Ask Coach Steph: Was My Marriage a Mistake?

Posted on October 11, 2013April 12, 2017 by Coach Steph

Coach Steph,

Hi! I my name is (NAME WITHHELD) and I am afraid that I have a big problem. I got married six months ago to a man that I love, and who I thought loved me. But since the wedding, he has been different. He’s just not interested in me. We don’t talk and we don’t go out. He just comes home and sits in the house. I have asked what is wrong, and I get a “nothing.” I don’t know what to do, and now I am wondering if my marriage was a mistake. I am scared to ask him if he wants a divorce. It’s just been six months.

Help!

-A.K.

Dear A.K.,

I am sorry to hear about your problem. Recently, I hosted a mediation for a couple in a similar situation, and I am happy to say that now they are doing much better–and planning to stay together. In your situation, first of all, know that the problem may or may not be you. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the new role of husband, or perhaps something has happened financially that is making him distant from you, because he fears he cannot be the husband you want, or that he promised you he would be–men do not do well, when their role of provider is tampered with.

The truth of the matter is, that perhaps you should–CALM AND NICELY–ask him if he wants a divorce (if and only if that feels right). Asking can remove your fears and stop you from carrying that burden. Secondly, perhaps being asked such a direct question might coax him into revealing what is really going on with him. You have to be prepared that he might say yes; however, that is more than likely not the case.

Now…If the divorce question doesn’t feel right–don’t do it, an alternative is to tell him that you’re here and promise to be understanding, whenever he wants to talk…this might also pave the way for him to reveal the issue, if he was afraid of your reaction. You must keep the promise to be understanding, by the way, or you could cause more damage.

The early stages of a marriage can sometimes be the hardest. The two of you are merging lives, and trying to build a life together. This can be stressful, especially if you have been on your own for quite some time. Consider that this transition is also going on within each of you. As you move into the roles of husband and wife, understand that most people have no REAL clue what it means to be married. This is why we offer pre-and post-marital visioning programs, so that couples can set their expectations together, and then live up to them in peaceful co-existence, versus just being married, and having no clue what that means to you individually or collectively.

Check out Allison Vesterfelt’s six tips after six months of marriage…here.

In conclusion, you cannot go on living like this. I am sure that there is a fair amount of hurt in your heart at this time, and my prayer will be that you’re healed so you may go forward without pain–and the baggage that the pain brings. Again, I caution you to ask about divorce only if it feels right, and if not don’t. If you cannot get a meaningful answer from him, I recommend praying and then finding a coach or a counselor–if only for yourself. Whatever has changed him is substantial, and saving a marriage is no easy feat. But, continue to walk in love, and keep your household a place of peace, and keep smiling…very soon, this will pass–one way or another.

Keep me posted.

Celebrity Love Notes: Introducing Heather and Josh Altman

Posted on September 28, 2013April 11, 2017 by Coach Steph

Josh Altman and Heather Bilyeu (the soon to be Mrs. Josh Altman) are one of the newest power couples in LA! Both successful realtors, viewers see multi-million dollar real estate deals delivered each week by Josh and Heather on Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles (#MDLLA). They have done a great job keeping business and “pleasure” separate, as Josh works for one agency and she with The Agency, owned by the amazingly attractive and successful husband, of Kyle Richards (of Real Housewives Beverly Hills fame)–Mauricio Umansky (www.TheAgencyRE.com).

However, recently, Josh and his brother decided to open a new real estate venture, appropriately named “The Altman Brothers,” and much to Heather’s chagrin, Josh decided that for the sake of their relationship, she will not be involved.

Of course, she was disappointed…make that a little shy of furious.

Despite the 82% (I read somewhere) that agree with Heather, I am going on record that I agree ONE MILLION PERCENT with Josh!

It takes a very special couple to work and to “play” together. In a business like real estate, which is competitive (and can be cutthroat), working together could pose some challenges. The challenges at work, then become the challenges at home, and it’s down hill from there. Consider the challenges that Heather endured with Madison, if those same issues emerged between Heather and another agent at The Altman Brothers, businessman Josh, then morphs into super-protective fiancé or new husband Josh Altman, and we have a problem…a big one. I personally, hate to see Josh when he’s not calm, cool and collected, and I can only imagine how wrong that can go in real life.

Hopefully, Heather has seen the light (since this was taped many moons ago), and recognizes that being separate in their professional endeavors will allow them to have professional happenings to share during their quality times at home, but will also keep them from having their personal lives overrun by real estate. As a couple, it is imperative that this time is used to get to know each other –even better than they do now. This is the time for deep discussions about our future and our children, NOT to be distracted by some deal that went South the day before, nor to explore the quickest way to entice a buyer for a $20.2 million compound in the Hollywood Hills.

What anyone can learn from this situation, is that if you have a significant other who is actively taking responsibility for the success of the relationship, then that is a good thing…this is what Josh did. I give Josh kudos for standing up for his relationship and saying that working together may create situations that may impact our ability to stay together. I give Heather kudos for being upset at first, but accepting the reality and–even if she doesn’t mean it–showing solidarity with Altman’s decision. Ultimately, this is what marriage is about–being teammates. As such is the case, “Team Altman-Bilyeu” is on the right track.

Congrats!

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Update: Josh and Heather wed in 2016 after a three-year engagement. Congrats!

4 Reasons Your Marriage (Might) Fail… (Twosday@TRF)

Posted on September 24, 2013June 23, 2017 by Coach Steph

If you’ve been paying attention, it seems that everyone is getting married…EVERYONE. And, while there are still hot debates on who should and should not be able to enjoy nuptial bliss, this article is not about that.

Marriage is a very important union between two people. While it has been reduced to something you “just do,” and then use a swift divorce to get out of it, it’s so much more than that. And, perhaps this article will help you see that. Well, enough with the small talk…let’s get to some reasons…

Reason one: You have NO CLUE who you married. Now, this is more than likely your fault, sorry, it just has to be said. This seems to be the biggest cause of marriage failures, because people insist on bucking the order of things. As any six could tell you, “first comes love, THEN comes marriage, THEN the baby carriage.” But that’s not how we do things now. Most people have baby carriages and then marriage, but love (or even like) is no where in the equation. We’re marrying people we don’t know because we “mightaswell.” As such is the case, the due diligence necessary to learn about a person is never done. And, then you walk down the aisle and start a future with someone who is NOT who you think (or want) them to be.

Reason two: You really just wanted a wedding. Ah! Such a beautiful event. The dress, the food, the attention, the gifts–all for you. It’s easy to see how this happens, and unfortunately, some people loved the wedding, but hate the marriage. While this may seem silly to some, there are people who just wanted the experience of getting married, and now their marriage is either failing or has failed. Five words: Don’t…let…this…be…you!

Reason three: You’ve taken marriage advice from married people. I say it often, “just because you are married, doesn’t mean that you know how to be.” Some married people will give you flawed advice. EVERYTHING from take revenge on your spouse to just leave your spouse. Here’s the problem: it’s not their marriage! The tenets of your marriage (which my clients explore in marital visioning and pre-marital coaching), are not the tenets of someone else’s marriage. Stop believing that because someone has been married for “X” more years than you have, that they have the secret to your success. Married people should seek unbiased support when encountering marital challenges, not the advice of those who could cause more harm than good. Am I saying that all married people give flawed advice…not at all. But, I am saying, that you should scrutinized the advice you receive, and if there’s not a stitch of encouragement or support in their statements to you…RUN!

Reason four: Communication has gone out the window. Everyone knows that communication is required for any relationship to survive. However, in a marriage, communication takes many different forms. The communication that I am talking about, is the communication of needs and expectations. During a marriage, people continue to evolve and to learn about themselves–this is good. What is not good is when the other spouse is unaware. Communicating needs and expectations is an ongoing process in a successful marriage, and when your spouse meets your needs and expectations, then celebrating them is in order. In fact, communication and celebration go hand in hand in a marriage–don’t think otherwise. Everyone needs a pat on the back (or lower, if that’s a need-smile).

In the end, these are just 4 of many reasons your marriage could fail, but it doesn’t have to. We help marriages in crisis all the time with mediations and coaching, so reading this article could be a turning point in your marital relationship. Remember, you avoid bad relationships (and marriages) when you get FIRM. www.TheRelationshipFirm.com

He’s (or She’s) Not Relationship Material

Posted on September 24, 2013April 4, 2017 by Coach Steph

He’s sweet, kind and even super nice when the opportunity presents itself. You find yourself wondering if he could be the guy that you’ve been hoping for, despite the fact that he’s never made an advance nor seemed all that interested. Nice, but not really “interested.”

But he could be the one…right? Or, at least the one for right now, yes?

Well…Sadly, no.

Take the fact that he’s never made an advance to heart. It’s not that he’s not interested, it’s that he is not, I repeat, not relationship material. This is not a cliché, this is a reality.

So, what does it mean, he’s not “relationship material?” Great question. Not being relationship material means that this person is not ready nor willing to invest the effort necessary to initiate or to maintain a mutually beneficial romantic relationship. Yes, this does apply to people in friendships, but people are more apt to put more effort into making someone romantic relationship material–so that’s the angle I am coming from.

Now, most people believe that this is a fact that can be changed. Many people believe that if they make enough of the effort for the person, that they will eventually pick up the slack because all they need is someone to care for them.

Again, no.

This person has made a decision to avoid relationships. This is why he, or she, is nice but not pursuing you. Don’t delude yourself into believing that you can change their mind. For whatever reason, they are deeply committed to themselves, and that’s their priority. If you choose to make the effort to change their mind, you are only setting yourself up to be disappointed, aggravated and often frustrated with the fruits of your labor.

Consider the possibility that perhaps they’ve recently been hurt–deeply hurt–by someone who they trusted. This hurt created such pain within them that they decided that they needed to take a break…to heal. Or, perhaps they just realized that all their relationships are ending badly. They’ve decided to get to the bottom of this cycle, and to do so means stepping away from starting a new romance–at least for now.

Now, you are in their life, hoping and wondering that this may become “something.” Honestly, it might…but not right now.

The best thing that you can do is to respect this person’s decision to take time to heal. That is the best thing you can do.

Not try to convince them how awesome you are.
Not attempt to care and love them into being obligated to start a relationship with you.
Not lecture them about what they’re missing out on (this means you) because they are guarded or cautious.

Just respect the decision, and be the friend, confidant or best buddy that they need now…if you can handle that. If you can’t, then care about them from a distant. There is another option: you can wait them out. But, seriously, do you have that kind of time?

Really?

You will avoid many, many moments of sheer confusion if you accept the fact that he, or she, is just not relationship material. If you choose to do anything else but accept it, then let me know how that works out for you. I am willing to be wrong–but I don’t think that I am.

Bottom line: Accept it…it’s ok.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

♥ Avoid bad relationships when you get FIRM. www.TheRelationshipFirm.com

Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told Evelyn Lozada About Chad Ochocinco

Posted on September 17, 2013April 3, 2017 by Coach Steph

With the new season of Basketball Wives, we are now forced to relive the saga that is the short-lived marriage of Evelyn Lozada and Chad Ochocinco.

First things first…this relationship started off with a major handicap. When you sleep someone on the first date (or very early in the dating process), you lose the ability to learn more about the person. Now you’re just looking for more sex–especially if the sex is good.

Secondly, Evelyn ignored some key signs that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband. In my honest professional opinion, Chad is a nice guy, and while I believe there is more to the “headbutt” story, the truth is that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband. Now, post-incident, she spends much of her on-camera time with therapists and getting her life “fixed” (you know what I mean). However, I humbly ask the question of why wasn’t this time spent pre-nuptials with the both of them working to put this relationship on a viable path-if one existed? Evelyn is a beautiful woman, however, wisdom is what is most needed when choosing a mate. Take heed.

If Evelyn was my client, I would tell her that choosing a boyfriend and then deciding if that boyfriend can be a husband is a process. And, in order to make that process work well, physical intimacy has to be left put of the equation, and the emphasis should be placed on getting to know each other and assessing how this person’s past has affected them. There has to be a certain amount of diligence when learning about someone, and again, when sex is one facet of the relationship, learning about the other facets becomes a real challenge.

When someone you are interested in shares tales of tragic childhoods, deadbeat fathers, dead end relationships, and the like, you don’t have to disqualify them, but your antennae should go up and your new mission is to learn how these past occurrences affect them today. Do they hate women because of something their mother did? Or is their definition of manhood based on the teachings of a “rolling stone” father? This is important! It’s even more important than how great they are in the sack, or how successful they are. These are the hard questions that no one wants to ask. But if you’re considering this person for the rest of your life, then that is nothing to take lightly.

What anyone can learn from this situation: Just as I “told” Kris Humphries, there were signs before you walked down the aisle that this union may not have been for you, or may not have been ready to become the relationship that you want it to be.

Marriage is serious business. We’re talking about two people, becoming one, and making a covenant with Divine power. People have minimized it to a pre-nuptial agreement and something that a divorce can get you out of, but don’t be confused by the trite behavior displayed by popular culture. And, don’t get trapped or caught in a situation that could’ve been avoided with diligent investigation and dedicated time spent communicating INSTEAD of consummating.

Now, if they decide to reconcile, there are major issues that should be dealt with…but I will address that in another article.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Disclaimer: Just so it’s clearly stated, Coach Steph has not nor is currently working with Evelyn Lozada or Chad Ochocinco. This article is simply a professional perspective on how the elements of this relationship can affect others, as well as what others can learn from this incident.

New From @godsbutterflykw: Relationship VIP

Posted on October 26, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Twitter is all a buzz. Entertainment news shows are reporting. Magazine after magazine is covered with the same headline. Who cheated on whom? Who’s dating whom? Breakup shocker! Are Rihanna and Chris Brown really back together? Jaws dropped at the news of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman’s split up. And every week we rush to the nearest information source for the latest on Rob Pattison and Kristen Stewart. Why are we so obsessed with the love lives of these people we don’t know? We learn about their lives in sound bites and the scroll of the ticker tape. Surely there is something or another relationship perhaps, we can be concerned with.

It’s been suggested that we get so caught up in the entertainment love news as an escape from our own ‘stuff’. I wonder how much we’d really care if we were busy taking care of ourselves. Oh, I don’t know turning the tube off and spending that time learning more about ourselves; rather than dissecting who and why of which celeb should be with whom. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy star gazing as much as the next person. What if we took the time to love ourselves as much as we spend the time worrying about their love lives maybe we wouldn’t have time to do so? Make sense?

That got me to thinking. What do we, can we do to work on the most important relationship we have – our relationship with our selves. I am the VIP of my life after all! Aren’t you? ABSOLUTELY! No? Let’s look at some ways to o ascend in our personal VIP (PVIP) status.

Window Cleaner. The first step to reaching optimal PVIP status is to get clear about who you ARE and who you are not. One of my favorite lines from the movie, The Color Purple, is “…Harpo who dis woman?” While the question was being asked of a male, the point is to get in your own face and really look at the person staring back at you. There was a time when I didn’t/couldn’t see myself. I couldn’t see all the wonderful things others were saying about me. The time came to sit with who I thought I was and who I thought I was not. Where did those ideals come from? Were the inherited or self-imposed. Once I got clear about the woman in the mirror (feel free to jam your Michael Jackson in the background), I could move on to the next step.
Permission Granted. Give yourself permission to choose you. Put yourself back at the top of your (never-ending) to-do list. That’s not selfish. It’s necessary. This will be new for some and a reminder to others. You’ve heard the parallel of the in air safety review, that instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first. It truly is just that basic. You can’t be your best in any relationship capacity (personal, romantic or professional), if your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual oxygen level is low. It’s like running a computer that needs more bandwidth – it just doesn’t function at its best. So, how do you add more energetic bandwidth to your life? Think things that will simultaneously a) benefit you directly, b) give you peace within and c) cultivate your body, mind, and spirit. Do things that say I LOVE YOU – to you! Think of it as courting yourself.
Un-Cuffed. All too often we are bound by I should, I have to, and Yeah but. Saying no to what we feel obligated to or pressured by is not a bad thing. No is actually a beautiful word. It only has two letters and rolls smoothly over the tongue. The thing is sometimes we get so used to saying no, we look up years later and realize somewhere along the way we started saying no to ourselves; in addition to saying those things that feel heavy and don’t feed our spirit. You probably won’t come out of the gate shaking your Yay Me! pom poms. It’s a journey. And you may have to remind yourself. That is perfectly okay. Feel free to repeat as needed.
Add Three Cups of Joy and Stir. What makes you happy? What brings you child-like giggle joy? When is the last time you did something that added joy to your life? If it helps, think back to what you enjoyed as a child. I remember coloring, gold fish and playing in the water. I still love being in water to this day. Every chance I get, I play in the water. Recently I went to the local pet store to learn about fish. I’ll be adding a small fish tank to my office (a tad different from the single gold fish I had as a kid). Every now and then I still color. Yes, in a coloring book! Don’t judge me –lol. Seriously, what things make you smile from the inside out? It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Keep it simple. Don’t overthink it.

Becoming your PVIP is a learned way of life, not taught to everyone. Some of us need a refresher course. Wherever you are on your PVIP journey, you are not alone. There are others on the same journey and luckily for you, you have me (smile) to help you on the way!

Have questions or just want to share part of your journey? I’m an email away at chiefheartwranglerr@whatthelove.org.

Remember, if you don’t define you, someone else will. And that’s too important a job to leave to just anyone.

X’s and O’s

I am “Keeping it Real With NeNe!”

Posted on November 20, 2011October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

This last Celebrity Love Note is dedicated to NeNe Leakes. The loud mouth “Housewife” whom Bravo saw fit to make famous continues to do her level best to make my good black woman stock plummet. In the midst of it all, she is now going through a divorce, and so this love note is written in hopes that other newly divorced individuals do not make the mistakes that I believe she is on the verge of making, among others.

My take:
NeNe’s marriage was allegedly destroyed by fame. Now, that doesn’t mean that her husband was perfect. I actually believe that he is a clear demonstration of her father issues, and the need for control, but I digress. This marriage may have stood a chance if the Real Housewives franchise hadn’t come a’calling, but it’s not the show, it’s the fame that NeNe has received courtesy of the show that is the start of the problems, in my opinion.

But fast-forward to the present. NeNe and Greg are separated and my assumption is that divorce proceedings are going to be taking place. Note: Taking place. They are not divorced…yet. While some would tell her things such as, “the best way to get over one man is to get undera new one,” this is farthest from the truth. In fact, this isn’t the time to get over anything, it’s time for you to figure out your role in the breakup of this marriage (how many times have I said this this week). And furthermore, this is not the time to date…anyone…for any amount of time. Sorry, sweetie, but you are still married.

Now, I understand that you have dysfunction all around you. Cynthia’s farce of a marriage is enough to make anyone think that if you do better than that, then you’ve done okay; however, don’t be fooled. We all saw your tirade regarding the treatment that you’ve received in this marriage. But, NeNe, I doubt severely that you know how to be a wife. If you treated your husband even remotely as badly as you have treated some of your co-stars, and fellow Apprentices, I can say with all conviction that being married to you was no walk in the park (more like a walk over burning coals). Besides the stripper-esque sexual prowess that you’ve bragged about, what else did you bring to the table besides a child and a need to get out of Athens, Georgia? As such is the case, perhaps this marriage was doomed from the start–TV just expedited the inevitable.

If she were my client:
I’d need a Valium. Ok, let’s be fair. If NeNe Leakes came to me for relationship coaching. I would take away her ego, and put a muzzle on her. Not literally. However, NeNe has to learn how to communicate like an adult woman, or she doesn’t have to worry about relationships–platonic or romantic. I believe that she wants people to prove that they love her by walking through fire, and not getting burned. That’s quite a fete, even for a Cirque du Soleil cast member, but I truly believe that is what she desires. For those without fire-walker capabilities, there’s NeNe’s Worship Club. These individuals exist to answer her beck and call and maintain her ego. The President of the Worship Club? You guessed it, Cynthia Bailey. We’ll see how that relationship works out in the coming weeks. Hmmmmm…

Now, the fire-walking mandate is just plain ridiculous. No one can live up to those standards. No one has lived up to those standards.

Until we (she and I) can push through these unrealistic relationship expectations, NeNe shouldn’t even think about dating. She should keep her focus on acting dignified through the divorce, and being the parent that her children need. Not being “rich;” not buying $9 million homes in Miami; not appeasing her fans with over-the-top theatrics, and not criticizing everyone in Atlanta, but crying “haters” every five minutes.

I need her to do better.

What we can all learn from this:
Separation is not divorced. Getting divorced is not divorced. Let’s be clear.

What else we can learn? Our mouths can kill every relationship that we have. There is no way that anyone can convince me that NeNe hasn’t unleashed hers on her soon to be ex-husband. But beyond that, we should all learn that we should pay very close attention to the behaviors of the people in our lives, before we become involved with them.

Men: If the woman you’re involved with has no problem telling people off, guess what, you are not immune to receiving the same treatment (please share this with Lamar Odom about his beloved Khloe). If that’s not an attractive proposition, then don’t get involved. If you want to test the theory, then let the first time she emasculates you with profane or insulting words be the last time. This is not something that gets better.

Women: Being the girl who will tell everyone off is amusing, but it’s not attractive. A real man will not be attracted to your ability to cuss everyone out at the drop of a dime. I realize that you are a strong woman and want to let people know that you don’t put up with anything, but consider working on how you deliver such messages, and only “go there” when the situation truly calls for it. If you are around people who always seem to push you to that point, then get some new people in your life, and leave this dysfunction behind.

In the end, we have to respect each other–words and all. Otherwise, we are all doomed to walk the path that NeNe is walking right now. And even in the cutest Louboutins, its not a journey that anyone wants to take.

Plonk!

Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told Kris Humphries…

Posted on November 14, 2011December 17, 2012 by Coach Steph

This is the first of five in my “Celebrity Love Note” in the series. I hope that you take my assessment of these high-profile situations and realize that it’s not just star-studded love that is in need of a makeover…we can all do better.

My Take:
Kris, you missed some clues that this wasn’t the union for you. While we overlook many things in the name of love, some things we shouldn’t turn a blind eye to. From the footage that I’ve seen and just a cursory understanding of who Kim is, it’s clear that she isn’t ready for a long-term relationship, let alone a marriage. One key indicator of this was her past relationships, including a marriage that you knew nothing about. My thought is that this isn’t the only thing that shocked you or made you question this relationship, but since the wheels were in motion, you just kept moving forward.

I truly believe that you thought this girl was the one for you, and for that, my heart goes out to you. However, there were too many factors present that had the potential to doom this relationship. From family debates about the validity of this marriage; to unanswered questions about your fiancée; and just way too many cameras chronicling it all. I never saw that Kim was your best friend, and I never saw that this was a union built on a solid foundation, and while it’s easy for me to say these things now, I am sure that in hindsight, you are now probably saying the same things, and more.

When a relationship ends, both people are at fault, so it’s not all about what Kim did or didn’t do. I fault you for not heeding the signs that said this relationship wasn’t viable—at least not in its current state—and for not being wiser in this situation, and doing what was best for you.

If he was my client:
Ok guys, I didn’t actually tell Kris Humphries these things, but I would. Keep reading. If Kris Humphries was my client, we’d have to develop a plan to help him realize the criteria for a healthy relationship. In the midst of this, I wouldn’t let him date for at least the next 6-9 months, because he has to heal from this loss. As I have told you, breakups are like deaths. We have loss someone that we love, and we have to take time to mourn that loss. Additionally, I would like him to set criteria going forward for a life partner.

What we can all learn from this:
First of all, marriage is a serious commitment. I say that it is a magnifier of what is right and wrong in a relationship. It won’t change someone’s behavior for the better and it won’t make the relationship stronger. It will take everything in your relationship and make it more noticeable and more pronounced. If you are ok with having the good and bad in your relationship—just like it is today—multiplied, then perhaps marrying this person is for you.

Now, we don’t know Kris or Kim (if you know Kris Humphries, bring him to me ASAP), but this relationship played out in front of millions on TV—to its detriment. Despite that, the parts that matter were magnified long before they say I do (or perhaps Kim only said she might for the next 72 days). Kris was unaware of key events in Kim’s past, like, err, a previous marriage, and this means something substantial. Regardless of the situations surrounding her first marriage, it should’ve been discussed with Kris privately prior to the family outing, and prior to the revelation of this occurrence being caught on camera for all of the world to see.

The cameras just made things worse. Not only is this debacle immortalized on film, but it makes us witnesses of moments that no one should have seen. Kim wants to blame the cameras for the reason she went through with this, but I think that Kim has some deep issues that must be dealt with before she can be anyone’s soulmate.

My goal as Kris’ relationship coach would be to make sure that he doesn’t become someone who is bitter and closed to the possibility of true love. Additionally, I want him to value himself and not jump into a relationship that doesn’t satisfy him and think, once again, that she is marriage material.

Back to what we can learn…

We can learn that it takes more than a great dress and a million dollar ring to create a lasting marriage. However, what we can also learn is that we have to do our homework on the people that we allow into our lives, and we have to do even more homework when we’re considering marriage.

The best question you can answer before you stroll down the aisle is, “what is the vision for our marriage?” Translation: How do you both see this working? How do we deal with situations? What are your expectations of me as a wife/husband?

We must stop settling for someone—or overlooking major issues in our compatibility quotient—just because they say yes to a proposal, or simply because they proposed. Consider marriage like a business merger, and the cardinal rule of mergers (per Coach Steph) is that we don’t join forces with any company who doesn’t make us stronger, better or richer (leave off the richer when dealing with people).

If you are going to share a life with someone, then they should meet (and exceed) your criteria for a relationship partner. That’s not rocket science…but many people are still failing at recognizing this basic fact.

The story of Kris and Kim should show you exactly what happens when we ignore the signs, and accept someone on the grounds of love alone…both of them should’ve communicated better, and we might’ve been able to avoid all of this. Instead they both seem to have settled, and now hundreds of thousands and a million-dollar ring later, they’re reflecting on the past instead of experiencing an amazing future together.

Last time I checked, forever is longer than 72 days…right?

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