Ask Coach Steph: Was My Marriage a Mistake?

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Coach Steph,

Hi! I my name is (NAME WITHHELD) and I am afraid that I have a big problem.  I got married six months ago to a man that I love, and who I thought loved me.  But since the wedding, he has been different.  He’s just not interested in me.  We don’t talk and we don’t go out.  He just comes home and sits in the house.  I have asked what is wrong, and I get a “nothing.”  I don’t know what to do, and now I am wondering if my marriage was a mistake.  I am scared to ask him if he wants a divorce. It’s just been six months.

Help!

-A.K.

Dear A.K.,

I am sorry to hear about your problem.  Recently, I hosted a mediation for a couple in a similar situation, and I am happy to say that now they are doing much better–and planning to stay together.  In your situation, first of all, know that the problem may or may not be you.  Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the new role of husband, or perhaps something has happened financially that is making him distant from you, because he fears he cannot be the husband you want, or that he promised you he would be–men do not do well, when their role of provider is tampered with.

The truth of the matter is, that perhaps you should–CALM AND NICELY–ask him if he wants a divorce (if and only if that feels right).  Asking can remove your fears and stop you from carrying that burden.  Secondly, perhaps being asked such a direct question might coax him into revealing what is really going on with him.  You have to be prepared that he might say yes; however, that is more than likely not the case.

Now…If the divorce question doesn’t feel right–don’t do it, an alternative is to tell him that you’re here and promise to be understanding, whenever he wants to talk…this might also pave the way for him to reveal the issue, if he was afraid of your reaction.  You must keep the promise to be understanding, by the way, or you could cause more damage.

The early stages of a marriage can sometimes be the hardest.  The two of you are merging lives, and trying to build a life together.  This can be stressful, especially if you have been on your own for quite some time.  Consider that this transition is also going on within each of you.  As you move into the roles of husband and wife, understand that most people have no REAL clue what it means to be married.  This is why we offer pre-and post-marital visioning programs, so that couples can set their expectations together, and then live up to them in peaceful co-existence, versus just being married, and having no clue what that means to you individually or collectively.

Check out Allison Vesterfelt’s six tips after six months of marriage…here.

In conclusion, you cannot go on living like this.  I am sure that there is a fair amount of hurt in your heart at this time, and my prayer will be that you’re healed so you may go forward without pain–and the baggage that the pain brings.  Again, I caution you to ask about divorce only if it feels right, and if not don’t.  If you cannot get a meaningful answer from him, I recommend praying and then finding a coach or a counselor–if only for yourself.  Whatever has changed him is substantial, and saving a marriage is no easy feat.  But, continue to walk in love, and keep your household a place of peace, and keep smiling…very soon, this will pass–one way or another.

Keep me posted.

 

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Thank you for your response. ✨

3 Reasons Love May Not Be Enough

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Love seems to be the easy part.  People are falling in and out of love every day, and most have no clue why.  But there are others who, despite everything that is wrong with a “loving” relationship, have decided that love alone is the reason to stay–and mind you, some people are being treated really badly.  While the thought of staying committed to the love you have for this person is admirable, and is right up there with enduring a marriage that is failing for the sake of your children…the truth is…love may not be enough, and here are a few reasons why.

Reason One: Love is not synonymous with respect.

If the person that you love doesn’t respect you, then that is a problem.  When your memories of this special person in your life are littered with thoughts of their cheating activities, their lies, and even their bad habits, and the negative effect that they have on you, this is not about whether you love them, this is now a question of whether you love yourself.

Do you?

Reason Two: You may love them, but like them? Eh.

CONFESSION: I spent a long time with a person that I loved, but didn’t like.  While some people will say that love is more important, like is the glue that holds things together.  When I like you, it means that on a basic human level, I think you’re a nice person, a great guy or girl, and that you’re friend material.  Being friend material, and having a friendship within a romantic relationship is optimal.

Reason Three: They do not love you the way you should be loved.

This is usually the problem that most people encounter when they love someone, but the relationship is not quite right.  Just because someone claims to “love you,” that doesn’t mean that they know exactly what that means, or what it means to you.  There are entire programs, like the 5 Love Languages, that try to show people what love language they actually speak.  Some, like me, prioritize quality time, while others gifts or words of affirmation.  If the relationship works, but something is a little off–this may be a place to start. However, if the relationship doesn’t work (this means that you spend more time crying than smiling), then there is a bigger problem.  It’s time to sit down, perhaps use my SWOT Analysis Tool, which is in  The Business of Dating to figure out what is going on. (Click here to get the tool.)  When someone doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved–with respect, friendship, honesty, giving (of their time, energy and emotions) and commitment–that is not something that should be ignored, nor is it something that will go away.  It is a serious situation that requires a response.

In conclusion, it just must be said that love is not enough for a relationship to survive and thrive.  Sometimes we have to admit that and move on.  However, whatever you decide, do what’s best for you, and be encouraged by the lessons this situation has taught you.  There’s ALWAYS a lesson.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

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Give ‘Em a Break!

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Hey folks,

Here’s another installment of making sure all of your relationships are tightened up. Remember these posts will not only give you insight on how to deal with a significant other, but deal with others who are significant (which will in turn help you with your significant other).

Review

So I’ll be brief in my review. Last month I simply made it a point not to be a doormat in dealing with the people in your world. The reason why I said that was when you do this you fall short of the standard necessary to be the best thing anyone’s ever seen. And you ultimately polarize yourself against the “Category #3’ers (see previous post).

Now for this month’s lesson…

What are the dangers of losing Category #3’ers? Let’s be real here. Not even your Category #3’ers are going to be perfect. Sometimes they are not going to meet your expectation levels. Well if it be your significant other, a good friend, or a mentor, you get upset at that. Then you get upset with yourself. Then you get angry at them. Then you just have a whole bunch of angry in your business. But, have you ever stopped to wonder why you were angry? What you were angry at? What was really going on with that person?

If you didn’t even ask these questions, you’re very angry. This is what happens…

Unmet Expectation Levels, Wounds, and More Trouble

Well, if you find yourself all around fussity because of something someone did or didn’t do, chances are you’ve been wounded. A wound is mindset that prevents you from reaching the fullness of what you are supposed to be. If you don’t want your rockstar to crash, it is best to undergo a greater discernment to find a greater understanding of what you are dealing with. That way you can figure out what’s the matter. Maybe you’re the issue. Maybe they are the issue. Maybe it’s circumstance. Either way, you know FORGIVENESS is a great way to go to release that pain. Because with unreleased pain then it becomes part of the mindset.

Think about it like this…let’s say you’re in a dating relationship with someone. You REALLY like them and most of what they do but they don’t call you as often as they like. Do you let that person go because they aren’t doing everything they you want them to, or do you love them beyond their shortcomings? Of course some things you aren’t supposed to put up with, especially if they are behavior patterns. However, if you leave them over something like that, that you could forgive them for, and love them through…what next? Those feelings aren’t a light switch are they? And even if you move on to the next person, how will you react when you see your ex in the store, or the mall, or on the street. You may be civil but somewhere in your gut you feel sick a bit don’t you?

You know that saying it’s “cheaper to keep her”? Well that’s true the most in this regard (whether it be a girlfriend OR a boyfriend). Just not worth the drama You’re not over the last person so you can’t show how awesome you are to that new person…next thing you know you got three miserable folks.

Don’t do it, don’t be a doormat, but don’t be a relationship tyrant either!

Until next time!

New From @godsbutterflykw: Relationship VIP

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Twitter is all a buzz. Entertainment news shows are reporting. Magazine after magazine is covered with the same headline. Who cheated on whom? Who’s dating whom? Breakup shocker! Are Rihanna and Chris Brown really back together? Jaws dropped at the news of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman’s split up. And every week we rush to the nearest information source for the latest on Rob Pattison and Kristen Stewart. Why are we so obsessed with the love lives of these people we don’t know? We learn about their lives in sound bites and the scroll of the ticker tape. Surely there is something or another relationship perhaps, we can be concerned with.

It’s been suggested that we get so caught up in the entertainment love news as an escape from our own ‘stuff’. I wonder how much we’d really care if we were busy taking care of ourselves. Oh, I don’t know turning the tube off and spending that time learning more about ourselves; rather than dissecting who and why of which celeb should be with whom. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy star gazing as much as the next person. What if we took the time to love ourselves as much as we spend the time worrying about their love lives maybe we wouldn’t have time to do so? Make sense?

That got me to thinking. What do we, can we do to work on the most important relationship we have – our relationship with our selves. I am the VIP of my life after all! Aren’t you? ABSOLUTELY! No? Let’s look at some ways to o ascend in our personal VIP (PVIP) status.

  1. Window Cleaner. The first step to reaching optimal PVIP status is to get clear about who you ARE and who you are not. One of my favorite lines from the movie, The Color Purple, is “…Harpo who dis woman?”  While the question was being asked of a male, the point is to get in your own face and really look at the person staring back at you. There was a time when I didn’t/couldn’t see myself. I couldn’t see all the wonderful things others were saying about me. The time came to sit with who I thought I was and who I thought I was not. Where did those ideals come from? Were the inherited or self-imposed. Once I got clear about the woman in the mirror (feel free to jam your Michael Jackson in the background), I could move on to the next step.
  2. Permission Granted. Give yourself permission to choose you. Put yourself back at the top of your (never-ending) to-do list. That’s not selfish. It’s necessary. This will be new for some and a reminder to others. You’ve heard the parallel of the in air safety review, that instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first. It truly is just that basic. You can’t be your best in any relationship capacity (personal, romantic or professional), if your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual oxygen level is low. It’s like running a computer that needs more bandwidth – it just doesn’t function at its best. So, how do you add more energetic bandwidth to your life?                 Think things that will simultaneously a) benefit you directly, b) give you peace within and c) cultivate your body, mind, and spirit. Do things that say I LOVE YOU – to you!  Think of it as courting yourself.
  3. Un-Cuffed. All too often we are bound by I should, I have to, and Yeah but. Saying no to what we feel obligated to or pressured by is not a bad thing. No is actually a beautiful word. It only has two letters and rolls smoothly over the tongue. The thing is sometimes we get so used to saying no, we look up years later and realize somewhere along the way we started saying no to ourselves; in addition to saying those things that feel heavy and don’t feed our spirit. You probably won’t come out of the gate shaking your Yay Me! pom poms. It’s a journey. And you may have to remind yourself. That is perfectly okay. Feel free to repeat as needed.
  4. Add Three Cups of Joy and Stir. What makes you happy? What brings you child-like giggle joy? When is the last time you did something that added joy to your life?  If it helps, think back to what you enjoyed as a child. I remember coloring, gold fish and playing in the water. I still love being in water to this day. Every chance I get, I play in the water. Recently I went to the local pet store to learn about fish. I’ll be adding a small fish tank to my office (a tad different from the single gold fish I had as a kid). Every now and then I still color. Yes, in a coloring book! Don’t judge me –lol. Seriously, what things make you smile from the inside out? It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Keep it simple. Don’t overthink it.

Becoming your PVIP is a learned way of life, not taught to everyone. Some of us need a refresher course. Wherever you are on your PVIP journey, you are not alone. There are others on the same journey and luckily for you, you have me (smile) to help you on the way!

Have questions or just want to share part of your journey? I’m an email away at chiefheartwranglerr@whatthelove.org.

Remember, if you don’t define you, someone else will. And that’s too important a job to leave to just anyone.

X’s and O’s

My Statement on Open Marriages (cont’d from Ebony.com)

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Regarding “open marriages” there is no such thing.  The liberties that we have taken with relationships, in general, is evident by the massive fail we are experiencing.  We have settled for being babymamas and daddies, instead of waiting for committed relationships.  We have redefined sex, so that it is has lost its Divine meaning, is now about conquests and power.  We have built lives on the promise of being someone’s “wifey,” or live-in girlfriend, instead of believing that we are worthy of being “wives.”  And now, we want to offer up marriage as yet another relational sacrificial lamb?  We cannot.  We have no right.  The institution of marriage was established long before any of us even came into existence.  Marriage is meant to stand as a testament to the commitment of two people to love, honor, cherish and submit to each other.  If we are committed to each other, then we cannot have sex with other people, in the name of our marriage…and we should not accept such behavior in the name of our marriage.

It is my opinion that anyone who participates in an “open marriage” is openly stating that he or she lacks self-worth. 

Bottom line: There is no such thing as an open marriage.  Open marriage is simply dating—if it must be defined. And if you want to keep dating, keep the rings and the “I do’s” out of it, because it apparently is more than you are ready to handle.

You’re such a “Cheap Date!”

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With our economic upturn playing and seek, many daters are looking for quick, easy and CHEAP ways to spend time with a potential signif (significant other).

Here are a few sites to help get you started on your quest for fiscally feasible romance:
Other sites for cheap date ideas…

Frugaldater.com
Citiesonthecheap.com
Niftydateideas.com
Askmen.com
Abcnews.go.com

5 Things You Should Have Ready Before You Post Online (by C.Ashbrook)

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They say the devil is in the detail and that is certainly the case when you are creating your online dating profile. Most dating sites will ask you a series of questions about yourself, usually in the form of tick boxes or drop down menus to make it easy.

But I Don’t Wanna Date Online…*Pouts*

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Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

The truth is, many singles prefer the old fashioned way, they prefer to date people that they can actually see and can talk to in real life.  However, the truth is, that contingent upon the site, you can find some very nice people that you will not find in your local bars and restaurants.  Some are busy professionals that travel or just busy professionals.  So, in the midst of the hustle and bustle, they’ve decided to use the internet to help them find the “love” or at least the intense like that they seek.

So, why not?

Objection Number One…”I think it’s embarassing.” Well, it is for some, and especially if they are half naked on a profile, but for most, they are not embarassed, they are cautiously optimistic, and if nothing else, they know that they have stepped out of their comfort zone.  However, you can always hide your profile.  Many services allow you to hide your information/profile and still navigate the site.  This way, you can still feel as if you have an element of control and that you are not all out in the etherfor everyone to see.  Now, one problem solved.

Objection Number Two…”How will I explain to my friends how we met?” Okay, okay, if even the thought of saying, “we met online” makes you cringe, then consider the following…around your third date, makeup a great story about how the two of you met…it will be tons of fun.  Now, there needs to at least one person that knows the deal, especially if he turns out to be a dud (but that could happen offline, too), but if you don’t want to tell your friends and family, then don’t.  My response, “I was playing around on the internet and ran into him,” it’s vague enough that people leave me alone, and for those that truly know the nerd that I am…they just say ok.  After all, there’s linkedin, there’s twitter, there’s so many virtual “playgrounds” that I could’ve been in…so have a ball, and don’t let other’s opinions stop you.

Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

Objection Number Three…”I hear that there are alot of losers online.”  I hear that there are alot of losers EVERYWHERE.  Look, odds are that if you can’t avoid the losers in the bar, then you can’t avoid them online; however, the great thing about them being online is that they have to advertise first.  Now, his profile could be a complete lie; however…you could meet a guy/girl tomorrow and they tell you a complete lie as well…hey, it happens.  But if you see photos you don’t agree with, poor grammar (and that’s one of my deal breakers), guess what…you don’t have to say a word, and they will none the wiser of your judgment.

Listen, there are pros and cons to dating online–just as there are for dating, period.  If any other above are your objections, I hope I’ve given you just enough ammunition to push pass all of that rhetoric and to at least try an online site…If you don’t like it, delete your profile and write me a stern letter about the experience.  But, perhaps you just might find someone and you can write me a letter about that, too.

Here’s to you…ONLINE!

Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

Your Online Dating Profile SUCKS! (and here’s why…)

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Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

On June 12th, myself and my good friend The Dating Diva did a class on online dating and the do’s and dont’s for dating online.  However, this class was very reserved and didn’t remotely touch on the things that I am about to say here.  Because the truth is, some of you (yes, even you reading this) have some profiles that even your mother couldn’t love…Now this article is targeted to the guys, but it can be applied to the girls, so you are not safe…I am just not looking at you online.

Now, I know you want to know why that is…so here goes…

First: Your picture is ridiculous!  Some of them are just down right attractive, but I’m talking to the ones of you, especially the males, that are sitting in your profile pic with your shirt off.  Really, if that’s all you have to offer, then I am afraid that you have missed me, and a few other great girls with such behavior.  We do not care about your washboard abs (at least not while we’re searching), and especially for someone over the age of 22, using such a picture says so much more about your character, or your lack thereof.  So, in case no one has told you…let me be the first…put your *&%$ shirt back on!

Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

Second: idk y iam single bcoz i am a good man.  Seriously?  Why are you writing in text-ese on your profile?  Of course, you list your profession as a Systems Analyst or some other accomplished position; however you have failed to form complete sentences in something as simple as an online dating profile.  You probably didn’t think it was a big deal, but it is.  Anyone who is remotely interested in you and WORTH (emphasis on WORTH) your time will find this to be absolutely ridiculous!  How is it that a grown, single man with a professional position (or so he stated) cannot communicate on an adult level.  A piece of advice: Be formal in your communications until the relationship allows for you to be informal.  Using bad English, horrible sentence structure, lowercase letters, and text-ese is the equivalent of showing up to your job 6 hours late.  No one cares why you are that late, and at that point, they no longer want to hear the explanation.

Third: I promise this is the last one, event throu I could go on and on and on.  TELL THE TRUTH! The last thing anyone wants to encounter is someone who is jobless or homeless, but has a profile with a job and a living situation listed that are not accurate…If you are in a position in your life where you cannot take care of yourself, then why are you looking for dates?  You don’t need a date, you need a job and your own address, thus, your energies are best focused on achieving those things BEFORE you start looking for a woman to “complete” you (too much Jerry MacGuire), and another conversation entirely.  I hate to say it guys, but if you can’t present your current situation as one that someone who be okay with, then you probably shouldn’t be presenting it at all—definitely not to get dates.  Now there are some women that thrive on having a man that they can control and/or fix, but that’s not what you want.  In the end, perhaps the reason why you are single is because you need the time to get your life together, and as such is the case, I speak for most when I say, now please remove your profile from all dating site—you’re not DATEABLE!

Okay, stepping off of my soapbox…

If after reading this your dating profile still sucks, then click here.