Newly Single? How to Financially Get Over Your Ex (from www.hicharlie.com)

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Breakups are painful and confusing. All of a sudden, your life is completely different and you now need to deal with everything on your own — including financial matters. Even though your heart is bruised and mind is dazed, you need to take charge of your money and financially get over your ex. This is especially true if they handled the household budget or were the main breadwinner.

To avoid adding money misery to your heartache, follow these 10 tips:

Adjust Quickly

It’s natural to wallow in the pain, binging on ice cream and Netflix. However, you need to acknowledge your new reality as soon as possible. If you don’t, you could find yourself in a financial world of hurt. Once you’ve come to grips, you can make a plan.

Determine Your Living Situation

If you and your ex live together, you need to decide who stays in the house or apartment. If unmarried with the mortgage or lease in only one of your names, the decision is easy. But, if it’s a joint venture, you’ll need to partner on a solution.

For owned property, the fairest route may be to sell and split the proceeds. (Or, one of you could buy out the other.). If you are navigating a divorce, the terms of the divorce will decide what happens to the home.

For rented property, you’ll need to involve your landlord. They can make official changes to the lease so that you or your ex is no longer legally responsible for paying rent. If neither of you can afford the apartment on your own, you may need to sublet, re-let, or break the lease.

Regardless of whether you’re staying or going, you need to consider the financial impact. If your ex is leaving, you’ll lose their income. If you’re leaving, you’ll lose their income and need to come up with the cash to move.

Take Stock of Possessions & Debt

A moment ago, everything was shared. Now, it’s a definite case of yours and theirs. Regardless of marital status, anything owned before the relationship typically stays with you. If you’re not married, you and your ex should divvy up items acquired together, or choose to sell them and share the profits. Joint bank accounts should be split fairly and then closed. Further, if you incurred debt together, you should divide responsibility for the balances and close those accounts (preventing your ex from racking up more debt you’d be liable for). Typically, unless there is a dispute, legal intervention is not required.

If you’re getting divorced, your state laws will determine how assets and debts are divided (prenuptial agreements will have an impact as well). In most states, the court will distribute assets and liabilities fairly (not necessarily equally). In the nine community property states, everything obtained during the marriage is split 50-50. Be sure to understand the terms of your divorce or custody arrangement, if applicable, so that you can take advantage of everything that you’re entitled to.

Tip: Don’t forget to change the name on the utility accounts! You don’t want to be responsible for paying for electricity, heat, water, or internet after you move out.

Open Up Your Own Accounts

To move forward, you need to completely separate your finances from your ex. After closing your jointly held asset and debt accounts, open up any new ones that you need. Make sure that anything tied to money is in your name only.

Make (and Stick to) a Budget

You’re now in charge of running your own household and need to set a new budget to reflect that. Add up all of your expenses, including debt payments. Then, add up all of your income sources, factoring in alimony/child support, if applicable.

If your income falls short of your expenses, you need to make quick adjustments to your spending/find ways to increase cash flow. And, even though it’s tempting, try to avoid post-breakup retail therapy, which could cause you more grief and regret.

Tip: If you’re new to budgeting (or are a little rusty), try using a worksheet like this. There are also countless online tools and calculators like these that can help. Remember, Charlie can help you track your debt and spending so that you can stick to your newly created budget.

Update Legal Documents

Unless otherwise required by the terms of your divorce, now’s the time to take your ex out of your will and off of your list of beneficiaries. Be sure to update these documents and name new beneficiaries.

Understand Tax Implications

If you’re divorcing, consider speaking with an accountant to see how your tax liability will change. Generally, single people pay higher taxes. If your income tax withholding is set as “married,” you may want to adjust it by filling out a new w4 form with your employer(s).

Revisit Your Retirement Plan

Since you’re now flying solo, you should re-evaluate your retirement plans. Of course, a lot can change between now and your golden years, but you should ballpark how much money you’ll need if you’re just covering yourself. If you’re divorcing, retirement plan assets accumulated while married are subject to division as part of the proceedings. This monetary gain (or loss) will impact how much more you need to save. Finally, if you’re going to be financially strapped for awhile, consider if it makes sense to suspend contributions to your retirement plan until you’re back on your feet.

Keep Tabs on Your Credit

Your credit situation will change as you close some accounts and open others. Keep a close eye on your credit report to make sure all activity reported is accurate. If you haven’t already, remove your ex as an authorized user on any accounts that you’re keeping.

Tip: If you think your ex may purposefully use your cards, consider changing your credit card account numbers or freezing your credit.

Get Help

If you’re feeling lost and overwhelmed, ask for help. This is a difficult time and there are resources to make this transition easier. Your family and friends can offer support, encouragement, and distraction from the current drama. Community services can connect you with food, housing assistance, career development resources, and more if you’re feeling pinched. Finally, professionals can help with the legal, mental health, and financial planning aspects of this challenging chapter.

This article is for general guidance only. Since every situation is different and laws vary widely from state to state, you’re encouraged to seek the advice of a qualified professional before taking action.

Final Thoughts

Ending a relationship is one of the most difficult parts of the human experience. In a way, your world is ending. But, in a way, it’s just beginning, too. If you follow the tips in this article and lean on your support system, you’ll be well on your way to owning (and loving) your new single, empowered life.

This article was written by Laura Gariepy and originally published on www.hicharlie.com  

Four Things a Celebrity Can Teach Us About Love

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I know, you’re probably wondering…what in the world? A celebrity? What could any celebrity teach me about love? Celebrities are the most dysfunctional relationships ever seen. True–in most cases, however, there are some things that celebrities can teach us about love and relationships, so let’s take a look.

Thanksgiving: A Time for Family?!?!

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Yes, Thanksgiving is a time to be especially grateful.  In most traditional setting, Turkey Day in the US will include cooking, eating, and visiting with family.  There are many, many articles that will talk to you about having fun with family, and making that time together memorable.  But let’s be real about what those family gatherings really bring together.

Families love each other, and that’s a good thing.  But in the midst of the love, some families have endure dramas and traumas–many that are not discussed.  As such is the case, a family gathering, can be a place where emotions run high, and hurts are trying their best not to show their ugly faces as they “pass the dressing.”

Why am I writing about this?  Why not just write a happy article about celebrating Thanksgiving and being grateful?  Because we need to get real about families and family relations.

At The Relationship Firm, all relationships matter, and as such is the case, it wouldn’t be helpful to act as if people are not hurting and struggling through family dinner–especially during a holiday season.  So, here are a few issues, and what we can do with them.

Family Issue One: Criticism

This is the worst! It probably started when you were a child, and it hasn’t stopped yet.  What do you do with a family or family members who cannot stop with unsolicited feedback about your looks, your love (or lack of), and your life?  TELL THEM!  You are an adult now, so why not nicely, yet firmly (no pun intended) tell them that you don’t appreciate being spoken to in that manner, or being the subject of their conversations.  You do not just have to take that interaction, or that negative energy in.  Take authority.  Be nice, be calm, and shut them down.

Another resource on surviving family criticism…

Family Issue Two: Caught in the Middle

Are you in the middle of two or more family members?  Has the dispute gone on so long that you have no clue what they are upset about.  Maybe you are the peacemaker–if so, try to make peace.  But, if you’re ultimately just tired of being in the middle…BOW OUT!  Tell that faction and that faction that you are no longer available to them.  Again, just because you share DNA does not give people the right to use you as a safe haven.

Family Issue Three: The Lies

Okay, every family has a liar (or lie).  Period.  If you’re tired of the lie(s), then perhaps it’s time to share the truth.  Listen, this is not an encouragement for you to wreck Thanksgiving, but it is an invitation for your to show up as your authentic self this Thanksgiving, and to calmly and nicely deal with the situations that have plagued you for years.  Now, if the lies are painful, dinner may not be the time to bring them up…but it may be the time to start dealing with the issue.  Does that mean that you start seeing a professional therapist to help you navigate this situation?  Is it time to examine the truth…or confess or confront the lie with another family member that you can trust?  Lies are dangerous little energy suckers because you spend more energy hiding the lie, than dealing with it.  It’s time to deal with it…don’t you agree?

Another article about lies…

Family Issue Four: Betrayal and other “bad” stuff

Let me tell you something.  Once upon a time, one of closest cousins stole from me.  She took my credit card right out of my purse…and went and bought many, many, things.  I trusted this person, and they betrayed me.  I am telling you this because I want you to know that we have all been there.  And, if it is still weighing on you, then it’s time to address the matter.  Perhaps this is the year that you call that relative aside, AFTER THE MEAL, and bring the issue to their attention.   And here’s the twist: Tell them that you forgive them.  You’re not bringing them into a quiet corner of Granny’s house to make them feel badly.  This is not about revenge.  This is about a much needed release.  So, speak your truth, and forgive them…now we can all move forward!

While this is not the normal Thanksgiving article, I hope that it helped you all the same.  All relationships do matter, and before you pass another plate of peas, roll or other Thanksgiving entree, please decide that this is the year that you will be free of the influence and impact of these (and other) family issues on your life.  And by all means, be thankful for the opportunities to bring light to dark areas of your life.  That’s always something to be grateful for.

That, and yeast rolls!

Couple talking about marriage

6 Hard Questions to Ask Your Spouse if you Want your Marriage to Last

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Marriage is a commitment.  You know that.  You said, “I do” days, weeks, months, or years ago.  And now you live out what you promised…right?  Most people think that marriage is work, but many are not doing the right kind of work.

Really?

Really.

Most marriages work re-actively–reacting to conflict, reacting to situations, reacting to this and that.  But to be proactive is rare.  As such is the case, being proactive in marriage is something that may be worth addressing.  One way to be proactive in marriage is to ask questions; however, these are not questions that you just ask “whenever.” Nor, do you ask in the midst of a conflict, or argument. These are questions that you schedule time to ask and to discuss.  So here are 6  hard questions that you should ask your spouse (because assuming just makes things more difficult.)

Question One: Are we happy together?

Now this is a humdinger!  What if they say “no?”  What if they say “not for a while?”  O…what if they say “yes” (Whew!)  Whatever the response, it is best to know the answer, and not just assume that because you have “no problems” that you have no problems. (Get it?)

If this answer is not what you want to hear, consider it an opportunity to get better and do better.  Don’t get mad, don’t upset–get focused.   Marriage is a journey, sometimes people get tired, that doesn’t mean that you can’t regroup and start the journey again…got it?

Question Two: Are our vows still valid?

What?  We said to love, honor and cherish til death do we part…how could that not be valid.  Easy–you had no clue what you were promising at the time.  Besides, these are very vague terms, and so perhaps it’s time to sit down and drill down on the expectations of those vows, beyond the fanfare and the 7-tier cake.

Question Three: What can we do to be better for each other?

This is a question for the bravest of the brave.  And if you ask this question…you are the real MVP.  Seriously.  Most married people believe that they are doing the best that they can, and that is all that they can do.  But is it?  Probably not.  What if your spouse just needs you to listen to their recap of the day (or wait and hour for them to get settled before you start).  The “do” can be very little–but have so much impact on the status of our unions.

Question Four: Is our sex life (physical intimacy) satisfying?

Ummmm yes!  This is a question that you have to ask.  You may think that you have it going on–and maybe you do–but perhaps that’s not always what the situation called for.  When we talk to premarital and marital couples at The Relationship Firm, we address their sexual expectations.  (Actually we tell them to address them, and then report back with as little detail as possible…SMILE!)  People always tell married people that they have to keep the spice–or keep “it” fresh…but what does that mean in YOUR marriage.  And if your spouse tells you no…don’t get all emotional…ask why?  Then we can move forward.

Question Five: Is there anything that you miss about me? (You can also add “about us?”)

This is different way to ask the question “have I changed?”  Great question.  And a great way to open up a dialogue around emotional intimacy, spatial intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.  You may have no clue that your spouse REALLY liked when you made pancakes and you had breakfast together on Saturdays; but now you grab granola as you head to yoga.  They may miss how you jumped in the shower and washed their back.  Again, it could be little things.

More questions on intimacy and closeness (if you need them). 

Lastly, Question Six: Is there anything that you want me to know?

This is a blanket question.  But it has power.  Consider using it if you are not ready to ask the other five questions.

At the end of the day, it’s your marriage and you have to find out what works for you.  All the couples at The Relationship Firm know that we are just a GPS and they have to set their destination.  When people tell you what works in marriage, they only know what worked for them–not you.  Don’t be afraid to have a unique marriage.  Don’t be afraid to do things differently that ANYONE ELSE.  If it works and keeps you moving forward as a couple, then that’s all that matters.

Ready…set…ask…

4 Reasons I am Obsessed with Sheila and Nate

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Meet Sheila and Nate Duhon…The popular TV series, now airing on Lifetime, Married at First Sight brings people together to be married at…first sight.  When the two people–selected by a panel of relationship “experts”–meet, it is at the altar.  They say “I do,” and then begin the 8-month process of getting to know each other.  Sheila Downs and Nate are an African-American couple who were brought together by the experts.  Their relationship is an intriguing one….here’s why:

Admittedly, I am obsessed with this relationship.  As a relationship coach who works with countless premarital couples, the topic of conflict resolution is one that is discussed over and over.  Sheila and Nate intrigue me because they have no clue how to disagree with each other.

But…they are not alone.

As newlyweds–who do not know each other–they have not only the normal challenges of finding their marital rhythm, but also finding out about he person they have married.  When it comes to conflicts, these two have UGLY arguments, and it is their arguments that I am obsessed with.

 

Reason One:  They profess to love each other.  

It’s great to have love…but we have to keep the love when we disagree.  They don’t.  There have been a myriad of hyper-emotional outbursts, name calling, and statements that are hard to take back.  This is the case with many couples.  The love is real, and it’s true, but there is fear and baggage.  Fear and baggage is the weight that takes a disagreement into a full blown argument.  We don’t want to argue.  Because arguing isn’t healthy, and can be detrimental to our relationship.

Knock down drag out fights are evidence of greater internal issues…it just has to be said…and they need to be dealt with.

Sheila and Nate arguing on their honeymoon

Reason Two: She has already threatened divorce.

NO MA’AM!   They made it through this argument, but “divorce threats” are not easily forgotten.  However, when people are hurt and unable to deal or trust fully, they often threaten to leave.  We all have done this…myself included. #TrueStory

What is underneath this threat–sometimes–is the test to see if this person cares enough to fight for you or stay with you.  Still not a good reason to make the threat.  What is also underneath this threat is a desire to hurt your spouse because you have been hurt.  There is no greater threat to a marriage, THAN the threat of divorce.  Divorce means that I don’t want to share life, do life, or spent my life with you any longer.  That is painful…and if it’s not true, telling the person you are with, committed to and profess to love that you don’t want those things with them any longer is very damaging to any relationship.

So don’t do it…unless you mean it.  And if you mean it…it’s a conversation, not something you yell in the midst of a heated argument.

 

Reason Three: They are alone now.

Both the cameras and the experts are now gone.  This was a shock to me.  How could you leave people who have been married for months alone to deal with their issues, especially, one so major as the inability to handle conflict?  I have already come forth publicly to say that I will coach Sheila and Nate FOR FREE, if need be, because this is not something that they can fix on their own, and because I believe in their relationship.

 

While we do premarital coaching at The Relationship Firm, I am most proud of the couples who return for marital coaching.  The first year of marriage is challenging, and to do it alone (without an unbiased professional), is doable, but having help can make it so much easier.  With Sheila and Nate being on their own, I find myself being concerned about this relationship.  It has good bones, and limitless potential.  But, they have the type of fights that end marriages FAST!  And they need help with that…just like any other newlyweds.

Reason Four: Dear Newlyweds…It can work.

This relationship is not terminal…it is not toxic…it is healthy, I estimate, about 80% of the time, maybe more.  But the fights are toxic…terminal…and unhealthy 100% of the time.  That is the problem, and it isn’t even about them.

The way Sheila and Nate fight is alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll about their histories.  Relationships that went amuck, unmet expectations, past hurts, and the like.  These have to be dealt with so that Sheila and Nate can deal with each other in an authentic space.  Every couple includes two people who have had experiences prior to this relationship.

It has to be said (and this is only my opinion), that sometimes the more you love someone the more afraid you can become.  You are afraid to lose what you’ve found, and it makes you hyper-sensitive to the issues that come up.  You reflect on the past, and those similarities make you think that you’re about to lose again.  That’s okay.  You are entitled to your feelings and your needs.  We just have to create a strategy where you deal with these issues in a way that keeps this relationship moving in the direction you want.  Otherwise, the fears and baggage continue to weigh down the relationship, and as you struggle through resolving these hurtful exchanges, it gets harder and harder to stay connected and enjoy the great times that your love wants to afford you.

Bottom line for Sheila and Nate, and anyone else who just got married (even not at first sight), is that there is help, and there is no shame in asking for it.  As newlyweds, you have to learn to navigate your life together.  It is a bumpy, winding, twisting, and sometimes even invisible road, but it is worth it…love is always worth it, because love never fails! (A little Biblical reference for you guys! Smile!)

Sheila and Nate…call The Relationship Firm…we can help.  We promise! #ShamelessPlug #ButASeriousOne

Relationships to be grateful for? Be thankful

4 Relationships We Should be Thankful For

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Yes, this is the quintessential “Thanksgiving” post.  Nothing too deep, just something to ponder while we are recovering from tryptophan psychosis and cranberry overload.

First up…those we can count on.  Note, that I didn’t say those who love us, because sometimes they are not one in the same.  However, I recently sat in a session with a young man who felt he cannot depend on his fiancee, and that statement has impacted me–hence, this article.  Being someone who people can depend on being able to depend on others is a key to having relationships that are meaningful.  Trustworthiness is often a need of those in our lives, and to fulfill that need, creates a deeper connection between two people.  Sure, these same people may take the last buttered roll, and eat your favorite part of the turkey, but ultimately, you can count on them to be there when the chip are down…so let them eat that turkey leg in peace.

– Now includes a section regarding online dating.

Next…those who give without expectations.  I have people in my life who do this, and I am so thankful for their presence.  Usually, these are the older people in your life who provide wisdom, solace, and even a little “spare change,” if they feel so led.  For me, there is nothing that I can do for these people, but they find my presence to be enough.  This is rare, even in relationships with my peers, and I think this rarity is what makes it so very special.

Third…those who are no longer in our lives.  You knew I couldn’t keep up the meaningful, mushy facade for much longer, right?  While, yes, we do miss those who have passed on, that’s not who I’m referring to.  I’m referring to the people who have vacated the premises of your life through break-up or other forms of termination.  We should be thankful for each of these individuals because they cleared the way for others to come into our lives and be phenomenal with us.  Not everyone who left our lives was bad, but in most cases, we just were not good together, and that is why we’re grateful to them–and for the lessons, we thank you!

Lastly…those who know our story, and love us anyway.  Everyone has a story.  I sit in coaching sessions with couples who have collective and individual stories, and we talk about how the stories shift and intertwine.  Sometimes people know our story–where we’ve come from, if you will–and make every attempt to keep us there.  Others know our story, and love us despite what we’ve said, done, or experienced in our past.  This is another place of solace, and we all need that.

So, there you have it…four relationships we should be thankful for.  Oh yea! There’s one more…the relationship I have with you! (Yes, meaningful and mushy sentiments ride again!)

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

4 Reasons Your Marriage (Might) Fail… (Twosday@TRF)

Posted on by Coach Steph
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If you’ve been paying attention, it seems that everyone is getting married…EVERYONE.  And, while there are still hot debates on who should and should not be able to enjoy nuptial bliss, this article is not about that.

Marriage is a very important union between two people.  While it has been reduced to something you “just do,” and then use a swift divorce to get out of it, it’s so much more than that.  And, perhaps this article will help you see that.  Well, enough with the small talk…let’s get to some reasons…

Reason one: You have NO CLUE who you married.  Now, this is more than likely your fault, sorry, it just has to be said.  This seems to be the biggest cause of marriage failures, because people insist on bucking the order of things.  As any six could tell you, “first comes love, THEN comes marriage, THEN the baby carriage.” But that’s not how we do things now.  Most people have baby carriages and then marriage, but love (or even like) is no where in the equation.  We’re marrying people we don’t know because we “mightaswell.”  As such is the case, the due diligence necessary to learn about a person is never done.  And, then you walk down the aisle and start a future with someone who is NOT who you think (or want) them to be.

Reason two: You really just wanted a wedding.  Ah! Such a beautiful event.  The dress, the food, the attention, the gifts–all for you.  It’s easy to see how this happens, and unfortunately, some people loved the wedding, but hate the marriage.  While this may seem silly to some, there are people who just wanted the experience of getting married, and now their marriage is either failing or has failed.  Five words: Don’t…let…this…be…you!

Reason three: You’ve taken marriage advice from married people.  I say it often, “just because you are married, doesn’t mean that you know how to be.”  Some married people will give you flawed advice.  EVERYTHING from take revenge on your spouse to just leave your spouse.  Here’s the problem: it’s not their marriage!  The tenets of your marriage (which my clients explore in marital visioning and pre-marital coaching), are not the tenets of someone else’s marriage.  Stop believing that because someone has been married for “X” more years than you have, that they have the secret to your success.  Married people should seek unbiased support when encountering marital challenges, not the advice of those who could cause more harm than good.  Am I saying that all married people give flawed advice…not at all.  But, I am saying, that you should scrutinized the advice you receive, and if there’s not a stitch of encouragement or support in their statements to you…RUN!

Reason four: Communication has gone out the window.  Everyone knows that communication is required for any relationship to survive.  However, in a marriage, communication takes many different forms.  The communication that I am talking about, is the communication of needs and expectations.  During a marriage, people continue to evolve and to learn about themselves–this is good.  What is not good is when the other spouse is unaware.  Communicating needs and expectations is an ongoing process in a successful marriage, and when your spouse meets your needs and expectations, then celebrating them is in order.  In fact, communication and celebration go hand in hand in a marriage–don’t think otherwise.  Everyone needs a pat on the back (or lower, if that’s a need-smile).

In the end, these are just 4 of many reasons your marriage could fail, but it doesn’t have to.  We help marriages in crisis all the time with mediations and coaching, so reading this article could be a turning point in your marital relationship.  Remember, you avoid bad relationships (and marriages) when you get FIRM. www.TheRelationshipFirm.com

Are you Ashamed? (It’s Okay if you are…)

Posted on by Coach Steph
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You think about it all the time, and you wonder what has happened to the thing that used to bring you so much joy and happiness.  You’ve tried  to fix it, but it’s just not right.  You talk without resolution, and now you’re beginning to believe that you’re settling.  Your friends ask  how the two of you are doing, and you have no idea how to respond.  Do you tell them about your how unhappy you are, or do you continue to sing the praises of your privately dysfunctional relationship? Decisions, decisions.

Just admit it…you’re ashamed of your relationship.

It’s okay.

It happens in the best relationships.  Two people come together, and create a wonderful connection and begin to plan their future together.  It’s a healthy relationship.  Conflicts are resolved, and compromises are upheld.  This awesome pair soon hears the buzz of how perfect they are together and the inevitability of wedding bells.

It has worked…well…until now.

Now you’re confused.  And, while the relationship hasn’t changed drastically, you don’t feel the same way.  Perhaps some promises weren’t kept to your expectations, or some of your most recent discussions didn’t seem to merit the attention once given by your significant other.  In fact, you might even be wondering what you might have done wrong, or to this person to bring the relationship to this points.  Whatever happened…you’ve developed feelings of unhappiness…and again, it’s okay.

In order to push past this season of being ashamed, a few questions must first be answered:

One: Do you still want to be in a relationship with this person?  If so, then you may have to admit that the two of you need a little help.  I have to say that I find it odd that couples do not seek professional help when things are going awry. If you know that you are compatible (not just attracted to each other) and have hit a little rough spot, there is nothing wrong with calling in a coach, or counselor to help you…there’s NOTHING to be ashamed of. In one of my most recent mediations, it became clear that both parties were saying the same thing, but hearing each other differently. It is amazing just how often this happens.  Once I helped them hear each other, they were “fixed” and ready to get back to building a great relationship.  If you don’t want to be in a relationship with this person…then, stop reading, request information on my uniquely create breakup process, called D-Method, and let’s begin your relationship rehab, STAT!

Two: Have you been fair to this person? Have you been CLEARLY communicating your expectations and THEN holding your signif (significant other) to them?  Or, have you been expecting them to read your mind and act accordingly?  Sometimes we become complacent with our levels of communication, especially in a strong, long-standing relationship.  We believe that the other person can read our minds, and because of that, we become lax in our communications with them.  If you are guilty of this, there is only one thing to do…*pause for dramatic effect* …apologize.  Openly admit that this is what you’ve been doing, and how you think it’s been impacting the relationship.

Three: Is it time for a vacation?  Sometimes we all need to get away.  Away from work, life, the chatter of our friends and family members…just get away.  Stress impacts every relationship in your life, and if you two (or one of you) is not recharging his or her battery, it can become detrimental to the relationship.  Consider the case of a couple in my book, “The Business of Dating,” who were being impacted by his long hours and her desire to be flexible, but still a priority.  The stress and demands of his job were about to not only effect but terminate the relationship.  Don’t be a victim of poor work-life balance…pack your bags and get out of dodge!

As I said before, it’s okay if you’ve become ashamed of your relationship.  But, that doesn’t have to be the end of the love story.  Visit www.NoLoveLeftBehind.com and find a program that will help get you and your signif out of struggling and BACK into snuggling.  Trust me, it can be done.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Give ‘Em a Break!

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Hey folks,

Here’s another installment of making sure all of your relationships are tightened up. Remember these posts will not only give you insight on how to deal with a significant other, but deal with others who are significant (which will in turn help you with your significant other).

Review

So I’ll be brief in my review. Last month I simply made it a point not to be a doormat in dealing with the people in your world. The reason why I said that was when you do this you fall short of the standard necessary to be the best thing anyone’s ever seen. And you ultimately polarize yourself against the “Category #3’ers (see previous post).

Now for this month’s lesson…

What are the dangers of losing Category #3’ers? Let’s be real here. Not even your Category #3’ers are going to be perfect. Sometimes they are not going to meet your expectation levels. Well if it be your significant other, a good friend, or a mentor, you get upset at that. Then you get upset with yourself. Then you get angry at them. Then you just have a whole bunch of angry in your business. But, have you ever stopped to wonder why you were angry? What you were angry at? What was really going on with that person?

If you didn’t even ask these questions, you’re very angry. This is what happens…

Unmet Expectation Levels, Wounds, and More Trouble

Well, if you find yourself all around fussity because of something someone did or didn’t do, chances are you’ve been wounded. A wound is mindset that prevents you from reaching the fullness of what you are supposed to be. If you don’t want your rockstar to crash, it is best to undergo a greater discernment to find a greater understanding of what you are dealing with. That way you can figure out what’s the matter. Maybe you’re the issue. Maybe they are the issue. Maybe it’s circumstance. Either way, you know FORGIVENESS is a great way to go to release that pain. Because with unreleased pain then it becomes part of the mindset.

Think about it like this…let’s say you’re in a dating relationship with someone. You REALLY like them and most of what they do but they don’t call you as often as they like. Do you let that person go because they aren’t doing everything they you want them to, or do you love them beyond their shortcomings? Of course some things you aren’t supposed to put up with, especially if they are behavior patterns. However, if you leave them over something like that, that you could forgive them for, and love them through…what next? Those feelings aren’t a light switch are they? And even if you move on to the next person, how will you react when you see your ex in the store, or the mall, or on the street. You may be civil but somewhere in your gut you feel sick a bit don’t you?

You know that saying it’s “cheaper to keep her”? Well that’s true the most in this regard (whether it be a girlfriend OR a boyfriend). Just not worth the drama You’re not over the last person so you can’t show how awesome you are to that new person…next thing you know you got three miserable folks.

Don’t do it, don’t be a doormat, but don’t be a relationship tyrant either!

Until next time!