a clean break from Atlanta with no job or clear purpose; they decided to take up an offer to move to California, stay with another family and figure out what’s next. Undeniably great loss of daily friendships, their home and dreams. An excavation of the heart for sure. But he did. In doing so, new doors opened. New purpose HopeMob @Hope, just moved into a new home, received invitation  from White House that he had to turn down, and raising a family member’s daughter.

When we decide to excavate our hearts, loss is what we feel first and most. Even if it’s our idea! Even if it’s good for us. Rather, we often think when we allow for loss it only means something is subtracted from our lives, or even funnier maybe is that we think something is wrong because we have lost.  Maybe that’s the pain or fear speaking to us.

What if it’s right that we lost this or that? What would happen if you or I allowed loss to be a natural part of life like growing up?

What do you and I get in the end? We begin to store up experiences of responding well and allowance for loss. We start to think differently about loss and our ability to stay whole in the process. We build confidence of our ability in our heart that we will live and not die because of these losses. We make room in our hearts and life for the best kind of love and relationships.

Click here to take a journey to see if you’ve allowed for loss. Choose today to find your life and love planned and awaiting you. Make room in your life now.

I’m in process too and betting on it being worth it all.  What’s your story? How have you allowed for loss? Was it worth it all?