Give ‘Em a Break!

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Hey folks,

Here’s another installment of making sure all of your relationships are tightened up. Remember these posts will not only give you insight on how to deal with a significant other, but deal with others who are significant (which will in turn help you with your significant other).

Review

So I’ll be brief in my review. Last month I simply made it a point not to be a doormat in dealing with the people in your world. The reason why I said that was when you do this you fall short of the standard necessary to be the best thing anyone’s ever seen. And you ultimately polarize yourself against the “Category #3’ers (see previous post).

Now for this month’s lesson…

What are the dangers of losing Category #3’ers? Let’s be real here. Not even your Category #3’ers are going to be perfect. Sometimes they are not going to meet your expectation levels. Well if it be your significant other, a good friend, or a mentor, you get upset at that. Then you get upset with yourself. Then you get angry at them. Then you just have a whole bunch of angry in your business. But, have you ever stopped to wonder why you were angry? What you were angry at? What was really going on with that person?

If you didn’t even ask these questions, you’re very angry. This is what happens…

Unmet Expectation Levels, Wounds, and More Trouble

Well, if you find yourself all around fussity because of something someone did or didn’t do, chances are you’ve been wounded. A wound is mindset that prevents you from reaching the fullness of what you are supposed to be. If you don’t want your rockstar to crash, it is best to undergo a greater discernment to find a greater understanding of what you are dealing with. That way you can figure out what’s the matter. Maybe you’re the issue. Maybe they are the issue. Maybe it’s circumstance. Either way, you know FORGIVENESS is a great way to go to release that pain. Because with unreleased pain then it becomes part of the mindset.

Think about it like this…let’s say you’re in a dating relationship with someone. You REALLY like them and most of what they do but they don’t call you as often as they like. Do you let that person go because they aren’t doing everything they you want them to, or do you love them beyond their shortcomings? Of course some things you aren’t supposed to put up with, especially if they are behavior patterns. However, if you leave them over something like that, that you could forgive them for, and love them through…what next? Those feelings aren’t a light switch are they? And even if you move on to the next person, how will you react when you see your ex in the store, or the mall, or on the street. You may be civil but somewhere in your gut you feel sick a bit don’t you?

You know that saying it’s “cheaper to keep her”? Well that’s true the most in this regard (whether it be a girlfriend OR a boyfriend). Just not worth the drama You’re not over the last person so you can’t show how awesome you are to that new person…next thing you know you got three miserable folks.

Don’t do it, don’t be a doormat, but don’t be a relationship tyrant either!

Until next time!

New From @godsbutterflykw: Relationship VIP

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Twitter is all a buzz. Entertainment news shows are reporting. Magazine after magazine is covered with the same headline. Who cheated on whom? Who’s dating whom? Breakup shocker! Are Rihanna and Chris Brown really back together? Jaws dropped at the news of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman’s split up. And every week we rush to the nearest information source for the latest on Rob Pattison and Kristen Stewart. Why are we so obsessed with the love lives of these people we don’t know? We learn about their lives in sound bites and the scroll of the ticker tape. Surely there is something or another relationship perhaps, we can be concerned with.

It’s been suggested that we get so caught up in the entertainment love news as an escape from our own ‘stuff’. I wonder how much we’d really care if we were busy taking care of ourselves. Oh, I don’t know turning the tube off and spending that time learning more about ourselves; rather than dissecting who and why of which celeb should be with whom. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy star gazing as much as the next person. What if we took the time to love ourselves as much as we spend the time worrying about their love lives maybe we wouldn’t have time to do so? Make sense?

That got me to thinking. What do we, can we do to work on the most important relationship we have – our relationship with our selves. I am the VIP of my life after all! Aren’t you? ABSOLUTELY! No? Let’s look at some ways to o ascend in our personal VIP (PVIP) status.

  1. Window Cleaner. The first step to reaching optimal PVIP status is to get clear about who you ARE and who you are not. One of my favorite lines from the movie, The Color Purple, is “…Harpo who dis woman?”  While the question was being asked of a male, the point is to get in your own face and really look at the person staring back at you. There was a time when I didn’t/couldn’t see myself. I couldn’t see all the wonderful things others were saying about me. The time came to sit with who I thought I was and who I thought I was not. Where did those ideals come from? Were the inherited or self-imposed. Once I got clear about the woman in the mirror (feel free to jam your Michael Jackson in the background), I could move on to the next step.
  2. Permission Granted. Give yourself permission to choose you. Put yourself back at the top of your (never-ending) to-do list. That’s not selfish. It’s necessary. This will be new for some and a reminder to others. You’ve heard the parallel of the in air safety review, that instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first. It truly is just that basic. You can’t be your best in any relationship capacity (personal, romantic or professional), if your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual oxygen level is low. It’s like running a computer that needs more bandwidth – it just doesn’t function at its best. So, how do you add more energetic bandwidth to your life?                 Think things that will simultaneously a) benefit you directly, b) give you peace within and c) cultivate your body, mind, and spirit. Do things that say I LOVE YOU – to you!  Think of it as courting yourself.
  3. Un-Cuffed. All too often we are bound by I should, I have to, and Yeah but. Saying no to what we feel obligated to or pressured by is not a bad thing. No is actually a beautiful word. It only has two letters and rolls smoothly over the tongue. The thing is sometimes we get so used to saying no, we look up years later and realize somewhere along the way we started saying no to ourselves; in addition to saying those things that feel heavy and don’t feed our spirit. You probably won’t come out of the gate shaking your Yay Me! pom poms. It’s a journey. And you may have to remind yourself. That is perfectly okay. Feel free to repeat as needed.
  4. Add Three Cups of Joy and Stir. What makes you happy? What brings you child-like giggle joy? When is the last time you did something that added joy to your life?  If it helps, think back to what you enjoyed as a child. I remember coloring, gold fish and playing in the water. I still love being in water to this day. Every chance I get, I play in the water. Recently I went to the local pet store to learn about fish. I’ll be adding a small fish tank to my office (a tad different from the single gold fish I had as a kid). Every now and then I still color. Yes, in a coloring book! Don’t judge me –lol. Seriously, what things make you smile from the inside out? It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Keep it simple. Don’t overthink it.

Becoming your PVIP is a learned way of life, not taught to everyone. Some of us need a refresher course. Wherever you are on your PVIP journey, you are not alone. There are others on the same journey and luckily for you, you have me (smile) to help you on the way!

Have questions or just want to share part of your journey? I’m an email away at chiefheartwranglerr@whatthelove.org.

Remember, if you don’t define you, someone else will. And that’s too important a job to leave to just anyone.

X’s and O’s

AskCoachSteph: I Said I Didn’t Care…But I Do.

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Coach Steph,
I was dating this guy for 6 months, and everything was going great. But, we never said that we were exclusive, so, I started seeing someone else.

Anyway, now I am confused.  I still like the first guy more, but he found out that I was seeing someone and we had a big fight.  I told him that I didn’t care what he thought about me seeing the other guy…but I lied.  I really wanted him to say that he wanted to be with me, but I was too scared to say that, because I didn’t want to say it out  loud.

HELP!  I don’t know what to do know.

I Care…da** it!

-D.P.R.

[warning][/warning] Use the advice below at your own discretion.  WhatTheLove/Coach Steph promise no outcomes, but provide the following response for entertainment and educational purposes ONLY. (The Legal Department has spoken.)

Dear DPR,

As someone who has tested many, many men, the truth is that you know EXACTLY what to do…you just have to muster up the courage to do two things:

  1. Decide that you are okay with WHATEVER the outcome is, when you go back to Guy #1 and tell him that you want to be with him.
  2. Decide to go back and tell him–not text him, not email him, but call him up, and make time to tell him what you feel face to face.

When we like someone, we all seem to goto mush.  We seek having the upper hand, in a situation where there are no winners or losers.  Admit it, the real reason that you started seeing the other guy was because you wanted a reaction from Guy #1.  You got a reaction when he got upset (make a note of that), but you remain confused because he didn’t say what you want him to say in the heat of that moment.

Too many RomComs….I know…

It’s okay I’ve been there.

The best solution here is what I call the Communication Situation.  It requires you to do 3 three things:

Thing One: Be humble

Thing Two: Be HONEST

Thing Three: Get the whole story

Be humble because you have to eat little crow.  You know you went out and flashed your “I am a big, bad single chic badge” and made a bit of a stir.  But it’s okay.  When you call, be quick to apologize, and ask (not demand or require) that they schedule some time to speak with you.  Remember, you have to be okay with the outcome (see my earlier statement), so if he doesn’t want to meet with you, then don’t press the issue.  Just reiterate that you are sorry, and leave it there.  Call it woman’s intuition, but I do believe that he’ll want to speak with you…keep me posted.

Be HONEST.  This is NOT the time to be coy or cute about what happened, or about what you want.  Honesty is the best policy.  So, once you set this date, show up, explain briefly, and then be honest about what you want from this guy.  It’s that simple.  All he can say is that he wants the same thing…or not.  Either way, you will cease being confused about how this situation will work out for you.

Get the whole story.  If you are not cute or coy about the situation, then this may not be a problem.  However, I will say this: If you want to know if Guy #1 wants to be with you exclusively, then ask that EXACT question.  Do not ask him trite or trivial questions, such as, “do you miss me?” “have you thought about me?” and other things that truly don’t matter in this moment.  All that matters in this moment is that you get a complete answer to the question that you have.  If his response leaves you wondering, then clarify…again GET THE WHOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE STORY!

In conclusion, don’t beat yourself up.  As women, we live (especially our love lives) as double agents.  Strong on the outside, but ooey and gooey on the inside.  As such is the case, sometimes we say and do things in an effort to preserve our strength and to avoid being vulnerable.  As I told you in “Why Don’t You Act Like a Man…” we are emotional creatures…it’s okay.  The man that loves you will embrace that part of you.

Now, all that’s left to do is to pick up the phone…are…you…ready?

Keep me posted…it’s Snuggleville or bust!

Xoxo,

Coach Steph 😉

Ready for a (Relationship) Revolution?

Posted on by Coach Steph
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Me and Charles had a blast! Join in “the revolution!”

Dating is like interviewing for a job: You keep your best foot forward, make the best possible impression and hope they don’t see any of the flaws that make you YOU. So does that mean dating is like business? As a wrap-up to Charles’s month-long Online Dating Intensive, Charles discusses the business aspects of relationships with Stephanie D. McKenzie (aka “Coach Steph“), certified life coach and author of The Business of Dating: Traditional Business Principles for your Modern Dating Life! Get to know how you are presenting yourself, establish early boundaries, and read early red flags. Don’t miss this episode!

Listen here.

The Professor: Are Your “Peeps” Helping or Hurting?

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Welcome back folks!  Last time around I simply introduced the relationships concept to you….in case you didn’t remember, let’s just re-introduce the concept of a healthy relationship.

Let’s Bring Back Healthy Relationships

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached.  These are given for the sole reason that each person wants to see the other reach the full potential that they are supposed to have.  You know, to do this, you have to see their full potential from the perspective of that greater standard I spoke of last month.  Otherwise, you’ll get a preconceived idea of what they are supposed to look like, or worse than that, get deceived into believing they’ll never do any better.

Sounds like someone in your life?  Your significant other maybe?  Could be, but what about your mother?  Best friend?  Cousin? Co-worker?  Mentor?

Your “PeopleNet”

You know that saying, “You are the company you keep?”  Well it’s kind of true.  You can be the company you keep…depending on their influence level and their intent.  You can break people in your lives down into three basic categories:

1)    Those who are seeking to use/abuse/subdue you outright.

2)    Those who have your best interest but not the best data to convey their wishes.

3)    Those connected to a higher standard and want to do right by you just because you are you.

People in category one may not get awful close to you because you can see their manipulative ways coming, or after “X” amount of times you don’t want to deal with them.  You want as many folk in category number three as you can get; they have both the knowledge and the intent to be great resources to you.

I’m talking about people in category number two.  These folks are close to you but either give you wacky counsel or just weigh you down.  While people in category number three will help you and alleviate weight, people in category two will weigh you down with preconceptions.  If you twist my arm, we could bring in a fourth category, of the “serial dumpers”…those who just bring their issues to you over and over and over again.  Those folk annoy ya don’t they?

Well, the people you keep, positive or negative, I’d like to call the “PeopleNet”.  And they have potential to help or harm you in regard to finding a suitable mate or finding a suitable purpose.  For more information on “PeopleNets”, you can click this link.

“PeopleNets” and Significant Others

If your significant other gets close enough to you, the two of you get married and you become family, become one.  Right? Right.  Well the same can go with friends as well, or anyone in your life.  They can become (like) family.   And family become often like acquaintances.  Well if you have a dysfunctional dynamic with the folks around you, how marketable does that make you in relationships?  Not very?  Didn’t think so.  Even one dysfunctional relationship can dictate the pace of all the others if that person is close enough.

 

Ever take an argument with your mother or father to your friends or your significant other?  That target of your rage stops reacting to you don’t they?  Better to make sure folks are in the right category of person, right?

 

For next month: Consider this, there is a gold standard even for those closest to you.   And next week, we’ll talk about them.

 

Until next time….

Kimberly Moore: Isn’t It Time to Live A Better Story?

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Isn’t it time to LIVE a better story? I recently wrote about Allowing for Loss – Finding Life and Love. It was a weighty, but necessary topic. Can I be honest? I really wish there was another way to get to the other side. I mean does it really take losing to gain? I have earnestly searched and tried to find another way. There just isn’t one that ends in true fulfillment. But after you get on the other side, I have found a better story to live.

Why continue to live the same old story and get the same old results? Life is about living and being (or experiencing). Ladies, we can sure “do” a lot. We plan well. We multi-task well. We get things done. The news flash for us is life is more about living and being. In all of our doing, we somehow forget to be, to experience and breathe in the things around us. And being is really what we were created to “do” best – be open, be vulnerable, be loving, be life-giving, be fun, be smart, be interesting, be playful. As women, the very thing that attracts people and opportunities to us is ironically what we avoid most. Why? Could it be that it’s not valued, and people perceive them as weakness?Most of us want to tell a better story about our lives, although telling our story is more of an external experience. It’s also pretty safe. But to live a better story, you are invited to take the risk to be and show who you really are from the inside out. In the past 20 years alone, we’ve gotten access to “do” more. And we have – maybe too much. It’s great. It’s exciting. But it costs us too.Let’s change that. Over the next few weeks, may I extend a challenge to you to work on your story? This will not be a “how to” get the love of your life, 9 steps to being the woman you want to be, etc. It is simply an invitation to a process of exploring, or even discovering, what may be eluding your experience as woman:
  • Love both receiving & giving
  • Intimacy
  • Authenticity
  • Being honest with yourself and others
  • Communicating who you are and being heard, understood and affirmed
  • Settling the matter that you are good enough – period
  • Having a hope that doesn’t disappoint – that you can and will experience healthy, loving relationships.
Feeling a little excited? Or little overwhelmed about the whole thing? That’s ok. Remember this is an invitation. And like any invitation YOU get to choose to accept, decline, or even resist and ignore it. For these next weeks to really matter you are asked to engage with your whole heart, that part of you that allows you to “be” the woman you want to see on the outside. When resistance comes, tell it no. It’s very important to decide to be open to what may come or you may just find yourself reading another good blog post. Rather a good blog post that might help you LIVE a better story for your life and love. Are you ready? What do you have to lose…more life?
Let’s Go…
– Show quoted text –

The Professor: What Is a Healthy Relationship? (and, are YOU in one?)

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I’d like to take some time out and talk about relationships, in general…

What is a Relationship?

Most people see relationships as dynamics between a man and a woman interacting and growing together.  And while this is true, it’s not the full picture of what relationships are supposed to do.

A relationship, in its purest sense, is two or more individuals with similar worldviews coming together for a common purpose.

What Does This Mean?

Well this means that a relationship spans any dynamic you have with anyone in your life.  It could be one with your best homie or your “BFF”, your parents, siblings, co-workers, churchmates, or with a significant other.  We have to understand how all of these relationships work in order to have balance in our lives.

What is a Healthy Relationship?

While we have defined relationships, a healthy relationship is a relationship where all parties are giving each other the love, attention, and respect in the spirit of friendship with no strings attached.  The love is the central issue.  The love context fuels attention or respect.  We can liken this to either a mother picking up a crying infant in the wee hours of the morning, or one friend giving counsel to another who appears to be lost in a distressing situation, uplifting and encouraging instead of pointing fingers. When this happens, the appropriate values flow, everyone in the relationship grows, and the oneness of the relationship flows like it should. And the relationship’s purpose, reached.

And if you feel like loving children and being a good friend is elementary, go read the news.   Mothers are choking infants  and people are stabbing each other over Facebook arguments.  Facebook arguments?  You had better believe it; there’s not a lot of love out there.  And that’s no good.   The reality of the matter is that things like this should be “common” sense.  But loving your neighbor as your own flesh with no strings attached has become very uncommon these days.  It’s saddening.  Therefore we must turn to a greater standard for loving one another. One where we serve as opposed to demanding service.

But What About My Relationship with my Significant Other?

I’ve gotten a little bit into what I intended to discuss, but whatthelove.org is a website for romantic relationships.  So why is this here?  To reiterate, all relationships are connected.  However, all relationships are connected in this way: to the extent that our relationships function appropriately will determine how well other relationships function appropriately.  This means that we understand what the relationship is doing and our role in it, in the spirit of service and friendship.  And friends disagree sometimes, but maintain peaceful oneness without arguing.  And peace makes everything better.

For next time:  Would YOU date someone who complained about their mother?  Father? Co-workers? Their career?  Would you consider them peaceful?

Until next time…

Coach Steph Note: Welcome our newest LIVE guest writer, The Professor! We are glad that he is willing to bring some different perspectives to WTL! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!

Are you Doing the Wrong things trying to Get it Right?

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Trusting your intuition about men… why do women ignore the obvious warning signs of a man’s hurtful behavior? Why do women attract, fall in love and commit to men who are wrong for them? Why do women stay with a man who is without question so very bad for them?

How to KNOW if they like you?

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It’s an age-old question, asked by daters young and old. Driven by a desire to be with someone who genuinely cares for us, we find ourselves asking, “does he/she like me?”

Well, they might. (Wasn’t that profound?)

What you have to keep in mind, is that he or she may be asking the same questions about you. So, if in the event that you are too chcken to ask (it happens), here’s a few signs that might help you draw a conclusion. However, these signs are not foolproof, and at the end of the day, I highly recommend asking the individual. It may be a tad awkward to ask such a question, but rather you be a little uncomfortable now, then two months from now.

So, without further ado, here’s a few things to consider…and I hope this helps.

Considerations when you first meet them…

  • Are they attentive when you’re speaking?
  • Guys….did she give you her number when you asked?
  • Girls…did he ask for your number…and call?
  • Do they ask you questions about you?
    This is pretty much all you need to know. If someone likes or is interested in you, then they want to get to know you. Guys always seem to miss this cue. If a woman is not asking questions about you, she’s not trying to get to know you. She may be polite enough to listen to you talk, but if she fails to inquire about you beyond your name, age, and occupation (vital stats, if you will), then that’s a sign. Take.
  • Do they seem comfortable* around you?
    Squeemish could be nervousness, yes. But down right discomfort probably comes from looking for an exit door that is either not close enough or far enough that you’d notice. Especially for a woman, comfort is key to being with anyone.
  • Has the word date been mentioned?
    And, if so, did they respond enthusiastically to the suggestion, or was it like winning a dollar from playing the lottery?

*Creating a comfortable environment may include: 1) Excluding your dirty jokes 2) Not discussing politics, religion, or any other possibly controversial topic. 3) Excluding numerous comments about their looks, beauty, body, job, income, SEX or anything else that would could be considered an questionable (this means you look like a stalker-in-training).

Considerations for the date…

  • Again, are they attentive?
  •  Do they ask questions about you?
  •  Do they seem comfortable?
  • AND one more…When you mention going out again, do they say yes?
    While I realize that this may go without saying, there’s a little more to it. I legitimately mean, do they say without hesitation or any pause whatsoever, “YES!” After the yes, should come the plan. If she says yes, but there is no plan to meet you in an intimate setting–just the two of you–consider this case closed. If there’s a yes, and then she commits to a date, or to giving you a date, then you might have a shot.

While I realize that this article, may seem a bit cliche’ I also know that sometimes we need to be reminded of how dating works, and we need to understand that it’s not that serious (for the most part). We will like and dislike numerous people in our single lives, and the truth is, if they don’t like you, then keep moing forward until you cross the path of someone who does.

#bearockstar
#Love100