How to Upgrade “Them”

Social Share Toolbar

So…instead of writing yet another article…I am just going to let this lovely chapter from my book, “The Book of Bye!” do the talking.

from Thing Three: “Lemme Upgrade Ya!”

Confession: I am not a fan of this artist.

While the song featuring the same lyrics as this chapter is cute; believing that you are the person ordained to either be the upgrade for or to deliver the upgrades to this new person in your life is cooking up a recipe for DI-SAS-TER!

 That’s disaster, for those of you who didn’t quite catch that.

Why is it a recipe for disaster?

 Let me ask you a question: How would you feel if someone chose you to be their fixer-upper?


Dana is a really sweet girl.  Not wanting to discriminate, Dana decided that she could go out with Corey despite the fact that she thought he was “too big.”  Her sweet self just thought that he would be a great workout partner, and that would be a great way for them to spend time together.  Well, they didn’t work out together, but you already knew that, and in fact, he never worked out at all!

Now, this is one girl’s story, so some of you won’t be so offended, but imagine if the roles were reversed and Corey tried to slenderize Dana.  There would be a public outcry, and Corey’s head would be requested on a platter.  It would be unconscionable that some man would do this do a woman.

I know. You’re disgusted just thinking about it.  Calm down, and let’s move on to the big thing.

The big thing…

The great thing about a healthy relationship is that we make each other better.  When one member of the relationship believes that he or she is on their A-Game and they further believe that they have chosen a strong C or D-Game individual to fix, this almost never turns out well. Attempts to change someone can lead to a situation riddled with resentment, especially if you take this “upgrade” thing too far and cause the other person to feel inadequate, insecure or self-conscious.  Even if the other person is open to your attempts to change them, the truth is they’ll always be who they are, which may be an overweight guy who likes turtle cheesecake and fried chicken.

 Therefore, we have to accept that the person in front of us is just that person.  They are not the person who would be great, if…or who would be perfect, if.

Dana is really sweet, but the truth is, she should’ve let Corey be exactly who he was…without her.


Now, let’s mend it or end it.


Mend it, if:

  • The upgrade is cosmetic and minimal.

Translation: If you’re just suggesting a few new items to their wardrobe (emphasis on a “FEW”), or you genuinely love who they are inside and the upgrade is based on bringing them out of their shell, or to encourage them to show-off their best assets.

End it, if…

Well of course I left you hangin’…you need to get the entire book, and check out “things” 1-12.  The Book of Bye! is available at, and you need to get yours before the price changes, AND before my Bye Club Book Club event on December 18th.