Cast of Little Women LA Season Five

Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told One of the Little Women

Posted on by Coach Steph
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We heart Little Women!  Tonya Banks (aka “Little Boss) is one the big stars of Lifetime’s hit reality show, “Little Women: LA.”  Recently, Tonya became obsessed with marrying her longtime on-and-off-and-on-and-off live-in boyfriend Kerwin.  Kerwin and Tonya share an adult daughter, and after 20-something years of dating and mating, he moved from Texas to California to give Tonya the committed relationship she FINALLY figured out that she wanted from him.  Emphasis on FINALLY!

So what’s the issue?  Tonya wants to be a wife, but doesn’t act like one.  Period.  Little Women: LA is chock full of large personalities and Tonya is one.  As an independent woman (, she is used to doing things her way.  Okay, we get it, but you’re way is not the married way.  In fact, she said in a recent episode that she is not going to change her ways until she knows that this is forever.  In watching her, I see a self-centered individual who is afraid of true vulnerability because it hasn’t paid off in the past.  Self-protection makes sense, it’s a basic animal right, but it doesn’t quite make you wife material…sorry, “Boss.”

Thinking that you’ll magically become a wife when you get married is almost laughable.  And, it’s definitely the wrong attitude towards the situation.

TTonya Banks, star of Little Women LAonya, do you really think that this man is going to put a ring on your finger to incite you to change?  We caution women about this all the time, so why should a man not be entitled to the same stance on this issue?  If you want to be seen as a wife, then you should act like one.  You already live with the man, so clearly you have no problem with giving milk without being a cow that is owned–or however the saying goes–so don’t try to get belligerent about needing a ring in order to act like a wife.  “I’m not going to act all wifed up,” she says…hmmmmm…

Tonya is also not listening.  She is quick to tell her fellow Little Women stars that she wants to be married.  But she is not quick to listen to what Kerwin is saying on the matter.  Ultimately, Tonya is lucky to be with a man who is telling her what is lacking in their relationship pre-nuptials.  In doing so, he is giving them a chance to resolve their issuesssssss.  Additionally, while she is campaigning for wifedom, she tells the camera that she is still waiting for the shoe to drop (aka from them to break up…AGAIN).  So which is it?  Even Kerwin feels as if she is not fully committed…and that is a real problem.

As a client, I would talk to Tonya about her vision for being a wife, and what she hopes to gain from being married.  It seems that there are some very idyllic thoughts behind her desire to be married, (especially as the only Little Women: LA cast member who is not “all wifed up”) and it’s best to get to the bottom of those before you stroll down the aisle and say “I do.”

#StephHasSpoken

Beautiful image of letting go

Why You’re Not Letting Go

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Letting go.  Two words that are tossed around like they are easy to do.  Inevitably, we will have enough relationships in our lives that sometimes we have to consider letting go of relationships…even if only for a season (or two).

While it’s easy to say the words, it’s not easy to do.  Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care, or that you have someone else that you’d rather be close to.  Letting go means that you no longer want to put energy into the relationship.  So, for the sake of your own edification, consider the following reasons why you are not letting go.

There’s something that you have to do.  Sometimes when we cannot let go, there’s a really good reason: there is something that we have to do for this person, for ourselves, or for the relationship as a whole.  Maybe it’s a prayer or days of prayer, or maybe there is something that has to be said.  Whatever it is, honor the feeling that you have and seek out what you have to do…then do it.

You always let go.  Many people have what’s commonly known as “the gift of goodbye.”  This gift allows one to bid anyone a fond (and FAST) ado when they are not behaving as the gifted one feels that they should.  This giftedness is actually a control mechanism, and when we are easy or eager to let people go, there will come a time to teach an old dog new tricks.  And this new trick is not letting go because you want to exert control over the situation that is bugging you.

You don’t know how to “let go.”  Does letting go mean that you delete their number, block their number and act as if the person has disappeared into the a black hole in the middle of the Universe?  No.  Now, others may say otherwise, but letting go doesn’t have to have malicious intent.  If you’re not a mean person, or if letting go feels “mean” to you, then it behoove you to examine what letting go means to you.  Sometimes letting go means that you talk to your journal instead of talking to other people.  Sometime letting go means a total moratorium on discussing the situation with him/her/them, and spending more time doing things that you love…for you.

Another article on Letting Go from WikiHow

Lastly, one of the reasons that you are not letting is because you don’t want to.  When someone comes into your life and they mean something to you, you put energy into that relationship.  When the relationship is unfruitful, you still put energy into it because the person matters to you.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

If you take nothing else from this little “ditty,” then take this: Let go when (and if) you want to.  If this relationship (platonic, romantic, familiar, etc.) means something to you, then you need to process it and its value in your life.  If it still serves you and you see a pot of gold at the end of a currently muted-color rainbow, then by all means, be true to you and honor your intuition.  However, if you’re being emotionally bankrupted by this connection, then it may be time to put your energy on the shelf and grab a massage…and perhaps a margarita…or green tea.  You get the idea.

#StephHasSpoken