Microblog*: When all fails…PRAY!

Posted on June 12, 2013August 10, 2013 by Coach Steph

Before you think I am doing my holy thing again…consider the following: You have been patient, kind, understanding, and the situation is no better than it was before you started such a campaign…right? Exactly. So, what do you have to lose by believing that just maybe there is a power greater than lil’ ol’ you who can make some change come about? Nothing. At the end of the day, all you have sacrificed is a still moment and one whispered request. And for those of you who don’t believe, you don’t have to sacrifice a thing. Voila! #CoachStephHasSpoken

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Celebrity Love Notes: FUSTERCLUCK! Three Couples that should NEVER be your Role Models

Posted on June 11, 2013October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

Update: This list will continue in a another installment. 😉

It’s no secret, television impacts our relationships. When shows like “Donna Reed”, and “Father Knows Best” blessed the airwaves, people wanted strong marriages, nice houses and picket fences. Even though we now know of the “Brady Bunch’s” off-screen antics, their saccharin-sweet show was a pioneer in showing people that a blended family could work. Then came the iconic “Cosby Show” a family that many Americans at that time could identify with–and most wanted to be like.

AND THEN IT ALL WENT DOWN HILL!

Unfortunately, there are new shows every season, and some of my favorites, display some of the most dysfunctional relationships ever. So, let me make it clear what doesn’t work by showing you at least three (although there are soooooooo many more) that should never be your relationship role models.

Up first…Carrie Bradshaw and “Mr. Big;” To this day, I watch Sex and the City and wonder why we thought this was a good idea. As the show progressed, we saw the pure dysfunction of this relationship, but since it ultimately ended in marriage, now many single women believe that if I just give it some time (even a decade), it will work out.

Why they cannot be your role models: Carrie and Big were never honest about their feelings. When situations arose, they were not dealt with in a mature manner. If you remember, the first wedding ceremony was cancelled because of how Big was feeling. This is not adult behavior. While smoothed over by placing the blame on a statement by Miranda and Carrie’s selfish Vogue article, know that in real life, this relationship is probably not viable long-term. No one has the time to constantly decipher what is going on with their mate. And, if you do…it might be time to call me.

Next…Meredith and Derrick: Grey’s Anatomy has kept us intrigued for quite some with these two and their shenanigans. Again, another dysfunctional relationship culminating with “I do.” Another example of a relationship that doesn’t work unless someone is yelling cut and there’s a team of writers in a back room.

Why they cannot be your role models: This relationship was built on sex. These people didn’t know a thing about each other. But, the sex endeared them to each other. If Meredith hadn’t slept with Derrick, (and these were real people), when she found out he was married, it probably would’ve been the end of the relationship.

Sex changes things, and usually it starts with your vision.

When you can see a relationship clearly, it cannot take over your life, and you stand a better chance of avoiding the “fustercluck” of it all.

I will save Scandal for another time–because some things go with saying…even if he is the President of the United States.

Lastly (for this part)…Tamara and Eddie: The way that reality TV has taken over our ability to think straight is horrific. But, to be fair, I have to give a bit of attention to one of the most dysfunctional relationships on our small screens. And, they too, are now married.

Why they cannot be your role models: Sadly, the foundation of this relationship doesn’t seem solid. Unlike the previous couples, these are real people, and from the beginning, there was utter confusion. Tamara chose to be with Eddie, instead of mourning the end of her marriage to Simon. Eddie never exposed his machismo side…until recently. Now, the reality (no pun intended) is setting in, and I am afraid that this marriage doesn’t have the strong foundation it needs to survive.

Ultimately, we should do our best to leave the sex out of our relationships until we know the person THOROUGHLY with their clothes on….or until he puts a ring on it (and not just an engagement ring). But, most people don’t want to hear or do that, so many are doomed to deal with real issues after the I do…and they might start to think that they don’t. Not only does the sex impact the relationship, but the inability to communicate difficulties or challenges is a red flag for your relationship’s future. Communication can make and break any relationship–and has. So, don’t be a victim. When someone shows you who they are, believe them (Maya Angelou).

But that’s all for now…back to your relationships…Coach Steph Has Spoken!

Microblog*: All You Can do is WAIT!?

Posted on May 27, 2013August 10, 2013 by Coach Steph

These are the insightful, yet anti-climatic words I shared with a client today. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. We want answers to questions, and responses to emails, and replies to texts, right? While it doesn’t seem like much to ask, sometimes it is and we will be forced into a position of waiting. We cannot make them answer, and that’s probably for the best. In the end, the response that you deserve may come, or it may not. However, learning patience is an invaluable lesson, and one that many of us need to learn (or need a refresher course). #CSHS

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Are you Ashamed? (It’s Okay if you are…)

Posted on May 21, 2013August 10, 2013 by Coach Steph

You think about it all the time, and you wonder what has happened to the thing that used to bring you so much joy and happiness. You’ve tried to fix it, but it’s just not right. You talk without resolution, and now you’re beginning to believe that you’re settling. Your friends ask how the two of you are doing, and you have no idea how to respond. Do you tell them about your how unhappy you are, or do you continue to sing the praises of your privately dysfunctional relationship? Decisions, decisions.

Just admit it…you’re ashamed of your relationship.

It’s okay.

It happens in the best relationships. Two people come together, and create a wonderful connection and begin to plan their future together. It’s a healthy relationship. Conflicts are resolved, and compromises are upheld. This awesome pair soon hears the buzz of how perfect they are together and the inevitability of wedding bells.

It has worked…well…until now.

Now you’re confused. And, while the relationship hasn’t changed drastically, you don’t feel the same way. Perhaps some promises weren’t kept to your expectations, or some of your most recent discussions didn’t seem to merit the attention once given by your significant other. In fact, you might even be wondering what you might have done wrong, or to this person to bring the relationship to this points. Whatever happened…you’ve developed feelings of unhappiness…and again, it’s okay.

In order to push past this season of being ashamed, a few questions must first be answered:

One: Do you still want to be in a relationship with this person? If so, then you may have to admit that the two of you need a little help. I have to say that I find it odd that couples do not seek professional help when things are going awry. If you know that you are compatible (not just attracted to each other) and have hit a little rough spot, there is nothing wrong with calling in a coach, or counselor to help you…there’s NOTHING to be ashamed of. In one of my most recent mediations, it became clear that both parties were saying the same thing, but hearing each other differently. It is amazing just how often this happens. Once I helped them hear each other, they were “fixed” and ready to get back to building a great relationship. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with this person…then, stop reading, request information on my uniquely create breakup process, called D-Method, and let’s begin your relationship rehab, STAT!

Two: Have you been fair to this person? Have you been CLEARLY communicating your expectations and THEN holding your signif (significant other) to them? Or, have you been expecting them to read your mind and act accordingly? Sometimes we become complacent with our levels of communication, especially in a strong, long-standing relationship. We believe that the other person can read our minds, and because of that, we become lax in our communications with them. If you are guilty of this, there is only one thing to do…*pause for dramatic effect* …apologize. Openly admit that this is what you’ve been doing, and how you think it’s been impacting the relationship.

Three: Is it time for a vacation? Sometimes we all need to get away. Away from work, life, the chatter of our friends and family members…just get away. Stress impacts every relationship in your life, and if you two (or one of you) is not recharging his or her battery, it can become detrimental to the relationship. Consider the case of a couple in my book, “The Business of Dating,” who were being impacted by his long hours and her desire to be flexible, but still a priority. The stress and demands of his job were about to not only effect but terminate the relationship. Don’t be a victim of poor work-life balance…pack your bags and get out of dodge!

As I said before, it’s okay if you’ve become ashamed of your relationship. But, that doesn’t have to be the end of the love story. Visit www.NoLoveLeftBehind.com and find a program that will help get you and your signif out of struggling and BACK into snuggling. Trust me, it can be done.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Are The Kardashians Ruining Your Love Life?!

Posted on May 15, 2013August 10, 2013 by Coach Steph

They seem to be everywhere! The misguided (or unguided, depending on your perspective) brood of the late power-lawyer Robert Kardashian are perhaps stalking you. But, what you didn’t know is that Robert, Khloe, Kim, Kourtney, and Kris might be ruining your love life.

Hopefully, you only see these individuals as a source of entertainment; however, if you ever remotely thought about taking them seriously, then here are a few reasons why these “reality stars” could be not only taking up precious real estate on your DVR, but also ruining your love life.

Robert, Jr.:
First of all, Robert is not a bad guy, but I recommend that you set your dating sights beyond a cute face, and a questionable wallet. Rob, like many men is getting his life together (I hope), and while it may be tempting to be a passenger on his train, since of course, all he needs is encouragement from the right woman *sarcasm*, don’t do it. And while you might not be pining over our fair Rob, this goes for other men in his situation. Let a man be a man, and if he’s not being A man, then consider the possibility that he cannot be YOUR man…at least not right now. It’s important that a man be able to stand on his on own two feet–otherwise you might have to carry him.

Khloe:
Where do I start? A ten-day courtship and now it’s shocking that this marriage has challenges. Love at first sight is a myth (unless you have just given birth). When people want to have a life together, it requires time. Time allows you to see beyond the newness of your shiny relationship, and into the reality (no pun) of what this person brings to your table. I don’t doubt that Lamar is a nice guy, but with an interesting dating track record (and I will just leave it at that), Khloe should’ve given this relationship time to grow and mature before saying I do. So what am I saying? Take your time. Rushing to the altar almost guarantees that the honeymoon, and then the marriage, will be over sooner than you think.

Kourtney:
If this young woman was the average girl in an American community, she’d be considered a random, run-of-the-mill “babymomma.” But because she has fortune and fame, society overlooks the fact that she has two children out of wedlock. Let me take a minute and warn the men who might read this that women like Kourtney are not the type of women you want to date, nor mate with. While she’s cute, she is a demanding brat, who acts more like poor Scott’s mother than his lover–YIKES! While, I understand that he has made some dumb decisions, if it’s so catastrophic that you have to mother your man, then it’s not worth it. Let him go, and for go measure, don’t tether yourself to him forever as the mother of his children. Voila!

And last but not least…

…KIM:
I will probably dedicate a Celebrity Love Note to her, as did for her NOT YET EX-husband, Kris Humphries. My apologies if you thought that she was divorced…she is not. The saddest part of her relationship life is not that she and Kanye procreated (while that is very sad), it is that this woman hasn’t stop dating long enough to learn from the failure of her past relationships, nor to even get divorced. At some point, we all have to take responsibility for the roles that we’ve played in relationships that didn’t work, or are considered our own personal, “epic fails.” But we cannot do that if we continue to date through breakups and separations. Take time to heal. The person who said that, “the best way to get over an old man is to get under a new one,” is lying to you. This is how you become confused, vulnerable and, possibly knocked up. Kim is a young woman with severe issues. Fellas…also take heed to this one. Don’t let the size of her assets persuade you to be with someone who is not ready for a real relationship. This will not end well.

Well, those are just a few of my thoughts on how The Kardashians are possibly ruining your love life. If you after reading this feel that it’s beyond time for you to get your life (and love) together, then take a peek at our new low-to-no cost coaching and mentoring programs. If you’re being a little, “Kardashian” I promise not to let you stay that way. (Smile!)

Until then…

#CoachStephHasSpoken

askcoachsteph: what about your friends?

Posted on August 1, 2012May 21, 2013 by Coach Steph

Steph,
I need your help! I started seeing a girl and she’s amazing! We’re moving at a pretty good pace, not too fast or slow…it works for us. Of course, we’ve have a few issues, and I told my a buddy of mine, and it was no big deal. Now, it seems that everyone else has something to say (I guess one buddy told another and so on), and I am tired of it! They keep reminding me about my ex, and she was crazy, I know, but this girl is not like that.

How can make them stop bothering me? I appreciate that they care, but I think I am doing a good job of handling the situation on my own.

PLEASE HELP!

-BFM

[warning] Use the advice below at your own discretion. WhatTheLove/Coach Steph promise no outcomes, but provide the following response for entertainment and educational purposes ONLY. (The Legal Department has spoken.) [/warning]

Dear BFM,
Wouldn’t you know that I just finished screaming that I wish everyone would leave me alone about a certain situation? (Which is why I had to answer you this week. LOL!)

Our friends usually mean well, but sometimes it is too much to deal with. While you didn’t state the “issue,” I am going to assume that it wasn’t major enough to warrant termination of the relationship, nor is it a “Book of Bye” type of situation. As such is the case, telling your “buddy” your concerns is fine, but for everyone to have an opinion, that’s just too much.

So here are your options:
Tell everyone to get off your back! While this sounds drastic, there is a way to CALMLY and NICELY let your friends know that you do appreciate their concerns, but that they also must not bring the Ex into the Next. Whatever happened before, is not happening now, and even if there was an issue, as long as you can return to a healthy relationship, then everyone should just chill out.

Put up with this nonsense in silence! Now this may seem easier, but it’s not. As you suffer in silence, your frustrations will find an outlet–which may be your relationship. There’s really no reason to put up with the intrusion of others’ opinions and advice, unless you want to do…which if you wanted to, you wouldn’t have reached out to moi, right?

Take their feedback as gospel, and run the risk of ruining your new relationship. This is different from suffering in silence, because it means that you are silently agreeing with them. Sure, our friends have seen us through a fair share of relationships; however, that doesn’t give them carte blanche to remind us of our mistakes at every turn. If you begin to believe whatever they are telling you, you will surely begin to sabotage this new relationship, just because it seems easier than being wrong.

I don’t know what you’ll choose, but I’d like to offer you a little help with my Be a Rockstar video (and here’s the link, because I like you :D). The Be a ROCKSTAR program talks about boundaries and who to let into your VIP area. Get the idea? So, if there are at least 3 people who are getting on your last nerve…then this is the program for you.

Ok, so now you’re equipped to make some choices…choose wisely.

Xoxo,

Coach Steph :-X

AskCoachSteph: I Said I Didn’t Care…But I Do.

Posted on July 25, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Coach Steph,
I was dating this guy for 6 months, and everything was going great. But, we never said that we were exclusive, so, I started seeing someone else.

Anyway, now I am confused. I still like the first guy more, but he found out that I was seeing someone and we had a big fight. I told him that I didn’t care what he thought about me seeing the other guy…but I lied. I really wanted him to say that he wanted to be with me, but I was too scared to say that, because I didn’t want to say it out loud.

HELP! I don’t know what to do know.

I Care…da** it!

-D.P.R.

[warning][/warning] Use the advice below at your own discretion. WhatTheLove/Coach Steph promise no outcomes, but provide the following response for entertainment and educational purposes ONLY. (The Legal Department has spoken.)

Dear DPR,

As someone who has tested many, many men, the truth is that you know EXACTLY what to do…you just have to muster up the courage to do two things:

Decide that you are okay with WHATEVER the outcome is, when you go back to Guy #1 and tell him that you want to be with him.
Decide to go back and tell him–not text him, not email him, but call him up, and make time to tell him what you feel face to face.

When we like someone, we all seem to goto mush. We seek having the upper hand, in a situation where there are no winners or losers. Admit it, the real reason that you started seeing the other guy was because you wanted a reaction from Guy #1. You got a reaction when he got upset (make a note of that), but you remain confused because he didn’t say what you want him to say in the heat of that moment.

Too many RomComs….I know…

It’s okay I’ve been there.

The best solution here is what I call the Communication Situation. It requires you to do 3 three things:

Thing One: Be humble

Thing Two: Be HONEST

Thing Three: Get the whole story

Be humble because you have to eat little crow. You know you went out and flashed your “I am a big, bad single chic badge” and made a bit of a stir. But it’s okay. When you call, be quick to apologize, and ask (not demand or require) that they schedule some time to speak with you. Remember, you have to be okay with the outcome (see my earlier statement), so if he doesn’t want to meet with you, then don’t press the issue. Just reiterate that you are sorry, and leave it there. Call it woman’s intuition, but I do believe that he’ll want to speak with you…keep me posted.

Be HONEST. This is NOT the time to be coy or cute about what happened, or about what you want. Honesty is the best policy. So, once you set this date, show up, explain briefly, and then be honest about what you want from this guy. It’s that simple. All he can say is that he wants the same thing…or not. Either way, you will cease being confused about how this situation will work out for you.

Get the whole story. If you are not cute or coy about the situation, then this may not be a problem. However, I will say this: If you want to know if Guy #1 wants to be with you exclusively, then ask that EXACT question. Do not ask him trite or trivial questions, such as, “do you miss me?” “have you thought about me?” and other things that truly don’t matter in this moment. All that matters in this moment is that you get a complete answer to the question that you have. If his response leaves you wondering, then clarify…again GET THE WHOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE STORY!

In conclusion, don’t beat yourself up. As women, we live (especially our love lives) as double agents. Strong on the outside, but ooey and gooey on the inside. As such is the case, sometimes we say and do things in an effort to preserve our strength and to avoid being vulnerable. As I told you in “Why Don’t You Act Like a Man…” we are emotional creatures…it’s okay. The man that loves you will embrace that part of you.

Now, all that’s left to do is to pick up the phone…are…you…ready?

Keep me posted…it’s Snuggleville or bust!

Xoxo,

Coach Steph 😉

Ready for a (Relationship) Revolution?

Posted on July 23, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Me and Charles had a blast! Join in “the revolution!”

Dating is like interviewing for a job: You keep your best foot forward, make the best possible impression and hope they don’t see any of the flaws that make you YOU. So does that mean dating is like business? As a wrap-up to Charles’s month-long Online Dating Intensive, Charles discusses the business aspects of relationships with Stephanie D. McKenzie (aka “Coach Steph“), certified life coach and author of The Business of Dating: Traditional Business Principles for your Modern Dating Life! Get to know how you are presenting yourself, establish early boundaries, and read early red flags. Don’t miss this episode!

Listen here.

All the #SingleLadies…

Posted on July 20, 2012October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

I have held my tongue long enough!

After being repeatedly disappointed in the second season of the dollar-store version of Sex and the City, known to most of you, as “Single Ladies,” it’s time to make some things clear…

Single Ladies is doing its millions of viewers–who are largely female– a huge disservice. Not only are these characters void of executive level careers, it seems that their every dating move, must culminate in some version of sex, which usually creates a even more dysfunctional relationship than what was occuring pre-sex.

In fact, all of the relationships on this show exhibit some level of dysfunction. But, we continue to tune in because, for some, this is just life imitating art imitating life.

WTH?!

I was almost proud of the character played by Denise Vasi (Raquel) when she decided that she could date two different men. However, my pride was dashed (no pun intended) to bits as she took the opportunity to bed one of them during the same episode. Dating aint’ mating–consummating, that is–and as such is the case, should you follow the example of Denise’s character, you will end up just like she did…empty handed.

I won’t even go into the exploits of LisaRaye’s character, because the truth is that she is too old to be ungainfully employed, and driving the Ashton Martin her ex-signif bought for her. While there are some of you reading this who think that is cute. The truth is, she should be able to afford her own. Her own Ashton Martin, her own house, and her own life. But, that’s enough about that.

If you haven’t noticed, everytime one of these women engages in the sexual conquests, they are the ones that are conquered. The lusts and passions of these characters are very true to life, and the outcomes of their decisions are very true to life, too. If you continue to use sex as a toy, tool, plot, or powerplay, you will remain as these characters do: SINGLE.

It’s no secret that I don’t advocate for pre-marital sex–in my life, or in my practice; however, if you don’t want to ride that wave with me, at least be mindful of the fact that sex is nothing to play with. It is nothing that you use to get or keep someone, nor is it something that is casual and without consequences.

Listen, relationships take time to build, and when you add sex before that foundation has been poured (and dried), then you leave yourself in a very vulnerable position. I am not saying that you should implement a three-month rule, or some ridiculous RULE for when you will give your body to someone, I am saying that sex will change your relationship. Done too early, it will change it for the worse. Too early for me, if before there’s a hyphen in my last name; however, again, you may not want to ride that wave with me–that’s fine. Just be clear about what you are doing when you are “doing it.” And to make it clear, you are shifting the possibility of building a relationship on ROCK, to one that is built on SAND. Have you ever seen a house built on sand? Nope–there’s a reason for that.

Bottom line…acting like a “single lady” will keep you a…(wait for it)

…single lady!

If that’s where you want to be, then carry on as your were. If not, then perhaps you need to reroute the path that you are on, and let Raquel, April and Keisha be characters you watch, not people you imitate.

#CoachStephHasSpoken