Are you in an Unhealthy Relationship?

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Unhealthy relationships are becoming an epidemic.  More often than not, people are remaining in relationships that cause them to be hurt, confused, mistreated, and even abused.  But why are they staying when it is blatantly clear to everyone else that they should walk away?  Why do people connected to someone who is making their life miserable?  Why don’t they just walk…err, run away?

Great questions.

Last night, I facilitated a workshop at a local women’s shelter, and all of the women there had endured some type of abuse.  At some point, they walked out and that decision landed in the safety of the shelter.  It was an honor to sit down with this diverse group of “sheroes” and it caused me to think more about relationships, in general and unhealthy relationships, more specifically.

Why do people endure unhealthy relationships?

Perhaps they don’t know that it’s unhealthy.  After leaving the shelter, I was later on air doing an interview, and we discussed how jealous and possessive behavior can look “cute” and “endearing” at first.  The fact that he (or she) shows up where you are, and seems overly interested in your activities and attire, makes them seem as if this person really cares about you.  As the incidents of jealousy and possessiveness increase, sometimes we remain oblivious to the changes that are obvious to others in our lives.  You may not go out anymore, your clothing may change, you seem distant.  But it’s all done in the name of preserving your (unhealthy) relationship, and that shows committment, right?  No…it shows that you are losing yourself to a force that is attempting to subdue you, and that if you continue to accept this behavior that it will be to your detriment.

Then again, perhaps they know it’s unhealthy, but have no clue what to do with that reality.  Or, (and this happens often) they know the relationship is bad, but they have decided that they want to win.  So, this means that every piece of “leave him or her alone” becomes motivation to stay with this person and make it–if only to avoid the “I told you so’s” of the people who cared enough to tell you that your relationship was not a good place to be. This is the wrong time to “let your haters be your motivators,” as the song says. Whatever the justification, it is steeped in the fact that by the time any relationship becomes undeniably toxic, both parties are vested so deeply, that it almost seems easier to remain in dysfunction, than to escape into loneliness (or I told you so’s as previously stated).  Sadly, this keeps many people in relationships that will impact their lives negatively now, and some, for years even after a breakup.

Perhaps it’s less unhealthy than their last relationship.  Now, this is the kicker.  Some people actually believe that as long as this relationship is not “as bad” as their last relationship, then everything is ok, and there’s not a problem.  This is not okay.  Despite the fact, that this person only cheats on you consistently and the last person physically assaulted you, that comparison does not make either one of these relationships better than the other.  They are both bad, and they are both unhealthy, you cannot continue to deny the truth, nor can you ignore the fact that you must do something about it.

I could go on, but then there wouldn’t be a part two.  If you happened to see your relationship characterized in this article, then you can no longer claim ignorance.  It’s time to make some changes because if nothing changes, nothing changes. If you need help, I am here, if you have questions, ask.  This is not the time to think about loyalty, or committment–unless you’re thinking about the loyalties and the commitments that you made to yourself.

I told the group last night, and I am telling YOU now:  As Katt Williams says, “it’s all about your star player…this means you.”  Now you know better, so I hope you’ll at least think about doing better.  Every action begins with a thought (hint-hint).

#CSHS #StopDomesticViolence

 

7 Scary Relationships

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There are all kinds of relationships…but here are six that I find a little, and one that I  find really “scary.”

We don’t really know anything about each other.
Consider the fact that most people send their representative out on at least the first 5 dates, and add to that the reality that the majority of people who date don’t want to ask hard questions about the other person, and the possibility of not really knowing anything about each other becomes very real.

But it doesn’t have to stay this way.  Both parties can ask meaningful questions so that they do get to know each other.  Questions such as:

  • What are your expectations for someone you’re in a relationship with?
  • Have you ever cheated? Why did you (if you did)?
  • What are your life and career goals?

help you come to an understand about who the person you call your “signif” (significant other).

I don’t like you, despite saying I love you.
Admittedly, I spent a decade in a relationship with someone I loved, but didn’t like.  But, liking the person you’re in a relationship with supersedes loving them–believe it or not.  The friendship element of your relationship helps sustain the rest of your relationship.  Out of friendship is born respect, trust, honesty, communication, common ground.  Friendship is the foundation of an amazing love story.

We don’t share anything/our communication sucks.
Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with people who don’t let us into their lives.  If this is you, consider sharing some thing that is special, but doesn’t make you uncomfortable.  If you’re person who feels a bit jilted about what you’re not being told, then perhaps its time to look at the root of this situation.

Of course, you could always schedule an intervention or mediation, and we can talk through the things that are not being talked about.

I can’t trust you.
While this is a warning for both guys and gals, guys need to be aware that the gals in their lives need stability.  Stability doesn’t stop with trusting you to take care of things and being financially secure.  Trust and stability starts with keeping your word, calling/coming/doing when you say you will.  Every promise needs to be kept, or admitted that it can’t be kept.  It’s scares people (no pun) to be connected to someone that doesn’t keep their word, or fails to admit when they can’t.

In the end, everyone needs to be able to believe in the person they are with. Your word is your bond.

It’s just sex…REALLY!
You cannot build a relationship that lasts on sex.  You can build a sexual relationship, but to attempt to turn that into something meaningful is usually futile.  If it’s just sex, then that’s a decision that you BOTH should make, along with setting boundaries, getting tested, and agreeing that being physically intimate does not imply or guarantee an exclusive, long-term, or loving relationship.

If you want an exclusive, long-term relationship, you may want to consider exploring sex-free relationships so you can get to know each other and spend quality time without the burden of STDs, pregnancy scares, or late night texts asking, “what are
you doing?”

Lastly, you hurt me.
This is not just about emotional pain, but physical pain as well.  Without going through all the signs of an abusive relationship, the one thing that you have to know is that if you don’t feel safe…you probably aren’t safe.  Not only is today Halloween, but it’s the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness month.  If you’re in an abusive relationship–emotional, physical, financial, etc, perhaps it’s time to make this “last time,” be the LAST TIME.  Get  CONFIDENTIAL help now…

In conclusion, there are definitely some other scary relationships, and if you see your relationship in one of the seven above…there is something you can do about it.  There is no reason to settle for an average relationship when you can have an amazing relationship using the same time, energy and emotions.  Learn more…