He’s (or She’s) Not Relationship Material

Posted on September 24, 2013April 4, 2017 by Coach Steph

He’s sweet, kind and even super nice when the opportunity presents itself. You find yourself wondering if he could be the guy that you’ve been hoping for, despite the fact that he’s never made an advance nor seemed all that interested. Nice, but not really “interested.”

But he could be the one…right? Or, at least the one for right now, yes?

Well…Sadly, no.

Take the fact that he’s never made an advance to heart. It’s not that he’s not interested, it’s that he is not, I repeat, not relationship material. This is not a cliché, this is a reality.

So, what does it mean, he’s not “relationship material?” Great question. Not being relationship material means that this person is not ready nor willing to invest the effort necessary to initiate or to maintain a mutually beneficial romantic relationship. Yes, this does apply to people in friendships, but people are more apt to put more effort into making someone romantic relationship material–so that’s the angle I am coming from.

Now, most people believe that this is a fact that can be changed. Many people believe that if they make enough of the effort for the person, that they will eventually pick up the slack because all they need is someone to care for them.

Again, no.

This person has made a decision to avoid relationships. This is why he, or she, is nice but not pursuing you. Don’t delude yourself into believing that you can change their mind. For whatever reason, they are deeply committed to themselves, and that’s their priority. If you choose to make the effort to change their mind, you are only setting yourself up to be disappointed, aggravated and often frustrated with the fruits of your labor.

Consider the possibility that perhaps they’ve recently been hurt–deeply hurt–by someone who they trusted. This hurt created such pain within them that they decided that they needed to take a break…to heal. Or, perhaps they just realized that all their relationships are ending badly. They’ve decided to get to the bottom of this cycle, and to do so means stepping away from starting a new romance–at least for now.

Now, you are in their life, hoping and wondering that this may become “something.” Honestly, it might…but not right now.

The best thing that you can do is to respect this person’s decision to take time to heal. That is the best thing you can do.

Not try to convince them how awesome you are.
Not attempt to care and love them into being obligated to start a relationship with you.
Not lecture them about what they’re missing out on (this means you) because they are guarded or cautious.

Just respect the decision, and be the friend, confidant or best buddy that they need now…if you can handle that. If you can’t, then care about them from a distant. There is another option: you can wait them out. But, seriously, do you have that kind of time?

Really?

You will avoid many, many moments of sheer confusion if you accept the fact that he, or she, is just not relationship material. If you choose to do anything else but accept it, then let me know how that works out for you. I am willing to be wrong–but I don’t think that I am.

Bottom line: Accept it…it’s ok.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

♥ Avoid bad relationships when you get FIRM. www.TheRelationshipFirm.com

Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told Evelyn Lozada About Chad Ochocinco

Posted on September 17, 2013April 3, 2017 by Coach Steph

With the new season of Basketball Wives, we are now forced to relive the saga that is the short-lived marriage of Evelyn Lozada and Chad Ochocinco.

First things first…this relationship started off with a major handicap. When you sleep someone on the first date (or very early in the dating process), you lose the ability to learn more about the person. Now you’re just looking for more sex–especially if the sex is good.

Secondly, Evelyn ignored some key signs that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband. In my honest professional opinion, Chad is a nice guy, and while I believe there is more to the “headbutt” story, the truth is that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband. Now, post-incident, she spends much of her on-camera time with therapists and getting her life “fixed” (you know what I mean). However, I humbly ask the question of why wasn’t this time spent pre-nuptials with the both of them working to put this relationship on a viable path-if one existed? Evelyn is a beautiful woman, however, wisdom is what is most needed when choosing a mate. Take heed.

If Evelyn was my client, I would tell her that choosing a boyfriend and then deciding if that boyfriend can be a husband is a process. And, in order to make that process work well, physical intimacy has to be left put of the equation, and the emphasis should be placed on getting to know each other and assessing how this person’s past has affected them. There has to be a certain amount of diligence when learning about someone, and again, when sex is one facet of the relationship, learning about the other facets becomes a real challenge.

When someone you are interested in shares tales of tragic childhoods, deadbeat fathers, dead end relationships, and the like, you don’t have to disqualify them, but your antennae should go up and your new mission is to learn how these past occurrences affect them today. Do they hate women because of something their mother did? Or is their definition of manhood based on the teachings of a “rolling stone” father? This is important! It’s even more important than how great they are in the sack, or how successful they are. These are the hard questions that no one wants to ask. But if you’re considering this person for the rest of your life, then that is nothing to take lightly.

What anyone can learn from this situation: Just as I “told” Kris Humphries, there were signs before you walked down the aisle that this union may not have been for you, or may not have been ready to become the relationship that you want it to be.

Marriage is serious business. We’re talking about two people, becoming one, and making a covenant with Divine power. People have minimized it to a pre-nuptial agreement and something that a divorce can get you out of, but don’t be confused by the trite behavior displayed by popular culture. And, don’t get trapped or caught in a situation that could’ve been avoided with diligent investigation and dedicated time spent communicating INSTEAD of consummating.

Now, if they decide to reconcile, there are major issues that should be dealt with…but I will address that in another article.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Disclaimer: Just so it’s clearly stated, Coach Steph has not nor is currently working with Evelyn Lozada or Chad Ochocinco. This article is simply a professional perspective on how the elements of this relationship can affect others, as well as what others can learn from this incident.

3 Reasons People Lie to the Ones They Love [LATE NIGHTS WITH COACH STEPH]

Posted on September 16, 2013September 20, 2013 by Coach Steph

As a relationship advocate and relationship professional, I’m becoming increasingly annoyed by the lack of honesty in relationships. And, I am sure that you agree with me.

The worst offenders are those who lie in the name of love.

So, in true “Coach Steph” style, here are three reasons people lie to the ones that they love.

Reason one: they are wussies. Don’t be offended if this pertains to you, the truth is that it pertains to many human beings at one time or another. Periodically it seems easier to lie–by admission or omission–instead of to face the reality and speak the truth! Ultimately, we all need to man up (or woman up) and be people of true integrity.

Reason two: the truth will hurt the other person. Ummmmm duh! But a quickly discovered untruth hurts more. If we truly care about NOT hurting the people in our lives, then we have to be truthful. And, better yet, we have to make decisions that will not put us in the position where we feel lying is the solution to the dilemma. This includes: not going places you’ve both agreed to not go to; talking to people who may cause strife or confusion to enter your relationship (this goes double…err, triple if you are married.) You get the point…honor your relationship. If you can’t honor it, then let it go…now that’s the truth!

Reason three: the truth will rock your world! Sometimes we have to be honest, but in doing so, everything will have to change. This covers everything from having to start or stop a relationship, more specifically, cutting people off; to deleting numbers; to accepting that you and this person are now priority. So many times, this is the reason that the truth cannot come to light. And, that it doesn’t come to light. But, again, when you love someone…the truth has to take priority. The truth may change everything, but what’s the alternative? Living a lie is painful, and ultimately leads to undeniable unhappiness. Referring back to reason one…stop being a wussy.

Now, if you are guilty this is your chance for redemption…if you love, like, hate, resent, need, care for, or need to break up with someone…tell them, period. This game of lies and fallacies is for kids. Grownups should operate in total transparency at every opportunity. Time is not promised. How would you feel if someone you love didn’t know the truth? Would you regret not telling them? Would you wonder how things would have gone? If any of this matters, then stop with the excuses.

Let the truth set you free!

♥ Avoid bad relationships when you get FIRM. www.TheRelationshipFirm.com