Relationship Stuff: Why Sex Matters

Posted on by Coach Steph
Social Share Toolbar

It’s not uncommon for people who are dating to want to get to know each other. They spend time together and, hopefully, have a good time. Walking together, talking for hours, finding out silly little things we have in common.

Uh-oh.

Because usually when two people have a good time, they want to have a better time.  And, that “better time” normally means sex.

No big deal, right?

Wrong!

Sex is a huge deal.  It’s not casual or incidental.  It’s major!

Here’s why sex matters:
This is not the STD, pregnancy, blah, blah, blah.  You’re a grown up, and if you don’t know that by now that sex can lead to STDs and pregnancy, then just stop reading now…because the rest is going to BLOW…YOUR…MIND!

Ok, you’re still here.  So, here are a few more reasons why sex matters.

Reason One: You’re literally intertwined with another person
This is a big deal, and the part that most people over look.  For those 20 to may 60 minutes, you are one.  And, being one with someone that you merely like, don’t know that well, or simply wanted to have some fun with, can be detrimental.  You’re not just one with their body…you are one with their mind…their soul…AND THEIR ISSUES.  And the connection doesn’t end when the deal is done.

Gasps!

No wonder you became confrontational after your last rendezvous with you-know-who.  Because you-know-who loves confrontation! While they may have left a smile on your face, they also left a residue.

This is the part where you should be a wee bit grossed out.

Don’t worry….I’ll wait.

So, to keep this brief, I will stop right here, but I challenge you to take just 30 seconds before your next intimate moment, and consider what that person is really giving you.  And, if think they’re hot, but hate their attitude, consider that your about to open yourself up (no pun intended) to being the very thing you hate.  On the other hand, if you love their attitude, this doesn’t exclude you, because nice people still have issues.

Bottom line: This is just one BIG reason (out of many BIG reasons) why sex matters.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Microblog*: When all fails…PRAY!

Posted on by Coach Steph
Social Share Toolbar

Before you think I am doing my holy thing again…consider the following: You have been patient, kind, understanding, and the situation is no better than it was before you started such a campaign…right?  Exactly.  So, what do you have to lose by believing that just maybe there is a power greater than lil’ ol’ you who can make some change come about? Nothing.  At the end of the day, all you have sacrificed is a still moment and one whispered request.  And for those of you who don’t believe, you don’t have to sacrifice a thing.  Voila! #CoachStephHasSpoken

*Microblogs are brought to you in 140 words or less.  It’s our fun take on the Twitter 140 character limit.  You like?

Are you Ashamed? (It’s Okay if you are…)

Posted on by Coach Steph
Social Share Toolbar

You think about it all the time, and you wonder what has happened to the thing that used to bring you so much joy and happiness.  You’ve tried  to fix it, but it’s just not right.  You talk without resolution, and now you’re beginning to believe that you’re settling.  Your friends ask  how the two of you are doing, and you have no idea how to respond.  Do you tell them about your how unhappy you are, or do you continue to sing the praises of your privately dysfunctional relationship? Decisions, decisions.

Just admit it…you’re ashamed of your relationship.

It’s okay.

It happens in the best relationships.  Two people come together, and create a wonderful connection and begin to plan their future together.  It’s a healthy relationship.  Conflicts are resolved, and compromises are upheld.  This awesome pair soon hears the buzz of how perfect they are together and the inevitability of wedding bells.

It has worked…well…until now.

Now you’re confused.  And, while the relationship hasn’t changed drastically, you don’t feel the same way.  Perhaps some promises weren’t kept to your expectations, or some of your most recent discussions didn’t seem to merit the attention once given by your significant other.  In fact, you might even be wondering what you might have done wrong, or to this person to bring the relationship to this points.  Whatever happened…you’ve developed feelings of unhappiness…and again, it’s okay.

In order to push past this season of being ashamed, a few questions must first be answered:

One: Do you still want to be in a relationship with this person?  If so, then you may have to admit that the two of you need a little help.  I have to say that I find it odd that couples do not seek professional help when things are going awry. If you know that you are compatible (not just attracted to each other) and have hit a little rough spot, there is nothing wrong with calling in a coach, or counselor to help you…there’s NOTHING to be ashamed of. In one of my most recent mediations, it became clear that both parties were saying the same thing, but hearing each other differently. It is amazing just how often this happens.  Once I helped them hear each other, they were “fixed” and ready to get back to building a great relationship.  If you don’t want to be in a relationship with this person…then, stop reading, request information on my uniquely create breakup process, called D-Method, and let’s begin your relationship rehab, STAT!

Two: Have you been fair to this person? Have you been CLEARLY communicating your expectations and THEN holding your signif (significant other) to them?  Or, have you been expecting them to read your mind and act accordingly?  Sometimes we become complacent with our levels of communication, especially in a strong, long-standing relationship.  We believe that the other person can read our minds, and because of that, we become lax in our communications with them.  If you are guilty of this, there is only one thing to do…*pause for dramatic effect* …apologize.  Openly admit that this is what you’ve been doing, and how you think it’s been impacting the relationship.

Three: Is it time for a vacation?  Sometimes we all need to get away.  Away from work, life, the chatter of our friends and family members…just get away.  Stress impacts every relationship in your life, and if you two (or one of you) is not recharging his or her battery, it can become detrimental to the relationship.  Consider the case of a couple in my book, “The Business of Dating,” who were being impacted by his long hours and her desire to be flexible, but still a priority.  The stress and demands of his job were about to not only effect but terminate the relationship.  Don’t be a victim of poor work-life balance…pack your bags and get out of dodge!

As I said before, it’s okay if you’ve become ashamed of your relationship.  But, that doesn’t have to be the end of the love story.  Visit www.NoLoveLeftBehind.com and find a program that will help get you and your signif out of struggling and BACK into snuggling.  Trust me, it can be done.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

askcoachsteph: what about your friends?

Posted on by Coach Steph
Social Share Toolbar

Steph,
I need your help! I started seeing a girl and she’s amazing! We’re moving at a pretty good pace, not too fast or slow…it works for us. Of course, we’ve have a few issues, and I told my a buddy of mine, and it was no big deal. Now, it seems that everyone else has something to say (I guess one buddy told another and so on), and I am tired of it! They keep reminding me about my ex, and she was crazy, I know, but this girl is not like that.

How can make them stop bothering me?  I appreciate that they care, but I think I am doing a good job of handling the situation on my own.

PLEASE HELP!

-BFM

[warning] Use the advice below at your own discretion.  WhatTheLove/Coach Steph promise no outcomes, but provide the following response for entertainment and educational purposes ONLY. (The Legal Department has spoken.) [/warning]

Dear BFM,
Wouldn’t you know that I just finished screaming that I wish everyone would leave me alone about a certain situation? (Which is why I had to answer you this week. LOL!)

Our friends usually mean well, but sometimes it is too much to deal with. While you didn’t state the “issue,” I am going to assume that it wasn’t major enough to warrant termination of the relationship, nor is it a “Book of Bye” type of situation. As such is the case, telling your “buddy” your concerns is fine, but for everyone to have an opinion, that’s just too much.

So here are your options:
Tell everyone to get off your back!  While this sounds drastic, there is a way to CALMLY and NICELY let your friends know that you do appreciate their concerns, but that they also must not bring the Ex into the Next.  Whatever happened before, is not happening now, and even if there was an issue, as long as you can return to a healthy relationship, then everyone should just chill out.

Put up with this nonsense in silence! Now this may seem easier, but it’s not.  As you suffer in silence, your frustrations will find an outlet–which may be your relationship.  There’s really no reason to put up with the intrusion of others’ opinions and advice, unless you want to do…which if you wanted to, you wouldn’t have reached out to moi, right?

Take their feedback as gospel, and run the risk of ruining your new relationship.  This is different from suffering in silence, because it means that you are silently agreeing with them.  Sure, our friends have seen us through a fair share of relationships; however, that doesn’t give them carte blanche to remind us of our mistakes at every turn.  If you begin to believe whatever they are telling you, you will surely begin to sabotage this new relationship, just because it seems easier than being wrong.

I don’t know what you’ll choose, but I’d like to offer you a little help with my Be a Rockstar video (and here’s the link, because I like you :D). The Be a ROCKSTAR program talks about boundaries and who to let into your VIP area. Get the idea?  So, if there are at least 3 people who are getting on your last nerve…then this is the program for you.

Ok, so now you’re equipped to make some choices…choose wisely.

Xoxo,

Coach Steph :-X

Ready for a (Relationship) Revolution?

Posted on by Coach Steph
Social Share Toolbar

Me and Charles had a blast! Join in “the revolution!”

Dating is like interviewing for a job: You keep your best foot forward, make the best possible impression and hope they don’t see any of the flaws that make you YOU. So does that mean dating is like business? As a wrap-up to Charles’s month-long Online Dating Intensive, Charles discusses the business aspects of relationships with Stephanie D. McKenzie (aka “Coach Steph“), certified life coach and author of The Business of Dating: Traditional Business Principles for your Modern Dating Life! Get to know how you are presenting yourself, establish early boundaries, and read early red flags. Don’t miss this episode!

Listen here.

All the #SingleLadies…

Posted on by Coach Steph
Social Share Toolbar

I have held my tongue long enough!

After being repeatedly disappointed in the second season of the dollar-store version of Sex and the City, known to most of you, as “Single Ladies,” it’s time to make some things clear…

Single Ladies is doing its millions of viewers–who are largely female– a huge disservice.  Not only are these characters void of executive level careers, it seems that their every dating move, must culminate in some version of sex, which usually creates a even more dysfunctional relationship than what was occuring pre-sex.

In fact, all of the relationships on this show exhibit some level of dysfunction.  But, we continue to tune in because, for some, this is just life imitating art imitating life.

WTH?!

I was almost proud of the character played by Denise Vasi (Raquel) when she decided that she could date two different men.  However, my pride was dashed (no pun intended) to bits as she took the opportunity to bed one of them during the same episode.  Dating aint’ mating–consummating, that is–and as such is the case, should you follow the example of Denise’s character, you will end up just like she did…empty handed.

I won’t even go into the exploits of LisaRaye’s character, because the truth is that she is too old to be ungainfully employed, and driving the Ashton Martin her ex-signif bought for her.  While there are some of you reading this who think that is cute.  The truth is, she should be able to afford her own.  Her own Ashton Martin, her own house, and her own life.  But, that’s enough about that.

If you haven’t noticed, everytime one of these women engages in the sexual conquests, they are the ones that are conquered.  The lusts and passions of these characters are very true to life, and the outcomes of their decisions are very true to life, too.  If you continue to use sex as a toy, tool, plot, or powerplay, you will remain as these characters do: SINGLE.

It’s no secret that I don’t advocate for pre-marital sex–in my life, or in my practice; however, if you don’t want to ride that wave with me, at least be mindful of the fact that sex is nothing to play with.  It is nothing that you use to get or keep someone, nor is it something that is casual and without consequences.

Listen, relationships take time to build, and when you add sex before that foundation has been poured (and dried), then you leave yourself in a very vulnerable position.  I am not saying that you should implement a three-month rule, or some ridiculous RULE for when you will give your body to someone, I am saying that sex will change your relationship.  Done too early, it will change it for the worse.  Too early for me, if before there’s a hyphen in my last name; however, again, you may not want to ride that wave with me–that’s fine.  Just be clear about what you are doing when you are “doing it.”  And to make it clear, you are shifting the possibility of building a relationship on ROCK, to one that is built on SAND.  Have you ever seen a house built on sand? Nope–there’s a reason for that.

Bottom line…acting like a “single lady” will keep you a…(wait for it)

…single lady!

If that’s where you want to be, then carry on as your were.  If not, then perhaps you need to reroute the path that you are on, and let Raquel, April and Keisha be characters you watch, not people you imitate.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Are you Doing the Wrong things trying to Get it Right?

Posted on by Coach Steph
Social Share Toolbar

Trusting your intuition about men… why do women ignore the obvious warning signs of a man’s hurtful behavior? Why do women attract, fall in love and commit to men who are wrong for them? Why do women stay with a man who is without question so very bad for them?

Elephants in the (Dating) Room…NOW LIVE!

Posted on by Coach Steph
Social Share Toolbar

C’mon “WhatTheLOVERS!” show BlackLoveForum.com how much YOU love Coach Steph!  Click the link…be enlightened.

http://blackloveforum.com/the-elephants-in-the-dating-room-pt-1-s-e-x/

So, You Are Going to Breakup With Your Significant Other (GUEST BLOGGER)

Posted on by Team TRF
Social Share Toolbar

So you have decided to break up with your significant other. There is a right way and a lot of wrong ways. Find out the things that you should do to minimize the hurt that is bound to happen for both of you. How to move on with a new partner. Breaking up is hard on egos. Learn how to correctly do this most difficult of relationship acts.