Newly Single? How to Financially Get Over Your Ex (from www.hicharlie.com)

Posted on March 25, 2019March 25, 2019 by Team TRF

Breakups are painful and confusing. All of a sudden, your life is completely different and you now need to deal with everything on your own — including financial matters. Even though your heart is bruised and mind is dazed, you need to take charge of your money and financially get over your ex. This is especially true if they handled the household budget or were the main breadwinner.

To avoid adding money misery to your heartache, follow these 10 tips:

Adjust Quickly

It’s natural to wallow in the pain, binging on ice cream and Netflix. However, you need to acknowledge your new reality as soon as possible. If you don’t, you could find yourself in a financial world of hurt. Once you’ve come to grips, you can make a plan.

Determine Your Living Situation

If you and your ex live together, you need to decide who stays in the house or apartment. If unmarried with the mortgage or lease in only one of your names, the decision is easy. But, if it’s a joint venture, you’ll need to partner on a solution.

For owned property, the fairest route may be to sell and split the proceeds. (Or, one of you could buy out the other.). If you are navigating a divorce, the terms of the divorce will decide what happens to the home.

For rented property, you’ll need to involve your landlord. They can make official changes to the lease so that you or your ex is no longer legally responsible for paying rent. If neither of you can afford the apartment on your own, you may need to sublet, re-let, or break the lease.

Regardless of whether you’re staying or going, you need to consider the financial impact. If your ex is leaving, you’ll lose their income. If you’re leaving, you’ll lose their income and need to come up with the cash to move.

Take Stock of Possessions & Debt

A moment ago, everything was shared. Now, it’s a definite case of yours and theirs. Regardless of marital status, anything owned before the relationship typically stays with you. If you’re not married, you and your ex should divvy up items acquired together, or choose to sell them and share the profits. Joint bank accounts should be split fairly and then closed. Further, if you incurred debt together, you should divide responsibility for the balances and close those accounts (preventing your ex from racking up more debt you’d be liable for). Typically, unless there is a dispute, legal intervention is not required.

If you’re getting divorced, your state laws will determine how assets and debts are divided (prenuptial agreements will have an impact as well). In most states, the court will distribute assets and liabilities fairly (not necessarily equally). In the nine community property states, everything obtained during the marriage is split 50-50. Be sure to understand the terms of your divorce or custody arrangement, if applicable, so that you can take advantage of everything that you’re entitled to.

Tip: Don’t forget to change the name on the utility accounts! You don’t want to be responsible for paying for electricity, heat, water, or internet after you move out.

Open Up Your Own Accounts

To move forward, you need to completely separate your finances from your ex. After closing your jointly held asset and debt accounts, open up any new ones that you need. Make sure that anything tied to money is in your name only.

Make (and Stick to) a Budget

You’re now in charge of running your own household and need to set a new budget to reflect that. Add up all of your expenses, including debt payments. Then, add up all of your income sources, factoring in alimony/child support, if applicable.

If your income falls short of your expenses, you need to make quick adjustments to your spending/find ways to increase cash flow. And, even though it’s tempting, try to avoid post-breakup retail therapy, which could cause you more grief and regret.

Tip: If you’re new to budgeting (or are a little rusty), try using a worksheet like this. There are also countless online tools and calculators like these that can help. Remember, Charlie can help you track your debt and spending so that you can stick to your newly created budget.

Update Legal Documents

Unless otherwise required by the terms of your divorce, now’s the time to take your ex out of your will and off of your list of beneficiaries. Be sure to update these documents and name new beneficiaries.

Understand Tax Implications

If you’re divorcing, consider speaking with an accountant to see how your tax liability will change. Generally, single people pay higher taxes. If your income tax withholding is set as “married,” you may want to adjust it by filling out a new w4 form with your employer(s).

Revisit Your Retirement Plan

Since you’re now flying solo, you should re-evaluate your retirement plans. Of course, a lot can change between now and your golden years, but you should ballpark how much money you’ll need if you’re just covering yourself. If you’re divorcing, retirement plan assets accumulated while married are subject to division as part of the proceedings. This monetary gain (or loss) will impact how much more you need to save. Finally, if you’re going to be financially strapped for awhile, consider if it makes sense to suspend contributions to your retirement plan until you’re back on your feet.

Keep Tabs on Your Credit

Your credit situation will change as you close some accounts and open others. Keep a close eye on your credit report to make sure all activity reported is accurate. If you haven’t already, remove your ex as an authorized user on any accounts that you’re keeping.

Tip: If you think your ex may purposefully use your cards, consider changing your credit card account numbers or freezing your credit.

Get Help

If you’re feeling lost and overwhelmed, ask for help. This is a difficult time and there are resources to make this transition easier. Your family and friends can offer support, encouragement, and distraction from the current drama. Community services can connect you with food, housing assistance, career development resources, and more if you’re feeling pinched. Finally, professionals can help with the legal, mental health, and financial planning aspects of this challenging chapter.

This article is for general guidance only. Since every situation is different and laws vary widely from state to state, you’re encouraged to seek the advice of a qualified professional before taking action.

Final Thoughts

Ending a relationship is one of the most difficult parts of the human experience. In a way, your world is ending. But, in a way, it’s just beginning, too. If you follow the tips in this article and lean on your support system, you’ll be well on your way to owning (and loving) your new single, empowered life.

This article was written by Laura Gariepy and originally published on www.hicharlie.com

Four Things a Celebrity Can Teach Us About Love

Posted on January 9, 2019January 9, 2019 by Team TRF

I know, you’re probably wondering…what in the world? A celebrity? What could any celebrity teach me about love? Celebrities are the most dysfunctional relationships ever seen. True–in most cases, however, there are some things that celebrities can teach us about love and relationships, so let’s take a look.

Thanksgiving: A Time for Family?!?!

Posted on November 21, 2017November 21, 2017 by Coach Steph

Yes, Thanksgiving is a time to be especially grateful. In most traditional setting, Turkey Day in the US will include cooking, eating, and visiting with family. There are many, many articles that will talk to you about having fun with family, and making that time together memorable. But let’s be real about what those family gatherings really bring together.

Families love each other, and that’s a good thing. But in the midst of the love, some families have endure dramas and traumas–many that are not discussed. As such is the case, a family gathering, can be a place where emotions run high, and hurts are trying their best not to show their ugly faces as they “pass the dressing.”

Why am I writing about this? Why not just write a happy article about celebrating Thanksgiving and being grateful? Because we need to get real about families and family relations.

At The Relationship Firm, all relationships matter, and as such is the case, it wouldn’t be helpful to act as if people are not hurting and struggling through family dinner–especially during a holiday season. So, here are a few issues, and what we can do with them.

Family Issue One: Criticism

This is the worst! It probably started when you were a child, and it hasn’t stopped yet. What do you do with a family or family members who cannot stop with unsolicited feedback about your looks, your love (or lack of), and your life? TELL THEM! You are an adult now, so why not nicely, yet firmly (no pun intended) tell them that you don’t appreciate being spoken to in that manner, or being the subject of their conversations. You do not just have to take that interaction, or that negative energy in. Take authority. Be nice, be calm, and shut them down.

Another resource on surviving family criticism…

Family Issue Two: Caught in the Middle

Are you in the middle of two or more family members? Has the dispute gone on so long that you have no clue what they are upset about. Maybe you are the peacemaker–if so, try to make peace. But, if you’re ultimately just tired of being in the middle…BOW OUT! Tell that faction and that faction that you are no longer available to them. Again, just because you share DNA does not give people the right to use you as a safe haven.

Family Issue Three: The Lies

Okay, every family has a liar (or lie). Period. If you’re tired of the lie(s), then perhaps it’s time to share the truth. Listen, this is not an encouragement for you to wreck Thanksgiving, but it is an invitation for your to show up as your authentic self this Thanksgiving, and to calmly and nicely deal with the situations that have plagued you for years. Now, if the lies are painful, dinner may not be the time to bring them up…but it may be the time to start dealing with the issue. Does that mean that you start seeing a professional therapist to help you navigate this situation? Is it time to examine the truth…or confess or confront the lie with another family member that you can trust? Lies are dangerous little energy suckers because you spend more energy hiding the lie, than dealing with it. It’s time to deal with it…don’t you agree?

Another article about lies…

Family Issue Four: Betrayal and other “bad” stuff

Let me tell you something. Once upon a time, one of closest cousins stole from me. She took my credit card right out of my purse…and went and bought many, many, things. I trusted this person, and they betrayed me. I am telling you this because I want you to know that we have all been there. And, if it is still weighing on you, then it’s time to address the matter. Perhaps this is the year that you call that relative aside, AFTER THE MEAL, and bring the issue to their attention. And here’s the twist: Tell them that you forgive them. You’re not bringing them into a quiet corner of Granny’s house to make them feel badly. This is not about revenge. This is about a much needed release. So, speak your truth, and forgive them…now we can all move forward!

While this is not the normal Thanksgiving article, I hope that it helped you all the same. All relationships do matter, and before you pass another plate of peas, roll or other Thanksgiving entree, please decide that this is the year that you will be free of the influence and impact of these (and other) family issues on your life. And by all means, be thankful for the opportunities to bring light to dark areas of your life. That’s always something to be grateful for.

That, and yeast rolls!

6 Hard Questions to Ask Your Spouse if you Want your Marriage to Last

Posted on November 15, 2017January 2, 2018 by Coach Steph

Marriage is a commitment. You know that. You said, “I do” days, weeks, months, or years ago. And now you live out what you promised…right? Most people think that marriage is work, but many are not doing the right kind of work.

Really?

Really.

Most marriages work re-actively–reacting to conflict, reacting to situations, reacting to this and that. But to be proactive is rare. As such is the case, being proactive in marriage is something that may be worth addressing. One way to be proactive in marriage is to ask questions; however, these are not questions that you just ask “whenever.” Nor, do you ask in the midst of a conflict, or argument. These are questions that you schedule time to ask and to discuss. So here are 6 hard questions that you should ask your spouse (because assuming just makes things more difficult.)

Question One: Are we happy together?

Now this is a humdinger! What if they say “no?” What if they say “not for a while?” O…what if they say “yes” (Whew!) Whatever the response, it is best to know the answer, and not just assume that because you have “no problems” that you have no problems. (Get it?)

If this answer is not what you want to hear, consider it an opportunity to get better and do better. Don’t get mad, don’t upset–get focused. Marriage is a journey, sometimes people get tired, that doesn’t mean that you can’t regroup and start the journey again…got it?

Question Two: Are our vows still valid?

What? We said to love, honor and cherish til death do we part…how could that not be valid. Easy–you had no clue what you were promising at the time. Besides, these are very vague terms, and so perhaps it’s time to sit down and drill down on the expectations of those vows, beyond the fanfare and the 7-tier cake.

Question Three: What can we do to be better for each other?

This is a question for the bravest of the brave. And if you ask this question…you are the real MVP. Seriously. Most married people believe that they are doing the best that they can, and that is all that they can do. But is it? Probably not. What if your spouse just needs you to listen to their recap of the day (or wait and hour for them to get settled before you start). The “do” can be very little–but have so much impact on the status of our unions.

Question Four: Is our sex life (physical intimacy) satisfying?

Ummmm yes! This is a question that you have to ask. You may think that you have it going on–and maybe you do–but perhaps that’s not always what the situation called for. When we talk to premarital and marital couples at The Relationship Firm, we address their sexual expectations. (Actually we tell them to address them, and then report back with as little detail as possible…SMILE!) People always tell married people that they have to keep the spice–or keep “it” fresh…but what does that mean in YOUR marriage. And if your spouse tells you no…don’t get all emotional…ask why? Then we can move forward.

Question Five: Is there anything that you miss about me? (You can also add “about us?”)

This is different way to ask the question “have I changed?” Great question. And a great way to open up a dialogue around emotional intimacy, spatial intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. You may have no clue that your spouse REALLY liked when you made pancakes and you had breakfast together on Saturdays; but now you grab granola as you head to yoga. They may miss how you jumped in the shower and washed their back. Again, it could be little things.

More questions on intimacy and closeness (if you need them).

Lastly, Question Six: Is there anything that you want me to know?

This is a blanket question. But it has power. Consider using it if you are not ready to ask the other five questions.

At the end of the day, it’s your marriage and you have to find out what works for you. All the couples at The Relationship Firm know that we are just a GPS and they have to set their destination. When people tell you what works in marriage, they only know what worked for them–not you. Don’t be afraid to have a unique marriage. Don’t be afraid to do things differently that ANYONE ELSE. If it works and keeps you moving forward as a couple, then that’s all that matters.

Ready…set…ask…

4 Reasons I am Obsessed with Sheila and Nate

Posted on August 5, 2017October 14, 2017 by Coach Steph

Meet Sheila and Nate Duhon…The popular TV series, now airing on Lifetime, Married at First Sight brings people together to be married at…first sight. When the two people–selected by a panel of relationship “experts”–meet, it is at the altar. They say “I do,” and then begin the 8-month process of getting to know each other. Sheila Downs and Nate are an African-American couple who were brought together by the experts. Their relationship is an intriguing one….here’s why:

Admittedly, I am obsessed with this relationship. As a relationship coach who works with countless premarital couples, the topic of conflict resolution is one that is discussed over and over. Sheila and Nate intrigue me because they have no clue how to disagree with each other.

But…they are not alone.

As newlyweds–who do not know each other–they have not only the normal challenges of finding their marital rhythm, but also finding out about he person they have married. When it comes to conflicts, these two have UGLY arguments, and it is their arguments that I am obsessed with.

Reason One: They profess to love each other.

It’s great to have love…but we have to keep the love when we disagree. They don’t. There have been a myriad of hyper-emotional outbursts, name calling, and statements that are hard to take back. This is the case with many couples. The love is real, and it’s true, but there is fear and baggage. Fear and baggage is the weight that takes a disagreement into a full blown argument. We don’t want to argue. Because arguing isn’t healthy, and can be detrimental to our relationship.

Knock down drag out fights are evidence of greater internal issues…it just has to be said…and they need to be dealt with.

Reason Two: She has already threatened divorce.

NO MA’AM! They made it through this argument, but “divorce threats” are not easily forgotten. However, when people are hurt and unable to deal or trust fully, they often threaten to leave. We all have done this…myself included. #TrueStory

What is underneath this threat–sometimes–is the test to see if this person cares enough to fight for you or stay with you. Still not a good reason to make the threat. What is also underneath this threat is a desire to hurt your spouse because you have been hurt. There is no greater threat to a marriage, THAN the threat of divorce. Divorce means that I don’t want to share life, do life, or spent my life with you any longer. That is painful…and if it’s not true, telling the person you are with, committed to and profess to love that you don’t want those things with them any longer is very damaging to any relationship.

So don’t do it…unless you mean it. And if you mean it…it’s a conversation, not something you yell in the midst of a heated argument.

Reason Three: They are alone now.

Both the cameras and the experts are now gone. This was a shock to me. How could you leave people who have been married for months alone to deal with their issues, especially, one so major as the inability to handle conflict? I have already come forth publicly to say that I will coach Sheila and Nate FOR FREE, if need be, because this is not something that they can fix on their own, and because I believe in their relationship.

While we do premarital coaching at The Relationship Firm, I am most proud of the couples who return for marital coaching. The first year of marriage is challenging, and to do it alone (without an unbiased professional), is doable, but having help can make it so much easier. With Sheila and Nate being on their own, I find myself being concerned about this relationship. It has good bones, and limitless potential. But, they have the type of fights that end marriages FAST! And they need help with that…just like any other newlyweds.

Reason Four: Dear Newlyweds…It can work.

This relationship is not terminal…it is not toxic…it is healthy, I estimate, about 80% of the time, maybe more. But the fights are toxic…terminal…and unhealthy 100% of the time. That is the problem, and it isn’t even about them.

The way Sheila and Nate fight is alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll about their histories. Relationships that went amuck, unmet expectations, past hurts, and the like. These have to be dealt with so that Sheila and Nate can deal with each other in an authentic space. Every couple includes two people who have had experiences prior to this relationship.

It has to be said (and this is only my opinion), that sometimes the more you love someone the more afraid you can become. You are afraid to lose what you’ve found, and it makes you hyper-sensitive to the issues that come up. You reflect on the past, and those similarities make you think that you’re about to lose again. That’s okay. You are entitled to your feelings and your needs. We just have to create a strategy where you deal with these issues in a way that keeps this relationship moving in the direction you want. Otherwise, the fears and baggage continue to weigh down the relationship, and as you struggle through resolving these hurtful exchanges, it gets harder and harder to stay connected and enjoy the great times that your love wants to afford you.

Bottom line for Sheila and Nate, and anyone else who just got married (even not at first sight), is that there is help, and there is no shame in asking for it. As newlyweds, you have to learn to navigate your life together. It is a bumpy, winding, twisting, and sometimes even invisible road, but it is worth it…love is always worth it, because love never fails! (A little Biblical reference for you guys! Smile!)

Sheila and Nate…call The Relationship Firm…we can help. We promise! #ShamelessPlug #ButASeriousOne

How our human battery looks when we're tired of this and that.

CONFESSION: I’m tired of…

Posted on April 12, 2017April 11, 2017 by Coach Steph

Tired of… These days, it doesn’t take much to become tired of something. Sometimes we’re just tired of our hectic lives and mundane schedules. Other times, we’re of something particular: the relationship that won’t get back on the right track; the dream that is taking its sweet time coming to pass; the child that acts if they were raised by wolves, despite coming from your very own womb…things like that.

Well, here’s the good news: It’s okay to be tired of whatever you find yourself tired of.

Here’s more news: It’s not okay to stay tired.

If we’re willing to accept that being tired is our fault, then there are many things that we can do to put an end to our tiredness. Why is it out fault? Because many of things that we are tired of, we cannot control, or change. So, we’re tired because we have exhausted our energy by putting it into a place that cannot return the investment.

How do you change the relationship that won’t get back on track? Either accept that it’s going to be the way that it is, or get out of the relationship. When we stay and try to fix it, and make it change, or change the other person, that doesn’t work…it never works! So, here we are tired of this relationship. No, what we’re tired of is things not being the way we think they should be, or not serving us in a positive way. So deal with it! Seriously.

Same thing with your dreams…are you tired because you’ve done all you can do, or because you did the bare minimum and it didn’t pay off? Ask yourself, why is this taking so long…is it me? Or…the dream? Sometimes dreams take as long as they are going to take. Again, you can accept that or get a new dream. What’s your choice? Visionaries these grand individuals who dream vividly, but can also be very, VERY impatient. But if you’re willing to stay the course and be diligent…I do believe that the manifestation of said dream is closer than you might think.

We’ve saved the best for last…

Now the child…that may be a hard one, or any family member. But, again, what are you tired of? Are you tired of trying to get them to clean their room, or do their homework? Find a purpose? Stop hanging out with him or her? What if you stop trying? What if you decide this is unacceptable and that you’re not going to discuss it with them anymore? After spending weeks, months or years dealing with this situation, what happens if you declare this as the last month for this situation because he or she is going to start seeing a life coach and if that doesn’t change anything then boarding school (or military school) it is. Wow! That sounds harsh; however, what else are you going to do?

We’ve told you that you deserve the best life (and love), so it’s time to take that to heart and stop being tired of situations that you cannot control or change in your own power. Make a decision that is best for you (and your sanity), and start being tired of being relaxed…not worrying…not stressing. See, that doesn’t even make sense.

But…you get the idea. Love YOU! Mean it!

Celebrity Love Notes: Introducing Heather and Josh Altman

Posted on September 28, 2013April 11, 2017 by Coach Steph

Josh Altman and Heather Bilyeu (the soon to be Mrs. Josh Altman) are one of the newest power couples in LA! Both successful realtors, viewers see multi-million dollar real estate deals delivered each week by Josh and Heather on Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles (#MDLLA). They have done a great job keeping business and “pleasure” separate, as Josh works for one agency and she with The Agency, owned by the amazingly attractive and successful husband, of Kyle Richards (of Real Housewives Beverly Hills fame)–Mauricio Umansky (www.TheAgencyRE.com).

However, recently, Josh and his brother decided to open a new real estate venture, appropriately named “The Altman Brothers,” and much to Heather’s chagrin, Josh decided that for the sake of their relationship, she will not be involved.

Of course, she was disappointed…make that a little shy of furious.

Despite the 82% (I read somewhere) that agree with Heather, I am going on record that I agree ONE MILLION PERCENT with Josh!

It takes a very special couple to work and to “play” together. In a business like real estate, which is competitive (and can be cutthroat), working together could pose some challenges. The challenges at work, then become the challenges at home, and it’s down hill from there. Consider the challenges that Heather endured with Madison, if those same issues emerged between Heather and another agent at The Altman Brothers, businessman Josh, then morphs into super-protective fiancé or new husband Josh Altman, and we have a problem…a big one. I personally, hate to see Josh when he’s not calm, cool and collected, and I can only imagine how wrong that can go in real life.

Hopefully, Heather has seen the light (since this was taped many moons ago), and recognizes that being separate in their professional endeavors will allow them to have professional happenings to share during their quality times at home, but will also keep them from having their personal lives overrun by real estate. As a couple, it is imperative that this time is used to get to know each other –even better than they do now. This is the time for deep discussions about our future and our children, NOT to be distracted by some deal that went South the day before, nor to explore the quickest way to entice a buyer for a $20.2 million compound in the Hollywood Hills.

What anyone can learn from this situation, is that if you have a significant other who is actively taking responsibility for the success of the relationship, then that is a good thing…this is what Josh did. I give Josh kudos for standing up for his relationship and saying that working together may create situations that may impact our ability to stay together. I give Heather kudos for being upset at first, but accepting the reality and–even if she doesn’t mean it–showing solidarity with Altman’s decision. Ultimately, this is what marriage is about–being teammates. As such is the case, “Team Altman-Bilyeu” is on the right track.

Congrats!

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Update: Josh and Heather wed in 2016 after a three-year engagement. Congrats!