How our human battery looks when we're tired of this and that.

CONFESSION: I’m tired of…

Social Share Toolbar

Tired of… These days, it doesn’t take much to become tired of something.  Sometimes we’re just tired of our hectic lives and mundane schedules.   Other times, we’re of something particular: the relationship that won’t get back on the right track; the dream that is taking its sweet time coming to pass; the child that acts if they were raised by wolves, despite coming from your very own womb…things like that.

Well, here’s the good news: It’s okay to be tired of whatever you find yourself tired of.

Here’s more news: It’s not okay to stay tired.

If we’re willing to accept that being tired is our fault, then there are many things that we can do to put an end to our tiredness.  Why is it out fault? Because many of things that we are tired of, we cannot control, or change.  So, we’re tired because we have exhausted our energy by putting it into a place that cannot return the investment.

How do you change the relationship that won’t get back on track?  Either accept that it’s going to be the way that it is, or get out of the relationship.  When we stay and try to fix it, and make it change, or change the other person, that doesn’t work…it never works!  So, here we are tired of this relationship.  No, what we’re tired of is things not being the way we think they should be, or not serving us in a positive way.  So deal with it! Seriously.

Same thing with your dreams…are you tired because you’ve done all you can do, or because you did the bare minimum and it didn’t pay off?  Ask yourself, why is this taking so long…is it me? Or…the dream?  Sometimes dreams take as long as they are going to take.  Again, you can accept that or get a new dream.  What’s your choice?  Visionaries these grand individuals who dream vividly, but can also be very, VERY impatient.  But if you’re willing to stay the course and be diligent…I do believe that the manifestation of said dream is closer than you might think.

We’ve saved the best for last…

Now the child…that may be a hard one, or any family member.  But, again, what are you tired of?  Are you tired of trying to get them to clean their room, or do their homework?  Find a purpose? Stop hanging out with him or her?  What if you stop trying?  What if you decide this is unacceptable and that you’re not going to discuss it with them anymore?  After spending weeks, months or years dealing with this situation, what happens if you declare this as the last month for this situation because he or she is going to start seeing a life coach and if that doesn’t change anything then boarding school (or military school) it is.  Wow! That sounds harsh; however, what else are you going to do?

We’ve told you that you deserve the best life (and love), so it’s time to take that to heart and stop being tired of situations that you cannot control or change in your own power.  Make a decision that is best for you (and your sanity), and start being tired of being relaxed…not worrying…not stressing.  See, that doesn’t even make sense.

But…you get the idea. Love YOU! Mean it!

 

Cast of Little Women LA Season Five

Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told One of the Little Women

Social Share Toolbar

We heart Little Women!  Tonya Banks (aka “Little Boss) is one the big stars of Lifetime’s hit reality show, “Little Women: LA.”  Recently, Tonya became obsessed with marrying her longtime on-and-off-and-on-and-off live-in boyfriend Kerwin.  Kerwin and Tonya share an adult daughter, and after 20-something years of dating and mating, he moved from Texas to California to give Tonya the committed relationship she FINALLY figured out that she wanted from him.  Emphasis on FINALLY!

So what’s the issue?  Tonya wants to be a wife, but doesn’t act like one.  Period.  Little Women: LA is chock full of large personalities and Tonya is one.  As an independent woman (, she is used to doing things her way.  Okay, we get it, but you’re way is not the married way.  In fact, she said in a recent episode that she is not going to change her ways until she knows that this is forever.  In watching her, I see a self-centered individual who is afraid of true vulnerability because it hasn’t paid off in the past.  Self-protection makes sense, it’s a basic animal right, but it doesn’t quite make you wife material…sorry, “Boss.”

Thinking that you’ll magically become a wife when you get married is almost laughable.  And, it’s definitely the wrong attitude towards the situation.

TTonya Banks, star of Little Women LAonya, do you really think that this man is going to put a ring on your finger to incite you to change?  We caution women about this all the time, so why should a man not be entitled to the same stance on this issue?  If you want to be seen as a wife, then you should act like one.  You already live with the man, so clearly you have no problem with giving milk without being a cow that is owned–or however the saying goes–so don’t try to get belligerent about needing a ring in order to act like a wife.  “I’m not going to act all wifed up,” she says…hmmmmm…

Tonya is also not listening.  She is quick to tell her fellow Little Women stars that she wants to be married.  But she is not quick to listen to what Kerwin is saying on the matter.  Ultimately, Tonya is lucky to be with a man who is telling her what is lacking in their relationship pre-nuptials.  In doing so, he is giving them a chance to resolve their issuesssssss.  Additionally, while she is campaigning for wifedom, she tells the camera that she is still waiting for the shoe to drop (aka from them to break up…AGAIN).  So which is it?  Even Kerwin feels as if she is not fully committed…and that is a real problem.

As a client, I would talk to Tonya about her vision for being a wife, and what she hopes to gain from being married.  It seems that there are some very idyllic thoughts behind her desire to be married, (especially as the only Little Women: LA cast member who is not “all wifed up”) and it’s best to get to the bottom of those before you stroll down the aisle and say “I do.”

#StephHasSpoken

Beautiful image of letting go

Why You’re Not Letting Go

Social Share Toolbar

Letting go.  Two words that are tossed around like they are easy to do.  Inevitably, we will have enough relationships in our lives that sometimes we have to consider letting go of relationships…even if only for a season (or two).

While it’s easy to say the words, it’s not easy to do.  Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care, or that you have someone else that you’d rather be close to.  Letting go means that you no longer want to put energy into the relationship.  So, for the sake of your own edification, consider the following reasons why you are not letting go.

There’s something that you have to do.  Sometimes when we cannot let go, there’s a really good reason: there is something that we have to do for this person, for ourselves, or for the relationship as a whole.  Maybe it’s a prayer or days of prayer, or maybe there is something that has to be said.  Whatever it is, honor the feeling that you have and seek out what you have to do…then do it.

You always let go.  Many people have what’s commonly known as “the gift of goodbye.”  This gift allows one to bid anyone a fond (and FAST) ado when they are not behaving as the gifted one feels that they should.  This giftedness is actually a control mechanism, and when we are easy or eager to let people go, there will come a time to teach an old dog new tricks.  And this new trick is not letting go because you want to exert control over the situation that is bugging you.

You don’t know how to “let go.”  Does letting go mean that you delete their number, block their number and act as if the person has disappeared into the a black hole in the middle of the Universe?  No.  Now, others may say otherwise, but letting go doesn’t have to have malicious intent.  If you’re not a mean person, or if letting go feels “mean” to you, then it behoove you to examine what letting go means to you.  Sometimes letting go means that you talk to your journal instead of talking to other people.  Sometime letting go means a total moratorium on discussing the situation with him/her/them, and spending more time doing things that you love…for you.

Another article on Letting Go from WikiHow

Lastly, one of the reasons that you are not letting is because you don’t want to.  When someone comes into your life and they mean something to you, you put energy into that relationship.  When the relationship is unfruitful, you still put energy into it because the person matters to you.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

If you take nothing else from this little “ditty,” then take this: Let go when (and if) you want to.  If this relationship (platonic, romantic, familiar, etc.) means something to you, then you need to process it and its value in your life.  If it still serves you and you see a pot of gold at the end of a currently muted-color rainbow, then by all means, be true to you and honor your intuition.  However, if you’re being emotionally bankrupted by this connection, then it may be time to put your energy on the shelf and grab a massage…and perhaps a margarita…or green tea.  You get the idea.

#StephHasSpoken

 

Relationships to be grateful for? Be thankful

4 Relationships We Should be Thankful For

Social Share Toolbar

Yes, this is the quintessential “Thanksgiving” post.  Nothing too deep, just something to ponder while we are recovering from tryptophan psychosis and cranberry overload.

First up…those we can count on.  Note, that I didn’t say those who love us, because sometimes they are not one in the same.  However, I recently sat in a session with a young man who felt he cannot depend on his fiancee, and that statement has impacted me–hence, this article.  Being someone who people can depend on being able to depend on others is a key to having relationships that are meaningful.  Trustworthiness is often a need of those in our lives, and to fulfill that need, creates a deeper connection between two people.  Sure, these same people may take the last buttered roll, and eat your favorite part of the turkey, but ultimately, you can count on them to be there when the chip are down…so let them eat that turkey leg in peace.

– Now includes a section regarding online dating.

Next…those who give without expectations.  I have people in my life who do this, and I am so thankful for their presence.  Usually, these are the older people in your life who provide wisdom, solace, and even a little “spare change,” if they feel so led.  For me, there is nothing that I can do for these people, but they find my presence to be enough.  This is rare, even in relationships with my peers, and I think this rarity is what makes it so very special.

Third…those who are no longer in our lives.  You knew I couldn’t keep up the meaningful, mushy facade for much longer, right?  While, yes, we do miss those who have passed on, that’s not who I’m referring to.  I’m referring to the people who have vacated the premises of your life through break-up or other forms of termination.  We should be thankful for each of these individuals because they cleared the way for others to come into our lives and be phenomenal with us.  Not everyone who left our lives was bad, but in most cases, we just were not good together, and that is why we’re grateful to them–and for the lessons, we thank you!

Lastly…those who know our story, and love us anyway.  Everyone has a story.  I sit in coaching sessions with couples who have collective and individual stories, and we talk about how the stories shift and intertwine.  Sometimes people know our story–where we’ve come from, if you will–and make every attempt to keep us there.  Others know our story, and love us despite what we’ve said, done, or experienced in our past.  This is another place of solace, and we all need that.

So, there you have it…four relationships we should be thankful for.  Oh yea! There’s one more…the relationship I have with you! (Yes, meaningful and mushy sentiments ride again!)

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

7 Scary Relationships

Social Share Toolbar

There are all kinds of relationships…but here are six that I find a little, and one that I  find really “scary.”

We don’t really know anything about each other.
Consider the fact that most people send their representative out on at least the first 5 dates, and add to that the reality that the majority of people who date don’t want to ask hard questions about the other person, and the possibility of not really knowing anything about each other becomes very real.

But it doesn’t have to stay this way.  Both parties can ask meaningful questions so that they do get to know each other.  Questions such as:

  • What are your expectations for someone you’re in a relationship with?
  • Have you ever cheated? Why did you (if you did)?
  • What are your life and career goals?

help you come to an understand about who the person you call your “signif” (significant other).

I don’t like you, despite saying I love you.
Admittedly, I spent a decade in a relationship with someone I loved, but didn’t like.  But, liking the person you’re in a relationship with supersedes loving them–believe it or not.  The friendship element of your relationship helps sustain the rest of your relationship.  Out of friendship is born respect, trust, honesty, communication, common ground.  Friendship is the foundation of an amazing love story.

We don’t share anything/our communication sucks.
Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people who don’t let us into their lives.  If this is you, consider sharing some thing that is special, but doesn’t make you uncomfortable.  If you’re person who feels a bit jilted about what you’re not being told, then perhaps its time to look at the root of this situation.

Of course, you could always schedule an intervention or mediation, and we can talk through the things that are not being talked about.

I can’t trust you.
While this is a warning for both guys and gals, guys need to be aware that the gals in their lives need stability.  Stability doesn’t stop with trusting you to take care of things and being financially secure.  Trust and stability starts with keeping your word, calling/coming/doing when you say you will.  Every promise needs to be kept, or admitted that it can’t be kept.  It’s scares people (no pun) to be connected to someone that doesn’t keep their word, or fails to admit when they can’t.

In the end, everyone needs to be able to believe in the person they are with. Your word is your bond.

It’s just sex…REALLY!
You cannot build a relationship that lasts on sex.  You can build a sexual relationship, but to attempt to turn that into something meaningful is usually futile.  If it’s just sex, then that’s a decision that you BOTH should make, along with setting boundaries, getting tested, and agreeing that being physically intimate does not imply or guarantee an exclusive, long-term, or loving relationship.

If you want an exclusive, long-term relationship, you may want to consider exploring sex-free relationships so you can get to know each other and spend quality time without the burden of STDs, pregnancy scares, or late night texts asking, “what are
you doing?”

Lastly, you hurt me.
This is not just about emotional pain, but physical pain as well.  Without going through all the signs of an abusive relationship, the one thing that you have to know is that if you don’t feel safe…you probably aren’t safe.  Not only is today Halloween, but it’s the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness month.  If you’re in an abusive relationship–emotional, physical, financial, etc, perhaps it’s time to make this “last time,” be the LAST TIME.  Get  CONFIDENTIAL help now…

In conclusion, there are definitely some other scary relationships, and if you see your relationship in one of the seven above…there is something you can do about it.  There is no reason to settle for an average relationship when you can have an amazing relationship using the same time, energy and emotions.  Learn more…

Ask Coach Steph: Was My Marriage a Mistake?

Social Share Toolbar

Coach Steph,

Hi! I my name is (NAME WITHHELD) and I am afraid that I have a big problem.  I got married six months ago to a man that I love, and who I thought loved me.  But since the wedding, he has been different.  He’s just not interested in me.  We don’t talk and we don’t go out.  He just comes home and sits in the house.  I have asked what is wrong, and I get a “nothing.”  I don’t know what to do, and now I am wondering if my marriage was a mistake.  I am scared to ask him if he wants a divorce. It’s just been six months.

Help!

-A.K.

Dear A.K.,

I am sorry to hear about your problem.  Recently, I hosted a mediation for a couple in a similar situation, and I am happy to say that now they are doing much better–and planning to stay together.  In your situation, first of all, know that the problem may or may not be you.  Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the new role of husband, or perhaps something has happened financially that is making him distant from you, because he fears he cannot be the husband you want, or that he promised you he would be–men do not do well, when their role of provider is tampered with.

The truth of the matter is, that perhaps you should–CALM AND NICELY–ask him if he wants a divorce (if and only if that feels right).  Asking can remove your fears and stop you from carrying that burden.  Secondly, perhaps being asked such a direct question might coax him into revealing what is really going on with him.  You have to be prepared that he might say yes; however, that is more than likely not the case.

Now…If the divorce question doesn’t feel right–don’t do it, an alternative is to tell him that you’re here and promise to be understanding, whenever he wants to talk…this might also pave the way for him to reveal the issue, if he was afraid of your reaction.  You must keep the promise to be understanding, by the way, or you could cause more damage.

The early stages of a marriage can sometimes be the hardest.  The two of you are merging lives, and trying to build a life together.  This can be stressful, especially if you have been on your own for quite some time.  Consider that this transition is also going on within each of you.  As you move into the roles of husband and wife, understand that most people have no REAL clue what it means to be married.  This is why we offer pre-and post-marital visioning programs, so that couples can set their expectations together, and then live up to them in peaceful co-existence, versus just being married, and having no clue what that means to you individually or collectively.

Check out Allison Vesterfelt’s six tips after six months of marriage…here.

In conclusion, you cannot go on living like this.  I am sure that there is a fair amount of hurt in your heart at this time, and my prayer will be that you’re healed so you may go forward without pain–and the baggage that the pain brings.  Again, I caution you to ask about divorce only if it feels right, and if not don’t.  If you cannot get a meaningful answer from him, I recommend praying and then finding a coach or a counselor–if only for yourself.  Whatever has changed him is substantial, and saving a marriage is no easy feat.  But, continue to walk in love, and keep your household a place of peace, and keep smiling…very soon, this will pass–one way or another.

Keep me posted.

 

3 Reasons Love May Not Be Enough

Social Share Toolbar

Love seems to be the easy part.  People are falling in and out of love every day, and most have no clue why.  But there are others who, despite everything that is wrong with a “loving” relationship, have decided that love alone is the reason to stay–and mind you, some people are being treated really badly.  While the thought of staying committed to the love you have for this person is admirable, and is right up there with enduring a marriage that is failing for the sake of your children…the truth is…love may not be enough, and here are a few reasons why.

Reason One: Love is not synonymous with respect.

If the person that you love doesn’t respect you, then that is a problem.  When your memories of this special person in your life are littered with thoughts of their cheating activities, their lies, and even their bad habits, and the negative effect that they have on you, this is not about whether you love them, this is now a question of whether you love yourself.

Do you?

Reason Two: You may love them, but like them? Eh.

CONFESSION: I spent a long time with a person that I loved, but didn’t like.  While some people will say that love is more important, like is the glue that holds things together.  When I like you, it means that on a basic human level, I think you’re a nice person, a great guy or girl, and that you’re friend material.  Being friend material, and having a friendship within a romantic relationship is optimal.

Reason Three: They do not love you the way you should be loved.

This is usually the problem that most people encounter when they love someone, but the relationship is not quite right.  Just because someone claims to “love you,” that doesn’t mean that they know exactly what that means, or what it means to you.  There are entire programs, like the 5 Love Languages, that try to show people what love language they actually speak.  Some, like me, prioritize quality time, while others gifts or words of affirmation.  If the relationship works, but something is a little off–this may be a place to start. However, if the relationship doesn’t work (this means that you spend more time crying than smiling), then there is a bigger problem.  It’s time to sit down, perhaps use my SWOT Analysis Tool, which is in  The Business of Dating to figure out what is going on. (Click here to get the tool.)  When someone doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved–with respect, friendship, honesty, giving (of their time, energy and emotions) and commitment–that is not something that should be ignored, nor is it something that will go away.  It is a serious situation that requires a response.

In conclusion, it just must be said that love is not enough for a relationship to survive and thrive.  Sometimes we have to admit that and move on.  However, whatever you decide, do what’s best for you, and be encouraged by the lessons this situation has taught you.  There’s ALWAYS a lesson.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

GetFirm_UnderSlider_Footer

Aspen Wedding of Josh Altman

Celebrity Love Notes: Introducing Heather and Josh Altman

Social Share Toolbar

Image result for josh altman marriageJosh Altman and Heather Bilyeu (the soon to be Mrs. Josh Altman) are one of the newest power couples in LA!  Both successful realtors, viewers see multi-million dollar real estate deals delivered each week by Josh and Heather on Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles (#MDLLA).  They have done a great job keeping business and “pleasure” separate, as Josh works for one agency and she with The Agency, owned by the amazingly attractive and successful husband, of Kyle Richards (of Real Housewives Beverly Hills fame)–Mauricio Umansky (www.TheAgencyRE.com).

However, recently, Josh and his brother decided to open a new real estate venture, appropriately named “The Altman Brothers,” and much to Heather’s chagrin, Josh decided that for the sake of their relationship, she will not be involved.

Of course, she was disappointed…make that a little shy of furious.

Despite the 82% (I read somewhere) that agree with Heather, I am going on record that  I agree ONE MILLION PERCENT with Josh!

It takes a very special couple to work and to “play” together.  In a business like real estate, which is competitive (and can be cutthroat), working together could pose some challenges.  The challenges at work, then become the challenges at home, and it’s down hill from there.  Consider the challenges that Heather endured with Madison, if those same issues emerged between Heather and another agent at The Altman Brothers, businessman Josh, then morphs into super-protective fiancé or new husband  Josh Altman, and we have a problem…a big one.  I personally, hate to see Josh when he’s not calm, cool and collected, and I can only imagine how wrong that can go in real life.

Hopefully, Heather has seen the light (since this was taped many moons ago), and recognizes that being separate in their professional endeavors will allow them to have professional happenings to share during their quality times at home, but will also keep them from having their personal lives overrun by real estate.  As a couple, it is imperative that this time is used to get to know each other –even better than they do now.  This is the time for deep discussions about our future and our children, NOT to be distracted by some deal that went South the day before, nor to explore the quickest way to entice a buyer for a $20.2 million compound in the Hollywood Hills.

What anyone can learn from this situation, is that if you have a significant other who is actively taking responsibility for the success of the relationship, then that is a good thing…this is what Josh did.  I give Josh kudos for standing up for his relationship and saying that working together may create situations that may impact our ability to stay together.  I give Heather kudos for being upset at first, but accepting the reality and–even if she doesn’t mean it–showing solidarity with Altman’s decision.  Ultimately, this is what marriage is about–being teammates.  As such is the case, “Team Altman-Bilyeu” is on the right track.

Congrats!

#CoachStephHasSpoken


Update: Josh and Heather wed in 2016 after a three-year engagement.  Congrats!

Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told Evelyn Lozada About Chad Ochocinco

Social Share Toolbar

With the new season of Basketball Wives, we are now forced to relive the saga that is the short-lived marriage of Evelyn Lozada and Chad Ochocinco.

First things first…this relationship started off with a major handicap.  When you sleep someone on the first date (or very early in the dating process), you lose the ability to learn more about the person. Now you’re just looking for more sex–especially if the sex is good.

Secondly, Evelyn ignored some key signs that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband.  In my honest professional opinion, Chad is a nice guy, and while I believe there is more to the “headbutt” story, the truth is that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband.   Now, post-incident, she spends much of her on-camera time with therapists and getting her life “fixed” (you know what I mean). However, I humbly ask the question of why wasn’t this time spent pre-nuptials  with the both of them working to put this relationship on a viable path-if one existed?  Evelyn is a beautiful woman, however, wisdom is what is most needed when choosing a mate.  Take heed.

If Evelyn was my client, I would tell her that choosing a boyfriend and then deciding if that boyfriend can be a husband is a process.  And, in order to make that process work well, physical intimacy has to be left put of the equation, and the emphasis should be placed on getting to know each other and assessing how this person’s past has affected them.  There has to be a certain amount of diligence when learning about someone, and again, when sex is one facet of the relationship, learning about the other facets becomes a real challenge.

When someone you are interested in shares tales of tragic childhoods, deadbeat fathers, dead end relationships, and the like, you don’t have to disqualify them, but your antennae should go up and your new mission is to learn how these past occurrences affect them today.  Do they hate women because of something their mother did? Or is their definition of manhood based on the teachings of a “rolling stone” father? This is important! It’s even more important than how great they are in the sack, or how successful they are.  These are the hard questions that no one wants to ask.  But if you’re considering this person for the rest of your life, then that is nothing to take lightly.

What anyone can learn from this situation:  Just as I “told” Kris Humphries, there were signs before you walked down the aisle that this union may not have been for you, or may not have been ready to become the relationship that you want it to be.

Marriage is serious business.  We’re talking about two people, becoming one, and making a covenant with Divine power.  People have minimized it to a pre-nuptial agreement and something that a divorce can get you out of, but don’t be confused by the trite behavior displayed by popular culture.  And, don’t get trapped or caught in a situation that could’ve been avoided with diligent investigation and dedicated time spent communicating INSTEAD of consummating.

Now, if they decide to reconcile, there are major issues that should be dealt with…but I will address that in another article.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Disclaimer: Just so it’s clearly stated, Coach Steph has not nor is currently working with Evelyn Lozada or Chad Ochocinco.  This article is simply a professional perspective on how the elements of this relationship can affect others, as well as what others can learn from this incident.