Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told Evelyn Lozada About Chad Ochocinco

Posted on by Coach Steph
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With the new season of Basketball Wives, we are now forced to relive the saga that is the short-lived marriage of Evelyn Lozada and Chad Ochocinco.

First things first…this relationship started off with a major handicap.  When you sleep someone on the first date (or very early in the dating process), you lose the ability to learn more about the person. Now you’re just looking for more sex–especially if the sex is good.

Secondly, Evelyn ignored some key signs that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband.  In my honest professional opinion, Chad is a nice guy, and while I believe there is more to the “headbutt” story, the truth is that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband.   Now, post-incident, she spends much of her on-camera time with therapists and getting her life “fixed” (you know what I mean). However, I humbly ask the question of why wasn’t this time spent pre-nuptials  with the both of them working to put this relationship on a viable path-if one existed?  Evelyn is a beautiful woman, however, wisdom is what is most needed when choosing a mate.  Take heed.

If Evelyn was my client, I would tell her that choosing a boyfriend and then deciding if that boyfriend can be a husband is a process.  And, in order to make that process work well, physical intimacy has to be left put of the equation, and the emphasis should be placed on getting to know each other and assessing how this person’s past has affected them.  There has to be a certain amount of diligence when learning about someone, and again, when sex is one facet of the relationship, learning about the other facets becomes a real challenge.

When someone you are interested in shares tales of tragic childhoods, deadbeat fathers, dead end relationships, and the like, you don’t have to disqualify them, but your antennae should go up and your new mission is to learn how these past occurrences affect them today.  Do they hate women because of something their mother did? Or is their definition of manhood based on the teachings of a “rolling stone” father? This is important! It’s even more important than how great they are in the sack, or how successful they are.  These are the hard questions that no one wants to ask.  But if you’re considering this person for the rest of your life, then that is nothing to take lightly.

What anyone can learn from this situation:  Just as I “told” Kris Humphries, there were signs before you walked down the aisle that this union may not have been for you, or may not have been ready to become the relationship that you want it to be.

Marriage is serious business.  We’re talking about two people, becoming one, and making a covenant with Divine power.  People have minimized it to a pre-nuptial agreement and something that a divorce can get you out of, but don’t be confused by the trite behavior displayed by popular culture.  And, don’t get trapped or caught in a situation that could’ve been avoided with diligent investigation and dedicated time spent communicating INSTEAD of consummating.

Now, if they decide to reconcile, there are major issues that should be dealt with…but I will address that in another article.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Disclaimer: Just so it’s clearly stated, Coach Steph has not nor is currently working with Evelyn Lozada or Chad Ochocinco.  This article is simply a professional perspective on how the elements of this relationship can affect others, as well as what others can learn from this incident.

Give ‘Em a Break!

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Hey folks,

Here’s another installment of making sure all of your relationships are tightened up. Remember these posts will not only give you insight on how to deal with a significant other, but deal with others who are significant (which will in turn help you with your significant other).

Review

So I’ll be brief in my review. Last month I simply made it a point not to be a doormat in dealing with the people in your world. The reason why I said that was when you do this you fall short of the standard necessary to be the best thing anyone’s ever seen. And you ultimately polarize yourself against the “Category #3’ers (see previous post).

Now for this month’s lesson…

What are the dangers of losing Category #3’ers? Let’s be real here. Not even your Category #3’ers are going to be perfect. Sometimes they are not going to meet your expectation levels. Well if it be your significant other, a good friend, or a mentor, you get upset at that. Then you get upset with yourself. Then you get angry at them. Then you just have a whole bunch of angry in your business. But, have you ever stopped to wonder why you were angry? What you were angry at? What was really going on with that person?

If you didn’t even ask these questions, you’re very angry. This is what happens…

Unmet Expectation Levels, Wounds, and More Trouble

Well, if you find yourself all around fussity because of something someone did or didn’t do, chances are you’ve been wounded. A wound is mindset that prevents you from reaching the fullness of what you are supposed to be. If you don’t want your rockstar to crash, it is best to undergo a greater discernment to find a greater understanding of what you are dealing with. That way you can figure out what’s the matter. Maybe you’re the issue. Maybe they are the issue. Maybe it’s circumstance. Either way, you know FORGIVENESS is a great way to go to release that pain. Because with unreleased pain then it becomes part of the mindset.

Think about it like this…let’s say you’re in a dating relationship with someone. You REALLY like them and most of what they do but they don’t call you as often as they like. Do you let that person go because they aren’t doing everything they you want them to, or do you love them beyond their shortcomings? Of course some things you aren’t supposed to put up with, especially if they are behavior patterns. However, if you leave them over something like that, that you could forgive them for, and love them through…what next? Those feelings aren’t a light switch are they? And even if you move on to the next person, how will you react when you see your ex in the store, or the mall, or on the street. You may be civil but somewhere in your gut you feel sick a bit don’t you?

You know that saying it’s “cheaper to keep her”? Well that’s true the most in this regard (whether it be a girlfriend OR a boyfriend). Just not worth the drama You’re not over the last person so you can’t show how awesome you are to that new person…next thing you know you got three miserable folks.

Don’t do it, don’t be a doormat, but don’t be a relationship tyrant either!

Until next time!

New From @godsbutterflykw: Relationship VIP

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Twitter is all a buzz. Entertainment news shows are reporting. Magazine after magazine is covered with the same headline. Who cheated on whom? Who’s dating whom? Breakup shocker! Are Rihanna and Chris Brown really back together? Jaws dropped at the news of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman’s split up. And every week we rush to the nearest information source for the latest on Rob Pattison and Kristen Stewart. Why are we so obsessed with the love lives of these people we don’t know? We learn about their lives in sound bites and the scroll of the ticker tape. Surely there is something or another relationship perhaps, we can be concerned with.

It’s been suggested that we get so caught up in the entertainment love news as an escape from our own ‘stuff’. I wonder how much we’d really care if we were busy taking care of ourselves. Oh, I don’t know turning the tube off and spending that time learning more about ourselves; rather than dissecting who and why of which celeb should be with whom. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy star gazing as much as the next person. What if we took the time to love ourselves as much as we spend the time worrying about their love lives maybe we wouldn’t have time to do so? Make sense?

That got me to thinking. What do we, can we do to work on the most important relationship we have – our relationship with our selves. I am the VIP of my life after all! Aren’t you? ABSOLUTELY! No? Let’s look at some ways to o ascend in our personal VIP (PVIP) status.

  1. Window Cleaner. The first step to reaching optimal PVIP status is to get clear about who you ARE and who you are not. One of my favorite lines from the movie, The Color Purple, is “…Harpo who dis woman?”  While the question was being asked of a male, the point is to get in your own face and really look at the person staring back at you. There was a time when I didn’t/couldn’t see myself. I couldn’t see all the wonderful things others were saying about me. The time came to sit with who I thought I was and who I thought I was not. Where did those ideals come from? Were the inherited or self-imposed. Once I got clear about the woman in the mirror (feel free to jam your Michael Jackson in the background), I could move on to the next step.
  2. Permission Granted. Give yourself permission to choose you. Put yourself back at the top of your (never-ending) to-do list. That’s not selfish. It’s necessary. This will be new for some and a reminder to others. You’ve heard the parallel of the in air safety review, that instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first. It truly is just that basic. You can’t be your best in any relationship capacity (personal, romantic or professional), if your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual oxygen level is low. It’s like running a computer that needs more bandwidth – it just doesn’t function at its best. So, how do you add more energetic bandwidth to your life?                 Think things that will simultaneously a) benefit you directly, b) give you peace within and c) cultivate your body, mind, and spirit. Do things that say I LOVE YOU – to you!  Think of it as courting yourself.
  3. Un-Cuffed. All too often we are bound by I should, I have to, and Yeah but. Saying no to what we feel obligated to or pressured by is not a bad thing. No is actually a beautiful word. It only has two letters and rolls smoothly over the tongue. The thing is sometimes we get so used to saying no, we look up years later and realize somewhere along the way we started saying no to ourselves; in addition to saying those things that feel heavy and don’t feed our spirit. You probably won’t come out of the gate shaking your Yay Me! pom poms. It’s a journey. And you may have to remind yourself. That is perfectly okay. Feel free to repeat as needed.
  4. Add Three Cups of Joy and Stir. What makes you happy? What brings you child-like giggle joy? When is the last time you did something that added joy to your life?  If it helps, think back to what you enjoyed as a child. I remember coloring, gold fish and playing in the water. I still love being in water to this day. Every chance I get, I play in the water. Recently I went to the local pet store to learn about fish. I’ll be adding a small fish tank to my office (a tad different from the single gold fish I had as a kid). Every now and then I still color. Yes, in a coloring book! Don’t judge me –lol. Seriously, what things make you smile from the inside out? It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Keep it simple. Don’t overthink it.

Becoming your PVIP is a learned way of life, not taught to everyone. Some of us need a refresher course. Wherever you are on your PVIP journey, you are not alone. There are others on the same journey and luckily for you, you have me (smile) to help you on the way!

Have questions or just want to share part of your journey? I’m an email away at chiefheartwranglerr@whatthelove.org.

Remember, if you don’t define you, someone else will. And that’s too important a job to leave to just anyone.

X’s and O’s

New from @KingdomKid725: Are YOU Being Walked on?

Posted on by Team TRF
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[adsenseyu2]

Intro and Review

Hey everybody!

Last month around I put a lot of emphasis on this gold standard in regard to how you want to build a relationship. I put particular emphasis on those even the closest to you. However, before we go into that, let’s review.

Everyone you know will fall into one of these three categories:

1) Those who wish to do no more with you but exploit and abuse you for their own selfish gain.
2) Those who have your best interest but not the best data to convey their wishes.
3) Those connected to a higher standard and want to do right by you just because you are you.

Got it? Well think about it like this. If you have a co-worker that falls into category #1, you can distance yourself…and leave work at work (we’ll talk about that concept a little later). If you have some sort of casual acquaintance, or someone you’ve only known for a set amount of time, you can boot them on out of your business.

A New Quandary

Well, what if you have someone in Category #1, or even Category #2 and they are your homie? Or your BFF? Or worse yet, your mother or father?! Yes there are dysfunctional family dynamics out there, and left to themselves, those dynamics will only produce after themselves. Well, you know you have charge to live your own life, but you’re supposed to love your parents right?

So what the heck do you do?

Well, there’s a difference between servanthood and what I like to call “doormat’ism”. Servanthood is doing things for folks and putting your all into it because you want to see them become the best thing anybody’s ever seen with zero strings attached (this would make you a Category #3’er in their lives). “Doormat’ism” is when your entire life revolves around what they want.

I want to briefly talk about why this is BAD from two perspectives:

1) Anyone you date will be dating your family and NOT you. Don’t be that person who is apologizing for who you date. No you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone uncouth, but even if you are you don’t owe your parents/family an apology for that in of itself. Understand that it’s bad, get out, learn your lesson, and move on. Even your significant other is on the up and up (and they are a “Category #3’er”), sometimes your folks may not approve. In these cases, you gotta stand up and put your foot down. While this has to be in love, it does have to be. Otherwise….

You know cult followers? They “followed” someone too.

 

2) You deliberately follow short of that higher standard I keep yammering about. And I yammer on it because that higher standard works. Your mother, while she loves you, doesn’t know tomorrow today. Your dad, who may just want you prepared for the world, wasn’t around when the foundation of the world was laid. While they may know more than you practically, that doesn’t mean that (1) you’re no less an adult or (2) you have less access to the higher standard than they do. Get your own mind and be the best thing anyone’s ever seen. [adsenseyu7]

You don’t want to follow anything blindly but that higher standard to get to that commission that you’re here for.

Remember this, know what you follow, as sheep tend to get slaughtered. Will this kill you here? No, but you won’t be much of rockstar following any PERSON blindly either.

Until next time!

The Professor: Are Your “Peeps” Helping or Hurting?

Posted on by Team TRF
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Welcome back folks!  Last time around I simply introduced the relationships concept to you….in case you didn’t remember, let’s just re-introduce the concept of a healthy relationship.

Let’s Bring Back Healthy Relationships

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached.  These are given for the sole reason that each person wants to see the other reach the full potential that they are supposed to have.  You know, to do this, you have to see their full potential from the perspective of that greater standard I spoke of last month.  Otherwise, you’ll get a preconceived idea of what they are supposed to look like, or worse than that, get deceived into believing they’ll never do any better.

Sounds like someone in your life?  Your significant other maybe?  Could be, but what about your mother?  Best friend?  Cousin? Co-worker?  Mentor?

Your “PeopleNet”

You know that saying, “You are the company you keep?”  Well it’s kind of true.  You can be the company you keep…depending on their influence level and their intent.  You can break people in your lives down into three basic categories:

1)    Those who are seeking to use/abuse/subdue you outright.

2)    Those who have your best interest but not the best data to convey their wishes.

3)    Those connected to a higher standard and want to do right by you just because you are you.

People in category one may not get awful close to you because you can see their manipulative ways coming, or after “X” amount of times you don’t want to deal with them.  You want as many folk in category number three as you can get; they have both the knowledge and the intent to be great resources to you.

I’m talking about people in category number two.  These folks are close to you but either give you wacky counsel or just weigh you down.  While people in category number three will help you and alleviate weight, people in category two will weigh you down with preconceptions.  If you twist my arm, we could bring in a fourth category, of the “serial dumpers”…those who just bring their issues to you over and over and over again.  Those folk annoy ya don’t they?

Well, the people you keep, positive or negative, I’d like to call the “PeopleNet”.  And they have potential to help or harm you in regard to finding a suitable mate or finding a suitable purpose.  For more information on “PeopleNets”, you can click this link.

“PeopleNets” and Significant Others

If your significant other gets close enough to you, the two of you get married and you become family, become one.  Right? Right.  Well the same can go with friends as well, or anyone in your life.  They can become (like) family.   And family become often like acquaintances.  Well if you have a dysfunctional dynamic with the folks around you, how marketable does that make you in relationships?  Not very?  Didn’t think so.  Even one dysfunctional relationship can dictate the pace of all the others if that person is close enough.

 

Ever take an argument with your mother or father to your friends or your significant other?  That target of your rage stops reacting to you don’t they?  Better to make sure folks are in the right category of person, right?

 

For next month: Consider this, there is a gold standard even for those closest to you.   And next week, we’ll talk about them.

 

Until next time….

The Professor: What Is a Healthy Relationship? (and, are YOU in one?)

Posted on by Team TRF
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I’d like to take some time out and talk about relationships, in general…

What is a Relationship?

Most people see relationships as dynamics between a man and a woman interacting and growing together.  And while this is true, it’s not the full picture of what relationships are supposed to do.

A relationship, in its purest sense, is two or more individuals with similar worldviews coming together for a common purpose.

What Does This Mean?

Well this means that a relationship spans any dynamic you have with anyone in your life.  It could be one with your best homie or your “BFF”, your parents, siblings, co-workers, churchmates, or with a significant other.  We have to understand how all of these relationships work in order to have balance in our lives.

What is a Healthy Relationship?

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached.  The love is the central issue.  The love context fuels attention or respect.  We can liken this to either a mother picking up a crying infant in the wee hours of the morning, or one friend giving counsel to another who appears to be lost in a distressing situation, uplifting and encouraging instead of pointing fingers. When this happens, the appropriate values flow, everyone in the relationship grows, and the oneness of the relationship flows like it should. And the relationship’s purpose, reached.

And if you feel like loving children and being a good friend is elementary, go read the news.   Mothers are choking infants  and people are stabbing each other over Facebook arguments.  Facebook arguments?  You had better believe it; there’s not a lot of love out there.  And that’s no good.   The reality of the matter is that things like this should be “common” sense.  But loving your neighbor as your own flesh with no strings attached has become very uncommon these days.  It’s saddening.  Therefore we must turn to a greater standard for loving one another. One where we serve as opposed to demanding service.

But What About My Relationship with my Significant Other?

I’ve gotten a little bit into what I intended to discuss, but whatthelove.org is a website for romantic relationships.  So why is this here?  To reiterate, all relationships are connected.  However, all relationships are connected in this way: to the extent that our relationships function appropriately will determine how well other relationships function appropriately.  This means that we understand what the relationship is doing and our role in it, in the spirit of service and friendship.  And friends disagree sometimes, but maintain peaceful oneness without arguing.  And peace makes everything better.

For next time:  Would YOU date someone who complained about their mother?  Father? Co-workers? Their career?  Would you consider them peaceful?

Until next time…

Coach Steph Note: Welcome our newest LIVE guest writer, The Professor! We are glad that he is willing to bring some different perspectives to WTL! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!