I know, you’re probably wondering…what in the world? A celebrity? What could any celebrity teach me about love? Celebrities are the most dysfunctional relationships ever seen. True–in most cases, however, there are some things that celebrities can teach us about love and relationships, so let’s take a look.
Well, here’s the good news: It’s okay to be tired of whatever you find yourself tired of.
Here’s more news: It’s not okay to stay tired.
If we’re willing to accept that being tired is our fault, then there are many things that we can do to put an end to our tiredness. Why is it out fault? Because many of things that we are tired of, we cannot control, or change. So, we’re tired because we have exhausted our energy by putting it into a place that cannot return the investment.
How do you change the relationship that won’t get back on track? Either accept that it’s going to be the way that it is, or get out of the relationship. When we stay and try to fix it, and make it change, or change the other person, that doesn’t work…it never works! So, here we are tired of this relationship. No, what we’re tired of is things not being the way we think they should be, or not serving us in a positive way. So deal with it! Seriously.
Same thing with your dreams…are you tired because you’ve done all you can do, or because you did the bare minimum and it didn’t pay off? Ask yourself, why is this taking so long…is it me? Or…the dream? Sometimes dreams take as long as they are going to take. Again, you can accept that or get a new dream. What’s your choice? Visionaries these grand individuals who dream vividly, but can also be very, VERY impatient. But if you’re willing to stay the course and be diligent…I do believe that the manifestation of said dream is closer than you might think.
Now the child…that may be a hard one, or any family member. But, again, what are you tired of? Are you tired of trying to get them to clean their room, or do their homework? Find a purpose? Stop hanging out with him or her? What if you stop trying? What if you decide this is unacceptable and that you’re not going to discuss it with them anymore? After spending weeks, months or years dealing with this situation, what happens if you declare this as the last month for this situation because he or she is going to start seeing a life coach and if that doesn’t change anything then boarding school (or military school) it is. Wow! That sounds harsh; however, what else are you going to do?
We’ve told you that you deserve the best life (and love), so it’s time to take that to heart and stop being tired of situations that you cannot control or change in your own power. Make a decision that is best for you (and your sanity), and start being tired of being relaxed…not worrying…not stressing. See, that doesn’t even make sense.
But…you get the idea. Love YOU! Mean it!
So what’s the issue? Tonya wants to be a wife, but doesn’t act like one. Period. Little Women: LA is chock full of large personalities and Tonya is one. As an independent woman (, she is used to doing things her way. Okay, we get it, but you’re way is not the married way. In fact, she said in a recent episode that she is not going to change her ways until she knows that this is forever. In watching her, I see a self-centered individual who is afraid of true vulnerability because it hasn’t paid off in the past. Self-protection makes sense, it’s a basic animal right, but it doesn’t quite make you wife material…sorry, “Boss.”
Thinking that you’ll magically become a wife when you get married is almost laughable. And, it’s definitely the wrong attitude towards the situation.
T
onya, do you really think that this man is going to put a ring on your finger to incite you to change? We caution women about this all the time, so why should a man not be entitled to the same stance on this issue? If you want to be seen as a wife, then you should act like one. You already live with the man, so clearly you have no problem with giving milk without being a cow that is owned–or however the saying goes–so don’t try to get belligerent about needing a ring in order to act like a wife. “I’m not going to act all wifed up,” she says…hmmmmm…
Tonya is also not listening. She is quick to tell her fellow Little Women stars that she wants to be married. But she is not quick to listen to what Kerwin is saying on the matter. Ultimately, Tonya is lucky to be with a man who is telling her what is lacking in their relationship pre-nuptials. In doing so, he is giving them a chance to resolve their issuesssssss. Additionally, while she is campaigning for wifedom, she tells the camera that she is still waiting for the shoe to drop (aka from them to break up…AGAIN). So which is it? Even Kerwin feels as if she is not fully committed…and that is a real problem.
As a client, I would talk to Tonya about her vision for being a wife, and what she hopes to gain from being married. It seems that there are some very idyllic thoughts behind her desire to be married, (especially as the only Little Women: LA cast member who is not “all wifed up”) and it’s best to get to the bottom of those before you stroll down the aisle and say “I do.”
#StephHasSpoken
Yes, this is the quintessential “Thanksgiving” post. Nothing too deep, just something to ponder while we are recovering from tryptophan psychosis and cranberry overload.
First up…those we can count on. Note, that I didn’t say those who love us, because sometimes they are not one in the same. However, I recently sat in a session with a young man who felt he cannot depend on his fiancee, and that statement has impacted me–hence, this article. Being someone who people can depend on being able to depend on others is a key to having relationships that are meaningful. Trustworthiness is often a need of those in our lives, and to fulfill that need, creates a deeper connection between two people. Sure, these same people may take the last buttered roll, and eat your favorite part of the turkey, but ultimately, you can count on them to be there when the chip are down…so let them eat that turkey leg in peace.
– Now includes a section regarding online dating.
Next…those who give without expectations. I have people in my life who do this, and I am so thankful for their presence. Usually, these are the older people in your life who provide wisdom, solace, and even a little “spare change,” if they feel so led. For me, there is nothing that I can do for these people, but they find my presence to be enough. This is rare, even in relationships with my peers, and I think this rarity is what makes it so very special.
Third…those who are no longer in our lives. You knew I couldn’t keep up the meaningful, mushy facade for much longer, right? While, yes, we do miss those who have passed on, that’s not who I’m referring to. I’m referring to the people who have vacated the premises of your life through break-up or other forms of termination. We should be thankful for each of these individuals because they cleared the way for others to come into our lives and be phenomenal with us. Not everyone who left our lives was bad, but in most cases, we just were not good together, and that is why we’re grateful to them–and for the lessons, we thank you!
Lastly…those who know our story, and love us anyway. Everyone has a story. I sit in coaching sessions with couples who have collective and individual stories, and we talk about how the stories shift and intertwine. Sometimes people know our story–where we’ve come from, if you will–and make every attempt to keep us there. Others know our story, and love us despite what we’ve said, done, or experienced in our past. This is another place of solace, and we all need that.
So, there you have it…four relationships we should be thankful for. Oh yea! There’s one more…the relationship I have with you! (Yes, meaningful and mushy sentiments ride again!)
Happy Thanksgiving!
Many people have professed that God told them that somebody was “the one” for them. Many have been heartbroken and other inspired by these words. The issue is not if God told you the truth–because if He actually said it, it is the truth, or if God reveals such a thing…those arguments are moot, as God is all-powerful and can tell anyone, anything, at any time. The question is, did God tell you…you did you tell you, and then ask God to agree? It’s easy to make assumptions about what God wants for you–especially in relationships. But when you start putting “God told me” in front of your statements…you need to VERY sure that you are NOT prophe-lying (the opposite of prophesying) on God.
So…How do you know the difference? Let’s see…starting with when God speaks.
When God speaks…he doesn’t sound like James Earl Jones, in fact, He may not have a real voice at all, and He rarely (if ever) speaks in stereo. He still uses a still, small voice (I Kings 19:12), versus a “burning bush.” There’s a stillness and an understated presence that He creates for revelation. Note: If you can mimic the voice that you just heard, it’s probably not God, it was probably you.
When God speaks…there will be confirmation of what He said. This means that through people, events, and the Word, God will confirm what He has said to you…any question that you had/have about what you heard will be clarified. Confusion is not of God…He doesn’t want us to be confused, He wants us to be clear. If you lack clarity, then it’s time to pray.
When God speaks…(sometimes…usually) temptation comes. For example, if God has truly revealed something to you, temptation may come in the form of a faster way to get what you’ve been promised. The temptation usually comes in the process, not the promise. As this relates to “the one,” you may be tempted to have this relationship with “your type” versus waiting for what God is crafting for you. So, know that if that form of temptation comes–do this quick deal, borrow this, lie about this, be with (another) her or him–then you’ve got a promise that is steadfast and true.
When God speaks…there will be peace. If you cannot accept what is “said,” and you become nervous, anxious, restless, or are pushed farther from God versus pulled closer–check the source. Again, God doesn’t deal in confusion. As a wise man once told me, “confusion is not God…period.”
Now, on to the part about God telling you he or she is “the one” for you. Forget what anyone has told you…this does still happen. It does not happen to everyone, however. The challenge is knowing that God is speaking to you (and we just addressed that). The additionally, challenge is holding on to the promise, especially when everything in front of you seems as if the promise is never going to happen, remember this is a process.
Here’s a few tips about what NOT to do when you are holding on to a CONFIRMED, Divine promise:
Don’t tell everyone. While you may be excited, some people are dream killers (haters, if you will), and they will say or do whatever they can to make you doubt what you have been told.
Take your questions to God. If you get doubtful (and you will), take your doubts to God. Taking them to people, only gives them the opportunity to give you natural (human) wisdom, and that isn’t what you need. God uses unusual situations to bring His will into manifestation. Let Him guide you.
Lastly, don’t do this all alone. Find (pray for) someone who will support you in this journey. I currently have a couple of clients that I am doing this for. Once you’ve confirmed that God said it–regardless of what it is–having a spiritual coach/mentor will help you stay focused and faithful to what you are waiting for. To win the prize, every runner needs a coach…get it?
If He said it (really said it)…he will do it. He did it for Sarah Nelson (Read her story.)
In conclusion, God still speaks, don’t ever doubt that. Your challenges are 1) confirm the voice of God then 2) once confirmed, to wait for the promises. His promises are yes and Amen…He doesn’t lie. The question is…can you handle, err…wait on His truth?
Don’t worry, I’ll wait (with you)…
[button url=”http://www.therelationshipfirm.com/contacttherelationshipfirm” target=”blank” style=”glass” background=”#9b0254″ size=”5″ center=”yes” icon=”http://blog.therelationshipfirm.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/ic_chats.png”]Let’s Talk About it![/button]
Coach Steph,
Hi! I my name is (NAME WITHHELD) and I am afraid that I have a big problem. I got married six months ago to a man that I love, and who I thought loved me. But since the wedding, he has been different. He’s just not interested in me. We don’t talk and we don’t go out. He just comes home and sits in the house. I have asked what is wrong, and I get a “nothing.” I don’t know what to do, and now I am wondering if my marriage was a mistake. I am scared to ask him if he wants a divorce. It’s just been six months.
Help!
-A.K.
Dear A.K.,
I am sorry to hear about your problem. Recently, I hosted a mediation for a couple in a similar situation, and I am happy to say that now they are doing much better–and planning to stay together. In your situation, first of all, know that the problem may or may not be you. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the new role of husband, or perhaps something has happened financially that is making him distant from you, because he fears he cannot be the husband you want, or that he promised you he would be–men do not do well, when their role of provider is tampered with.
The truth of the matter is, that perhaps you should–CALM AND NICELY–ask him if he wants a divorce (if and only if that feels right). Asking can remove your fears and stop you from carrying that burden. Secondly, perhaps being asked such a direct question might coax him into revealing what is really going on with him. You have to be prepared that he might say yes; however, that is more than likely not the case.
Now…If the divorce question doesn’t feel right–don’t do it, an alternative is to tell him that you’re here and promise to be understanding, whenever he wants to talk…this might also pave the way for him to reveal the issue, if he was afraid of your reaction. You must keep the promise to be understanding, by the way, or you could cause more damage.
The early stages of a marriage can sometimes be the hardest. The two of you are merging lives, and trying to build a life together. This can be stressful, especially if you have been on your own for quite some time. Consider that this transition is also going on within each of you. As you move into the roles of husband and wife, understand that most people have no REAL clue what it means to be married. This is why we offer pre-and post-marital visioning programs, so that couples can set their expectations together, and then live up to them in peaceful co-existence, versus just being married, and having no clue what that means to you individually or collectively.
Check out Allison Vesterfelt’s six tips after six months of marriage…here.
In conclusion, you cannot go on living like this. I am sure that there is a fair amount of hurt in your heart at this time, and my prayer will be that you’re healed so you may go forward without pain–and the baggage that the pain brings. Again, I caution you to ask about divorce only if it feels right, and if not don’t. If you cannot get a meaningful answer from him, I recommend praying and then finding a coach or a counselor–if only for yourself. Whatever has changed him is substantial, and saving a marriage is no easy feat. But, continue to walk in love, and keep your household a place of peace, and keep smiling…very soon, this will pass–one way or another.
Keep me posted.
Reason One: Love is not synonymous with respect.
If the person that you love doesn’t respect you, then that is a problem. When your memories of this special person in your life are littered with thoughts of their cheating activities, their lies, and even their bad habits, and the negative effect that they have on you, this is not about whether you love them, this is now a question of whether you love yourself.
Do you?
Reason Two: You may love them, but like them? Eh.
CONFESSION: I spent a long time with a person that I loved, but didn’t like. While some people will say that love is more important, like is the glue that holds things together. When I like you, it means that on a basic human level, I think you’re a nice person, a great guy or girl, and that you’re friend material. Being friend material, and having a friendship within a romantic relationship is optimal.
Reason Three: They do not love you the way you should be loved.
This is usually the problem that most people encounter when they love someone, but the relationship is not quite right. Just because someone claims to “love you,” that doesn’t mean that they know exactly what that means, or what it means to you. There are entire programs, like the 5 Love Languages, that try to show people what love language they actually speak. Some, like me, prioritize quality time, while others gifts or words of affirmation. If the relationship works, but something is a little off–this may be a place to start. However, if the relationship doesn’t work (this means that you spend more time crying than smiling), then there is a bigger problem. It’s time to sit down, perhaps use my SWOT Analysis Tool, which is in The Business of Dating to figure out what is going on. (Click here to get the tool.) When someone doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved–with respect, friendship, honesty, giving (of their time, energy and emotions) and commitment–that is not something that should be ignored, nor is it something that will go away. It is a serious situation that requires a response.
In conclusion, it just must be said that love is not enough for a relationship to survive and thrive. Sometimes we have to admit that and move on. However, whatever you decide, do what’s best for you, and be encouraged by the lessons this situation has taught you. There’s ALWAYS a lesson.
#CoachStephHasSpoken
Josh Altman and Heather Bilyeu (the soon to be Mrs. Josh Altman) are one of the newest power couples in LA! Both successful realtors, viewers see multi-million dollar real estate deals delivered each week by Josh and Heather on Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles (#MDLLA). They have done a great job keeping business and “pleasure” separate, as Josh works for one agency and she with The Agency, owned by the amazingly attractive and successful husband, of Kyle Richards (of Real Housewives Beverly Hills fame)–Mauricio Umansky (www.TheAgencyRE.com).However, recently, Josh and his brother decided to open a new real estate venture, appropriately named “The Altman Brothers,” and much to Heather’s chagrin, Josh decided that for the sake of their relationship, she will not be involved.
Of course, she was disappointed…make that a little shy of furious.
Despite the 82% (I read somewhere) that agree with Heather, I am going on record that I agree ONE MILLION PERCENT with Josh!
It takes a very special couple to work and to “play” together. In a business like real estate, which is competitive (and can be cutthroat), working together could pose some challenges. The challenges at work, then become the challenges at home, and it’s down hill from there. Consider the challenges that Heather endured with Madison, if those same issues emerged between Heather and another agent at The Altman Brothers, businessman Josh, then morphs into super-protective fiancé or new husband Josh Altman, and we have a problem…a big one. I personally, hate to see Josh when he’s not calm, cool and collected, and I can only imagine how wrong that can go in real life.
Hopefully, Heather has seen the light (since this was taped many moons ago), and recognizes that being separate in their professional endeavors will allow them to have professional happenings to share during their quality times at home, but will also keep them from having their personal lives overrun by real estate. As a couple, it is imperative that this time is used to get to know each other –even better than they do now. This is the time for deep discussions about our future and our children, NOT to be distracted by some deal that went South the day before, nor to explore the quickest way to entice a buyer for a $20.2 million compound in the Hollywood Hills.
What anyone can learn from this situation, is that if you have a significant other who is actively taking responsibility for the success of the relationship, then that is a good thing…this is what Josh did. I give Josh kudos for standing up for his relationship and saying that working together may create situations that may impact our ability to stay together. I give Heather kudos for being upset at first, but accepting the reality and–even if she doesn’t mean it–showing solidarity with Altman’s decision. Ultimately, this is what marriage is about–being teammates. As such is the case, “Team Altman-Bilyeu” is on the right track.
Congrats!
#CoachStephHasSpoken
Update: Josh and Heather wed in 2016 after a three-year engagement. Congrats!
If you’ve been paying attention, it seems that everyone is getting married…EVERYONE. And, while there are still hot debates on who should and should not be able to enjoy nuptial bliss, this article is not about that.
Marriage is a very important union between two people. While it has been reduced to something you “just do,” and then use a swift divorce to get out of it, it’s so much more than that. And, perhaps this article will help you see that. Well, enough with the small talk…let’s get to some reasons…
Reason one: You have NO CLUE who you married. Now, this is more than likely your fault, sorry, it just has to be said. This seems to be the biggest cause of marriage failures, because people insist on bucking the order of things. As any six could tell you, “first comes love, THEN comes marriage, THEN the baby carriage.” But that’s not how we do things now. Most people have baby carriages and then marriage, but love (or even like) is no where in the equation. We’re marrying people we don’t know because we “mightaswell.” As such is the case, the due diligence necessary to learn about a person is never done. And, then you walk down the aisle and start a future with someone who is NOT who you think (or want) them to be.
Reason two: You really just wanted a wedding. Ah! Such a beautiful event. The dress, the food, the attention, the gifts–all for you. It’s easy to see how this happens, and unfortunately, some people loved the wedding, but hate the marriage. While this may seem silly to some, there are people who just wanted the experience of getting married, and now their marriage is either failing or has failed. Five words: Don’t…let…this…be…you!
Reason three: You’ve taken marriage advice from married people. I say it often, “just because you are married, doesn’t mean that you know how to be.” Some married people will give you flawed advice. EVERYTHING from take revenge on your spouse to just leave your spouse. Here’s the problem: it’s not their marriage! The tenets of your marriage (which my clients explore in marital visioning and pre-marital coaching), are not the tenets of someone else’s marriage. Stop believing that because someone has been married for “X” more years than you have, that they have the secret to your success. Married people should seek unbiased support when encountering marital challenges, not the advice of those who could cause more harm than good. Am I saying that all married people give flawed advice…not at all. But, I am saying, that you should scrutinized the advice you receive, and if there’s not a stitch of encouragement or support in their statements to you…RUN!
Reason four: Communication has gone out the window. Everyone knows that communication is required for any relationship to survive. However, in a marriage, communication takes many different forms. The communication that I am talking about, is the communication of needs and expectations. During a marriage, people continue to evolve and to learn about themselves–this is good. What is not good is when the other spouse is unaware. Communicating needs and expectations is an ongoing process in a successful marriage, and when your spouse meets your needs and expectations, then celebrating them is in order. In fact, communication and celebration go hand in hand in a marriage–don’t think otherwise. Everyone needs a pat on the back (or lower, if that’s a need-smile).
In the end, these are just 4 of many reasons your marriage could fail, but it doesn’t have to. We help marriages in crisis all the time with mediations and coaching, so reading this article could be a turning point in your marital relationship. Remember, you avoid bad relationships (and marriages) when you get FIRM. www.TheRelationshipFirm.com
