Some Advice for Good Sex!

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So…I had the privilege of hanging out with my new 20-something year old buddies for a Relationship Roundtable on Saturday.  Of course as with any discussion about relationships, the topic of sex comes up.

You think?

Well, you know my stance on pre-marital sex (and if you don’t, it’s don’t do it); however, for those of you screaming, “screw you Coach Steph! I’m getting me some sex,” then here’s a few things that I would like you to consider.

Calm down, it’s just 4 little things, you can handle it.

Realize that sex is serious.  It’s not anything that you do to show your power, or how well you can do it.  Even if you have the best sex in the world (and references to support this claim), you are a fool to give it to just anyone to prove a point.  Not only is it serious, it’s spiritual.  Now, even if you don’t have a god or believe in God…two people becoming one should sound pretty powerful to you, and in that moment, you should realize that you are both at your most vulnerable.  So, if you don’t mind taking on someone else’s spirit, mind and body for at least 20 minutes, and you’re okay if that it may not mean anything to them when the act is over, then you might be making a good decision.

Insist on protection.  Beyond getting pregnant by someone you may not like in the next 24-48 hours, there are still diseases that can change your life forever.  We’ve all had unprotected sex, but if you’ve been blessed enough to come through it disease free and HIV-negative…then protect your status and protect yourself.  If someone wants to do it without protection, and by protection, I mean something between your flesh and theirs, then consider it an insult to your self-worth.  You are definitely worth a condom (male or female version), some dental dam, something…aren’t you?

Never give your body with expectations.  This is how you get into problems.  You think that if you do it, he will commit, or he will know how you feel.  If you want to have sex with someone, be prepared to accept the fact that they may not call the next day—or ever, and they still see other people, or breakup with you.  If you can accept that without feeling used or cheated, then you’re really strong.

Get over them before you get under a new person.  Sometimes when we lose someone, we’re so upset that we want to take drastic actions.  And by drastic, I mean finding the nearest most available person to bump uglies with. You’re hoping to reclaim your broken heart and show just how fast you can get over your defunct relationship.  WRONG! You’re about to set yourself up for a huge failure (a possibly EPIC fail, if you will).  The feelings you have for your ex are still present, and if you aren’t careful, they will transfer over to the person that you’re smushing.  So…when the deed is done, you’re going to feel even worse.  Now if you can handle that…then you made the right decision.

Now, for those you who are really paying attention…the first letter of the first word in each of the considerations actually spell the word “RING.”  So, yet and still I hope you get the message.

For those of you who think that sex is about power and empowerment, you are setting yourselves up for failure.  While this article is written with a female spin on it, please note that the considerations apply to guys also.

End the end…you will do what’s best for you…I just hope that if it’s right for you now, that it will be right for you later!

3 Reasons Why you are not Getting Dates

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So, you’re wondering what is really going on? You’re attractive, you’re smart and you’re even open-minded.  But yet and still you find yourself, week after week, dateless.

What the love is going on? (Did you like that shameless plug?)

Well, here’s what you need to know.  For the most part, you expect too much.  You expect to go out looking your best and that someone will notice.  Yea, that worked about a decade ago.  Now, it’s a matter of being in the right place at the right time AND with the right people.  So, just to make it clear, here are the THREE  reasons why your are, in fact, dateless.

Reason One: Looking for love in all the wrong SPACES.
I’ve said it before, but I will repeat myself just for you.  There are three types of spaces that I have identified.  They are: Carnal, Communal, and Committal.  These terms define both spaces and people.  But, here’s the deal.  Most of time, you are in carnal space, looking for communal or committal people.  Carnal people are in carnal spaces.  They are interested in the flesh–your flesh.  The ultimate goal is to have sex with you, not converse with you or get to know you (as things happen in communal space) and not to get into a relationship with you (committal space).  Now, unless you are walking around looking carnal (aka the TnA show), then you will be unsuccessful in carnal spaces.  If you are approached in a carnal space, then know that the goal is simple–I just told you, and if that’s not what you are looking for, then bid them a fond farewell.

You get it?

Reason Two: The predator knows its prey; and you aren’t edible.
If you remotely look like you have things together in your life, then that is yet another reason why you are not being asked out.  Now, I fervently believe that there are good men out there.  However, for every good guy, there are about 20 that are poised and ready, on the prowl for their next “meal.”  Unfortunately, it is easier for you to encounter these predators than it is for you to get to the good guy (but he is out there).  So, you just have to be okay with the fact that you are in a waiting and holding pattern for the good guy.  In the meanwhile, you can also roll your eyes at the unworthy idiot who is attempting to get your number.

Just so you know, this goes for guys too, but it would take to long to re-word it, so just use your imagination.

Reason Three: You need to bring sexy back.
Now I am putting this all on you.  While, I don’t advise presenting your assets as they do in CARNAL-Ville, I do recommend showing off your best assets by way of clothes, makeup, a well-fitted suit…do you get the idea?  For example, if you have great legs, then show them off, don’t hide them.  You don’t need a skirt up to your cookie to show them off, but a well tailored pencil skirt will do the trick and still be professional.  If you’ve been in the gym, then please, sir, make sure that those oxfords and suit jackets are cut just right.   Now, you can leave the “smedium” baby T’s where they are, but just make sure that we can see that awesome form.

Coming out of your house looking like a potato sack, or a dull-dressed man, isn’t serving you any purpose.  Even the great guy or girl has eyes in their head, and they will see you before they talk to you.  So, an awesome personality is a plus, but don’t forsake a pair of jeans with a great fit, or a shirt that picks up the blue in your eyes.

Ok…I think I have made my point.  Now, if you are doing all these things (or not doing) and not getting dates, at least now you have a reason.  So, in the meanwhile, work on your hobbies, take up yoga, and read a good book–like mine.

How to Upgrade “Them”

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So…instead of writing yet another article…I am just going to let this lovely chapter from my book, “The Book of Bye!” do the talking.

from Thing Three: “Lemme Upgrade Ya!”

Confession: I am not a fan of this artist.

While the song featuring the same lyrics as this chapter is cute; believing that you are the person ordained to either be the upgrade for or to deliver the upgrades to this new person in your life is cooking up a recipe for DI-SAS-TER!

 That’s disaster, for those of you who didn’t quite catch that.

Why is it a recipe for disaster?

 Let me ask you a question: How would you feel if someone chose you to be their fixer-upper?

 Exactly!

Dana is a really sweet girl.  Not wanting to discriminate, Dana decided that she could go out with Corey despite the fact that she thought he was “too big.”  Her sweet self just thought that he would be a great workout partner, and that would be a great way for them to spend time together.  Well, they didn’t work out together, but you already knew that, and in fact, he never worked out at all!

Now, this is one girl’s story, so some of you won’t be so offended, but imagine if the roles were reversed and Corey tried to slenderize Dana.  There would be a public outcry, and Corey’s head would be requested on a platter.  It would be unconscionable that some man would do this do a woman.

I know. You’re disgusted just thinking about it.  Calm down, and let’s move on to the big thing.

The big thing…

The great thing about a healthy relationship is that we make each other better.  When one member of the relationship believes that he or she is on their A-Game and they further believe that they have chosen a strong C or D-Game individual to fix, this almost never turns out well. Attempts to change someone can lead to a situation riddled with resentment, especially if you take this “upgrade” thing too far and cause the other person to feel inadequate, insecure or self-conscious.  Even if the other person is open to your attempts to change them, the truth is they’ll always be who they are, which may be an overweight guy who likes turtle cheesecake and fried chicken.

 Therefore, we have to accept that the person in front of us is just that person.  They are not the person who would be great, if…or who would be perfect, if.

Dana is really sweet, but the truth is, she should’ve let Corey be exactly who he was…without her.

 

Now, let’s mend it or end it.

 

Mend it, if:

  • The upgrade is cosmetic and minimal.

Translation: If you’re just suggesting a few new items to their wardrobe (emphasis on a “FEW”), or you genuinely love who they are inside and the upgrade is based on bringing them out of their shell, or to encourage them to show-off their best assets.

End it, if…

Well of course I left you hangin’…you need to get the entire book, and check out “things” 1-12.  The Book of Bye! is available at Amazon.com, and you need to get yours before the price changes, AND before my Bye Club Book Club event on December 18th.

@%$! YOU!

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Well, it’s not what you think.  But it is a new weapon in your arsenal against bad relationships.

I was on LA Talk Live (www.latalklive.com)  last night with Dr. Richard Karr and a few other special guests and he asked me  a question.  He asked me if I thought I could change bad relationtionships.  I responded by telling him I would rather be more of a prophylactic.

A prophylactic?

Before you make that face, let me explain.  Prophylactic is a term that is usually used in relationship to condoms and birth control products–the prophylactic is meant to prevent situations (STDs, pregnancy, etc) from happening.  Medically, it means to administer medications for symptoms that may arise, but haven’t yet. 

Let’s go with that.

I would rather stop you from having a bad relationship, than get you out of a bad relationship.  Now the short answer is that I can coach you in both.  But I am more excited about giving you the tools to avoid such a situation, than coaching you, kicking and screaming and crying, out of a situation that isn’t working for you.  For those you who don’t know this, coaching is isn’t cheap, and it is a process.  So, if you find yourself in need of help, but perhaps a little fiscally challenged, then this is for you.

So…once again, I have to mention my new book, “The Book of Bye!” And again, I have to tell you that I wrote this book so that you can have yet another tool to help you decide if he or she is the person you should be involved with.

That’s how I prevent you from getting in a bad relationship.  That is why I am a prophylactic.  I am protecting you from (well, I am attempting to protect you) from bad relationships.

Get it?

See how easy that is?  And, just for the record, this isn’t any ordinary dating advice book.  I have taken 12 scenarios from my personal dating and relationship coaching experiences to give you real-world rationale to apply to your present, and perhaps even future, dating adventures.  If you follow the instructions in this book, your days of whining about the loser you are dating are OVER!

In fact, your relationship resolution for 2012 should be to STOP whining and START winning…and winning starts with adding this book to your arsenal. Period.

But, some of you will read this and go get the book, and others of you will think that $9.97 is too expensive and you want something free.  If you want something free, then sign-up for a sneak peak of the book on the homepage.

Now for those of you who are ready to be empowered and actually do something different, I will see you on December 18th–book in hand–at my Bye Club Book Club event.

The choice is yours…choose wisely.

P.S. The title of this article is Bye! You! (get it?)

Never Can Say Good-Bye!

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Just admit it.

Admit what?

Admit that you aren’t strong enough to leave.  Admit that you’re willing to put up with interesting situations, and incessant discussions of the same thing without resolution.

It’s okay. 

You’re not alone.

It’s hard to end a relationship, even if it’s not working.  You’ve put in all this work and you expected some sort of a payoff.  A committment, a spouse, maybe just a drawer in the bedroom for your things…something.  So now, you feel a little bit like you should stay and see this thing through, right? Make sure that it’s run it’s course–you owe it that (or rather you think that you do).  But again, you are not alone.

I cannot say it enough.  We are not supposed to have bad relationships.  We are supposed to be able to avoid people who are not in the same place we are (I call the places, “Carnal, Communal or Committal”) and we are supposed to have the strength to let go of the people who show themselves unworthy of us.  Now when I say unworthy, it makes sound as if it has to be a big deal.  But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be a big deal.  In fact, if we would pay more attention to the little things in our relationships, we might be able to avoid the big heartbreaking thing that ultimately ends this relationship, and shatters your faith in love, the opposite sex, and the ability to ever give that much to anyone else ever again.

Did someone say, “things?”

How do you assess the little things? Well, you can go through the painstaking process of talking to your friends, family and even the Twitterverse, or you can just get my book.

There’s a book about this?

Yes, and I wrote it.  I wrote it to help you stop wasting your time with people that are going to break your heart and ruin your life (if only for a moment).  And, guess what, I didn’t just include ONE little thing…there are TWELVE little things in this book, plus a chapter on how to end it–if that is what you decide you need to do.

You will be strong enough in no time!  I promise!

Guess what I called it?

The Book of Bye! (Seriously…that’s what it is, so why not just call it that).

Look, I know the reason why you can’t say bye, and you know the reason (or reasons) why you can’t say bye.  And no matter what the exact reason is, this is one moment that you can take to figure out what you need to do.

…and I will be right beside you.

In paperback.

For more information on “The Book of Bye!” click here.

Stronger…better…wiser…THANKFUL!

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Today is Thanksgiving Day! So, most of of are going to celebrate this day with people that we care about (or at least have to act like we care about them), and eat things that you will lament about later.

However, just allow me to take a moment and tell you that I am thankful.  While I am thankful for the good things like friends, family, etc., I am more thankful for the relationships that failed, and the lessons that I learned from those experiences.

I have been privileged to be the relationship coach for a select few of you in the Twitterverse, and I know that it’s the mistakes that I have made that drive me to be the best relationship coach…ever! So, I have to thank the people who made me passionate person who I am.  No, I won’t list them by name, but I am thankful for them.  Coaching allows me to bring both the good and bad of my relationships resume to building a relationship with my clients.  But without the issues, dilemmas, situations and drama, I couldn’t offer my clients a person someone who is committed to their relationship success.

So…that’s why I wanted to take a moment and thank the losers and misguided individuals who made being me possible. 

But seriously, I am thankful, and on my way to something meaningful because of them.

Have a marvelous Thanksgiving!

xoxo…

Coach Steph
Thankful to be a Best Dating Coach Finalist, idateawards.com…Please vote for WhatTheLove.org here.

I am “Keeping it Real With NeNe!”

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This last Celebrity Love Note is dedicated to NeNe Leakes.  The loud mouth “Housewife” whom Bravo saw fit to make famous continues to do her level best to make my good black woman stock plummet.  In the midst of it all, she is now going through a divorce, and so this love note is written in hopes that other newly divorced individuals do not make the mistakes that I believe she is on the verge of making, among others.

My take:
NeNe’s marriage was allegedly destroyed by fame.  Now, that doesn’t mean that her husband was perfect.  I actually believe that he is a clear demonstration of her father issues, and the need for control, but I digress.  This marriage may have stood a chance if the Real Housewives franchise hadn’t come a’calling, but it’s not the show, it’s the fame that NeNe has received courtesy of the show that is the start of the problems, in my opinion.

But fast-forward to the present.  NeNe and Greg are separated and my assumption is that divorce proceedings are going to be taking place.  Note: Taking place.  They are not divorced…yet.  While some would tell her things such as, “the best way to get over one man is to get undera new one,” this is farthest from the truth.  In fact, this isn’t the time to get over anything, it’s time for you to figure out your role in the breakup of this marriage (how many times have I said this this week).  And furthermore, this is not the time to date…anyone…for any amount of time.  Sorry, sweetie, but you are still married.

Now, I understand that you have dysfunction all around you.  Cynthia’s farce of a marriage is enough to make anyone think that if you do better than that, then you’ve done okay; however, don’t be fooled.  We all saw your tirade regarding the treatment that you’ve received in this marriage.  But, NeNe, I doubt severely that you know how to be a wife.  If you treated your husband even remotely as badly as you have treated some of your co-stars, and fellow Apprentices, I can say with all conviction that being married to you was no walk in the park (more like a walk over burning coals).  Besides the stripper-esque sexual prowess that you’ve bragged about, what else did you bring to the table besides a child and a need to get out of Athens, Georgia?  As such is the case, perhaps this marriage was doomed from the start–TV just expedited the inevitable.

If she were my client:
I’d need a Valium.  Ok, let’s be fair.  If NeNe Leakes came to me for relationship coaching.  I would take away her ego, and put a muzzle on her.  Not literally.  However, NeNe has to learn how to communicate like an adult woman, or she doesn’t have to worry about relationships–platonic or romantic.  I believe that she wants people to prove that they love her by walking through fire, and not getting burned.  That’s quite a fete, even for a Cirque du Soleil cast member, but I truly believe that is what she desires.  For those without fire-walker capabilities, there’s NeNe’s Worship Club.  These individuals exist to answer her beck and call and maintain her ego.  The President of the Worship Club? You guessed it, Cynthia Bailey.  We’ll see how that relationship works out in the coming weeks. Hmmmmm…

Now, the fire-walking mandate is just plain ridiculous.  No one can live up to those standards.  No one has lived up to those standards.

Until we (she and I) can push through these unrealistic relationship expectations, NeNe shouldn’t even think about dating.  She should keep her focus on acting dignified through the divorce, and being the parent that her children need.  Not being “rich;” not buying $9 million homes in Miami; not appeasing her fans with over-the-top theatrics, and not criticizing everyone in Atlanta, but crying “haters” every five minutes.

I need her to do better.

What we can all learn from this:
Separation is not divorced.  Getting divorced is not divorced. Let’s be clear.

What else we can learn?  Our mouths can kill every relationship that we have.  There is no way that anyone can convince me that NeNe hasn’t unleashed hers on her soon to be ex-husband.  But beyond that, we should all learn that we should pay very close attention to the behaviors of the people in our lives, before we become involved with them. 

Men: If the woman you’re involved with has no problem telling people off, guess what, you are not immune to receiving the same treatment (please share this with Lamar Odom about his beloved Khloe).  If that’s not an attractive proposition, then don’t get involved.  If you want to test the theory, then let the first time she emasculates you with profane or insulting words be the last time.  This is not something that gets better.

Women: Being the girl who will tell everyone off is amusing, but it’s not attractive.  A real man will not be attracted to your ability to cuss everyone out at the drop of a dime.  I realize that you are a strong woman and want to let people know that you don’t put up with anything, but consider working on how you deliver such messages, and only “go there” when the situation truly calls for it. If you are around people who always seem to push you to that point, then get some new people in your life, and leave this dysfunction behind.

In the end, we have to respect each other–words and all.  Otherwise, we are all doomed to walk the path that NeNe is walking right now. And even in the cutest Louboutins, its not a journey that anyone wants to take.

Plonk!

For The LOVE of Demi?

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The Celebrity Love Notes continue, and as another relationship bites the proverbial dust…I am here to give you some real considerations to avoid the mistakes you see in today’s headlines.

My Take:
This relationship had a good foundation.  Ashton seem to assimilate seamlessly into the Moore-Willis clan, and and Demi’s new physique didn’t hurt Ashton’s ego on the red carpet.

Now, I always picture Demi Moore emascualtingAshton beyond reproach, because at some point she knows that she could be his mother, and no amount of Kabbalah (or whatever she does) will change that.  Ashton, while a good Midwestern boy, can only take so much, and I think that this intolerance is what we see manifested in the now pending divorce for this A-list couple.

Well…that and something about the paparazzi and another woman…tsk-tsk.

If either of them were my client:
First of all, Demi and I have somethings to work on because this is her third marriage.  She is old enough to know what she wants in a relationship, but is still failing at marriage–which means that it’s not all their fault.  She, like my good friend JLo, might have some similar issues when it comes to understanding the purpose of marriage and how to sustain one.

Additionally, I need to confirm my suspicions about her ability to make a man feel like a tiny, little, impotent boy before she leaves many more casualties in the wake of her post-Ashton singleness.

One last thing, we have to establish is that she, nor Ashton are single at this point.  As I have told you before breakups and divorces are likened to death, and this is a time of mourning.  Matters not what he did, or she said, or she did, and he said, this relationship must be grieved and time must be taken to heal from it. Period. 

Now Ashton seems like a good guy.  He’s got good Midwestern roots, and an amusing personality.  If you’ve seen his pre-Demi modeling footage, then you know he’s not hard on the eyes either.

So, Ashton, what’s the problem here?

Ashton hadn’t been married before Demi and this isn’t a good or a bad thing, it just is.  But something has changed this 6-year relationship, and I need to know his role in those changes.

Once we establish what his present mistakes, and mis-takes have contributed to the failure of this marriage, we’ll look to the future.  I would probably give him about 6-9 months to get himself together and then start doing some Connestions (my version of  “matchmaking”) with mature, non-celebrity women his own age.  Emphasis on his OWN age.

What we can all learn from this:
We can all learn that marriages are challenging.  Ashton recently tweeted, I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK”  If such is the case, and you cherish the time, why did you do anything to bring this to an end.

Understand that there are some things that should end a marriage, and some things that are challenges we should overcome.  We have become too spoiled with our relationships, and in the process, are ready to diss and dismiss at the slightest sign of trouble.  We have got to be committed to our relationships. 

Now, it’s not fair for me to judge the fault in this relationship, because I know neither of these individuals personally.  However, if they didn’t make a valiant effort to save this union, then both are at fault. If they’re getting divorced over an issue that existed prior to the marriage, then they shouldn’t have gotten friggin married!

Again, marriage is a MAGNIFIER of what is right and wrong in a relationship (Coach Stephism).  Nothing changes because you got married, it just becomes a bigger joy or a larger P.I.T.A.

So, we say farewell to the couple known as Demi and Ashton.  No more sappy tweets, and group red carpet pics…it’s all over now.  But since the two of them will soon be running around Hollywood making new headlines, I hope that they both get themselves together.

Oh yea, I won’t miss those tweets!

LOL!

Celebrity Love Note No.3: Oh Jenny!

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So..today I am speaking “to” good ol’ Jenny from the Block…check it out!

My Take:
This whole marriage concept is totally out of hand.  It seems as if Jennifer Lopez uses marriage to her advantage.  The first mistake is using it to her advantage.

 I don’t know if many of you know this, but a marriage is supposed to produce something positive in the world.  Not just children, but actually greatness.  Sum of you two, should be greater than your parts.  So, to use it to your advantage, is not the correct use of the institution.

 It is very irresponsible to continue to enter into a union that doesn’t last.  At some point, you have to admit that it’s not all about them.  You have some definitive fault in why these marriages aren’t working and going the distance.  Are you choosing the wrong men?  Is marriage just something you do? Do you love weddings?  What is the problem because clearly, there is one.

 Now that’s not to say that the individuals Jennifer marries are perfect.  But, really did the Latino busboy (AKA Hubby Number One) stand a chance?  That poor man was thrust from plastic runners to red carpets with a short period of time to adapt to the change, and when Jennifer’s career took off, eventually the marriage was left in the dust.

Some would say there is a pattern here.

If she were my client:
We would have to look very closely at these relationships before they were marriages, and explore why she thought this guy was husband material.  After discovering that answer, I am pretty sure that we need to explore her expectations for a husband, and if they are realistic.  We’ve all heard the stories of J-Lo’s outrageous performance riders, and perks for her entourage, it is possible that she asks outlandish things of her mate?  Does she think it’s over if he misses a 10 p.m. curfew?  Or if he doesn’t draw her bath at 81.3 degrees exactly?  Of course, I am over exaggerating (at least I hope that I am), but if anything remotely similar exists then we need to nip these things in the bud.

I also want to explore her vision for a marital relationship.  What are her beliefs about marriage founded upon?  What role does she play in bringing the vision to pass?  I will be whipping out all kinds of tools on Jenny from the Block…from Relationship Wheels to my beloved SWOT Analysis, I am going to work her until I get to the bottom of this nonsense.

 What we can learn from all of this:
Marriage is not something to be taken lightly.  Additionally, it is not something to be taken at all if we are not with someone we can see going old with.  One of my favorite tweets reads, “people are not getting divorced because marriage doesn’t work; they are getting divorced because they never should’ve gotten married.” 

Don’t be yet another person who engages in this new concept of marriage: the hobby.  You have to realize that marriage goes back to the Garden of Eden.  And if Adam can get over Eve talking to that snake and bringing him some bad fruit (with some pretty serious consequences), then we should be able to create marriages that last and overcome the challenges that two people inevitable will face when they say, “I do.”

Then again, maybe you adore Jennifer and see no problem with her getting married and getting divorced.

THIS JUST IN: I just read that it’s speculated that Marc Anthony and Jennifer’s divorce is over the educational plan for their twins—translation: what school the twins should go to?

 Seriously? 

 Well, perhaps the fourth time is the charm.

 Good luck, chica!