I know, you’re probably wondering…what in the world? A celebrity? What could any celebrity teach me about love? Celebrities are the most dysfunctional relationships ever seen. True–in most cases, however, there are some things that celebrities can teach us about love and relationships, so let’s take a look.
Really?
Really.
Most marriages work re-actively–reacting to conflict, reacting to situations, reacting to this and that. But to be proactive is rare. As such is the case, being proactive in marriage is something that may be worth addressing. One way to be proactive in marriage is to ask questions; however, these are not questions that you just ask “whenever.” Nor, do you ask in the midst of a conflict, or argument. These are questions that you schedule time to ask and to discuss. So here are 6 hard questions that you should ask your spouse (because assuming just makes things more difficult.)
Question One: Are we happy together?
Now this is a humdinger! What if they say “no?” What if they say “not for a while?” O…what if they say “yes” (Whew!) Whatever the response, it is best to know the answer, and not just assume that because you have “no problems” that you have no problems. (Get it?)
If this answer is not what you want to hear, consider it an opportunity to get better and do better. Don’t get mad, don’t upset–get focused. Marriage is a journey, sometimes people get tired, that doesn’t mean that you can’t regroup and start the journey again…got it?
Question Two: Are our vows still valid?
What? We said to love, honor and cherish til death do we part…how could that not be valid. Easy–you had no clue what you were promising at the time. Besides, these are very vague terms, and so perhaps it’s time to sit down and drill down on the expectations of those vows, beyond the fanfare and the 7-tier cake.
Question Three: What can we do to be better for each other?
This is a question for the bravest of the brave. And if you ask this question…you are the real MVP. Seriously. Most married people believe that they are doing the best that they can, and that is all that they can do. But is it? Probably not. What if your spouse just needs you to listen to their recap of the day (or wait and hour for them to get settled before you start). The “do” can be very little–but have so much impact on the status of our unions.
Question Four: Is our sex life (physical intimacy) satisfying?
Ummmm yes! This is a question that you have to ask. You may think that you have it going on–and maybe you do–but perhaps that’s not always what the situation called for. When we talk to premarital and marital couples at The Relationship Firm, we address their sexual expectations. (Actually we tell them to address them, and then report back with as little detail as possible…SMILE!) People always tell married people that they have to keep the spice–or keep “it” fresh…but what does that mean in YOUR marriage. And if your spouse tells you no…don’t get all emotional…ask why? Then we can move forward.
Question Five: Is there anything that you miss about me? (You can also add “about us?”)
This is different way to ask the question “have I changed?” Great question. And a great way to open up a dialogue around emotional intimacy, spatial intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. You may have no clue that your spouse REALLY liked when you made pancakes and you had breakfast together on Saturdays; but now you grab granola as you head to yoga. They may miss how you jumped in the shower and washed their back. Again, it could be little things.
More questions on intimacy and closeness (if you need them).
Lastly, Question Six: Is there anything that you want me to know?
This is a blanket question. But it has power. Consider using it if you are not ready to ask the other five questions.
At the end of the day, it’s your marriage and you have to find out what works for you. All the couples at The Relationship Firm know that we are just a GPS and they have to set their destination. When people tell you what works in marriage, they only know what worked for them–not you. Don’t be afraid to have a unique marriage. Don’t be afraid to do things differently that ANYONE ELSE. If it works and keeps you moving forward as a couple, then that’s all that matters.
Ready…set…ask…
Admittedly, I am obsessed with this relationship. As a relationship coach who works with countless premarital couples, the topic of conflict resolution is one that is discussed over and over. Sheila and Nate intrigue me because they have no clue how to disagree with each other.
But…they are not alone.
As newlyweds–who do not know each other–they have not only the normal challenges of finding their marital rhythm, but also finding out about he person they have married. When it comes to conflicts, these two have UGLY arguments, and it is their arguments that I am obsessed with.
Reason One: They profess to love each other.
It’s great to have love…but we have to keep the love when we disagree. They don’t. There have been a myriad of hyper-emotional outbursts, name calling, and statements that are hard to take back. This is the case with many couples. The love is real, and it’s true, but there is fear and baggage. Fear and baggage is the weight that takes a disagreement into a full blown argument. We don’t want to argue. Because arguing isn’t healthy, and can be detrimental to our relationship.
Knock down drag out fights are evidence of greater internal issues…it just has to be said…and they need to be dealt with.
Reason Two: She has already threatened divorce.
NO MA’AM! They made it through this argument, but “divorce threats” are not easily forgotten. However, when people are hurt and unable to deal or trust fully, they often threaten to leave. We all have done this…myself included. #TrueStory
What is underneath this threat–sometimes–is the test to see if this person cares enough to fight for you or stay with you. Still not a good reason to make the threat. What is also underneath this threat is a desire to hurt your spouse because you have been hurt. There is no greater threat to a marriage, THAN the threat of divorce. Divorce means that I don’t want to share life, do life, or spent my life with you any longer. That is painful…and if it’s not true, telling the person you are with, committed to and profess to love that you don’t want those things with them any longer is very damaging to any relationship.
So don’t do it…unless you mean it. And if you mean it…it’s a conversation, not something you yell in the midst of a heated argument.
Reason Three: They are alone now.
Both the cameras and the experts are now gone. This was a shock to me. How could you leave people who have been married for months alone to deal with their issues, especially, one so major as the inability to handle conflict? I have already come forth publicly to say that I will coach Sheila and Nate FOR FREE, if need be, because this is not something that they can fix on their own, and because I believe in their relationship.
While we do premarital coaching at The Relationship Firm, I am most proud of the couples who return for marital coaching. The first year of marriage is challenging, and to do it alone (without an unbiased professional), is doable, but having help can make it so much easier. With Sheila and Nate being on their own, I find myself being concerned about this relationship. It has good bones, and limitless potential. But, they have the type of fights that end marriages FAST! And they need help with that…just like any other newlyweds.
Reason Four: Dear Newlyweds…It can work.
This relationship is not terminal…it is not toxic…it is healthy, I estimate, about 80% of the time, maybe more. But the fights are toxic…terminal…and unhealthy 100% of the time. That is the problem, and it isn’t even about them.
It has to be said (and this is only my opinion), that sometimes the more you love someone the more afraid you can become. You are afraid to lose what you’ve found, and it makes you hyper-sensitive to the issues that come up. You reflect on the past, and those similarities make you think that you’re about to lose again. That’s okay. You are entitled to your feelings and your needs. We just have to create a strategy where you deal with these issues in a way that keeps this relationship moving in the direction you want. Otherwise, the fears and baggage continue to weigh down the relationship, and as you struggle through resolving these hurtful exchanges, it gets harder and harder to stay connected and enjoy the great times that your love wants to afford you.
Bottom line for Sheila and Nate, and anyone else who just got married (even not at first sight), is that there is help, and there is no shame in asking for it. As newlyweds, you have to learn to navigate your life together. It is a bumpy, winding, twisting, and sometimes even invisible road, but it is worth it…love is always worth it, because love never fails! (A little Biblical reference for you guys! Smile!)
Sheila and Nate…call The Relationship Firm…we can help. We promise! #ShamelessPlug #ButASeriousOne
So what’s the issue? Tonya wants to be a wife, but doesn’t act like one. Period. Little Women: LA is chock full of large personalities and Tonya is one. As an independent woman (, she is used to doing things her way. Okay, we get it, but you’re way is not the married way. In fact, she said in a recent episode that she is not going to change her ways until she knows that this is forever. In watching her, I see a self-centered individual who is afraid of true vulnerability because it hasn’t paid off in the past. Self-protection makes sense, it’s a basic animal right, but it doesn’t quite make you wife material…sorry, “Boss.”
Thinking that you’ll magically become a wife when you get married is almost laughable. And, it’s definitely the wrong attitude towards the situation.
T
onya, do you really think that this man is going to put a ring on your finger to incite you to change? We caution women about this all the time, so why should a man not be entitled to the same stance on this issue? If you want to be seen as a wife, then you should act like one. You already live with the man, so clearly you have no problem with giving milk without being a cow that is owned–or however the saying goes–so don’t try to get belligerent about needing a ring in order to act like a wife. “I’m not going to act all wifed up,” she says…hmmmmm…
Tonya is also not listening. She is quick to tell her fellow Little Women stars that she wants to be married. But she is not quick to listen to what Kerwin is saying on the matter. Ultimately, Tonya is lucky to be with a man who is telling her what is lacking in their relationship pre-nuptials. In doing so, he is giving them a chance to resolve their issuesssssss. Additionally, while she is campaigning for wifedom, she tells the camera that she is still waiting for the shoe to drop (aka from them to break up…AGAIN). So which is it? Even Kerwin feels as if she is not fully committed…and that is a real problem.
As a client, I would talk to Tonya about her vision for being a wife, and what she hopes to gain from being married. It seems that there are some very idyllic thoughts behind her desire to be married, (especially as the only Little Women: LA cast member who is not “all wifed up”) and it’s best to get to the bottom of those before you stroll down the aisle and say “I do.”
#StephHasSpoken
Josh Altman and Heather Bilyeu (the soon to be Mrs. Josh Altman) are one of the newest power couples in LA! Both successful realtors, viewers see multi-million dollar real estate deals delivered each week by Josh and Heather on Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles (#MDLLA). They have done a great job keeping business and “pleasure” separate, as Josh works for one agency and she with The Agency, owned by the amazingly attractive and successful husband, of Kyle Richards (of Real Housewives Beverly Hills fame)–Mauricio Umansky (www.TheAgencyRE.com).However, recently, Josh and his brother decided to open a new real estate venture, appropriately named “The Altman Brothers,” and much to Heather’s chagrin, Josh decided that for the sake of their relationship, she will not be involved.
Of course, she was disappointed…make that a little shy of furious.
Despite the 82% (I read somewhere) that agree with Heather, I am going on record that I agree ONE MILLION PERCENT with Josh!
It takes a very special couple to work and to “play” together. In a business like real estate, which is competitive (and can be cutthroat), working together could pose some challenges. The challenges at work, then become the challenges at home, and it’s down hill from there. Consider the challenges that Heather endured with Madison, if those same issues emerged between Heather and another agent at The Altman Brothers, businessman Josh, then morphs into super-protective fiancé or new husband Josh Altman, and we have a problem…a big one. I personally, hate to see Josh when he’s not calm, cool and collected, and I can only imagine how wrong that can go in real life.
Hopefully, Heather has seen the light (since this was taped many moons ago), and recognizes that being separate in their professional endeavors will allow them to have professional happenings to share during their quality times at home, but will also keep them from having their personal lives overrun by real estate. As a couple, it is imperative that this time is used to get to know each other –even better than they do now. This is the time for deep discussions about our future and our children, NOT to be distracted by some deal that went South the day before, nor to explore the quickest way to entice a buyer for a $20.2 million compound in the Hollywood Hills.
What anyone can learn from this situation, is that if you have a significant other who is actively taking responsibility for the success of the relationship, then that is a good thing…this is what Josh did. I give Josh kudos for standing up for his relationship and saying that working together may create situations that may impact our ability to stay together. I give Heather kudos for being upset at first, but accepting the reality and–even if she doesn’t mean it–showing solidarity with Altman’s decision. Ultimately, this is what marriage is about–being teammates. As such is the case, “Team Altman-Bilyeu” is on the right track.
Congrats!
#CoachStephHasSpoken
Update: Josh and Heather wed in 2016 after a three-year engagement. Congrats!