How to KNOW if they like you?

Social Share Toolbar

20120514-101020.jpg

It’s an age-old question, asked by daters young and old. Driven by a desire to be with someone who genuinely cares for us, we find ourselves asking, “does he/she like me?”

Well, they might. (Wasn’t that profound?)

What you have to keep in mind, is that he or she may be asking the same questions about you. So, if in the event that you are too chcken to ask (it happens), here’s a few signs that might help you draw a conclusion. However, these signs are not foolproof, and at the end of the day, I highly recommend asking the individual. It may be a tad awkward to ask such a question, but rather you be a little uncomfortable now, then two months from now.

So, without further ado, here’s a few things to consider…and I hope this helps.

Considerations when you first meet them…

  • Are they attentive when you’re speaking?
  • Guys….did she give you her number when you asked?
  • Girls…did he ask for your number…and call?
  • Do they ask you questions about you?
    This is pretty much all you need to know. If someone likes or is interested in you, then they want to get to know you. Guys always seem to miss this cue. If a woman is not asking questions about you, she’s not trying to get to know you. She may be polite enough to listen to you talk, but if she fails to inquire about you beyond your name, age, and occupation (vital stats, if you will), then that’s a sign. Take.
  • Do they seem comfortable* around you?
    Squeemish could be nervousness, yes. But down right discomfort probably comes from looking for an exit door that is either not close enough or far enough that you’d notice. Especially for a woman, comfort is key to being with anyone.
  • Has the word date been mentioned?
    And, if so, did they respond enthusiastically to the suggestion, or was it like winning a dollar from playing the lottery?

*Creating a comfortable environment may include: 1) Excluding your dirty jokes 2) Not discussing politics, religion, or any other possibly controversial topic. 3) Excluding numerous comments about their looks, beauty, body, job, income, SEX or anything else that would could be considered an questionable (this means you look like a stalker-in-training).

Considerations for the date…

  • Again, are they attentive?
  •  Do they ask questions about you?
  •  Do they seem comfortable?
  • AND one more…When you mention going out again, do they say yes?
    While I realize that this may go without saying, there’s a little more to it. I legitimately mean, do they say without hesitation or any pause whatsoever, “YES!” After the yes, should come the plan. If she says yes, but there is no plan to meet you in an intimate setting–just the two of you–consider this case closed. If there’s a yes, and then she commits to a date, or to giving you a date, then you might have a shot.

While I realize that this article, may seem a bit cliche’ I also know that sometimes we need to be reminded of how dating works, and we need to understand that it’s not that serious (for the most part). We will like and dislike numerous people in our single lives, and the truth is, if they don’t like you, then keep moing forward until you cross the path of someone who does.

#bearockstar
#Love100

Oops! You did it Again…and Again!

Social Share Toolbar

I cannot help but feel for this young lady…somewhat.  While I am not a fan of her depicting intimate exploits on screen, I am a fan of the person that she is (or portrays herself to be), and hence, why I feel compelled to pen another “Celebrity Love Note.”

The recent issues between Basketball (Non) Wife Royce Reed and latest “boo” Dezmon (no, that’s not a typo) Briscoe, are a bit ridiculous to say the least.  Once again, we have Royce putting her heart, soul and body (in lingerie no less) on the line for someone who claims to love her.  Only for him to turn around and do something that is not only respectful to the relationship that they profess to have, but also to himself.

But, hey, we’ve all been there…without and without the lingerie.

But, where most of us haven’t been is forced to deal with our significant other’s extracurricular “sextivities” (this means he was sending sext messages…get it) with both his child’s mother and some other woman, who has just recently come forward.

Poor Royce.

I have to admit, this seems to be a cycle that she’s in, and I wish her well in her efforts to be happy and whole.  However, let’s get in to this a bit further, because despite the fact that our business wasn’t on TV for the world to see, some of us still have an issue or two in common with Royce (AKA “@RoyceLR” on Twitter).

My Take:
There are few things at work here.  Royce has had some very public relationships, especially as she is the mother of NBA Star Dwight Howard’s son, she has received and maintained some very bright and pretty relentless, and down right mean, limelight.  It seems that in all her relationships, she is ready to be serious.  REAL SERIOUS! She is ready to give everything to some guy in exchange for the words, “I love you.”  And that seems to be the only expectations that she has for him.

Again, we’ve all been there.

If she were my client:
Royce and I need to have a serious discussion about her definition and expectations of love and what she expects from someone who loves her.  What exactly does the term, “love” mean in general, and what is she really looking for.  Acceptance, belonging, someone to want her…what exactly is it?

Royce has to see that she has a rather destructive pattern when it comes to the relationships that we’ve seen on-air.  They all seem to move too fast, and are entirely too intimate.  It’s almost as if she has something to prove by letting this person love her, or by showing the way that she loves them, she is demonstrating some perceived control.

Royce has to know that she is control of her relationships, and how they develop without all the “extra.”  She has to learn to vet her suitors, Dezmon’s sexting exploits are a clear sign that he is not ready to be the man that she and her son need. But, as long as she stays clouded by her “love-colored” glasses, my fear is that she will continue to be on the receiving end of someone’s immature, yet “loving,” actions.

Royce, he’s just not ready….take heed.  For that matter, neither are you.

What we can all learn from this:
As I said before, we all need to vet our suitors–male and female, and decide that someone is worthy of our time, energy, and emotions NOT because they say those three little words, but because they have demonstrated that they are ready for what we’re ready for.

Yes, it’s just that simple.

There will always be Dezmon’s in the world.  And, just because he’s made these mistakes doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good guy.  It does mean that he isn’t ready for a committed relationship.  Well, he might be ready, he’s just not prepared.

Those are two different things.  For example, you could be ready to leave, but until you pack and make travel plans, you are not PREPARED to go anywhere…get it?!

On the other hand, how you can always avoid being a Royce is by taking the time to learn about someone.  And, while you’re learning, keep your goodies to yourself, and your mind focused on deciding if this person meets your expectations.  No judgment on the “goodies” swipe, but it’s just easier to stay objective when you’re not sexing them up.  Seriously.

Just so we’re clear…I wish them both the best…separately.  As a couple, they both lack the ability to build something strong and lasting–at least right now.  Perhaps down the road, their paths will cross again, and they will be ready and prepared, and it will be an awesome and lasting love. And the only person he’ll be sexting is her…as Mrs.Briscoe.

Hey, I’m a hopeless romantic, let me slide…

One more thing: If you know Royce…support her with positivity, this is not the time to make her feel worse.

This word of wisdom brought to you by: #Love100

Why Don’t YOU Act Like a Man, So That I Don’t Have to Think Like One? (Part I)

Social Share Toolbar

This weekend, millions will flock (like single sheep) to see the new Steve Harvey-based flick, “Think Like a Man.”  (Which is why there will have to be a part two, and maybe even part three, to this article.)

Why I find this concerning, is that we are once again, throwing females under the proverbial dating bus, and asking them to lead, and to step outside of who they are.  I’ve explored this concept with a few of my colleagues in the love game, including, Keli V. Crane, Editor of BoisSuq.com (prounounced “boys suck”) and Jai Stone, Founder of BlackLoveForum.com.  And, we all agree, that it’s unfair to continue to ask single woman everywhere to contort and transform themselves to get, keep or revive a relationship.

So…why do we keep seeing this?

While this movie is tauted to Urban audiences, I feel that all walks of life and cultures, have seen this rhetoric.  Women are constantly told that they have to do this, say this, read this in order to get a man.  While, society fails to bring such an “education” to men.  So, while Sally is reading every article, book, newsletter and doing every dating exercise under the sun, Jack is going along, doing as he pleases, more than likely enjoying Sally’s due diligence, but failing to show any of his own.

Again, it’s not fair.

So, I ask the question, “why don’t you act like a man, so that I don’t have to think like one?” Because it seems that this is the problem.  Some men (many men) have taken the female role in relationship.  Sorry, it’s true.  It is the man who desires to be pursued, it is the man who seeks to be wooed.  If no one has told you (all of you), that’s not how this is supposed to work.  Women desire to be, and should be pursued, women desire to be, and should be wooed. So, if you, man, are not wearing the pants in the relationship, so to speak, then what we can expect is sheer confusion.

Personally, I am tired of seeing this role reversal that even many of my relationship coaching colleagues tend to support through their own newsletters, and dating tips.  Don’t you think that it’s time we set things straight?  Or, do you think that this is working?

Well, here are my 3 reasons, why we need traditional roles in dating…see if you agree.

Reason One: Whatever happens in the beginning of the relationship, sets a precedent.  So if you, woman, are in fact, thinking like a man, then you will set the precedent of doing so in the relationship.  This means that you will effectively kiss your desired pursuit and “wooing” goodbye, because you’re in charge.  How do you let a man be a man, if you’re the brains of the operation.  Answer: You don’t.

Reason Two: Without traditional roles, we jeopardize creating strong foundations for lasting relationships.  If you’ve ever seen a “hen-pecked” man, then you know that it doesn’t quite work out when women start leading.  I know, I know…we are the smarter sex, ladies, but we also are the weaker sex (I didn’t say it–stop making that face).  As such is the case, there is nothing like experiencing the stability and security of being with a man who is trustworthy, reliable, and honest; however, if you’re doing the thinking, and he is on the receiving end of that “strategy,” he may not feel compelled to do anything.  He may not work to create stability for you–mostly because, you’re walking around thinking like a man.  Now, I hate to goto the good Lawd on this, but, there’s this little passage that reads, “as a man(kind) thinketh, so is he.” Using this as a foundation, it seems that you become just what you think you are.  See the problem?

Reason Three:  This is  a bit insulting, if you really dig into it, because a woman should be a woman…period.  While I realize that the complete title is “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” what it says, is that my thought processes as a member of the female species are sabotaging my ability to get or to keep a relationship.  Really?  That can’t be true.  A real man (emphasis on real) will appreciate the feminine side of a woman.  He will embrace her emotional side, and react to her vulnerable side…he may even tell her “loud side” to shut the (bleep) up! But you get the picture.

At the end of the day, I believe that a real man, will want, love and commit to a real woman.  Real women are strong, courageous, emotional, vulnerable, and loveable.

What are you saying, Coach Steph?

I am saying that it’s time to put down the book, and continue being the woman that you are–thoughts and all!

Enjoy the movie!

How About a Smart@#$ Valentine? (aka “How Sexy is Intelligence?”)

Social Share Toolbar

When asked about the traits that most singles look for in a companion, most respond with the following words:

 “Cute!”

 “Handsome.”

 “Fine.”

 “Sexy!”

 “Funny!”

 And finally, “attractive.”

Sometimes you may even hear the word intelligent. Sometimes.  For many, it may be that this goes without saying.  Of course, there are others who boldly proclaim to date “dumb girls” and “dumb guys” at every opportunity.  But, ultimately, it seems safe to assume that at least a modicum of intelligence will help you in the dating game.

But that’s just my opinion.

So despite topping (or not topping) the list of great attributes for your next potential significant other, I wanted to find out just how sexy intelligence is.  So, in a quest to get beyond my own opinion, I took to social media powerhouse Twitter, where I posed the question to @whatthelove’s more than 2,000 followers.

The question? 

“Is intelligence sexy?” An to which I received the following responses from my fellow tweeters:

@PhoenixBoston stated, “Yes!”

@Mr_Souljah tweeted, “Definitely!!!”

@PrincessKriss said,”Yessssss! You have to get to my mind before you even can peek over the wall in front of my heart!

And lastly, @Social_Sex replied, “Sexiest thing there is!”

Okay, that’s a few more opinions.

From Twitter, I posed the question to my colleague on the relationship front, Keli V. Crane, editor of the relationship-focused website, “Boissuq.com” (pronounced, “boys suck”) who responded with a resounding, “of course.”  Crane went on to state that,” next to confidence, intelligence is the most sexy thing a man can wear.  To me, sexy is a state of mind… a man MUST be able to stimulate me mentally. There’s nothing worse than the “pretty” dude that you never want to open his mouth…Looks are fleeting, but intelligence is forever.”

Well, she must be onto something, because I found there’s an entire dating site dedicated to intelligent, sexy singles. 

Seriously.

It’s called IvyDate.com (Ivy is for “Ivy League,” get it?).  You don’t have to have attended an Ivy League institution, but this site celebrates those intelligent, witty individuals who are looking for someone to connect with.

According to their website, “IvyDate is the premier online introduction network for people who value creativity, intellectual curiosity, and drive. We send you up to five exceptional matches every week, all of whom have been pre-screened by a special membership committee to ensure first-rate qualities.”

I stand corrected—they are not a dating site, but an online introduction network.  So, I thought, “why not ask them?”  Surely, a site like this would have someone I could ask my silly little question.Voila! And so there was.

 I spoke with one of the CEOs from IvyDate.com and asked my question, to which I received the following reply:

 “Of course intelligence is sexy! Just think of Natalie Portman, Cleopatra, and Lord Byron. Or,” he joked, “just take a look at our team!”

 Now that’s just funny.

And…these nice, err, intelligent people went on to allow me to offer you, my precious readers, an opportunity to see just how intelligently sexy they are over at IvyDate.com. So when you finish reading this, run on over there and signup with the promo code WHAT_THE_LOVE, and enjoy some groovy benefits, such as:

  • Ability to register & subscribe for free

  • First priority in membership queue

  • Ability to respond to messages & send smiles for free

  • A discounted membership rate; those who upgrade to a premium membership will receive 25% off on their subscription

Perhaps there’s time for you to have a Happy Valentine’s Day after all…with your smart self!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five GREAT Reasons to Catch HIV

Social Share Toolbar

Let’s just jump right in…right after I say thank you to a good friend who helped me get this message out! “Thank YOU!”

Reason Number One: No one ever told you that you don’t have to have sex…period. 

In every discussion I have ever heard about HIV prevention, the word protection is always used.  But rarely do we give the options of abstinence and celibacy as additional tools to protect against HIV.  Sure, we have to acknowledge that both the young and old engage in premarital sex, and such is the case, we tell both demographics to use condoms.  But why not ALSO  tell them that another option is to skip all of that and keep their goodies to themselves? Believe it or not, everyone is NOT doing it–nor do they want to.

Reason Number Two: You still think that it can’t happen to you.
How long will we believe in that rhetoric? I’m sure there was a time when those girls in high school–you know the ones– thought that they couldn’t get pregnant.  But now, three kids and many years later, they know that they can.  So…why contract this disease to prove a point?  If you’re like millions who willingly or unwillingly engage in unprotected sex each year, then you’ve been lucky (blessed) to dodge this diseased bullet.  If you are still choosing to have sex then you have to be mindful of how serious the act of intercourse is- whether you’re single or married.

Reason Three: You don’t want to offend anyone by asking their status. 
What?! You’ve got to be kidding.  You pride yourself on knowing their favorite color, hobbies, and 5-year plan, but asking their HIV status is overstepping some irrelevant boundary? Again, this isn’t just for single people…married people need to ask the hard
questions, too.  Do you know how many people have NEVER had an HIV test? So, no matter how faithful they may have been, how many times they never cheated and whatever else they say about their past relationships, HIV and other STDs could  still be in the picture…afterall, do you know YOUR status?  Exactly.

Reason Four: You still believe that you’ll be able to tell if someone is sick or not.
Please stop the madness…HIV is not a cold. And even with a cold, how many times have you had one and no one could “tell?” You may have even had a virus or infection, but there were no signs.  HIV and other STDs are the same way.  At the end of the day, the only way to KNOW if someone has it is to see the test. So, before you pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to ask, ask yourself, did you see any proof?

And, just to add a little wisdom to that statement: Remember that HIV can incubate for up to 3 months, which means that if you see the results of their test today, you still need a to see another test 3 months from now.  But again, you could always, “save yourself…by saving yourself.”  That was cute…put poignant.

Reason Five: You’re using sex to get ________________________.
Life happens.  But for some, life happens under duress.  This may be shocking to some of you, but there are people who believe that they have to have sex to maintain a certain lifestyle.  This goes waaaaaay beyond giving sex to get love, this is more about having sex to get your bills paid (and this is not just a statement regarding prostitution–know that); having sex because it’s the by-product of your inebriated activities, which allow you to maintain certain connections; having sex because it affords you something that is essential to your existence.  However, just because you make these types of decisions, you don’t have to further destroy yourself by allowing these events to happen without protection.  If these events (only) happen when you’re drunk, consider staying sober at all costs, and see what decisions you make then–you could be very pleasantly surprised.

In conclusion, I personally, believe in abstinence and celibacy, but if you’re engaging in sexual exploits of ANY kind, it might behoove you and your partner(s) to make a date at your local clinic and get tested.  The five reasons above are stupid reasons to
contract this disease, and in the time it took you read this, approximately 50 more people in the US were just infected (per the 2006 statistics).

For more information or to speak with someone confidentially about HIV or other sexual health concerns contact one or all of the following agencies: AIDS Foundation Houston (www.aidshelp.org) at 713.623.6796  in or The Campaign to End AIDS (www.c2ea.org) at  877.363.2437 (END AIDS).  To find a testing facility in your area, visit the National HIV and STD Testing Resource site (www.hivtest.org) and enter your zip.  Don’t be afraid to find out your status-knowing is half the battle and the first step to waging war on this epidemic.  For those of you who are unaware, today is National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day….and a great day to get tested.

And, in case you were wondering….HIV NEGATIVE–and yes, I have the proof!

Some Advice for Good Sex!

Social Share Toolbar

So…I had the privilege of hanging out with my new 20-something year old buddies for a Relationship Roundtable on Saturday.  Of course as with any discussion about relationships, the topic of sex comes up.

You think?

Well, you know my stance on pre-marital sex (and if you don’t, it’s don’t do it); however, for those of you screaming, “screw you Coach Steph! I’m getting me some sex,” then here’s a few things that I would like you to consider.

Calm down, it’s just 4 little things, you can handle it.

Realize that sex is serious.  It’s not anything that you do to show your power, or how well you can do it.  Even if you have the best sex in the world (and references to support this claim), you are a fool to give it to just anyone to prove a point.  Not only is it serious, it’s spiritual.  Now, even if you don’t have a god or believe in God…two people becoming one should sound pretty powerful to you, and in that moment, you should realize that you are both at your most vulnerable.  So, if you don’t mind taking on someone else’s spirit, mind and body for at least 20 minutes, and you’re okay if that it may not mean anything to them when the act is over, then you might be making a good decision.

Insist on protection.  Beyond getting pregnant by someone you may not like in the next 24-48 hours, there are still diseases that can change your life forever.  We’ve all had unprotected sex, but if you’ve been blessed enough to come through it disease free and HIV-negative…then protect your status and protect yourself.  If someone wants to do it without protection, and by protection, I mean something between your flesh and theirs, then consider it an insult to your self-worth.  You are definitely worth a condom (male or female version), some dental dam, something…aren’t you?

Never give your body with expectations.  This is how you get into problems.  You think that if you do it, he will commit, or he will know how you feel.  If you want to have sex with someone, be prepared to accept the fact that they may not call the next day—or ever, and they still see other people, or breakup with you.  If you can accept that without feeling used or cheated, then you’re really strong.

Get over them before you get under a new person.  Sometimes when we lose someone, we’re so upset that we want to take drastic actions.  And by drastic, I mean finding the nearest most available person to bump uglies with. You’re hoping to reclaim your broken heart and show just how fast you can get over your defunct relationship.  WRONG! You’re about to set yourself up for a huge failure (a possibly EPIC fail, if you will).  The feelings you have for your ex are still present, and if you aren’t careful, they will transfer over to the person that you’re smushing.  So…when the deed is done, you’re going to feel even worse.  Now if you can handle that…then you made the right decision.

Now, for those you who are really paying attention…the first letter of the first word in each of the considerations actually spell the word “RING.”  So, yet and still I hope you get the message.

For those of you who think that sex is about power and empowerment, you are setting yourselves up for failure.  While this article is written with a female spin on it, please note that the considerations apply to guys also.

End the end…you will do what’s best for you…I just hope that if it’s right for you now, that it will be right for you later!

3 Reasons Why you are not Getting Dates

Social Share Toolbar

So, you’re wondering what is really going on? You’re attractive, you’re smart and you’re even open-minded.  But yet and still you find yourself, week after week, dateless.

What the love is going on? (Did you like that shameless plug?)

Well, here’s what you need to know.  For the most part, you expect too much.  You expect to go out looking your best and that someone will notice.  Yea, that worked about a decade ago.  Now, it’s a matter of being in the right place at the right time AND with the right people.  So, just to make it clear, here are the THREE  reasons why your are, in fact, dateless.

Reason One: Looking for love in all the wrong SPACES.
I’ve said it before, but I will repeat myself just for you.  There are three types of spaces that I have identified.  They are: Carnal, Communal, and Committal.  These terms define both spaces and people.  But, here’s the deal.  Most of time, you are in carnal space, looking for communal or committal people.  Carnal people are in carnal spaces.  They are interested in the flesh–your flesh.  The ultimate goal is to have sex with you, not converse with you or get to know you (as things happen in communal space) and not to get into a relationship with you (committal space).  Now, unless you are walking around looking carnal (aka the TnA show), then you will be unsuccessful in carnal spaces.  If you are approached in a carnal space, then know that the goal is simple–I just told you, and if that’s not what you are looking for, then bid them a fond farewell.

You get it?

Reason Two: The predator knows its prey; and you aren’t edible.
If you remotely look like you have things together in your life, then that is yet another reason why you are not being asked out.  Now, I fervently believe that there are good men out there.  However, for every good guy, there are about 20 that are poised and ready, on the prowl for their next “meal.”  Unfortunately, it is easier for you to encounter these predators than it is for you to get to the good guy (but he is out there).  So, you just have to be okay with the fact that you are in a waiting and holding pattern for the good guy.  In the meanwhile, you can also roll your eyes at the unworthy idiot who is attempting to get your number.

Just so you know, this goes for guys too, but it would take to long to re-word it, so just use your imagination.

Reason Three: You need to bring sexy back.
Now I am putting this all on you.  While, I don’t advise presenting your assets as they do in CARNAL-Ville, I do recommend showing off your best assets by way of clothes, makeup, a well-fitted suit…do you get the idea?  For example, if you have great legs, then show them off, don’t hide them.  You don’t need a skirt up to your cookie to show them off, but a well tailored pencil skirt will do the trick and still be professional.  If you’ve been in the gym, then please, sir, make sure that those oxfords and suit jackets are cut just right.   Now, you can leave the “smedium” baby T’s where they are, but just make sure that we can see that awesome form.

Coming out of your house looking like a potato sack, or a dull-dressed man, isn’t serving you any purpose.  Even the great guy or girl has eyes in their head, and they will see you before they talk to you.  So, an awesome personality is a plus, but don’t forsake a pair of jeans with a great fit, or a shirt that picks up the blue in your eyes.

Ok…I think I have made my point.  Now, if you are doing all these things (or not doing) and not getting dates, at least now you have a reason.  So, in the meanwhile, work on your hobbies, take up yoga, and read a good book–like mine.

Never Can Say Good-Bye!

Social Share Toolbar

Just admit it.

Admit what?

Admit that you aren’t strong enough to leave.  Admit that you’re willing to put up with interesting situations, and incessant discussions of the same thing without resolution.

It’s okay. 

You’re not alone.

It’s hard to end a relationship, even if it’s not working.  You’ve put in all this work and you expected some sort of a payoff.  A committment, a spouse, maybe just a drawer in the bedroom for your things…something.  So now, you feel a little bit like you should stay and see this thing through, right? Make sure that it’s run it’s course–you owe it that (or rather you think that you do).  But again, you are not alone.

I cannot say it enough.  We are not supposed to have bad relationships.  We are supposed to be able to avoid people who are not in the same place we are (I call the places, “Carnal, Communal or Committal”) and we are supposed to have the strength to let go of the people who show themselves unworthy of us.  Now when I say unworthy, it makes sound as if it has to be a big deal.  But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be a big deal.  In fact, if we would pay more attention to the little things in our relationships, we might be able to avoid the big heartbreaking thing that ultimately ends this relationship, and shatters your faith in love, the opposite sex, and the ability to ever give that much to anyone else ever again.

Did someone say, “things?”

How do you assess the little things? Well, you can go through the painstaking process of talking to your friends, family and even the Twitterverse, or you can just get my book.

There’s a book about this?

Yes, and I wrote it.  I wrote it to help you stop wasting your time with people that are going to break your heart and ruin your life (if only for a moment).  And, guess what, I didn’t just include ONE little thing…there are TWELVE little things in this book, plus a chapter on how to end it–if that is what you decide you need to do.

You will be strong enough in no time!  I promise!

Guess what I called it?

The Book of Bye! (Seriously…that’s what it is, so why not just call it that).

Look, I know the reason why you can’t say bye, and you know the reason (or reasons) why you can’t say bye.  And no matter what the exact reason is, this is one moment that you can take to figure out what you need to do.

…and I will be right beside you.

In paperback.

For more information on “The Book of Bye!” click here.

I am “Keeping it Real With NeNe!”

Social Share Toolbar

This last Celebrity Love Note is dedicated to NeNe Leakes.  The loud mouth “Housewife” whom Bravo saw fit to make famous continues to do her level best to make my good black woman stock plummet.  In the midst of it all, she is now going through a divorce, and so this love note is written in hopes that other newly divorced individuals do not make the mistakes that I believe she is on the verge of making, among others.

My take:
NeNe’s marriage was allegedly destroyed by fame.  Now, that doesn’t mean that her husband was perfect.  I actually believe that he is a clear demonstration of her father issues, and the need for control, but I digress.  This marriage may have stood a chance if the Real Housewives franchise hadn’t come a’calling, but it’s not the show, it’s the fame that NeNe has received courtesy of the show that is the start of the problems, in my opinion.

But fast-forward to the present.  NeNe and Greg are separated and my assumption is that divorce proceedings are going to be taking place.  Note: Taking place.  They are not divorced…yet.  While some would tell her things such as, “the best way to get over one man is to get undera new one,” this is farthest from the truth.  In fact, this isn’t the time to get over anything, it’s time for you to figure out your role in the breakup of this marriage (how many times have I said this this week).  And furthermore, this is not the time to date…anyone…for any amount of time.  Sorry, sweetie, but you are still married.

Now, I understand that you have dysfunction all around you.  Cynthia’s farce of a marriage is enough to make anyone think that if you do better than that, then you’ve done okay; however, don’t be fooled.  We all saw your tirade regarding the treatment that you’ve received in this marriage.  But, NeNe, I doubt severely that you know how to be a wife.  If you treated your husband even remotely as badly as you have treated some of your co-stars, and fellow Apprentices, I can say with all conviction that being married to you was no walk in the park (more like a walk over burning coals).  Besides the stripper-esque sexual prowess that you’ve bragged about, what else did you bring to the table besides a child and a need to get out of Athens, Georgia?  As such is the case, perhaps this marriage was doomed from the start–TV just expedited the inevitable.

If she were my client:
I’d need a Valium.  Ok, let’s be fair.  If NeNe Leakes came to me for relationship coaching.  I would take away her ego, and put a muzzle on her.  Not literally.  However, NeNe has to learn how to communicate like an adult woman, or she doesn’t have to worry about relationships–platonic or romantic.  I believe that she wants people to prove that they love her by walking through fire, and not getting burned.  That’s quite a fete, even for a Cirque du Soleil cast member, but I truly believe that is what she desires.  For those without fire-walker capabilities, there’s NeNe’s Worship Club.  These individuals exist to answer her beck and call and maintain her ego.  The President of the Worship Club? You guessed it, Cynthia Bailey.  We’ll see how that relationship works out in the coming weeks. Hmmmmm…

Now, the fire-walking mandate is just plain ridiculous.  No one can live up to those standards.  No one has lived up to those standards.

Until we (she and I) can push through these unrealistic relationship expectations, NeNe shouldn’t even think about dating.  She should keep her focus on acting dignified through the divorce, and being the parent that her children need.  Not being “rich;” not buying $9 million homes in Miami; not appeasing her fans with over-the-top theatrics, and not criticizing everyone in Atlanta, but crying “haters” every five minutes.

I need her to do better.

What we can all learn from this:
Separation is not divorced.  Getting divorced is not divorced. Let’s be clear.

What else we can learn?  Our mouths can kill every relationship that we have.  There is no way that anyone can convince me that NeNe hasn’t unleashed hers on her soon to be ex-husband.  But beyond that, we should all learn that we should pay very close attention to the behaviors of the people in our lives, before we become involved with them. 

Men: If the woman you’re involved with has no problem telling people off, guess what, you are not immune to receiving the same treatment (please share this with Lamar Odom about his beloved Khloe).  If that’s not an attractive proposition, then don’t get involved.  If you want to test the theory, then let the first time she emasculates you with profane or insulting words be the last time.  This is not something that gets better.

Women: Being the girl who will tell everyone off is amusing, but it’s not attractive.  A real man will not be attracted to your ability to cuss everyone out at the drop of a dime.  I realize that you are a strong woman and want to let people know that you don’t put up with anything, but consider working on how you deliver such messages, and only “go there” when the situation truly calls for it. If you are around people who always seem to push you to that point, then get some new people in your life, and leave this dysfunction behind.

In the end, we have to respect each other–words and all.  Otherwise, we are all doomed to walk the path that NeNe is walking right now. And even in the cutest Louboutins, its not a journey that anyone wants to take.

Plonk!