askcoachsteph: what about your friends?

Posted on August 1, 2012May 21, 2013 by Coach Steph

Steph,
I need your help! I started seeing a girl and she’s amazing! We’re moving at a pretty good pace, not too fast or slow…it works for us. Of course, we’ve have a few issues, and I told my a buddy of mine, and it was no big deal. Now, it seems that everyone else has something to say (I guess one buddy told another and so on), and I am tired of it! They keep reminding me about my ex, and she was crazy, I know, but this girl is not like that.

How can make them stop bothering me? I appreciate that they care, but I think I am doing a good job of handling the situation on my own.

PLEASE HELP!

-BFM

[warning] Use the advice below at your own discretion. WhatTheLove/Coach Steph promise no outcomes, but provide the following response for entertainment and educational purposes ONLY. (The Legal Department has spoken.) [/warning]

Dear BFM,
Wouldn’t you know that I just finished screaming that I wish everyone would leave me alone about a certain situation? (Which is why I had to answer you this week. LOL!)

Our friends usually mean well, but sometimes it is too much to deal with. While you didn’t state the “issue,” I am going to assume that it wasn’t major enough to warrant termination of the relationship, nor is it a “Book of Bye” type of situation. As such is the case, telling your “buddy” your concerns is fine, but for everyone to have an opinion, that’s just too much.

So here are your options:
Tell everyone to get off your back! While this sounds drastic, there is a way to CALMLY and NICELY let your friends know that you do appreciate their concerns, but that they also must not bring the Ex into the Next. Whatever happened before, is not happening now, and even if there was an issue, as long as you can return to a healthy relationship, then everyone should just chill out.

Put up with this nonsense in silence! Now this may seem easier, but it’s not. As you suffer in silence, your frustrations will find an outlet–which may be your relationship. There’s really no reason to put up with the intrusion of others’ opinions and advice, unless you want to do…which if you wanted to, you wouldn’t have reached out to moi, right?

Take their feedback as gospel, and run the risk of ruining your new relationship. This is different from suffering in silence, because it means that you are silently agreeing with them. Sure, our friends have seen us through a fair share of relationships; however, that doesn’t give them carte blanche to remind us of our mistakes at every turn. If you begin to believe whatever they are telling you, you will surely begin to sabotage this new relationship, just because it seems easier than being wrong.

I don’t know what you’ll choose, but I’d like to offer you a little help with my Be a Rockstar video (and here’s the link, because I like you :D). The Be a ROCKSTAR program talks about boundaries and who to let into your VIP area. Get the idea? So, if there are at least 3 people who are getting on your last nerve…then this is the program for you.

Ok, so now you’re equipped to make some choices…choose wisely.

Xoxo,

Coach Steph :-X

Ready for a (Relationship) Revolution?

Posted on July 23, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Me and Charles had a blast! Join in “the revolution!”

Dating is like interviewing for a job: You keep your best foot forward, make the best possible impression and hope they don’t see any of the flaws that make you YOU. So does that mean dating is like business? As a wrap-up to Charles’s month-long Online Dating Intensive, Charles discusses the business aspects of relationships with Stephanie D. McKenzie (aka “Coach Steph“), certified life coach and author of The Business of Dating: Traditional Business Principles for your Modern Dating Life! Get to know how you are presenting yourself, establish early boundaries, and read early red flags. Don’t miss this episode!

Listen here.

All the #SingleLadies…

Posted on July 20, 2012October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

I have held my tongue long enough!

After being repeatedly disappointed in the second season of the dollar-store version of Sex and the City, known to most of you, as “Single Ladies,” it’s time to make some things clear…

Single Ladies is doing its millions of viewers–who are largely female– a huge disservice. Not only are these characters void of executive level careers, it seems that their every dating move, must culminate in some version of sex, which usually creates a even more dysfunctional relationship than what was occuring pre-sex.

In fact, all of the relationships on this show exhibit some level of dysfunction. But, we continue to tune in because, for some, this is just life imitating art imitating life.

WTH?!

I was almost proud of the character played by Denise Vasi (Raquel) when she decided that she could date two different men. However, my pride was dashed (no pun intended) to bits as she took the opportunity to bed one of them during the same episode. Dating aint’ mating–consummating, that is–and as such is the case, should you follow the example of Denise’s character, you will end up just like she did…empty handed.

I won’t even go into the exploits of LisaRaye’s character, because the truth is that she is too old to be ungainfully employed, and driving the Ashton Martin her ex-signif bought for her. While there are some of you reading this who think that is cute. The truth is, she should be able to afford her own. Her own Ashton Martin, her own house, and her own life. But, that’s enough about that.

If you haven’t noticed, everytime one of these women engages in the sexual conquests, they are the ones that are conquered. The lusts and passions of these characters are very true to life, and the outcomes of their decisions are very true to life, too. If you continue to use sex as a toy, tool, plot, or powerplay, you will remain as these characters do: SINGLE.

It’s no secret that I don’t advocate for pre-marital sex–in my life, or in my practice; however, if you don’t want to ride that wave with me, at least be mindful of the fact that sex is nothing to play with. It is nothing that you use to get or keep someone, nor is it something that is casual and without consequences.

Listen, relationships take time to build, and when you add sex before that foundation has been poured (and dried), then you leave yourself in a very vulnerable position. I am not saying that you should implement a three-month rule, or some ridiculous RULE for when you will give your body to someone, I am saying that sex will change your relationship. Done too early, it will change it for the worse. Too early for me, if before there’s a hyphen in my last name; however, again, you may not want to ride that wave with me–that’s fine. Just be clear about what you are doing when you are “doing it.” And to make it clear, you are shifting the possibility of building a relationship on ROCK, to one that is built on SAND. Have you ever seen a house built on sand? Nope–there’s a reason for that.

Bottom line…acting like a “single lady” will keep you a…(wait for it)

…single lady!

If that’s where you want to be, then carry on as your were. If not, then perhaps you need to reroute the path that you are on, and let Raquel, April and Keisha be characters you watch, not people you imitate.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

The Professor: Are Your “Peeps” Helping or Hurting?

Posted on July 20, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

Welcome back folks! Last time around I simply introduced the relationships concept to you….in case you didn’t remember, let’s just re-introduce the concept of a healthy relationship.

Let’s Bring Back Healthy Relationships

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached. These are given for the sole reason that each person wants to see the other reach the full potential that they are supposed to have. You know, to do this, you have to see their full potential from the perspective of that greater standard I spoke of last month. Otherwise, you’ll get a preconceived idea of what they are supposed to look like, or worse than that, get deceived into believing they’ll never do any better.

Sounds like someone in your life? Your significant other maybe? Could be, but what about your mother? Best friend? Cousin? Co-worker? Mentor?

Your “PeopleNet”

You know that saying, “You are the company you keep?” Well it’s kind of true. You can be the company you keep…depending on their influence level and their intent. You can break people in your lives down into three basic categories:

1) Those who are seeking to use/abuse/subdue you outright.

2) Those who have your best interest but not the best data to convey their wishes.

3) Those connected to a higher standard and want to do right by you just because you are you.

People in category one may not get awful close to you because you can see their manipulative ways coming, or after “X” amount of times you don’t want to deal with them. You want as many folk in category number three as you can get; they have both the knowledge and the intent to be great resources to you.

I’m talking about people in category number two. These folks are close to you but either give you wacky counsel or just weigh you down. While people in category number three will help you and alleviate weight, people in category two will weigh you down with preconceptions. If you twist my arm, we could bring in a fourth category, of the “serial dumpers”…those who just bring their issues to you over and over and over again. Those folk annoy ya don’t they?

Well, the people you keep, positive or negative, I’d like to call the “PeopleNet”. And they have potential to help or harm you in regard to finding a suitable mate or finding a suitable purpose. For more information on “PeopleNets”, you can click this link.

“PeopleNets” and Significant Others

If your significant other gets close enough to you, the two of you get married and you become family, become one. Right? Right. Well the same can go with friends as well, or anyone in your life. They can become (like) family. And family become often like acquaintances. Well if you have a dysfunctional dynamic with the folks around you, how marketable does that make you in relationships? Not very? Didn’t think so. Even one dysfunctional relationship can dictate the pace of all the others if that person is close enough.

Ever take an argument with your mother or father to your friends or your significant other? That target of your rage stops reacting to you don’t they? Better to make sure folks are in the right category of person, right?

For next month: Consider this, there is a gold standard even for those closest to you. And next week, we’ll talk about them.

Until next time….

Kimberly Moore: Isn’t It Time to Live A Better Story?

Posted on July 10, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

Isn’t it time to LIVE a better story? I recently wrote about Allowing for Loss – Finding Life and Love. It was a weighty, but necessary topic. Can I be honest? I really wish there was another way to get to the other side. I mean does it really take losing to gain? I have earnestly searched and tried to find another way. There just isn’t one that ends in true fulfillment. But after you get on the other side, I have found a better story to live.

Why continue to live the same old story and get the same old results? Life is about living and being (or experiencing). Ladies, we can sure “do” a lot. We plan well. We multi-task well. We get things done. The news flash for us is life is more about living and being. In all of our doing, we somehow forget to be, to experience and breathe in the things around us. And being is really what we were created to “do” best – be open, be vulnerable, be loving, be life-giving, be fun, be smart, be interesting, be playful. As women, the very thing that attracts people and opportunities to us is ironically what we avoid most. Why? Could it be that it’s not valued, and people perceive them as weakness?Most of us want to tell a better story about our lives, although telling our story is more of an external experience. It’s also pretty safe. But to live a better story, you are invited to take the risk to be and show who you really are from the inside out. In the past 20 years alone, we’ve gotten access to “do” more. And we have – maybe too much. It’s great. It’s exciting. But it costs us too.Let’s change that. Over the next few weeks, may I extend a challenge to you to work on your story? This will not be a “how to” get the love of your life, 9 steps to being the woman you want to be, etc. It is simply an invitation to a process of exploring, or even discovering, what may be eluding your experience as woman:

Love both receiving & giving
Intimacy
Authenticity
Being honest with yourself and others
Communicating who you are and being heard, understood and affirmed
Settling the matter that you are good enough – period
Having a hope that doesn’t disappoint – that you can and will experience healthy, loving relationships.

Feeling a little excited? Or little overwhelmed about the whole thing? That’s ok. Remember this is an invitation. And like any invitation YOU get to choose to accept, decline, or even resist and ignore it. For these next weeks to really matter you are asked to engage with your whole heart, that part of you that allows you to “be” the woman you want to see on the outside. When resistance comes, tell it no. It’s very important to decide to be open to what may come or you may just find yourself reading another good blog post. Rather a good blog post that might help you LIVE a better story for your life and love. Are you ready? What do you have to lose…more life?

Let’s Go…

– Show quoted text –

Kimberly Moore: Do you REALLY Have Room for Something New?

Posted on July 2, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

I’m a fan of Twitter. I have fun sharing moments of my life, learning from people and being inspired. I may never personally meet those I learn from or inspired by, but sometimes, for a moment, I meet them by replying to their tweets or join their work through my retweets. I love it even more than Facebook.

Let me use one of my favorite people I follow on Twitter to illustrate the idea of “Allowing for Loss.” Shaun King (@shaunking) is a guy who has done a lot in his life, including serving as a pastor of a growing church in Atlanta, and being founder of TWITCHANGE, which is a game-changer for using social media to get causes in the forefront of audiences on Twitter with over 30K followers. Last spring, he experienced great loss in losing both of those jobs, selling almost everything his young family of 5 had. Sensing it was best for his family to make a clean break from Atlanta with no job or clear purpose; they decided to take up an offer to move to California, stay with another family and figure out what’s next. Undeniably great loss of daily friendships, their home and dreams. An excavation of the heart for sure. But he did. In doing so, new doors opened. New purpose HopeMob @Hope, just moved into a new home, received invitation from White House that he had to turn down, and raising a family member’s daughter.

When we decide to excavate our hearts, loss is what we feel first and most. Even if it’s our idea! Even if it’s good for us. Rather, we often think when we allow for loss it only means something is subtracted from our lives, or even funnier maybe is that we think something is wrong because we have lost. Maybe that’s the pain or fear speaking to us.

What if it’s right that we lost this or that? What would happen if you or I allowed loss to be a natural part of life like growing up?

What do you and I get in the end? We begin to store up experiences of responding well and allowance for loss. We start to think differently about loss and our ability to stay whole in the process. We build confidence of our ability in our heart that we will live and not die because of these losses. We make room in our hearts and life for the best kind of love and relationships.

Click here to take a journey to see if you’ve allowed for loss. Choose today to find your life and love planned and awaiting you. Make room in your life now.

I’m in process too and betting on it being worth it all. What’s your story? How have you allowed for loss? Was it worth it all?

The Professor: What Is a Healthy Relationship? (and, are YOU in one?)

Posted on June 18, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

I’d like to take some time out and talk about relationships, in general…

What is a Relationship?

Most people see relationships as dynamics between a man and a woman interacting and growing together. And while this is true, it’s not the full picture of what relationships are supposed to do.

A relationship, in its purest sense, is two or more individuals with similar worldviews coming together for a common purpose.

What Does This Mean?

Well this means that a relationship spans any dynamic you have with anyone in your life. It could be one with your best homie or your “BFF”, your parents, siblings, co-workers, churchmates, or with a significant other. We have to understand how all of these relationships work in order to have balance in our lives.

What is a Healthy Relationship?

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached. The love is the central issue. The love context fuels attention or respect. We can liken this to either a mother picking up a crying infant in the wee hours of the morning, or one friend giving counsel to another who appears to be lost in a distressing situation, uplifting and encouraging instead of pointing fingers. When this happens, the appropriate values flow, everyone in the relationship grows, and the oneness of the relationship flows like it should. And the relationship’s purpose, reached.

And if you feel like loving children and being a good friend is elementary, go read the news. Mothers are choking infants and people are stabbing each other over Facebook arguments. Facebook arguments? You had better believe it; there’s not a lot of love out there. And that’s no good. The reality of the matter is that things like this should be “common” sense. But loving your neighbor as your own flesh with no strings attached has become very uncommon these days. It’s saddening. Therefore we must turn to a greater standard for loving one another. One where we serve as opposed to demanding service.

But What About My Relationship with my Significant Other?

I’ve gotten a little bit into what I intended to discuss, but whatthelove.org is a website for romantic relationships. So why is this here? To reiterate, all relationships are connected. However, all relationships are connected in this way: to the extent that our relationships function appropriately will determine how well other relationships function appropriately. This means that we understand what the relationship is doing and our role in it, in the spirit of service and friendship. And friends disagree sometimes, but maintain peaceful oneness without arguing. And peace makes everything better.

For next time: Would YOU date someone who complained about their mother? Father? Co-workers? Their career? Would you consider them peaceful?

Until next time…

Coach Steph Note: Welcome our newest LIVE guest writer, The Professor! We are glad that he is willing to bring some different perspectives to WTL! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!

Are you Doing the Wrong things trying to Get it Right?

Posted on May 21, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Trusting your intuition about men… why do women ignore the obvious warning signs of a man’s hurtful behavior? Why do women attract, fall in love and commit to men who are wrong for them? Why do women stay with a man who is without question so very bad for them?

How to KNOW if they like you?

Posted on May 14, 2012October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

It’s an age-old question, asked by daters young and old. Driven by a desire to be with someone who genuinely cares for us, we find ourselves asking, “does he/she like me?”

Well, they might. (Wasn’t that profound?)

What you have to keep in mind, is that he or she may be asking the same questions about you. So, if in the event that you are too chcken to ask (it happens), here’s a few signs that might help you draw a conclusion. However, these signs are not foolproof, and at the end of the day, I highly recommend asking the individual. It may be a tad awkward to ask such a question, but rather you be a little uncomfortable now, then two months from now.

So, without further ado, here’s a few things to consider…and I hope this helps.

Considerations when you first meet them…

Are they attentive when you’re speaking?
Guys….did she give you her number when you asked?
Girls…did he ask for your number…and call?
Do they ask you questions about you?
This is pretty much all you need to know. If someone likes or is interested in you, then they want to get to know you. Guys always seem to miss this cue. If a woman is not asking questions about you, she’s not trying to get to know you. She may be polite enough to listen to you talk, but if she fails to inquire about you beyond your name, age, and occupation (vital stats, if you will), then that’s a sign. Take.
Do they seem comfortable* around you?
Squeemish could be nervousness, yes. But down right discomfort probably comes from looking for an exit door that is either not close enough or far enough that you’d notice. Especially for a woman, comfort is key to being with anyone.
Has the word date been mentioned?
And, if so, did they respond enthusiastically to the suggestion, or was it like winning a dollar from playing the lottery?

*Creating a comfortable environment may include: 1) Excluding your dirty jokes 2) Not discussing politics, religion, or any other possibly controversial topic. 3) Excluding numerous comments about their looks, beauty, body, job, income, SEX or anything else that would could be considered an questionable (this means you look like a stalker-in-training).

Considerations for the date…

Again, are they attentive?
Do they ask questions about you?
Do they seem comfortable?
AND one more…When you mention going out again, do they say yes?
While I realize that this may go without saying, there’s a little more to it. I legitimately mean, do they say without hesitation or any pause whatsoever, “YES!” After the yes, should come the plan. If she says yes, but there is no plan to meet you in an intimate setting–just the two of you–consider this case closed. If there’s a yes, and then she commits to a date, or to giving you a date, then you might have a shot.

While I realize that this article, may seem a bit cliche’ I also know that sometimes we need to be reminded of how dating works, and we need to understand that it’s not that serious (for the most part). We will like and dislike numerous people in our single lives, and the truth is, if they don’t like you, then keep moing forward until you cross the path of someone who does.

#bearockstar
#Love100