Couple talking about marriage

6 Hard Questions to Ask Your Spouse if you Want your Marriage to Last

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Marriage is a commitment.  You know that.  You said, “I do” days, weeks, months, or years ago.  And now you live out what you promised…right?  Most people think that marriage is work, but many are not doing the right kind of work.



Most marriages work re-actively–reacting to conflict, reacting to situations, reacting to this and that.  But to be proactive is rare.  As such is the case, being proactive in marriage is something that may be worth addressing.  One way to be proactive in marriage is to ask questions; however, these are not questions that you just ask “whenever.” Nor, do you ask in the midst of a conflict, or argument. These are questions that you schedule time to ask and to discuss.  So here are 6  hard questions that you should ask your spouse (because assuming just makes things more difficult.)

Question One: Are we happy together?

Now this is a humdinger!  What if they say “no?”  What if they say “not for a while?”  O…what if they say “yes” (Whew!)  Whatever the response, it is best to know the answer, and not just assume that because you have “no problems” that you have no problems. (Get it?)

If this answer is not what you want to hear, consider it an opportunity to get better and do better.  Don’t get mad, don’t upset–get focused.   Marriage is a journey, sometimes people get tired, that doesn’t mean that you can’t regroup and start the journey again…got it?

Question Two: Are our vows still valid?

What?  We said to love, honor and cherish til death do we part…how could that not be valid.  Easy–you had no clue what you were promising at the time.  Besides, these are very vague terms, and so perhaps it’s time to sit down and drill down on the expectations of those vows, beyond the fanfare and the 7-tier cake.

Question Three: What can we do to be better for each other?

This is a question for the bravest of the brave.  And if you ask this question…you are the real MVP.  Seriously.  Most married people believe that they are doing the best that they can, and that is all that they can do.  But is it?  Probably not.  What if your spouse just needs you to listen to their recap of the day (or wait and hour for them to get settled before you start).  The “do” can be very little–but have so much impact on the status of our unions.

Question Four: Is our sex life (physical intimacy) satisfying?

Ummmm yes!  This is a question that you have to ask.  You may think that you have it going on–and maybe you do–but perhaps that’s not always what the situation called for.  When we talk to premarital and marital couples at The Relationship Firm, we address their sexual expectations.  (Actually we tell them to address them, and then report back with as little detail as possible…SMILE!)  People always tell married people that they have to keep the spice–or keep “it” fresh…but what does that mean in YOUR marriage.  And if your spouse tells you no…don’t get all emotional…ask why?  Then we can move forward.

Question Five: Is there anything that you miss about me? (You can also add “about us?”)

This is different way to ask the question “have I changed?”  Great question.  And a great way to open up a dialogue around emotional intimacy, spatial intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.  You may have no clue that your spouse REALLY liked when you made pancakes and you had breakfast together on Saturdays; but now you grab granola as you head to yoga.  They may miss how you jumped in the shower and washed their back.  Again, it could be little things.

More questions on intimacy and closeness (if you need them). 

Lastly, Question Six: Is there anything that you want me to know?

This is a blanket question.  But it has power.  Consider using it if you are not ready to ask the other five questions.

At the end of the day, it’s your marriage and you have to find out what works for you.  All the couples at The Relationship Firm know that we are just a GPS and they have to set their destination.  When people tell you what works in marriage, they only know what worked for them–not you.  Don’t be afraid to have a unique marriage.  Don’t be afraid to do things differently that ANYONE ELSE.  If it works and keeps you moving forward as a couple, then that’s all that matters.


God Told Me That He (or She) is “The One”

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The new best-selling book by my colleague Stephan Labossiere

Many people have professed that God told them that somebody was “the one” for them.  Many have been heartbroken and other inspired by these words.  The issue is not if God told you the truth–because if He actually said it, it is the truth, or if God reveals such a thing…those arguments are moot, as God is all-powerful and can tell anyone, anything, at any time.  The question is, did God tell you…you did you tell you, and then ask God to agree?  It’s easy to make assumptions about what God wants for you–especially in relationships. But when you start putting “God told me” in front of your statements…you need to VERY sure that you are NOT prophe-lying (the opposite of prophesying) on God.

So…How do you know the difference?  Let’s see…starting with when God speaks.

When God speaks…he doesn’t sound like James Earl Jones, in fact, He may not have a real voice at all, and He rarely (if ever) speaks in stereo.  He still uses a still, small voice (I Kings 19:12), versus a “burning bush.”  There’s a stillness and an understated presence that He creates for revelation.  Note: If you can mimic the voice that you just heard, it’s probably not God, it was probably you.

When God speaks…there  will be confirmation of what He said.  This means that through people, events, and the Word, God will confirm what He has said to you…any question that you had/have about what you heard will be clarified.  Confusion is not of God…He doesn’t want us to be confused, He wants us to be clear.  If you lack clarity, then it’s time to pray.

When God speaks…(sometimes…usually) temptation comes.  For example, if God has truly revealed something to you, temptation may come in the form of a faster way to get what you’ve been promised.  The temptation usually comes in the process, not the promise.  As this relates to “the one,” you may be tempted to have this relationship with “your type” versus waiting for what God is crafting for you. So, know that if that form of temptation comes–do this quick deal, borrow this, lie about this, be with (another) her or him–then you’ve got a promise that is steadfast and true.

When God speaks…there will be peace.  If you cannot accept what is “said,” and you become nervous, anxious, restless, or are pushed farther from God versus pulled closer–check the source.  Again, God doesn’t deal in confusion.  As a wise man once told me, “confusion is not God…period.”

Now, on to the part about God telling you he or she is “the one” for you.  Forget what anyone has told you…this does still happen.  It does not happen to everyone, however.  The challenge is knowing that God is speaking to you (and we just addressed that).  The additionally, challenge is holding on to the promise, especially when everything in front of you seems as if the promise is never going to happen, remember this is a process.

Here’s a few tips about what NOT to do when you are holding on to a CONFIRMED, Divine promise:

Don’t tell everyone.  While you may be excited, some people are dream killers (haters, if you will), and they will say or do whatever they can to make you doubt what you have been told.

Take your questions to God.  If you get doubtful (and you will), take your doubts to God.  Taking them to people, only gives them the opportunity to give you natural (human) wisdom, and that isn’t what you need.  God uses unusual situations to bring His will into manifestation.  Let Him guide you.

Lastly, don’t do this all alone. Find (pray for) someone who will support you in this journey.  I currently have a couple of clients that I am doing this for.  Once you’ve confirmed that God said it–regardless of what it is–having a spiritual coach/mentor will help you stay focused and faithful to what you are waiting for. To win the prize, every runner needs a coach…get it?

If He said it (really said it)…he will do it.  He did it for Sarah Nelson (Read her story.)

In conclusion, God still speaks, don’t ever doubt that.  Your challenges are 1) confirm the voice of God then 2) once confirmed, to wait for the promises.  His promises are yes and Amen…He doesn’t lie.  The question is…can you handle, err…wait on His truth?

Don’t worry, I’ll wait (with you)…

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