The Professor: Are Your “Peeps” Helping or Hurting?

Posted on July 20, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

Welcome back folks! Last time around I simply introduced the relationships concept to you….in case you didn’t remember, let’s just re-introduce the concept of a healthy relationship.

Let’s Bring Back Healthy Relationships

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached. These are given for the sole reason that each person wants to see the other reach the full potential that they are supposed to have. You know, to do this, you have to see their full potential from the perspective of that greater standard I spoke of last month. Otherwise, you’ll get a preconceived idea of what they are supposed to look like, or worse than that, get deceived into believing they’ll never do any better.

Sounds like someone in your life? Your significant other maybe? Could be, but what about your mother? Best friend? Cousin? Co-worker? Mentor?

Your “PeopleNet”

You know that saying, “You are the company you keep?” Well it’s kind of true. You can be the company you keep…depending on their influence level and their intent. You can break people in your lives down into three basic categories:

1) Those who are seeking to use/abuse/subdue you outright.

2) Those who have your best interest but not the best data to convey their wishes.

3) Those connected to a higher standard and want to do right by you just because you are you.

People in category one may not get awful close to you because you can see their manipulative ways coming, or after “X” amount of times you don’t want to deal with them. You want as many folk in category number three as you can get; they have both the knowledge and the intent to be great resources to you.

I’m talking about people in category number two. These folks are close to you but either give you wacky counsel or just weigh you down. While people in category number three will help you and alleviate weight, people in category two will weigh you down with preconceptions. If you twist my arm, we could bring in a fourth category, of the “serial dumpers”…those who just bring their issues to you over and over and over again. Those folk annoy ya don’t they?

Well, the people you keep, positive or negative, I’d like to call the “PeopleNet”. And they have potential to help or harm you in regard to finding a suitable mate or finding a suitable purpose. For more information on “PeopleNets”, you can click this link.

“PeopleNets” and Significant Others

If your significant other gets close enough to you, the two of you get married and you become family, become one. Right? Right. Well the same can go with friends as well, or anyone in your life. They can become (like) family. And family become often like acquaintances. Well if you have a dysfunctional dynamic with the folks around you, how marketable does that make you in relationships? Not very? Didn’t think so. Even one dysfunctional relationship can dictate the pace of all the others if that person is close enough.

Ever take an argument with your mother or father to your friends or your significant other? That target of your rage stops reacting to you don’t they? Better to make sure folks are in the right category of person, right?

For next month: Consider this, there is a gold standard even for those closest to you. And next week, we’ll talk about them.

Until next time….

Kimberly Moore: Isn’t It Time to Live A Better Story?

Posted on July 10, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

Isn’t it time to LIVE a better story? I recently wrote about Allowing for Loss – Finding Life and Love. It was a weighty, but necessary topic. Can I be honest? I really wish there was another way to get to the other side. I mean does it really take losing to gain? I have earnestly searched and tried to find another way. There just isn’t one that ends in true fulfillment. But after you get on the other side, I have found a better story to live.

Why continue to live the same old story and get the same old results? Life is about living and being (or experiencing). Ladies, we can sure “do” a lot. We plan well. We multi-task well. We get things done. The news flash for us is life is more about living and being. In all of our doing, we somehow forget to be, to experience and breathe in the things around us. And being is really what we were created to “do” best – be open, be vulnerable, be loving, be life-giving, be fun, be smart, be interesting, be playful. As women, the very thing that attracts people and opportunities to us is ironically what we avoid most. Why? Could it be that it’s not valued, and people perceive them as weakness?Most of us want to tell a better story about our lives, although telling our story is more of an external experience. It’s also pretty safe. But to live a better story, you are invited to take the risk to be and show who you really are from the inside out. In the past 20 years alone, we’ve gotten access to “do” more. And we have – maybe too much. It’s great. It’s exciting. But it costs us too.Let’s change that. Over the next few weeks, may I extend a challenge to you to work on your story? This will not be a “how to” get the love of your life, 9 steps to being the woman you want to be, etc. It is simply an invitation to a process of exploring, or even discovering, what may be eluding your experience as woman:

Love both receiving & giving
Intimacy
Authenticity
Being honest with yourself and others
Communicating who you are and being heard, understood and affirmed
Settling the matter that you are good enough – period
Having a hope that doesn’t disappoint – that you can and will experience healthy, loving relationships.

Feeling a little excited? Or little overwhelmed about the whole thing? That’s ok. Remember this is an invitation. And like any invitation YOU get to choose to accept, decline, or even resist and ignore it. For these next weeks to really matter you are asked to engage with your whole heart, that part of you that allows you to “be” the woman you want to see on the outside. When resistance comes, tell it no. It’s very important to decide to be open to what may come or you may just find yourself reading another good blog post. Rather a good blog post that might help you LIVE a better story for your life and love. Are you ready? What do you have to lose…more life?

Let’s Go…

– Show quoted text –

Kimberly Moore: Do you REALLY Have Room for Something New?

Posted on July 2, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

I’m a fan of Twitter. I have fun sharing moments of my life, learning from people and being inspired. I may never personally meet those I learn from or inspired by, but sometimes, for a moment, I meet them by replying to their tweets or join their work through my retweets. I love it even more than Facebook.

Let me use one of my favorite people I follow on Twitter to illustrate the idea of “Allowing for Loss.” Shaun King (@shaunking) is a guy who has done a lot in his life, including serving as a pastor of a growing church in Atlanta, and being founder of TWITCHANGE, which is a game-changer for using social media to get causes in the forefront of audiences on Twitter with over 30K followers. Last spring, he experienced great loss in losing both of those jobs, selling almost everything his young family of 5 had. Sensing it was best for his family to make a clean break from Atlanta with no job or clear purpose; they decided to take up an offer to move to California, stay with another family and figure out what’s next. Undeniably great loss of daily friendships, their home and dreams. An excavation of the heart for sure. But he did. In doing so, new doors opened. New purpose HopeMob @Hope, just moved into a new home, received invitation from White House that he had to turn down, and raising a family member’s daughter.

When we decide to excavate our hearts, loss is what we feel first and most. Even if it’s our idea! Even if it’s good for us. Rather, we often think when we allow for loss it only means something is subtracted from our lives, or even funnier maybe is that we think something is wrong because we have lost. Maybe that’s the pain or fear speaking to us.

What if it’s right that we lost this or that? What would happen if you or I allowed loss to be a natural part of life like growing up?

What do you and I get in the end? We begin to store up experiences of responding well and allowance for loss. We start to think differently about loss and our ability to stay whole in the process. We build confidence of our ability in our heart that we will live and not die because of these losses. We make room in our hearts and life for the best kind of love and relationships.

Click here to take a journey to see if you’ve allowed for loss. Choose today to find your life and love planned and awaiting you. Make room in your life now.

I’m in process too and betting on it being worth it all. What’s your story? How have you allowed for loss? Was it worth it all?

The Professor: What Is a Healthy Relationship? (and, are YOU in one?)

Posted on June 18, 2012April 13, 2017 by Team TRF

I’d like to take some time out and talk about relationships, in general…

What is a Relationship?

Most people see relationships as dynamics between a man and a woman interacting and growing together. And while this is true, it’s not the full picture of what relationships are supposed to do.

A relationship, in its purest sense, is two or more individuals with similar worldviews coming together for a common purpose.

What Does This Mean?

Well this means that a relationship spans any dynamic you have with anyone in your life. It could be one with your best homie or your “BFF”, your parents, siblings, co-workers, churchmates, or with a significant other. We have to understand how all of these relationships work in order to have balance in our lives.

What is a Healthy Relationship?

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached. The love is the central issue. The love context fuels attention or respect. We can liken this to either a mother picking up a crying infant in the wee hours of the morning, or one friend giving counsel to another who appears to be lost in a distressing situation, uplifting and encouraging instead of pointing fingers. When this happens, the appropriate values flow, everyone in the relationship grows, and the oneness of the relationship flows like it should. And the relationship’s purpose, reached.

And if you feel like loving children and being a good friend is elementary, go read the news. Mothers are choking infants and people are stabbing each other over Facebook arguments. Facebook arguments? You had better believe it; there’s not a lot of love out there. And that’s no good. The reality of the matter is that things like this should be “common” sense. But loving your neighbor as your own flesh with no strings attached has become very uncommon these days. It’s saddening. Therefore we must turn to a greater standard for loving one another. One where we serve as opposed to demanding service.

But What About My Relationship with my Significant Other?

I’ve gotten a little bit into what I intended to discuss, but whatthelove.org is a website for romantic relationships. So why is this here? To reiterate, all relationships are connected. However, all relationships are connected in this way: to the extent that our relationships function appropriately will determine how well other relationships function appropriately. This means that we understand what the relationship is doing and our role in it, in the spirit of service and friendship. And friends disagree sometimes, but maintain peaceful oneness without arguing. And peace makes everything better.

For next time: Would YOU date someone who complained about their mother? Father? Co-workers? Their career? Would you consider them peaceful?

Until next time…

Coach Steph Note: Welcome our newest LIVE guest writer, The Professor! We are glad that he is willing to bring some different perspectives to WTL! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!

Are you Doing the Wrong things trying to Get it Right?

Posted on May 21, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

Trusting your intuition about men… why do women ignore the obvious warning signs of a man’s hurtful behavior? Why do women attract, fall in love and commit to men who are wrong for them? Why do women stay with a man who is without question so very bad for them?

How to KNOW if they like you?

Posted on May 14, 2012October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

It’s an age-old question, asked by daters young and old. Driven by a desire to be with someone who genuinely cares for us, we find ourselves asking, “does he/she like me?”

Well, they might. (Wasn’t that profound?)

What you have to keep in mind, is that he or she may be asking the same questions about you. So, if in the event that you are too chcken to ask (it happens), here’s a few signs that might help you draw a conclusion. However, these signs are not foolproof, and at the end of the day, I highly recommend asking the individual. It may be a tad awkward to ask such a question, but rather you be a little uncomfortable now, then two months from now.

So, without further ado, here’s a few things to consider…and I hope this helps.

Considerations when you first meet them…

Are they attentive when you’re speaking?
Guys….did she give you her number when you asked?
Girls…did he ask for your number…and call?
Do they ask you questions about you?
This is pretty much all you need to know. If someone likes or is interested in you, then they want to get to know you. Guys always seem to miss this cue. If a woman is not asking questions about you, she’s not trying to get to know you. She may be polite enough to listen to you talk, but if she fails to inquire about you beyond your name, age, and occupation (vital stats, if you will), then that’s a sign. Take.
Do they seem comfortable* around you?
Squeemish could be nervousness, yes. But down right discomfort probably comes from looking for an exit door that is either not close enough or far enough that you’d notice. Especially for a woman, comfort is key to being with anyone.
Has the word date been mentioned?
And, if so, did they respond enthusiastically to the suggestion, or was it like winning a dollar from playing the lottery?

*Creating a comfortable environment may include: 1) Excluding your dirty jokes 2) Not discussing politics, religion, or any other possibly controversial topic. 3) Excluding numerous comments about their looks, beauty, body, job, income, SEX or anything else that would could be considered an questionable (this means you look like a stalker-in-training).

Considerations for the date…

Again, are they attentive?
Do they ask questions about you?
Do they seem comfortable?
AND one more…When you mention going out again, do they say yes?
While I realize that this may go without saying, there’s a little more to it. I legitimately mean, do they say without hesitation or any pause whatsoever, “YES!” After the yes, should come the plan. If she says yes, but there is no plan to meet you in an intimate setting–just the two of you–consider this case closed. If there’s a yes, and then she commits to a date, or to giving you a date, then you might have a shot.

While I realize that this article, may seem a bit cliche’ I also know that sometimes we need to be reminded of how dating works, and we need to understand that it’s not that serious (for the most part). We will like and dislike numerous people in our single lives, and the truth is, if they don’t like you, then keep moing forward until you cross the path of someone who does.

#bearockstar
#Love100

Are YOU Loving Yourself Enough to Make Someone Love You?

Posted on May 7, 2012December 2, 2012 by Coach Steph

It hurts when someone doesn’t love us back. Many of us have tried and tried to receive the love that we’ve given willingly and enthusiastically only to draw the conclusion that our love is indeed unrequited.

However, there is a love that we have to address if we ever hope to be happy, and that’s how we love ourselves.

Believe it or not, you may be the reason why the love you seek has yet to find you. This statement is not intended to make you feel badly, but it is intended to make you think.

When you love yourself, you become empowered. You have an energy that makes people want to be in your presence. Additionally, when we love ourselves, we set standards for ourselves and expect people to not only meet, but exceed them.

If you’ve ever settled, accepted anyone’s nonsense, given passes when you should’ve been kicking a**es, then you have been guilty of not loving yourself. Make no mistake, I have done it, too. In fact, it cost me 10 years of my life, and it’s a key reason that I became a relationship coach.

Many times, we avoid conflicts and situations in relationships because we don’t to seem overbearing or domineering. But, understand that asserting your needs, and expectations is a huge part of communicating what you think about yourself. If you never speak up for yourself, then it tells your significant other what they should think about you. It also shows them what you think of yourself.

Light bulbs go off….right…about…NOW!

By the way, this concept also holds true for friends, relatives and co-workers. Every relationship in your life is governed by the high (or not so high opinion) that you have of yourself. I am not saying that you should become an arrogant prick, but I am saying that you should take a look at yourself and really fall in love with the person that you are.

REALLY!

Now, if you need a little help, you can learn how to be a rockstar with me. In fact, I hope you will come and hang out with me because I am ready to show you just how much you rock!

Even if you don’t believe it right now.

Of course, if you do believe it, there’s nothing like hearing it again–and I am more than happy to oblige.

In conclusion, loving yourself is not simply an option, but it’s a mandate. How do you know when you’re loving yourself enough to make someone love you? When you know (emphasis on “know”) that you deserve the best and you refuse to accept anything less under any circumstances…

…and no matter how hot he or she may be! 😉

Oops! You did it Again…and Again!

Posted on April 25, 2012October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

I cannot help but feel for this young lady…somewhat. While I am not a fan of her depicting intimate exploits on screen, I am a fan of the person that she is (or portrays herself to be), and hence, why I feel compelled to pen another “Celebrity Love Note.”

The recent issues between Basketball (Non) Wife Royce Reed and latest “boo” Dezmon (no, that’s not a typo) Briscoe, are a bit ridiculous to say the least. Once again, we have Royce putting her heart, soul and body (in lingerie no less) on the line for someone who claims to love her. Only for him to turn around and do something that is not only respectful to the relationship that they profess to have, but also to himself.

But, hey, we’ve all been there…without and without the lingerie.

But, where most of us haven’t been is forced to deal with our significant other’s extracurricular “sextivities” (this means he was sending sext messages…get it) with both his child’s mother and some other woman, who has just recently come forward.

Poor Royce.

I have to admit, this seems to be a cycle that she’s in, and I wish her well in her efforts to be happy and whole. However, let’s get in to this a bit further, because despite the fact that our business wasn’t on TV for the world to see, some of us still have an issue or two in common with Royce (AKA “@RoyceLR” on Twitter).

My Take:
There are few things at work here. Royce has had some very public relationships, especially as she is the mother of NBA Star Dwight Howard’s son, she has received and maintained some very bright and pretty relentless, and down right mean, limelight. It seems that in all her relationships, she is ready to be serious. REAL SERIOUS! She is ready to give everything to some guy in exchange for the words, “I love you.” And that seems to be the only expectations that she has for him.

Again, we’ve all been there.

If she were my client:
Royce and I need to have a serious discussion about her definition and expectations of love and what she expects from someone who loves her. What exactly does the term, “love” mean in general, and what is she really looking for. Acceptance, belonging, someone to want her…what exactly is it?

Royce has to see that she has a rather destructive pattern when it comes to the relationships that we’ve seen on-air. They all seem to move too fast, and are entirely too intimate. It’s almost as if she has something to prove by letting this person love her, or by showing the way that she loves them, she is demonstrating some perceived control.

Royce has to know that she is control of her relationships, and how they develop without all the “extra.” She has to learn to vet her suitors, Dezmon’s sexting exploits are a clear sign that he is not ready to be the man that she and her son need. But, as long as she stays clouded by her “love-colored” glasses, my fear is that she will continue to be on the receiving end of someone’s immature, yet “loving,” actions.

Royce, he’s just not ready….take heed. For that matter, neither are you.

What we can all learn from this:
As I said before, we all need to vet our suitors–male and female, and decide that someone is worthy of our time, energy, and emotions NOT because they say those three little words, but because they have demonstrated that they are ready for what we’re ready for.

Yes, it’s just that simple.

There will always be Dezmon’s in the world. And, just because he’s made these mistakes doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good guy. It does mean that he isn’t ready for a committed relationship. Well, he might be ready, he’s just not prepared.

Those are two different things. For example, you could be ready to leave, but until you pack and make travel plans, you are not PREPARED to go anywhere…get it?!

On the other hand, how you can always avoid being a Royce is by taking the time to learn about someone. And, while you’re learning, keep your goodies to yourself, and your mind focused on deciding if this person meets your expectations. No judgment on the “goodies” swipe, but it’s just easier to stay objective when you’re not sexing them up. Seriously.

Just so we’re clear…I wish them both the best…separately. As a couple, they both lack the ability to build something strong and lasting–at least right now. Perhaps down the road, their paths will cross again, and they will be ready and prepared, and it will be an awesome and lasting love. And the only person he’ll be sexting is her…as Mrs.Briscoe.

Hey, I’m a hopeless romantic, let me slide…

One more thing: If you know Royce…support her with positivity, this is not the time to make her feel worse.

This word of wisdom brought to you by: #Love100

Why Don’t YOU Act Like a Man, So That I Don’t Have to Think Like One? (Part I)

Posted on April 20, 2012October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

This weekend, millions will flock (like single sheep) to see the new Steve Harvey-based flick, “Think Like a Man.” (Which is why there will have to be a part two, and maybe even part three, to this article.)

Why I find this concerning, is that we are once again, throwing females under the proverbial dating bus, and asking them to lead, and to step outside of who they are. I’ve explored this concept with a few of my colleagues in the love game, including, Keli V. Crane, Editor of BoisSuq.com (prounounced “boys suck”) and Jai Stone, Founder of BlackLoveForum.com. And, we all agree, that it’s unfair to continue to ask single woman everywhere to contort and transform themselves to get, keep or revive a relationship.

So…why do we keep seeing this?

While this movie is tauted to Urban audiences, I feel that all walks of life and cultures, have seen this rhetoric. Women are constantly told that they have to do this, say this, read this in order to get a man. While, society fails to bring such an “education” to men. So, while Sally is reading every article, book, newsletter and doing every dating exercise under the sun, Jack is going along, doing as he pleases, more than likely enjoying Sally’s due diligence, but failing to show any of his own.

Again, it’s not fair.

So, I ask the question, “why don’t you act like a man, so that I don’t have to think like one?” Because it seems that this is the problem. Some men (many men) have taken the female role in relationship. Sorry, it’s true. It is the man who desires to be pursued, it is the man who seeks to be wooed. If no one has told you (all of you), that’s not how this is supposed to work. Women desire to be, and should be pursued, women desire to be, and should be wooed. So, if you, man, are not wearing the pants in the relationship, so to speak, then what we can expect is sheer confusion.

Personally, I am tired of seeing this role reversal that even many of my relationship coaching colleagues tend to support through their own newsletters, and dating tips. Don’t you think that it’s time we set things straight? Or, do you think that this is working?

Well, here are my 3 reasons, why we need traditional roles in dating…see if you agree.

Reason One: Whatever happens in the beginning of the relationship, sets a precedent. So if you, woman, are in fact, thinking like a man, then you will set the precedent of doing so in the relationship. This means that you will effectively kiss your desired pursuit and “wooing” goodbye, because you’re in charge. How do you let a man be a man, if you’re the brains of the operation. Answer: You don’t.

Reason Two: Without traditional roles, we jeopardize creating strong foundations for lasting relationships. If you’ve ever seen a “hen-pecked” man, then you know that it doesn’t quite work out when women start leading. I know, I know…we are the smarter sex, ladies, but we also are the weaker sex (I didn’t say it–stop making that face). As such is the case, there is nothing like experiencing the stability and security of being with a man who is trustworthy, reliable, and honest; however, if you’re doing the thinking, and he is on the receiving end of that “strategy,” he may not feel compelled to do anything. He may not work to create stability for you–mostly because, you’re walking around thinking like a man. Now, I hate to goto the good Lawd on this, but, there’s this little passage that reads, “as a man(kind) thinketh, so is he.” Using this as a foundation, it seems that you become just what you think you are. See the problem?

Reason Three: This is a bit insulting, if you really dig into it, because a woman should be a woman…period. While I realize that the complete title is “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” what it says, is that my thought processes as a member of the female species are sabotaging my ability to get or to keep a relationship. Really? That can’t be true. A real man (emphasis on real) will appreciate the feminine side of a woman. He will embrace her emotional side, and react to her vulnerable side…he may even tell her “loud side” to shut the (bleep) up! But you get the picture.

At the end of the day, I believe that a real man, will want, love and commit to a real woman. Real women are strong, courageous, emotional, vulnerable, and loveable.

What are you saying, Coach Steph?

I am saying that it’s time to put down the book, and continue being the woman that you are–thoughts and all!

Enjoy the movie!