Are The Kardashians Ruining Your Love Life?!

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Photo Courtesy of The Daily Beast

They seem to be everywhere! The misguided (or unguided, depending on your perspective) brood of the late power-lawyer Robert Kardashian are perhaps stalking you.  But, what you didn’t know is that Robert, Khloe, Kim, Kourtney, and Kris might be ruining your love life.

Hopefully, you only see these individuals as a source of entertainment; however, if you ever remotely thought about taking them seriously, then here are a few reasons why these “reality stars” could be not only taking up precious real estate on your DVR, but also ruining your love life.

Robert, Jr.:
First of all, Robert is not a bad guy, but I recommend that you set your dating sights beyond a cute face, and a questionable wallet.  Rob, like many men is getting his life together (I hope), and while it may be tempting to be a passenger on his train, since of course, all he needs is encouragement from the right woman *sarcasm*, don’t do it.  And while you might not be pining over our fair Rob, this goes for other men in his situation.  Let a man be a man, and if he’s not being A man, then consider the possibility that he cannot be YOUR man…at least not right now.  It’s important that a man be able to stand on his on own two feet–otherwise you might have to carry him.

Khloe:
Where do I start?  A ten-day courtship and now it’s shocking that this marriage has challenges.  Love at first sight is a myth (unless you have just given birth).  When people want to have a life together, it requires time.  Time allows you to see beyond the newness of your shiny relationship, and into the reality (no pun) of what this person brings to your table.  I don’t doubt that Lamar is a nice guy, but with an interesting dating track record (and I will just leave it at that), Khloe should’ve given this relationship time to grow and mature before saying I do.  So what am I saying?  Take your time.  Rushing to the altar almost guarantees that the honeymoon, and then the marriage, will be over sooner than you think.

Kourtney:
If this young woman was the average girl in an American community, she’d be considered a random, run-of-the-mill “babymomma.”  But because she has fortune and fame, society overlooks the fact that she has two children out of wedlock.  Let me take a minute and warn the men who might read this that women like Kourtney are not the type of women you want to date, nor mate with.  While she’s cute, she is a demanding brat, who acts more like poor Scott’s mother than his lover–YIKES! While, I understand that he has made some dumb decisions, if it’s so catastrophic that you have to mother your man, then it’s not worth it.  Let him go, and for go measure, don’t tether yourself to him forever as the mother of his children. Voila!

And last but not least…

…KIM:
I will probably dedicate a Celebrity Love Note to her, as did for her NOT YET EX-husband, Kris Humphries.  My apologies if you thought that she was divorced…she is not.  The saddest part of her relationship life is not that she and Kanye procreated (while that is very sad), it is that this woman hasn’t stop dating long enough to learn from the failure of her past relationships, nor to even get divorced.  At some point, we all have to take responsibility for the roles that we’ve played in relationships that didn’t work, or are considered our own personal, “epic fails.” But we cannot do that if we continue to date through breakups and separations.  Take time to heal.  The person who said that, “the best way to get over an old man is to get under a new one,” is lying to you.  This is how you become confused, vulnerable and, possibly knocked up.  Kim is a young woman with severe issues.  Fellas…also take heed to this one.  Don’t let the size of her assets persuade you to be with someone who is not ready for a real relationship.  This will not end well.

Well, those are just a few of my thoughts on how The Kardashians are possibly ruining your love life.  If you after reading this feel that it’s beyond time for you to get your life (and love) together, then take a peek at our new low-to-no cost coaching and mentoring programs.  If you’re being a little, “Kardashian” I promise not to let you stay that way. (Smile!)

Until then…

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Give ‘Em a Break!

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Hey folks,

Here’s another installment of making sure all of your relationships are tightened up. Remember these posts will not only give you insight on how to deal with a significant other, but deal with others who are significant (which will in turn help you with your significant other).

Review

So I’ll be brief in my review. Last month I simply made it a point not to be a doormat in dealing with the people in your world. The reason why I said that was when you do this you fall short of the standard necessary to be the best thing anyone’s ever seen. And you ultimately polarize yourself against the “Category #3’ers (see previous post).

Now for this month’s lesson…

What are the dangers of losing Category #3’ers? Let’s be real here. Not even your Category #3’ers are going to be perfect. Sometimes they are not going to meet your expectation levels. Well if it be your significant other, a good friend, or a mentor, you get upset at that. Then you get upset with yourself. Then you get angry at them. Then you just have a whole bunch of angry in your business. But, have you ever stopped to wonder why you were angry? What you were angry at? What was really going on with that person?

If you didn’t even ask these questions, you’re very angry. This is what happens…

Unmet Expectation Levels, Wounds, and More Trouble

Well, if you find yourself all around fussity because of something someone did or didn’t do, chances are you’ve been wounded. A wound is mindset that prevents you from reaching the fullness of what you are supposed to be. If you don’t want your rockstar to crash, it is best to undergo a greater discernment to find a greater understanding of what you are dealing with. That way you can figure out what’s the matter. Maybe you’re the issue. Maybe they are the issue. Maybe it’s circumstance. Either way, you know FORGIVENESS is a great way to go to release that pain. Because with unreleased pain then it becomes part of the mindset.

Think about it like this…let’s say you’re in a dating relationship with someone. You REALLY like them and most of what they do but they don’t call you as often as they like. Do you let that person go because they aren’t doing everything they you want them to, or do you love them beyond their shortcomings? Of course some things you aren’t supposed to put up with, especially if they are behavior patterns. However, if you leave them over something like that, that you could forgive them for, and love them through…what next? Those feelings aren’t a light switch are they? And even if you move on to the next person, how will you react when you see your ex in the store, or the mall, or on the street. You may be civil but somewhere in your gut you feel sick a bit don’t you?

You know that saying it’s “cheaper to keep her”? Well that’s true the most in this regard (whether it be a girlfriend OR a boyfriend). Just not worth the drama You’re not over the last person so you can’t show how awesome you are to that new person…next thing you know you got three miserable folks.

Don’t do it, don’t be a doormat, but don’t be a relationship tyrant either!

Until next time!

New From @kymoore1: Say Yes! Campaign – What the Heck?!

Posted on by Team TRF
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Your ‘Say YES!’ campaign begins with a “What the Heck?!” attitude. This attitude gives the feeling that what you’re about to do will be light, casual, and a bit thrilling.

Remember to ‘Say YES!’ means you want to

1) Say YES! to Hope Again
2) Say YES! to Seeing Your Life with New Glasses
3) Say YES! to Changing the Conversation You Are Having with Yourself
4) Say YES! to Knowing How the Story Will End. Surrendering All of the Endings of Your Stories and Be Intentional About It.

[adsenseyu6] So What the Heck?! Here we go….here are some everyday opportunities to “Say YES!”

  • At Starbucks, standing in line ~ Say YES! to saying hello to the person in front or behind you
  • While walking down the street, you notice someone who interests you or you noticed someone has noticed you. Say YES! to make direct eye contact for 10 seconds.
  • At the checkout, Say YES! to the cashier to asking how their day is going and appreciating their help
  • At the gym, Say YES! to the person who cuts in front of you getting into the class or walking in the gym. Let them go first.
  • You’re in conversation to a friend, co-worker or family member, Say YES! to not evaluating or judging them or comparing yourself. Change the conversation you are having.
  • Someone invites you to go or do something you would normally say no to ~ Say YES! Go and decide in advance you are going to have a good time.

What the Heck?! It always seems impossible until you do it. The key is the power of your ‘Yes!’ in the small things and big things in your everyday life.

So what will you Say Yes! to this week?

New from @KingdomKid725: Are YOU Being Walked on?

Posted on by Team TRF
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[adsenseyu2]

Intro and Review

Hey everybody!

Last month around I put a lot of emphasis on this gold standard in regard to how you want to build a relationship. I put particular emphasis on those even the closest to you. However, before we go into that, let’s review.

Everyone you know will fall into one of these three categories:

1) Those who wish to do no more with you but exploit and abuse you for their own selfish gain.
2) Those who have your best interest but not the best data to convey their wishes.
3) Those connected to a higher standard and want to do right by you just because you are you.

Got it? Well think about it like this. If you have a co-worker that falls into category #1, you can distance yourself…and leave work at work (we’ll talk about that concept a little later). If you have some sort of casual acquaintance, or someone you’ve only known for a set amount of time, you can boot them on out of your business.

A New Quandary

Well, what if you have someone in Category #1, or even Category #2 and they are your homie? Or your BFF? Or worse yet, your mother or father?! Yes there are dysfunctional family dynamics out there, and left to themselves, those dynamics will only produce after themselves. Well, you know you have charge to live your own life, but you’re supposed to love your parents right?

So what the heck do you do?

Well, there’s a difference between servanthood and what I like to call “doormat’ism”. Servanthood is doing things for folks and putting your all into it because you want to see them become the best thing anybody’s ever seen with zero strings attached (this would make you a Category #3’er in their lives). “Doormat’ism” is when your entire life revolves around what they want.

I want to briefly talk about why this is BAD from two perspectives:

1) Anyone you date will be dating your family and NOT you. Don’t be that person who is apologizing for who you date. No you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone uncouth, but even if you are you don’t owe your parents/family an apology for that in of itself. Understand that it’s bad, get out, learn your lesson, and move on. Even your significant other is on the up and up (and they are a “Category #3’er”), sometimes your folks may not approve. In these cases, you gotta stand up and put your foot down. While this has to be in love, it does have to be. Otherwise….

You know cult followers? They “followed” someone too.

 

2) You deliberately follow short of that higher standard I keep yammering about. And I yammer on it because that higher standard works. Your mother, while she loves you, doesn’t know tomorrow today. Your dad, who may just want you prepared for the world, wasn’t around when the foundation of the world was laid. While they may know more than you practically, that doesn’t mean that (1) you’re no less an adult or (2) you have less access to the higher standard than they do. Get your own mind and be the best thing anyone’s ever seen. [adsenseyu7]

You don’t want to follow anything blindly but that higher standard to get to that commission that you’re here for.

Remember this, know what you follow, as sheep tend to get slaughtered. Will this kill you here? No, but you won’t be much of rockstar following any PERSON blindly either.

Until next time!

New from @kymoore1: Your “Say YES!” Campaign

Posted on by Team TRF
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So how do you and I start Living A Better Story? Isn’t that what you and I want? We’ve heard all of the concepts and to-do lists. We’re read everybody else’s story, which is often written AFTER they are on the other side and it is all pretty. Well, that’s not me, and that’s not my story. I suspect that is not you story either. Personally, I’m into more sensible things I can start in the here and now to get me going.

The first sensible place, and I would argue the best place, to start is to begin your very own “Say YES!” campaign. Not just getting up and starting a new day with another resolution and disciplining yourself with another behavior that usually doesn’t end up lasting. Rather it is about investing in a profound change of your heart, one that starts in your head with a clear decision, and drifts to your heart.

For instance it is not “I’m not going to call him today” or “I’m not going to think about what is happening or going on right now.” Okay, okay….maybe it is “I’m going to pray, go to church, go to counseling, etc.” These resolutions are all really good things to consider, and will even contribute to living a better story for awhile.

However, this campaign is more real and realistic as a first step if you DECIDE, before there is enough proof, to decide to:

1) Say YES! to Hope Again

2) Say YES! to Seeing Your Life with New Glasses

3) Say YES! to Changing the Conversation You Are Having with Yourself

4) Say YES! to Surrendering All of the Endings of Your Stories and Be Intentional About It.

These four decisions will serve as a premise, something that helps support a conclusion, and is considered to be true for the expressed purpose of experiencing a better story. This part is particularly hard for the thinking women out there who want something more practical to do!

This “Say Yes” campaign can help you change your very thinking one decision at a time to find hope when you feel hopeless. It can give you new lenses from which to view your life when the same scene appears. It can change the devastatingly negative, insecure conversation you have with yourself on a daily basis, and if you are anything like me I bet you have lots of conversations going on.

“Say Yes!” campaigns have the potential, if you let it, to end the madness of watching the same movie of life over and over with the same characters replaced with different faces and story lines.

Have you even seen Groundhog Day, the movie? It’s hilarious! Bill Murray, a reporter, gets up to film Punxsutawney Phil, a groundhog, let the world know when winter is over and spring is here. He’s got a mad crush on Andie McDowell, his producer. Once he figures out the same maddening story is happening day after day, he finally chooses to change his mind and go about his day to affect a different outcome. What’s even crazier it is an entire 2-hour movie!

What am I saying? I am asking you to think about a heart change. We don’t get a chance to do our lives over each day like Bill Murray, but we do have a choice today. Will you begin your “Say YES” campaign today or continue to be stuck in the same scene tomorrow?

Next time ~ The Everyday Opportunities to “Say YES!”

askcoachsteph: what about your friends?

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Steph,
I need your help! I started seeing a girl and she’s amazing! We’re moving at a pretty good pace, not too fast or slow…it works for us. Of course, we’ve have a few issues, and I told my a buddy of mine, and it was no big deal. Now, it seems that everyone else has something to say (I guess one buddy told another and so on), and I am tired of it! They keep reminding me about my ex, and she was crazy, I know, but this girl is not like that.

How can make them stop bothering me?  I appreciate that they care, but I think I am doing a good job of handling the situation on my own.

PLEASE HELP!

-BFM

[warning] Use the advice below at your own discretion.  WhatTheLove/Coach Steph promise no outcomes, but provide the following response for entertainment and educational purposes ONLY. (The Legal Department has spoken.) [/warning]

Dear BFM,
Wouldn’t you know that I just finished screaming that I wish everyone would leave me alone about a certain situation? (Which is why I had to answer you this week. LOL!)

Our friends usually mean well, but sometimes it is too much to deal with. While you didn’t state the “issue,” I am going to assume that it wasn’t major enough to warrant termination of the relationship, nor is it a “Book of Bye” type of situation. As such is the case, telling your “buddy” your concerns is fine, but for everyone to have an opinion, that’s just too much.

So here are your options:
Tell everyone to get off your back!  While this sounds drastic, there is a way to CALMLY and NICELY let your friends know that you do appreciate their concerns, but that they also must not bring the Ex into the Next.  Whatever happened before, is not happening now, and even if there was an issue, as long as you can return to a healthy relationship, then everyone should just chill out.

Put up with this nonsense in silence! Now this may seem easier, but it’s not.  As you suffer in silence, your frustrations will find an outlet–which may be your relationship.  There’s really no reason to put up with the intrusion of others’ opinions and advice, unless you want to do…which if you wanted to, you wouldn’t have reached out to moi, right?

Take their feedback as gospel, and run the risk of ruining your new relationship.  This is different from suffering in silence, because it means that you are silently agreeing with them.  Sure, our friends have seen us through a fair share of relationships; however, that doesn’t give them carte blanche to remind us of our mistakes at every turn.  If you begin to believe whatever they are telling you, you will surely begin to sabotage this new relationship, just because it seems easier than being wrong.

I don’t know what you’ll choose, but I’d like to offer you a little help with my Be a Rockstar video (and here’s the link, because I like you :D). The Be a ROCKSTAR program talks about boundaries and who to let into your VIP area. Get the idea?  So, if there are at least 3 people who are getting on your last nerve…then this is the program for you.

Ok, so now you’re equipped to make some choices…choose wisely.

Xoxo,

Coach Steph :-X

AskCoachSteph: I Said I Didn’t Care…But I Do.

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Coach Steph,
I was dating this guy for 6 months, and everything was going great. But, we never said that we were exclusive, so, I started seeing someone else.

Anyway, now I am confused.  I still like the first guy more, but he found out that I was seeing someone and we had a big fight.  I told him that I didn’t care what he thought about me seeing the other guy…but I lied.  I really wanted him to say that he wanted to be with me, but I was too scared to say that, because I didn’t want to say it out  loud.

HELP!  I don’t know what to do know.

I Care…da** it!

-D.P.R.

[warning][/warning] Use the advice below at your own discretion.  WhatTheLove/Coach Steph promise no outcomes, but provide the following response for entertainment and educational purposes ONLY. (The Legal Department has spoken.)

Dear DPR,

As someone who has tested many, many men, the truth is that you know EXACTLY what to do…you just have to muster up the courage to do two things:

  1. Decide that you are okay with WHATEVER the outcome is, when you go back to Guy #1 and tell him that you want to be with him.
  2. Decide to go back and tell him–not text him, not email him, but call him up, and make time to tell him what you feel face to face.

When we like someone, we all seem to goto mush.  We seek having the upper hand, in a situation where there are no winners or losers.  Admit it, the real reason that you started seeing the other guy was because you wanted a reaction from Guy #1.  You got a reaction when he got upset (make a note of that), but you remain confused because he didn’t say what you want him to say in the heat of that moment.

Too many RomComs….I know…

It’s okay I’ve been there.

The best solution here is what I call the Communication Situation.  It requires you to do 3 three things:

Thing One: Be humble

Thing Two: Be HONEST

Thing Three: Get the whole story

Be humble because you have to eat little crow.  You know you went out and flashed your “I am a big, bad single chic badge” and made a bit of a stir.  But it’s okay.  When you call, be quick to apologize, and ask (not demand or require) that they schedule some time to speak with you.  Remember, you have to be okay with the outcome (see my earlier statement), so if he doesn’t want to meet with you, then don’t press the issue.  Just reiterate that you are sorry, and leave it there.  Call it woman’s intuition, but I do believe that he’ll want to speak with you…keep me posted.

Be HONEST.  This is NOT the time to be coy or cute about what happened, or about what you want.  Honesty is the best policy.  So, once you set this date, show up, explain briefly, and then be honest about what you want from this guy.  It’s that simple.  All he can say is that he wants the same thing…or not.  Either way, you will cease being confused about how this situation will work out for you.

Get the whole story.  If you are not cute or coy about the situation, then this may not be a problem.  However, I will say this: If you want to know if Guy #1 wants to be with you exclusively, then ask that EXACT question.  Do not ask him trite or trivial questions, such as, “do you miss me?” “have you thought about me?” and other things that truly don’t matter in this moment.  All that matters in this moment is that you get a complete answer to the question that you have.  If his response leaves you wondering, then clarify…again GET THE WHOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE STORY!

In conclusion, don’t beat yourself up.  As women, we live (especially our love lives) as double agents.  Strong on the outside, but ooey and gooey on the inside.  As such is the case, sometimes we say and do things in an effort to preserve our strength and to avoid being vulnerable.  As I told you in “Why Don’t You Act Like a Man…” we are emotional creatures…it’s okay.  The man that loves you will embrace that part of you.

Now, all that’s left to do is to pick up the phone…are…you…ready?

Keep me posted…it’s Snuggleville or bust!

Xoxo,

Coach Steph 😉

Ready for a (Relationship) Revolution?

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Me and Charles had a blast! Join in “the revolution!”

Dating is like interviewing for a job: You keep your best foot forward, make the best possible impression and hope they don’t see any of the flaws that make you YOU. So does that mean dating is like business? As a wrap-up to Charles’s month-long Online Dating Intensive, Charles discusses the business aspects of relationships with Stephanie D. McKenzie (aka “Coach Steph“), certified life coach and author of The Business of Dating: Traditional Business Principles for your Modern Dating Life! Get to know how you are presenting yourself, establish early boundaries, and read early red flags. Don’t miss this episode!

Listen here.

All the #SingleLadies…

Posted on by Coach Steph
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I have held my tongue long enough!

After being repeatedly disappointed in the second season of the dollar-store version of Sex and the City, known to most of you, as “Single Ladies,” it’s time to make some things clear…

Single Ladies is doing its millions of viewers–who are largely female– a huge disservice.  Not only are these characters void of executive level careers, it seems that their every dating move, must culminate in some version of sex, which usually creates a even more dysfunctional relationship than what was occuring pre-sex.

In fact, all of the relationships on this show exhibit some level of dysfunction.  But, we continue to tune in because, for some, this is just life imitating art imitating life.

WTH?!

I was almost proud of the character played by Denise Vasi (Raquel) when she decided that she could date two different men.  However, my pride was dashed (no pun intended) to bits as she took the opportunity to bed one of them during the same episode.  Dating aint’ mating–consummating, that is–and as such is the case, should you follow the example of Denise’s character, you will end up just like she did…empty handed.

I won’t even go into the exploits of LisaRaye’s character, because the truth is that she is too old to be ungainfully employed, and driving the Ashton Martin her ex-signif bought for her.  While there are some of you reading this who think that is cute.  The truth is, she should be able to afford her own.  Her own Ashton Martin, her own house, and her own life.  But, that’s enough about that.

If you haven’t noticed, everytime one of these women engages in the sexual conquests, they are the ones that are conquered.  The lusts and passions of these characters are very true to life, and the outcomes of their decisions are very true to life, too.  If you continue to use sex as a toy, tool, plot, or powerplay, you will remain as these characters do: SINGLE.

It’s no secret that I don’t advocate for pre-marital sex–in my life, or in my practice; however, if you don’t want to ride that wave with me, at least be mindful of the fact that sex is nothing to play with.  It is nothing that you use to get or keep someone, nor is it something that is casual and without consequences.

Listen, relationships take time to build, and when you add sex before that foundation has been poured (and dried), then you leave yourself in a very vulnerable position.  I am not saying that you should implement a three-month rule, or some ridiculous RULE for when you will give your body to someone, I am saying that sex will change your relationship.  Done too early, it will change it for the worse.  Too early for me, if before there’s a hyphen in my last name; however, again, you may not want to ride that wave with me–that’s fine.  Just be clear about what you are doing when you are “doing it.”  And to make it clear, you are shifting the possibility of building a relationship on ROCK, to one that is built on SAND.  Have you ever seen a house built on sand? Nope–there’s a reason for that.

Bottom line…acting like a “single lady” will keep you a…(wait for it)

…single lady!

If that’s where you want to be, then carry on as your were.  If not, then perhaps you need to reroute the path that you are on, and let Raquel, April and Keisha be characters you watch, not people you imitate.

#CoachStephHasSpoken