Thanksgiving: A Time for Family?!?!

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Yes, Thanksgiving is a time to be especially grateful.  In most traditional setting, Turkey Day in the US will include cooking, eating, and visiting with family.  There are many, many articles that will talk to you about having fun with family, and making that time together memorable.  But let’s be real about what those family gatherings really bring together.

Families love each other, and that’s a good thing.  But in the midst of the love, some families have endure dramas and traumas–many that are not discussed.  As such is the case, a family gathering, can be a place where emotions run high, and hurts are trying their best not to show their ugly faces as they “pass the dressing.”

Why am I writing about this?  Why not just write a happy article about celebrating Thanksgiving and being grateful?  Because we need to get real about families and family relations.

At The Relationship Firm, all relationships matter, and as such is the case, it wouldn’t be helpful to act as if people are not hurting and struggling through family dinner–especially during a holiday season.  So, here are a few issues, and what we can do with them.

Family Issue One: Criticism

This is the worst! It probably started when you were a child, and it hasn’t stopped yet.  What do you do with a family or family members who cannot stop with unsolicited feedback about your looks, your love (or lack of), and your life?  TELL THEM!  You are an adult now, so why not nicely, yet firmly (no pun intended) tell them that you don’t appreciate being spoken to in that manner, or being the subject of their conversations.  You do not just have to take that interaction, or that negative energy in.  Take authority.  Be nice, be calm, and shut them down.

Another resource on surviving family criticism…

Family Issue Two: Caught in the Middle

Are you in the middle of two or more family members?  Has the dispute gone on so long that you have no clue what they are upset about.  Maybe you are the peacemaker–if so, try to make peace.  But, if you’re ultimately just tired of being in the middle…BOW OUT!  Tell that faction and that faction that you are no longer available to them.  Again, just because you share DNA does not give people the right to use you as a safe haven.

Family Issue Three: The Lies

Okay, every family has a liar (or lie).  Period.  If you’re tired of the lie(s), then perhaps it’s time to share the truth.  Listen, this is not an encouragement for you to wreck Thanksgiving, but it is an invitation for your to show up as your authentic self this Thanksgiving, and to calmly and nicely deal with the situations that have plagued you for years.  Now, if the lies are painful, dinner may not be the time to bring them up…but it may be the time to start dealing with the issue.  Does that mean that you start seeing a professional therapist to help you navigate this situation?  Is it time to examine the truth…or confess or confront the lie with another family member that you can trust?  Lies are dangerous little energy suckers because you spend more energy hiding the lie, than dealing with it.  It’s time to deal with it…don’t you agree?

Another article about lies…

Family Issue Four: Betrayal and other “bad” stuff

Let me tell you something.  Once upon a time, one of closest cousins stole from me.  She took my credit card right out of my purse…and went and bought many, many, things.  I trusted this person, and they betrayed me.  I am telling you this because I want you to know that we have all been there.  And, if it is still weighing on you, then it’s time to address the matter.  Perhaps this is the year that you call that relative aside, AFTER THE MEAL, and bring the issue to their attention.   And here’s the twist: Tell them that you forgive them.  You’re not bringing them into a quiet corner of Granny’s house to make them feel badly.  This is not about revenge.  This is about a much needed release.  So, speak your truth, and forgive them…now we can all move forward!

While this is not the normal Thanksgiving article, I hope that it helped you all the same.  All relationships do matter, and before you pass another plate of peas, roll or other Thanksgiving entree, please decide that this is the year that you will be free of the influence and impact of these (and other) family issues on your life.  And by all means, be thankful for the opportunities to bring light to dark areas of your life.  That’s always something to be grateful for.

That, and yeast rolls!

The Professor: What Is a Healthy Relationship? (and, are YOU in one?)

Posted on by Team TRF
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I’d like to take some time out and talk about relationships, in general…

What is a Relationship?

Most people see relationships as dynamics between a man and a woman interacting and growing together.  And while this is true, it’s not the full picture of what relationships are supposed to do.

A relationship, in its purest sense, is two or more individuals with similar worldviews coming together for a common purpose.

What Does This Mean?

Well this means that a relationship spans any dynamic you have with anyone in your life.  It could be one with your best homie or your “BFF”, your parents, siblings, co-workers, churchmates, or with a significant other.  We have to understand how all of these relationships work in order to have balance in our lives.

What is a Healthy Relationship?

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached.  The love is the central issue.  The love context fuels attention or respect.  We can liken this to either a mother picking up a crying infant in the wee hours of the morning, or one friend giving counsel to another who appears to be lost in a distressing situation, uplifting and encouraging instead of pointing fingers. When this happens, the appropriate values flow, everyone in the relationship grows, and the oneness of the relationship flows like it should. And the relationship’s purpose, reached.

And if you feel like loving children and being a good friend is elementary, go read the news.   Mothers are choking infants  and people are stabbing each other over Facebook arguments.  Facebook arguments?  You had better believe it; there’s not a lot of love out there.  And that’s no good.   The reality of the matter is that things like this should be “common” sense.  But loving your neighbor as your own flesh with no strings attached has become very uncommon these days.  It’s saddening.  Therefore we must turn to a greater standard for loving one another. One where we serve as opposed to demanding service.

But What About My Relationship with my Significant Other?

I’ve gotten a little bit into what I intended to discuss, but whatthelove.org is a website for romantic relationships.  So why is this here?  To reiterate, all relationships are connected.  However, all relationships are connected in this way: to the extent that our relationships function appropriately will determine how well other relationships function appropriately.  This means that we understand what the relationship is doing and our role in it, in the spirit of service and friendship.  And friends disagree sometimes, but maintain peaceful oneness without arguing.  And peace makes everything better.

For next time:  Would YOU date someone who complained about their mother?  Father? Co-workers? Their career?  Would you consider them peaceful?

Until next time…

Coach Steph Note: Welcome our newest LIVE guest writer, The Professor! We are glad that he is willing to bring some different perspectives to WTL! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!