houston marriage help Archives - The Relationship Firm Blog

Coach Steph,

Hi! I my name is (NAME WITHHELD) and I am afraid that I have a big problem. I got married six months ago to a man that I love, and who I thought loved me. But since the wedding, he has been different. He’s just not interested in me. We don’t talk and we don’t go out. He just comes home and sits in the house. I have asked what is wrong, and I get a “nothing.” I don’t know what to do, and now I am wondering if my marriage was a mistake. I am scared to ask him if he wants a divorce. It’s just been six months.

Help!

-A.K.

Dear A.K.,

I am sorry to hear about your problem. Recently, I hosted a mediation for a couple in a similar situation, and I am happy to say that now they are doing much better–and planning to stay together. In your situation, first of all, know that the problem may or may not be you. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the new role of husband, or perhaps something has happened financially that is making him distant from you, because he fears he cannot be the husband you want, or that he promised you he would be–men do not do well, when their role of provider is tampered with.

The truth of the matter is, that perhaps you should–CALM AND NICELY–ask him if he wants a divorce (if and only if that feels right). Asking can remove your fears and stop you from carrying that burden. Secondly, perhaps being asked such a direct question might coax him into revealing what is really going on with him. You have to be prepared that he might say yes; however, that is more than likely not the case.

Now…If the divorce question doesn’t feel right–don’t do it, an alternative is to tell him that you’re here and promise to be understanding, whenever he wants to talk…this might also pave the way for him to reveal the issue, if he was afraid of your reaction. You must keep the promise to be understanding, by the way, or you could cause more damage.

The early stages of a marriage can sometimes be the hardest. The two of you are merging lives, and trying to build a life together. This can be stressful, especially if you have been on your own for quite some time. Consider that this transition is also going on within each of you. As you move into the roles of husband and wife, understand that most people have no REAL clue what it means to be married. This is why we offer pre-and post-marital visioning programs, so that couples can set their expectations together, and then live up to them in peaceful co-existence, versus just being married, and having no clue what that means to you individually or collectively.

Check out Allison Vesterfelt’s six tips after six months of marriage…here.

In conclusion, you cannot go on living like this. I am sure that there is a fair amount of hurt in your heart at this time, and my prayer will be that you’re healed so you may go forward without pain–and the baggage that the pain brings. Again, I caution you to ask about divorce only if it feels right, and if not don’t. If you cannot get a meaningful answer from him, I recommend praying and then finding a coach or a counselor–if only for yourself. Whatever has changed him is substantial, and saving a marriage is no easy feat. But, continue to walk in love, and keep your household a place of peace, and keep smiling…very soon, this will pass–one way or another.

Keep me posted.

If you’ve been paying attention, it seems that everyone is getting married…EVERYONE. And, while there are still hot debates on who should and should not be able to enjoy nuptial bliss, this article is not about that.

Marriage is a very important union between two people. While it has been reduced to something you “just do,” and then use a swift divorce to get out of it, it’s so much more than that. And, perhaps this article will help you see that. Well, enough with the small talk…let’s get to some reasons…

Reason one: You have NO CLUE who you married. Now, this is more than likely your fault, sorry, it just has to be said. This seems to be the biggest cause of marriage failures, because people insist on bucking the order of things. As any six could tell you, “first comes love, THEN comes marriage, THEN the baby carriage.” But that’s not how we do things now. Most people have baby carriages and then marriage, but love (or even like) is no where in the equation. We’re marrying people we don’t know because we “mightaswell.” As such is the case, the due diligence necessary to learn about a person is never done. And, then you walk down the aisle and start a future with someone who is NOT who you think (or want) them to be.

Reason two: You really just wanted a wedding. Ah! Such a beautiful event. The dress, the food, the attention, the gifts–all for you. It’s easy to see how this happens, and unfortunately, some people loved the wedding, but hate the marriage. While this may seem silly to some, there are people who just wanted the experience of getting married, and now their marriage is either failing or has failed. Five words: Don’t…let…this…be…you!

Reason three: You’ve taken marriage advice from married people. I say it often, “just because you are married, doesn’t mean that you know how to be.” Some married people will give you flawed advice. EVERYTHING from take revenge on your spouse to just leave your spouse. Here’s the problem: it’s not their marriage! The tenets of your marriage (which my clients explore in marital visioning and pre-marital coaching), are not the tenets of someone else’s marriage. Stop believing that because someone has been married for “X” more years than you have, that they have the secret to your success. Married people should seek unbiased support when encountering marital challenges, not the advice of those who could cause more harm than good. Am I saying that all married people give flawed advice…not at all. But, I am saying, that you should scrutinized the advice you receive, and if there’s not a stitch of encouragement or support in their statements to you…RUN!

Reason four: Communication has gone out the window. Everyone knows that communication is required for any relationship to survive. However, in a marriage, communication takes many different forms. The communication that I am talking about, is the communication of needs and expectations. During a marriage, people continue to evolve and to learn about themselves–this is good. What is not good is when the other spouse is unaware. Communicating needs and expectations is an ongoing process in a successful marriage, and when your spouse meets your needs and expectations, then celebrating them is in order. In fact, communication and celebration go hand in hand in a marriage–don’t think otherwise. Everyone needs a pat on the back (or lower, if that’s a need-smile).

In the end, these are just 4 of many reasons your marriage could fail, but it doesn’t have to. We help marriages in crisis all the time with mediations and coaching, so reading this article could be a turning point in your marital relationship. Remember, you avoid bad relationships (and marriages) when you get FIRM. www.TheRelationshipFirm.com

Ask Coach Steph: Was My Marriage a Mistake?

4 Reasons Your Marriage (Might) Fail… (Twosday@TRF)