I know, you’re probably wondering…what in the world? A celebrity? What could any celebrity teach me about love? Celebrities are the most dysfunctional relationships ever seen. True–in most cases, however, there are some things that celebrities can teach us about love and relationships, so let’s take a look.
Really?
Really.
Most marriages work re-actively–reacting to conflict, reacting to situations, reacting to this and that. But to be proactive is rare. As such is the case, being proactive in marriage is something that may be worth addressing. One way to be proactive in marriage is to ask questions; however, these are not questions that you just ask “whenever.” Nor, do you ask in the midst of a conflict, or argument. These are questions that you schedule time to ask and to discuss. So here are 6 hard questions that you should ask your spouse (because assuming just makes things more difficult.)
Question One: Are we happy together?
Now this is a humdinger! What if they say “no?” What if they say “not for a while?” O…what if they say “yes” (Whew!) Whatever the response, it is best to know the answer, and not just assume that because you have “no problems” that you have no problems. (Get it?)
If this answer is not what you want to hear, consider it an opportunity to get better and do better. Don’t get mad, don’t upset–get focused. Marriage is a journey, sometimes people get tired, that doesn’t mean that you can’t regroup and start the journey again…got it?
Question Two: Are our vows still valid?
What? We said to love, honor and cherish til death do we part…how could that not be valid. Easy–you had no clue what you were promising at the time. Besides, these are very vague terms, and so perhaps it’s time to sit down and drill down on the expectations of those vows, beyond the fanfare and the 7-tier cake.
Question Three: What can we do to be better for each other?
This is a question for the bravest of the brave. And if you ask this question…you are the real MVP. Seriously. Most married people believe that they are doing the best that they can, and that is all that they can do. But is it? Probably not. What if your spouse just needs you to listen to their recap of the day (or wait and hour for them to get settled before you start). The “do” can be very little–but have so much impact on the status of our unions.
Question Four: Is our sex life (physical intimacy) satisfying?
Ummmm yes! This is a question that you have to ask. You may think that you have it going on–and maybe you do–but perhaps that’s not always what the situation called for. When we talk to premarital and marital couples at The Relationship Firm, we address their sexual expectations. (Actually we tell them to address them, and then report back with as little detail as possible…SMILE!) People always tell married people that they have to keep the spice–or keep “it” fresh…but what does that mean in YOUR marriage. And if your spouse tells you no…don’t get all emotional…ask why? Then we can move forward.
Question Five: Is there anything that you miss about me? (You can also add “about us?”)
This is different way to ask the question “have I changed?” Great question. And a great way to open up a dialogue around emotional intimacy, spatial intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. You may have no clue that your spouse REALLY liked when you made pancakes and you had breakfast together on Saturdays; but now you grab granola as you head to yoga. They may miss how you jumped in the shower and washed their back. Again, it could be little things.
More questions on intimacy and closeness (if you need them).
Lastly, Question Six: Is there anything that you want me to know?
This is a blanket question. But it has power. Consider using it if you are not ready to ask the other five questions.
At the end of the day, it’s your marriage and you have to find out what works for you. All the couples at The Relationship Firm know that we are just a GPS and they have to set their destination. When people tell you what works in marriage, they only know what worked for them–not you. Don’t be afraid to have a unique marriage. Don’t be afraid to do things differently that ANYONE ELSE. If it works and keeps you moving forward as a couple, then that’s all that matters.
Ready…set…ask…
Admittedly, I am obsessed with this relationship. As a relationship coach who works with countless premarital couples, the topic of conflict resolution is one that is discussed over and over. Sheila and Nate intrigue me because they have no clue how to disagree with each other.
But…they are not alone.
As newlyweds–who do not know each other–they have not only the normal challenges of finding their marital rhythm, but also finding out about he person they have married. When it comes to conflicts, these two have UGLY arguments, and it is their arguments that I am obsessed with.
Reason One: They profess to love each other.
It’s great to have love…but we have to keep the love when we disagree. They don’t. There have been a myriad of hyper-emotional outbursts, name calling, and statements that are hard to take back. This is the case with many couples. The love is real, and it’s true, but there is fear and baggage. Fear and baggage is the weight that takes a disagreement into a full blown argument. We don’t want to argue. Because arguing isn’t healthy, and can be detrimental to our relationship.
Knock down drag out fights are evidence of greater internal issues…it just has to be said…and they need to be dealt with.
Reason Two: She has already threatened divorce.
NO MA’AM! They made it through this argument, but “divorce threats” are not easily forgotten. However, when people are hurt and unable to deal or trust fully, they often threaten to leave. We all have done this…myself included. #TrueStory
What is underneath this threat–sometimes–is the test to see if this person cares enough to fight for you or stay with you. Still not a good reason to make the threat. What is also underneath this threat is a desire to hurt your spouse because you have been hurt. There is no greater threat to a marriage, THAN the threat of divorce. Divorce means that I don’t want to share life, do life, or spent my life with you any longer. That is painful…and if it’s not true, telling the person you are with, committed to and profess to love that you don’t want those things with them any longer is very damaging to any relationship.
So don’t do it…unless you mean it. And if you mean it…it’s a conversation, not something you yell in the midst of a heated argument.
Reason Three: They are alone now.
Both the cameras and the experts are now gone. This was a shock to me. How could you leave people who have been married for months alone to deal with their issues, especially, one so major as the inability to handle conflict? I have already come forth publicly to say that I will coach Sheila and Nate FOR FREE, if need be, because this is not something that they can fix on their own, and because I believe in their relationship.
While we do premarital coaching at The Relationship Firm, I am most proud of the couples who return for marital coaching. The first year of marriage is challenging, and to do it alone (without an unbiased professional), is doable, but having help can make it so much easier. With Sheila and Nate being on their own, I find myself being concerned about this relationship. It has good bones, and limitless potential. But, they have the type of fights that end marriages FAST! And they need help with that…just like any other newlyweds.
Reason Four: Dear Newlyweds…It can work.
This relationship is not terminal…it is not toxic…it is healthy, I estimate, about 80% of the time, maybe more. But the fights are toxic…terminal…and unhealthy 100% of the time. That is the problem, and it isn’t even about them.
It has to be said (and this is only my opinion), that sometimes the more you love someone the more afraid you can become. You are afraid to lose what you’ve found, and it makes you hyper-sensitive to the issues that come up. You reflect on the past, and those similarities make you think that you’re about to lose again. That’s okay. You are entitled to your feelings and your needs. We just have to create a strategy where you deal with these issues in a way that keeps this relationship moving in the direction you want. Otherwise, the fears and baggage continue to weigh down the relationship, and as you struggle through resolving these hurtful exchanges, it gets harder and harder to stay connected and enjoy the great times that your love wants to afford you.
Bottom line for Sheila and Nate, and anyone else who just got married (even not at first sight), is that there is help, and there is no shame in asking for it. As newlyweds, you have to learn to navigate your life together. It is a bumpy, winding, twisting, and sometimes even invisible road, but it is worth it…love is always worth it, because love never fails! (A little Biblical reference for you guys! Smile!)
Sheila and Nate…call The Relationship Firm…we can help. We promise! #ShamelessPlug #ButASeriousOne
If you’ve been paying attention, it seems that everyone is getting married…EVERYONE. And, while there are still hot debates on who should and should not be able to enjoy nuptial bliss, this article is not about that.
Marriage is a very important union between two people. While it has been reduced to something you “just do,” and then use a swift divorce to get out of it, it’s so much more than that. And, perhaps this article will help you see that. Well, enough with the small talk…let’s get to some reasons…
Reason one: You have NO CLUE who you married. Now, this is more than likely your fault, sorry, it just has to be said. This seems to be the biggest cause of marriage failures, because people insist on bucking the order of things. As any six could tell you, “first comes love, THEN comes marriage, THEN the baby carriage.” But that’s not how we do things now. Most people have baby carriages and then marriage, but love (or even like) is no where in the equation. We’re marrying people we don’t know because we “mightaswell.” As such is the case, the due diligence necessary to learn about a person is never done. And, then you walk down the aisle and start a future with someone who is NOT who you think (or want) them to be.
Reason two: You really just wanted a wedding. Ah! Such a beautiful event. The dress, the food, the attention, the gifts–all for you. It’s easy to see how this happens, and unfortunately, some people loved the wedding, but hate the marriage. While this may seem silly to some, there are people who just wanted the experience of getting married, and now their marriage is either failing or has failed. Five words: Don’t…let…this…be…you!
Reason three: You’ve taken marriage advice from married people. I say it often, “just because you are married, doesn’t mean that you know how to be.” Some married people will give you flawed advice. EVERYTHING from take revenge on your spouse to just leave your spouse. Here’s the problem: it’s not their marriage! The tenets of your marriage (which my clients explore in marital visioning and pre-marital coaching), are not the tenets of someone else’s marriage. Stop believing that because someone has been married for “X” more years than you have, that they have the secret to your success. Married people should seek unbiased support when encountering marital challenges, not the advice of those who could cause more harm than good. Am I saying that all married people give flawed advice…not at all. But, I am saying, that you should scrutinized the advice you receive, and if there’s not a stitch of encouragement or support in their statements to you…RUN!
Reason four: Communication has gone out the window. Everyone knows that communication is required for any relationship to survive. However, in a marriage, communication takes many different forms. The communication that I am talking about, is the communication of needs and expectations. During a marriage, people continue to evolve and to learn about themselves–this is good. What is not good is when the other spouse is unaware. Communicating needs and expectations is an ongoing process in a successful marriage, and when your spouse meets your needs and expectations, then celebrating them is in order. In fact, communication and celebration go hand in hand in a marriage–don’t think otherwise. Everyone needs a pat on the back (or lower, if that’s a need-smile).
In the end, these are just 4 of many reasons your marriage could fail, but it doesn’t have to. We help marriages in crisis all the time with mediations and coaching, so reading this article could be a turning point in your marital relationship. Remember, you avoid bad relationships (and marriages) when you get FIRM. www.TheRelationshipFirm.com
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