Are YOU Loving Yourself Enough to Make Someone Love You?

Posted on May 7, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

It hurts when someone doesn’t love us back. Many of us have tried and tried to receive the love that we’ve given willingly and enthusiastically only to draw the conclusion that our love is indeed unrequited.

However, there is a love that we have to address if we ever hope to be happy, and that’s how we love ourselves.

Believe it or not, you may be the reason why the love you seek has yet to find you. This statement is not intended to make you feel badly, but it is intended to make you think.

When you love yourself, you become empowered. You have an energy that makes people want to be in your presence. Additionally, when we love ourselves, we set standards for ourselves and expect people to not only meet, but exceed them.

If you’ve ever settled, accepted anyone’s nonsense, given passes when you should’ve been kicking a**es, then you have been guilty of not loving yourself. Make no mistake, I have done it, too. In fact, it cost me 10 years of my life, and it’s a key reason that I became a relationship coach.

Many times, we avoid conflicts and situations in relationships because we don’t to seem overbearing or domineering. But, understand that asserting your needs, and expectations is a huge part of communicating what you think about yourself. If you never speak up for yourself, then it tells your significant other what they should think about you. It also shows them what you think of yourself.

Light bulbs go off….right…about…NOW!

By the way, this concept also holds true for friends, relatives and co-workers. Every relationship in your life is governed by the high (or not so high opinion) that you have of yourself. I am not saying that you should become an arrogant prick, but I am saying that you should take a look at yourself and really fall in love with the person that you are.

REALLY!

Now, if you need a little help, you can learn how to be a rockstar with me. In fact, I hope you will come and hang out with me because I am ready to show you just how much you rock!

Even if you don’t believe it right now.

Of course, if you do believe it, there’s nothing like hearing it again–and I am more than happy to oblige.

In conclusion, loving yourself is not simply an option, but it’s a mandate. How do you know when you’re loving yourself enough to make someone love you? When you know (emphasis on “know”) that you deserve the best and you refuse to accept anything less under any circumstances…

…and no matter how hot he or she may be! 😉

Elephants in the (Dating) Room…NOW LIVE!

Posted on April 6, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

C’mon “WhatTheLOVERS!” show BlackLoveForum.com how much YOU love Coach Steph! Click the link…be enlightened.

http://blackloveforum.com/the-elephants-in-the-dating-room-pt-1-s-e-x/

So, You Are Going to Breakup With Your Significant Other (GUEST BLOGGER)

Posted on March 6, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

So you have decided to break up with your significant other. There is a right way and a lot of wrong ways. Find out the things that you should do to minimize the hurt that is bound to happen for both of you. How to move on with a new partner. Breaking up is hard on egos. Learn how to correctly do this most difficult of relationship acts.

Five GREAT Reasons to Catch HIV

Posted on February 7, 2012October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

Let’s just jump right in…right after I say thank you to a good friend who helped me get this message out! “Thank YOU!”

Reason Number One: No one ever told you that you don’t have to have sex…period.

In every discussion I have ever heard about HIV prevention, the word protection is always used. But rarely do we give the options of abstinence and celibacy as additional tools to protect against HIV. Sure, we have to acknowledge that both the young and old engage in premarital sex, and such is the case, we tell both demographics to use condoms. But why not ALSO tell them that another option is to skip all of that and keep their goodies to themselves? Believe it or not, everyone is NOT doing it–nor do they want to.

Reason Number Two: You still think that it can’t happen to you.
How long will we believe in that rhetoric? I’m sure there was a time when those girls in high school–you know the ones– thought that they couldn’t get pregnant. But now, three kids and many years later, they know that they can. So…why contract this disease to prove a point? If you’re like millions who willingly or unwillingly engage in unprotected sex each year, then you’ve been lucky (blessed) to dodge this diseased bullet. If you are still choosing to have sex then you have to be mindful of how serious the act of intercourse is- whether you’re single or married.

Reason Three: You don’t want to offend anyone by asking their status.
What?! You’ve got to be kidding. You pride yourself on knowing their favorite color, hobbies, and 5-year plan, but asking their HIV status is overstepping some irrelevant boundary? Again, this isn’t just for single people…married people need to ask the hard
questions, too. Do you know how many people have NEVER had an HIV test? So, no matter how faithful they may have been, how many times they never cheated and whatever else they say about their past relationships, HIV and other STDs could still be in the picture…afterall, do you know YOUR status? Exactly.

Reason Four: You still believe that you’ll be able to tell if someone is sick or not.
Please stop the madness…HIV is not a cold. And even with a cold, how many times have you had one and no one could “tell?” You may have even had a virus or infection, but there were no signs. HIV and other STDs are the same way. At the end of the day, the only way to KNOW if someone has it is to see the test. So, before you pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to ask, ask yourself, did you see any proof?

And, just to add a little wisdom to that statement: Remember that HIV can incubate for up to 3 months, which means that if you see the results of their test today, you still need a to see another test 3 months from now. But again, you could always, “save yourself…by saving yourself.” That was cute…put poignant.

Reason Five: You’re using sex to get ________________________.
Life happens. But for some, life happens under duress. This may be shocking to some of you, but there are people who believe that they have to have sex to maintain a certain lifestyle. This goes waaaaaay beyond giving sex to get love, this is more about having sex to get your bills paid (and this is not just a statement regarding prostitution–know that); having sex because it’s the by-product of your inebriated activities, which allow you to maintain certain connections; having sex because it affords you something that is essential to your existence. However, just because you make these types of decisions, you don’t have to further destroy yourself by allowing these events to happen without protection. If these events (only) happen when you’re drunk, consider staying sober at all costs, and see what decisions you make then–you could be very pleasantly surprised.

In conclusion, I personally, believe in abstinence and celibacy, but if you’re engaging in sexual exploits of ANY kind, it might behoove you and your partner(s) to make a date at your local clinic and get tested. The five reasons above are stupid reasons to
contract this disease, and in the time it took you read this, approximately 50 more people in the US were just infected (per the 2006 statistics).

For more information or to speak with someone confidentially about HIV or other sexual health concerns contact one or all of the following agencies: AIDS Foundation Houston (www.aidshelp.org) at 713.623.6796 in or The Campaign to End AIDS (www.c2ea.org) at 877.363.2437 (END AIDS). To find a testing facility in your area, visit the National HIV and STD Testing Resource site (www.hivtest.org) and enter your zip. Don’t be afraid to find out your status-knowing is half the battle and the first step to waging war on this epidemic. For those of you who are unaware, today is National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day….and a great day to get tested.

And, in case you were wondering….HIV NEGATIVE–and yes, I have the proof!

So…Jimmy Put a Ring on it!

Posted on January 3, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Three words… MOR. TI. FIED!

Along with millions of viewers, I watched as Jim Jones proposed to longtime, live-in “wifey” Chrissy Lampkin on their popular VH1 Show, “Love and Hip Hop.”

The proposal caused emotional reactions throughout the Twitterverse, and just may have inspired millions of single women to take control of their situations, so that they too, could get a nice piece of ice on that special finger.

I saw the tweets and facebook statuses that were so happy for her. Some people were actually crying. There’s only one problem…

Keep reading…

Never Can Say Good-Bye!

Posted on November 28, 2011October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

Just admit it.

Admit what?

Admit that you aren’t strong enough to leave. Admit that you’re willing to put up with interesting situations, and incessant discussions of the same thing without resolution.

It’s okay.

You’re not alone.

It’s hard to end a relationship, even if it’s not working. You’ve put in all this work and you expected some sort of a payoff. A committment, a spouse, maybe just a drawer in the bedroom for your things…something. So now, you feel a little bit like you should stay and see this thing through, right? Make sure that it’s run it’s course–you owe it that (or rather you think that you do). But again, you are not alone.

I cannot say it enough. We are not supposed to have bad relationships. We are supposed to be able to avoid people who are not in the same place we are (I call the places, “Carnal, Communal or Committal”) and we are supposed to have the strength to let go of the people who show themselves unworthy of us. Now when I say unworthy, it makes sound as if it has to be a big deal. But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. In fact, if we would pay more attention to the little things in our relationships, we might be able to avoid the big heartbreaking thing that ultimately ends this relationship, and shatters your faith in love, the opposite sex, and the ability to ever give that much to anyone else ever again.

Did someone say, “things?”

How do you assess the little things? Well, you can go through the painstaking process of talking to your friends, family and even the Twitterverse, or you can just get my book.

There’s a book about this?

Yes, and I wrote it. I wrote it to help you stop wasting your time with people that are going to break your heart and ruin your life (if only for a moment). And, guess what, I didn’t just include ONE little thing…there are TWELVE little things in this book, plus a chapter on how to end it–if that is what you decide you need to do.

You will be strong enough in no time! I promise!

Guess what I called it?

The Book of Bye! (Seriously…that’s what it is, so why not just call it that).

Look, I know the reason why you can’t say bye, and you know the reason (or reasons) why you can’t say bye. And no matter what the exact reason is, this is one moment that you can take to figure out what you need to do.

…and I will be right beside you.

In paperback.

For more information on “The Book of Bye!” click here.

How I Know Jimmy Loves Chrissy

Posted on November 15, 2011December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Watching “Love and Hip Hop” last night, was a pretty taxing experience. I admit that I only became interested in the show after I saw last season’s heartfelt proposal by Chrissy Lampkin to long-time beau, rapper Jim Jones—with ring and all.

My Take:
First of all, I have been where Chrissy is. She feels that she has to make somethings happen in her relationship, and because she wants marriage, she felt that it was okay to propose. The truth is that if after 6 years this man is okay with sleeping with you, and sharing a life with you day in and day out, but has YET to explore sharing his last name with you, take that as a sign.

Chrissy is a strong woman, and beautiful one at that. I am not saying that she should leave him, but I am saying that she should love herself more than she apparently does. There is nothing like being in love with a man who doesn’t reciprocate the level of emotion that you have for him. Do I doubt that Jim loves Chrissy? Nope. Do I doubt that he’s ready (or willing) to be a husband? Well… The proof is in the relationship. Jim doesn’t want to be a husband, at least right now. These two are in different places in this relationship, and that means that actions have to be taken–by both of them.

Need more proof? The proof in the proposal…that she made.

Tsk-tsk.

And as if it wasn’t enough that she proposed. Jim looked at her tear-stained face and replied, “I got you.” Well, that’s the problem, isn’t? You have her, and are fairly convinced that she isn’t going anywhere, so why bother legitimizing this relationship? Now, Chrissy believes that they are engaged, and she continues to push this agenda into Season 2, perhaps believing that is she keeps saying it (or asking about it) that it will become a reality.

Really, Chrissy?

But, this I do know: Jim love Chrissy. He does. Jim loves Chrissy enough to be with her the last 6 years, call her his woman, enjoy all the perks of her being a live-in “wifey” but not enough to make her Mrs. Jones?

That’s not enough love for me, and I wish it wasn’t for her. But it happens.

Chrissy should realize that it doesn’t take a grown man 6 years to decide what he wants. If he wanted to marry you…he would’ve asked YOU.

Probably adding to this sitch is the fact that Jim’s (or Jimmy’s) mother, isn’t exactly Chrissy’s biggest fan, and that’s putting it mildly.

If she were my client:
I would have to get to the bottom of why she wants to marry this man so badly, that she would propose to him. Is this about the 6 years they’ve spent together, or is this about building a future together? I spent 10 years in a relationship, and I relate to having all the years together and wanting them to culminate in something meaningful.

Additionally, we would have to explore what she’s prepared to do if he doesn’t step up to the plate and become her husband.

We’re not issuing ultimatums, but we are defining what she needs and wants for herself. As much as Chrissy loves Jim, she shouldn’t have to settle for a relationship that isn’t fulfilling her. I don’t want her to go another 6 years and perhaps 2-3 children later, and realize that she’s made a grave mistake.

What can all learn from this:
There is no reason why a woman should have to propose to a man. I am sorry to burst your feminist bubble, but after everything we go through to love and to honor the special man in our life, to now add proposing to the list, just seems unfair.

It is a privilege to share a life with someone, and if you don’t think the privilege of sharing of life with you merits him asking for it, then that says something more.

Additionally, we have to be prepared to take drastic steps when we’ve created a situation that is difficult to get out of. If Chrissy didn’t live with Jim, it would be easier for her to exit this relationship. And, I would’ve done just that after my proposal was met with, “I got you.”

The ultimate lesson: You cannot make anyone be what they don’t want to be. It’s clear that Jimmy doesn’t want to be a husband, and if you think you’re unfulfilled now, just imagine what will happen if he takes on the role without being prepared to do so.

Take the hint, Chrissy…you deserve more, and if he won’t give it to you…then you have be prepared to do something different.

I wish you the best!

Oh yea…don’t replace that engagement right you bought, and he lost. (Just my 2 cents!)

Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told Kris Humphries…

Posted on November 14, 2011December 17, 2012 by Coach Steph

This is the first of five in my “Celebrity Love Note” in the series. I hope that you take my assessment of these high-profile situations and realize that it’s not just star-studded love that is in need of a makeover…we can all do better.

My Take:
Kris, you missed some clues that this wasn’t the union for you. While we overlook many things in the name of love, some things we shouldn’t turn a blind eye to. From the footage that I’ve seen and just a cursory understanding of who Kim is, it’s clear that she isn’t ready for a long-term relationship, let alone a marriage. One key indicator of this was her past relationships, including a marriage that you knew nothing about. My thought is that this isn’t the only thing that shocked you or made you question this relationship, but since the wheels were in motion, you just kept moving forward.

I truly believe that you thought this girl was the one for you, and for that, my heart goes out to you. However, there were too many factors present that had the potential to doom this relationship. From family debates about the validity of this marriage; to unanswered questions about your fiancée; and just way too many cameras chronicling it all. I never saw that Kim was your best friend, and I never saw that this was a union built on a solid foundation, and while it’s easy for me to say these things now, I am sure that in hindsight, you are now probably saying the same things, and more.

When a relationship ends, both people are at fault, so it’s not all about what Kim did or didn’t do. I fault you for not heeding the signs that said this relationship wasn’t viable—at least not in its current state—and for not being wiser in this situation, and doing what was best for you.

If he was my client:
Ok guys, I didn’t actually tell Kris Humphries these things, but I would. Keep reading. If Kris Humphries was my client, we’d have to develop a plan to help him realize the criteria for a healthy relationship. In the midst of this, I wouldn’t let him date for at least the next 6-9 months, because he has to heal from this loss. As I have told you, breakups are like deaths. We have loss someone that we love, and we have to take time to mourn that loss. Additionally, I would like him to set criteria going forward for a life partner.

What we can all learn from this:
First of all, marriage is a serious commitment. I say that it is a magnifier of what is right and wrong in a relationship. It won’t change someone’s behavior for the better and it won’t make the relationship stronger. It will take everything in your relationship and make it more noticeable and more pronounced. If you are ok with having the good and bad in your relationship—just like it is today—multiplied, then perhaps marrying this person is for you.

Now, we don’t know Kris or Kim (if you know Kris Humphries, bring him to me ASAP), but this relationship played out in front of millions on TV—to its detriment. Despite that, the parts that matter were magnified long before they say I do (or perhaps Kim only said she might for the next 72 days). Kris was unaware of key events in Kim’s past, like, err, a previous marriage, and this means something substantial. Regardless of the situations surrounding her first marriage, it should’ve been discussed with Kris privately prior to the family outing, and prior to the revelation of this occurrence being caught on camera for all of the world to see.

The cameras just made things worse. Not only is this debacle immortalized on film, but it makes us witnesses of moments that no one should have seen. Kim wants to blame the cameras for the reason she went through with this, but I think that Kim has some deep issues that must be dealt with before she can be anyone’s soulmate.

My goal as Kris’ relationship coach would be to make sure that he doesn’t become someone who is bitter and closed to the possibility of true love. Additionally, I want him to value himself and not jump into a relationship that doesn’t satisfy him and think, once again, that she is marriage material.

Back to what we can learn…

We can learn that it takes more than a great dress and a million dollar ring to create a lasting marriage. However, what we can also learn is that we have to do our homework on the people that we allow into our lives, and we have to do even more homework when we’re considering marriage.

The best question you can answer before you stroll down the aisle is, “what is the vision for our marriage?” Translation: How do you both see this working? How do we deal with situations? What are your expectations of me as a wife/husband?

We must stop settling for someone—or overlooking major issues in our compatibility quotient—just because they say yes to a proposal, or simply because they proposed. Consider marriage like a business merger, and the cardinal rule of mergers (per Coach Steph) is that we don’t join forces with any company who doesn’t make us stronger, better or richer (leave off the richer when dealing with people).

If you are going to share a life with someone, then they should meet (and exceed) your criteria for a relationship partner. That’s not rocket science…but many people are still failing at recognizing this basic fact.

The story of Kris and Kim should show you exactly what happens when we ignore the signs, and accept someone on the grounds of love alone…both of them should’ve communicated better, and we might’ve been able to avoid all of this. Instead they both seem to have settled, and now hundreds of thousands and a million-dollar ring later, they’re reflecting on the past instead of experiencing an amazing future together.

Last time I checked, forever is longer than 72 days…right?

Don’t make the same mistakes you just read about. Get my FREE SWOT Analysis Tool Now!

Your Online Dating Profile SUCKS! (and here’s why…)

Posted on June 27, 2011 by Coach Steph

Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

On June 12th, myself and my good friend The Dating Diva did a class on online dating and the do’s and dont’s for dating online. However, this class was very reserved and didn’t remotely touch on the things that I am about to say here. Because the truth is, some of you (yes, even you reading this) have some profiles that even your mother couldn’t love…Now this article is targeted to the guys, but it can be applied to the girls, so you are not safe…I am just not looking at you online.

Now, I know you want to know why that is…so here goes…

First: Your picture is ridiculous! Some of them are just down right attractive, but I’m talking to the ones of you, especially the males, that are sitting in your profile pic with your shirt off. Really, if that’s all you have to offer, then I am afraid that you have missed me, and a few other great girls with such behavior. We do not care about your washboard abs (at least not while we’re searching), and especially for someone over the age of 22, using such a picture says so much more about your character, or your lack thereof. So, in case no one has told you…let me be the first…put your *&%$ shirt back on!

Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

Second: idk y iam single bcoz i am a good man. Seriously? Why are you writing in text-ese on your profile? Of course, you list your profession as a Systems Analyst or some other accomplished position; however you have failed to form complete sentences in something as simple as an online dating profile. You probably didn’t think it was a big deal, but it is. Anyone who is remotely interested in you and WORTH (emphasis on WORTH) your time will find this to be absolutely ridiculous! How is it that a grown, single man with a professional position (or so he stated) cannot communicate on an adult level. A piece of advice: Be formal in your communications until the relationship allows for you to be informal. Using bad English, horrible sentence structure, lowercase letters, and text-ese is the equivalent of showing up to your job 6 hours late. No one cares why you are that late, and at that point, they no longer want to hear the explanation.

Third: I promise this is the last one, event throu I could go on and on and on. TELL THE TRUTH! The last thing anyone wants to encounter is someone who is jobless or homeless, but has a profile with a job and a living situation listed that are not accurate…If you are in a position in your life where you cannot take care of yourself, then why are you looking for dates? You don’t need a date, you need a job and your own address, thus, your energies are best focused on achieving those things BEFORE you start looking for a woman to “complete” you (too much Jerry MacGuire), and another conversation entirely. I hate to say it guys, but if you can’t present your current situation as one that someone who be okay with, then you probably shouldn’t be presenting it at all—definitely not to get dates. Now there are some women that thrive on having a man that they can control and/or fix, but that’s not what you want. In the end, perhaps the reason why you are single is because you need the time to get your life together, and as such is the case, I speak for most when I say, now please remove your profile from all dating site—you’re not DATEABLE!

Okay, stepping off of my soapbox…

If after reading this your dating profile still sucks, then click here.