3 Reasons Love May Not Be Enough

Posted on October 8, 2013August 6, 2017 by Coach Steph

Love seems to be the easy part. People are falling in and out of love every day, and most have no clue why. But there are others who, despite everything that is wrong with a “loving” relationship, have decided that love alone is the reason to stay–and mind you, some people are being treated really badly. While the thought of staying committed to the love you have for this person is admirable, and is right up there with enduring a marriage that is failing for the sake of your children…the truth is…love may not be enough, and here are a few reasons why.

Reason One: Love is not synonymous with respect.

If the person that you love doesn’t respect you, then that is a problem. When your memories of this special person in your life are littered with thoughts of their cheating activities, their lies, and even their bad habits, and the negative effect that they have on you, this is not about whether you love them, this is now a question of whether you love yourself.

Do you?

Reason Two: You may love them, but like them? Eh.

CONFESSION: I spent a long time with a person that I loved, but didn’t like. While some people will say that love is more important, like is the glue that holds things together. When I like you, it means that on a basic human level, I think you’re a nice person, a great guy or girl, and that you’re friend material. Being friend material, and having a friendship within a romantic relationship is optimal.

Reason Three: They do not love you the way you should be loved.

This is usually the problem that most people encounter when they love someone, but the relationship is not quite right. Just because someone claims to “love you,” that doesn’t mean that they know exactly what that means, or what it means to you. There are entire programs, like the 5 Love Languages, that try to show people what love language they actually speak. Some, like me, prioritize quality time, while others gifts or words of affirmation. If the relationship works, but something is a little off–this may be a place to start. However, if the relationship doesn’t work (this means that you spend more time crying than smiling), then there is a bigger problem. It’s time to sit down, perhaps use my SWOT Analysis Tool, which is in The Business of Dating to figure out what is going on. (Click here to get the tool.) When someone doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved–with respect, friendship, honesty, giving (of their time, energy and emotions) and commitment–that is not something that should be ignored, nor is it something that will go away. It is a serious situation that requires a response.

In conclusion, it just must be said that love is not enough for a relationship to survive and thrive. Sometimes we have to admit that and move on. However, whatever you decide, do what’s best for you, and be encouraged by the lessons this situation has taught you. There’s ALWAYS a lesson.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

New From @godsbutterflykw: Relationship VIP

Posted on October 26, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Twitter is all a buzz. Entertainment news shows are reporting. Magazine after magazine is covered with the same headline. Who cheated on whom? Who’s dating whom? Breakup shocker! Are Rihanna and Chris Brown really back together? Jaws dropped at the news of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman’s split up. And every week we rush to the nearest information source for the latest on Rob Pattison and Kristen Stewart. Why are we so obsessed with the love lives of these people we don’t know? We learn about their lives in sound bites and the scroll of the ticker tape. Surely there is something or another relationship perhaps, we can be concerned with.

It’s been suggested that we get so caught up in the entertainment love news as an escape from our own ‘stuff’. I wonder how much we’d really care if we were busy taking care of ourselves. Oh, I don’t know turning the tube off and spending that time learning more about ourselves; rather than dissecting who and why of which celeb should be with whom. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy star gazing as much as the next person. What if we took the time to love ourselves as much as we spend the time worrying about their love lives maybe we wouldn’t have time to do so? Make sense?

That got me to thinking. What do we, can we do to work on the most important relationship we have – our relationship with our selves. I am the VIP of my life after all! Aren’t you? ABSOLUTELY! No? Let’s look at some ways to o ascend in our personal VIP (PVIP) status.

Window Cleaner. The first step to reaching optimal PVIP status is to get clear about who you ARE and who you are not. One of my favorite lines from the movie, The Color Purple, is “…Harpo who dis woman?” While the question was being asked of a male, the point is to get in your own face and really look at the person staring back at you. There was a time when I didn’t/couldn’t see myself. I couldn’t see all the wonderful things others were saying about me. The time came to sit with who I thought I was and who I thought I was not. Where did those ideals come from? Were the inherited or self-imposed. Once I got clear about the woman in the mirror (feel free to jam your Michael Jackson in the background), I could move on to the next step.
Permission Granted. Give yourself permission to choose you. Put yourself back at the top of your (never-ending) to-do list. That’s not selfish. It’s necessary. This will be new for some and a reminder to others. You’ve heard the parallel of the in air safety review, that instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first. It truly is just that basic. You can’t be your best in any relationship capacity (personal, romantic or professional), if your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual oxygen level is low. It’s like running a computer that needs more bandwidth – it just doesn’t function at its best. So, how do you add more energetic bandwidth to your life? Think things that will simultaneously a) benefit you directly, b) give you peace within and c) cultivate your body, mind, and spirit. Do things that say I LOVE YOU – to you! Think of it as courting yourself.
Un-Cuffed. All too often we are bound by I should, I have to, and Yeah but. Saying no to what we feel obligated to or pressured by is not a bad thing. No is actually a beautiful word. It only has two letters and rolls smoothly over the tongue. The thing is sometimes we get so used to saying no, we look up years later and realize somewhere along the way we started saying no to ourselves; in addition to saying those things that feel heavy and don’t feed our spirit. You probably won’t come out of the gate shaking your Yay Me! pom poms. It’s a journey. And you may have to remind yourself. That is perfectly okay. Feel free to repeat as needed.
Add Three Cups of Joy and Stir. What makes you happy? What brings you child-like giggle joy? When is the last time you did something that added joy to your life? If it helps, think back to what you enjoyed as a child. I remember coloring, gold fish and playing in the water. I still love being in water to this day. Every chance I get, I play in the water. Recently I went to the local pet store to learn about fish. I’ll be adding a small fish tank to my office (a tad different from the single gold fish I had as a kid). Every now and then I still color. Yes, in a coloring book! Don’t judge me –lol. Seriously, what things make you smile from the inside out? It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Keep it simple. Don’t overthink it.

Becoming your PVIP is a learned way of life, not taught to everyone. Some of us need a refresher course. Wherever you are on your PVIP journey, you are not alone. There are others on the same journey and luckily for you, you have me (smile) to help you on the way!

Have questions or just want to share part of your journey? I’m an email away at chiefheartwranglerr@whatthelove.org.

Remember, if you don’t define you, someone else will. And that’s too important a job to leave to just anyone.

X’s and O’s

Kimberly Moore: Isn’t It Time to Live A Better Story?

Posted on July 10, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

Isn’t it time to LIVE a better story? I recently wrote about Allowing for Loss – Finding Life and Love. It was a weighty, but necessary topic. Can I be honest? I really wish there was another way to get to the other side. I mean does it really take losing to gain? I have earnestly searched and tried to find another way. There just isn’t one that ends in true fulfillment. But after you get on the other side, I have found a better story to live.

Why continue to live the same old story and get the same old results? Life is about living and being (or experiencing). Ladies, we can sure “do” a lot. We plan well. We multi-task well. We get things done. The news flash for us is life is more about living and being. In all of our doing, we somehow forget to be, to experience and breathe in the things around us. And being is really what we were created to “do” best – be open, be vulnerable, be loving, be life-giving, be fun, be smart, be interesting, be playful. As women, the very thing that attracts people and opportunities to us is ironically what we avoid most. Why? Could it be that it’s not valued, and people perceive them as weakness?Most of us want to tell a better story about our lives, although telling our story is more of an external experience. It’s also pretty safe. But to live a better story, you are invited to take the risk to be and show who you really are from the inside out. In the past 20 years alone, we’ve gotten access to “do” more. And we have – maybe too much. It’s great. It’s exciting. But it costs us too.Let’s change that. Over the next few weeks, may I extend a challenge to you to work on your story? This will not be a “how to” get the love of your life, 9 steps to being the woman you want to be, etc. It is simply an invitation to a process of exploring, or even discovering, what may be eluding your experience as woman:

Love both receiving & giving
Intimacy
Authenticity
Being honest with yourself and others
Communicating who you are and being heard, understood and affirmed
Settling the matter that you are good enough – period
Having a hope that doesn’t disappoint – that you can and will experience healthy, loving relationships.

Feeling a little excited? Or little overwhelmed about the whole thing? That’s ok. Remember this is an invitation. And like any invitation YOU get to choose to accept, decline, or even resist and ignore it. For these next weeks to really matter you are asked to engage with your whole heart, that part of you that allows you to “be” the woman you want to see on the outside. When resistance comes, tell it no. It’s very important to decide to be open to what may come or you may just find yourself reading another good blog post. Rather a good blog post that might help you LIVE a better story for your life and love. Are you ready? What do you have to lose…more life?

Let’s Go…

– Show quoted text –

How to KNOW if they like you?

Posted on May 14, 2012October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

It’s an age-old question, asked by daters young and old. Driven by a desire to be with someone who genuinely cares for us, we find ourselves asking, “does he/she like me?”

Well, they might. (Wasn’t that profound?)

What you have to keep in mind, is that he or she may be asking the same questions about you. So, if in the event that you are too chcken to ask (it happens), here’s a few signs that might help you draw a conclusion. However, these signs are not foolproof, and at the end of the day, I highly recommend asking the individual. It may be a tad awkward to ask such a question, but rather you be a little uncomfortable now, then two months from now.

So, without further ado, here’s a few things to consider…and I hope this helps.

Considerations when you first meet them…

Are they attentive when you’re speaking?
Guys….did she give you her number when you asked?
Girls…did he ask for your number…and call?
Do they ask you questions about you?
This is pretty much all you need to know. If someone likes or is interested in you, then they want to get to know you. Guys always seem to miss this cue. If a woman is not asking questions about you, she’s not trying to get to know you. She may be polite enough to listen to you talk, but if she fails to inquire about you beyond your name, age, and occupation (vital stats, if you will), then that’s a sign. Take.
Do they seem comfortable* around you?
Squeemish could be nervousness, yes. But down right discomfort probably comes from looking for an exit door that is either not close enough or far enough that you’d notice. Especially for a woman, comfort is key to being with anyone.
Has the word date been mentioned?
And, if so, did they respond enthusiastically to the suggestion, or was it like winning a dollar from playing the lottery?

*Creating a comfortable environment may include: 1) Excluding your dirty jokes 2) Not discussing politics, religion, or any other possibly controversial topic. 3) Excluding numerous comments about their looks, beauty, body, job, income, SEX or anything else that would could be considered an questionable (this means you look like a stalker-in-training).

Considerations for the date…

Again, are they attentive?
Do they ask questions about you?
Do they seem comfortable?
AND one more…When you mention going out again, do they say yes?
While I realize that this may go without saying, there’s a little more to it. I legitimately mean, do they say without hesitation or any pause whatsoever, “YES!” After the yes, should come the plan. If she says yes, but there is no plan to meet you in an intimate setting–just the two of you–consider this case closed. If there’s a yes, and then she commits to a date, or to giving you a date, then you might have a shot.

While I realize that this article, may seem a bit cliche’ I also know that sometimes we need to be reminded of how dating works, and we need to understand that it’s not that serious (for the most part). We will like and dislike numerous people in our single lives, and the truth is, if they don’t like you, then keep moing forward until you cross the path of someone who does.

#bearockstar
#Love100

Are YOU Loving Yourself Enough to Make Someone Love You?

Posted on May 7, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

It hurts when someone doesn’t love us back. Many of us have tried and tried to receive the love that we’ve given willingly and enthusiastically only to draw the conclusion that our love is indeed unrequited.

However, there is a love that we have to address if we ever hope to be happy, and that’s how we love ourselves.

Believe it or not, you may be the reason why the love you seek has yet to find you. This statement is not intended to make you feel badly, but it is intended to make you think.

When you love yourself, you become empowered. You have an energy that makes people want to be in your presence. Additionally, when we love ourselves, we set standards for ourselves and expect people to not only meet, but exceed them.

If you’ve ever settled, accepted anyone’s nonsense, given passes when you should’ve been kicking a**es, then you have been guilty of not loving yourself. Make no mistake, I have done it, too. In fact, it cost me 10 years of my life, and it’s a key reason that I became a relationship coach.

Many times, we avoid conflicts and situations in relationships because we don’t to seem overbearing or domineering. But, understand that asserting your needs, and expectations is a huge part of communicating what you think about yourself. If you never speak up for yourself, then it tells your significant other what they should think about you. It also shows them what you think of yourself.

Light bulbs go off….right…about…NOW!

By the way, this concept also holds true for friends, relatives and co-workers. Every relationship in your life is governed by the high (or not so high opinion) that you have of yourself. I am not saying that you should become an arrogant prick, but I am saying that you should take a look at yourself and really fall in love with the person that you are.

REALLY!

Now, if you need a little help, you can learn how to be a rockstar with me. In fact, I hope you will come and hang out with me because I am ready to show you just how much you rock!

Even if you don’t believe it right now.

Of course, if you do believe it, there’s nothing like hearing it again–and I am more than happy to oblige.

In conclusion, loving yourself is not simply an option, but it’s a mandate. How do you know when you’re loving yourself enough to make someone love you? When you know (emphasis on “know”) that you deserve the best and you refuse to accept anything less under any circumstances…

…and no matter how hot he or she may be! 😉