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Love seems to be the easy part. People are falling in and out of love every day, and most have no clue why. But there are others who, despite everything that is wrong with a “loving” relationship, have decided that love alone is the reason to stay–and mind you, some people are being treated really badly. While the thought of staying committed to the love you have for this person is admirable, and is right up there with enduring a marriage that is failing for the sake of your children…the truth is…love may not be enough, and here are a few reasons why.

Reason One: Love is not synonymous with respect.

If the person that you love doesn’t respect you, then that is a problem. When your memories of this special person in your life are littered with thoughts of their cheating activities, their lies, and even their bad habits, and the negative effect that they have on you, this is not about whether you love them, this is now a question of whether you love yourself.

Do you?

Reason Two: You may love them, but like them? Eh.

CONFESSION: I spent a long time with a person that I loved, but didn’t like. While some people will say that love is more important, like is the glue that holds things together. When I like you, it means that on a basic human level, I think you’re a nice person, a great guy or girl, and that you’re friend material. Being friend material, and having a friendship within a romantic relationship is optimal.

Reason Three: They do not love you the way you should be loved.

This is usually the problem that most people encounter when they love someone, but the relationship is not quite right. Just because someone claims to “love you,” that doesn’t mean that they know exactly what that means, or what it means to you. There are entire programs, like the 5 Love Languages, that try to show people what love language they actually speak. Some, like me, prioritize quality time, while others gifts or words of affirmation. If the relationship works, but something is a little off–this may be a place to start. However, if the relationship doesn’t work (this means that you spend more time crying than smiling), then there is a bigger problem. It’s time to sit down, perhaps use my SWOT Analysis Tool, which is in The Business of Dating to figure out what is going on. (Click here to get the tool.) When someone doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved–with respect, friendship, honesty, giving (of their time, energy and emotions) and commitment–that is not something that should be ignored, nor is it something that will go away. It is a serious situation that requires a response.

In conclusion, it just must be said that love is not enough for a relationship to survive and thrive. Sometimes we have to admit that and move on. However, whatever you decide, do what’s best for you, and be encouraged by the lessons this situation has taught you. There’s ALWAYS a lesson.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Recently I encountered a random question on Facebook about being with an inconsiderate person. The question was, “how do you handle this?”

My response was, “that’s not the right question.” (At least that is the first sentence…)

Look at what you are asking. You, considerate person, are asking how to deal with someone who is the opposite. But, based on the question, it is quite clear that you have no affinity for this behavior; however, for the sake of having a relationship…you are inquiring how you should “handle” it.

Reason Number One: You are not putting yourself first. Now, I’m sure this is not a new phrase, people say it all the time. Here’s my take: putting yourself first doesn’t just mean loving yourself and holding yourself in high esteem. It’s also about knowing your boundaries and sticking to your dealbreakers. It’s about observing a person’s behavior, BEFORE you decide that they are worthy of sharing a relationship with you.

Got it?

Reason Number Two: You’re doing ordinary things, and expecting extraordinary results. No matter how good you are, at whatever “kinky” acts you bring to the table. If you haven’t noticed, that doesn’t stop them from treating you badly. Why? Because what you’re doing is no different than the last person. The sex…the catering…whatever you’re giving them, they have had that before. But since you’ve convinced yourself that you are special (and you are, just not because of that thing you do), you’re expecting them to be mesmerized by those acts. Ever considered doing the opposite of what the other or previous person has done. Hmmmm…

Reason Number Three: There are no consequences. People will continue to engage in the behavior that you reward or allow. While I am not a fan of the “make them pay” mentality, I also think that it is ludicrous for someone to hurt you and then you turn around and lavish gifts and affection on them. If nothing else, this person should know how you feel, because you CALMLY and NICELY let them know that you don’t appreciate ___________. Too many people sit in silence and excruciating pain in an attempt to keep their relationship. That’s a price that is too high.

Reason Number Four: YOU LET THEM! You handle the inconsiderate behaviors; you tolerate disrespectful words thrown your way, and as long as you do…this is what you will receive.

If you were at a store and someone kept bringing you items that you did not want, would you just take them, PAY for them, and leave the store? No, and if you did, people would think that was ridiculous.

Now, here’s the big question: You knew all of these things before you read this article. Now that your suspicions have been once again confirmed, what are YOU going to do? You are worthy of better, you deserve better, and if they cannot do better, then you have options. I encourage you to be a wise person and choose what is best for you.

Don’t live in the situation that you just read about. Learn more about The Relationship Firm and what we can do to “fix” your relationship.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

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