Ask Coach Steph: Was My Marriage a Mistake?

Posted on October 11, 2013April 12, 2017 by Coach Steph

Coach Steph,

Hi! I my name is (NAME WITHHELD) and I am afraid that I have a big problem. I got married six months ago to a man that I love, and who I thought loved me. But since the wedding, he has been different. He’s just not interested in me. We don’t talk and we don’t go out. He just comes home and sits in the house. I have asked what is wrong, and I get a “nothing.” I don’t know what to do, and now I am wondering if my marriage was a mistake. I am scared to ask him if he wants a divorce. It’s just been six months.

Help!

-A.K.

Dear A.K.,

I am sorry to hear about your problem. Recently, I hosted a mediation for a couple in a similar situation, and I am happy to say that now they are doing much better–and planning to stay together. In your situation, first of all, know that the problem may or may not be you. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by the new role of husband, or perhaps something has happened financially that is making him distant from you, because he fears he cannot be the husband you want, or that he promised you he would be–men do not do well, when their role of provider is tampered with.

The truth of the matter is, that perhaps you should–CALM AND NICELY–ask him if he wants a divorce (if and only if that feels right). Asking can remove your fears and stop you from carrying that burden. Secondly, perhaps being asked such a direct question might coax him into revealing what is really going on with him. You have to be prepared that he might say yes; however, that is more than likely not the case.

Now…If the divorce question doesn’t feel right–don’t do it, an alternative is to tell him that you’re here and promise to be understanding, whenever he wants to talk…this might also pave the way for him to reveal the issue, if he was afraid of your reaction. You must keep the promise to be understanding, by the way, or you could cause more damage.

The early stages of a marriage can sometimes be the hardest. The two of you are merging lives, and trying to build a life together. This can be stressful, especially if you have been on your own for quite some time. Consider that this transition is also going on within each of you. As you move into the roles of husband and wife, understand that most people have no REAL clue what it means to be married. This is why we offer pre-and post-marital visioning programs, so that couples can set their expectations together, and then live up to them in peaceful co-existence, versus just being married, and having no clue what that means to you individually or collectively.

Check out Allison Vesterfelt’s six tips after six months of marriage…here.

In conclusion, you cannot go on living like this. I am sure that there is a fair amount of hurt in your heart at this time, and my prayer will be that you’re healed so you may go forward without pain–and the baggage that the pain brings. Again, I caution you to ask about divorce only if it feels right, and if not don’t. If you cannot get a meaningful answer from him, I recommend praying and then finding a coach or a counselor–if only for yourself. Whatever has changed him is substantial, and saving a marriage is no easy feat. But, continue to walk in love, and keep your household a place of peace, and keep smiling…very soon, this will pass–one way or another.

Keep me posted.

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3 Reasons Love May Not Be Enough

Posted on October 8, 2013August 6, 2017 by Coach Steph

Love seems to be the easy part. People are falling in and out of love every day, and most have no clue why. But there are others who, despite everything that is wrong with a “loving” relationship, have decided that love alone is the reason to stay–and mind you, some people are being treated really badly. While the thought of staying committed to the love you have for this person is admirable, and is right up there with enduring a marriage that is failing for the sake of your children…the truth is…love may not be enough, and here are a few reasons why.

Reason One: Love is not synonymous with respect.

If the person that you love doesn’t respect you, then that is a problem. When your memories of this special person in your life are littered with thoughts of their cheating activities, their lies, and even their bad habits, and the negative effect that they have on you, this is not about whether you love them, this is now a question of whether you love yourself.

Do you?

Reason Two: You may love them, but like them? Eh.

CONFESSION: I spent a long time with a person that I loved, but didn’t like. While some people will say that love is more important, like is the glue that holds things together. When I like you, it means that on a basic human level, I think you’re a nice person, a great guy or girl, and that you’re friend material. Being friend material, and having a friendship within a romantic relationship is optimal.

Reason Three: They do not love you the way you should be loved.

This is usually the problem that most people encounter when they love someone, but the relationship is not quite right. Just because someone claims to “love you,” that doesn’t mean that they know exactly what that means, or what it means to you. There are entire programs, like the 5 Love Languages, that try to show people what love language they actually speak. Some, like me, prioritize quality time, while others gifts or words of affirmation. If the relationship works, but something is a little off–this may be a place to start. However, if the relationship doesn’t work (this means that you spend more time crying than smiling), then there is a bigger problem. It’s time to sit down, perhaps use my SWOT Analysis Tool, which is in The Business of Dating to figure out what is going on. (Click here to get the tool.) When someone doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved–with respect, friendship, honesty, giving (of their time, energy and emotions) and commitment–that is not something that should be ignored, nor is it something that will go away. It is a serious situation that requires a response.

In conclusion, it just must be said that love is not enough for a relationship to survive and thrive. Sometimes we have to admit that and move on. However, whatever you decide, do what’s best for you, and be encouraged by the lessons this situation has taught you. There’s ALWAYS a lesson.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Celebrity Love Notes: Introducing Heather and Josh Altman

Posted on September 28, 2013April 11, 2017 by Coach Steph

Josh Altman and Heather Bilyeu (the soon to be Mrs. Josh Altman) are one of the newest power couples in LA! Both successful realtors, viewers see multi-million dollar real estate deals delivered each week by Josh and Heather on Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles (#MDLLA). They have done a great job keeping business and “pleasure” separate, as Josh works for one agency and she with The Agency, owned by the amazingly attractive and successful husband, of Kyle Richards (of Real Housewives Beverly Hills fame)–Mauricio Umansky (www.TheAgencyRE.com).

However, recently, Josh and his brother decided to open a new real estate venture, appropriately named “The Altman Brothers,” and much to Heather’s chagrin, Josh decided that for the sake of their relationship, she will not be involved.

Of course, she was disappointed…make that a little shy of furious.

Despite the 82% (I read somewhere) that agree with Heather, I am going on record that I agree ONE MILLION PERCENT with Josh!

It takes a very special couple to work and to “play” together. In a business like real estate, which is competitive (and can be cutthroat), working together could pose some challenges. The challenges at work, then become the challenges at home, and it’s down hill from there. Consider the challenges that Heather endured with Madison, if those same issues emerged between Heather and another agent at The Altman Brothers, businessman Josh, then morphs into super-protective fiancé or new husband Josh Altman, and we have a problem…a big one. I personally, hate to see Josh when he’s not calm, cool and collected, and I can only imagine how wrong that can go in real life.

Hopefully, Heather has seen the light (since this was taped many moons ago), and recognizes that being separate in their professional endeavors will allow them to have professional happenings to share during their quality times at home, but will also keep them from having their personal lives overrun by real estate. As a couple, it is imperative that this time is used to get to know each other –even better than they do now. This is the time for deep discussions about our future and our children, NOT to be distracted by some deal that went South the day before, nor to explore the quickest way to entice a buyer for a $20.2 million compound in the Hollywood Hills.

What anyone can learn from this situation, is that if you have a significant other who is actively taking responsibility for the success of the relationship, then that is a good thing…this is what Josh did. I give Josh kudos for standing up for his relationship and saying that working together may create situations that may impact our ability to stay together. I give Heather kudos for being upset at first, but accepting the reality and–even if she doesn’t mean it–showing solidarity with Altman’s decision. Ultimately, this is what marriage is about–being teammates. As such is the case, “Team Altman-Bilyeu” is on the right track.

Congrats!

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Update: Josh and Heather wed in 2016 after a three-year engagement. Congrats!

Celebrity Love Notes: What I Told Evelyn Lozada About Chad Ochocinco

Posted on September 17, 2013April 3, 2017 by Coach Steph

With the new season of Basketball Wives, we are now forced to relive the saga that is the short-lived marriage of Evelyn Lozada and Chad Ochocinco.

First things first…this relationship started off with a major handicap. When you sleep someone on the first date (or very early in the dating process), you lose the ability to learn more about the person. Now you’re just looking for more sex–especially if the sex is good.

Secondly, Evelyn ignored some key signs that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband. In my honest professional opinion, Chad is a nice guy, and while I believe there is more to the “headbutt” story, the truth is that Chad wasn’t ready to be a husband. Now, post-incident, she spends much of her on-camera time with therapists and getting her life “fixed” (you know what I mean). However, I humbly ask the question of why wasn’t this time spent pre-nuptials with the both of them working to put this relationship on a viable path-if one existed? Evelyn is a beautiful woman, however, wisdom is what is most needed when choosing a mate. Take heed.

If Evelyn was my client, I would tell her that choosing a boyfriend and then deciding if that boyfriend can be a husband is a process. And, in order to make that process work well, physical intimacy has to be left put of the equation, and the emphasis should be placed on getting to know each other and assessing how this person’s past has affected them. There has to be a certain amount of diligence when learning about someone, and again, when sex is one facet of the relationship, learning about the other facets becomes a real challenge.

When someone you are interested in shares tales of tragic childhoods, deadbeat fathers, dead end relationships, and the like, you don’t have to disqualify them, but your antennae should go up and your new mission is to learn how these past occurrences affect them today. Do they hate women because of something their mother did? Or is their definition of manhood based on the teachings of a “rolling stone” father? This is important! It’s even more important than how great they are in the sack, or how successful they are. These are the hard questions that no one wants to ask. But if you’re considering this person for the rest of your life, then that is nothing to take lightly.

What anyone can learn from this situation: Just as I “told” Kris Humphries, there were signs before you walked down the aisle that this union may not have been for you, or may not have been ready to become the relationship that you want it to be.

Marriage is serious business. We’re talking about two people, becoming one, and making a covenant with Divine power. People have minimized it to a pre-nuptial agreement and something that a divorce can get you out of, but don’t be confused by the trite behavior displayed by popular culture. And, don’t get trapped or caught in a situation that could’ve been avoided with diligent investigation and dedicated time spent communicating INSTEAD of consummating.

Now, if they decide to reconcile, there are major issues that should be dealt with…but I will address that in another article.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Disclaimer: Just so it’s clearly stated, Coach Steph has not nor is currently working with Evelyn Lozada or Chad Ochocinco. This article is simply a professional perspective on how the elements of this relationship can affect others, as well as what others can learn from this incident.

Stop the Pain! Here are Four Reasons They Treat you So Bad…

Posted on August 23, 2013October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

Recently I encountered a random question on Facebook about being with an inconsiderate person. The question was, “how do you handle this?”

My response was, “that’s not the right question.” (At least that is the first sentence…)

Look at what you are asking. You, considerate person, are asking how to deal with someone who is the opposite. But, based on the question, it is quite clear that you have no affinity for this behavior; however, for the sake of having a relationship…you are inquiring how you should “handle” it.

Reason Number One: You are not putting yourself first. Now, I’m sure this is not a new phrase, people say it all the time. Here’s my take: putting yourself first doesn’t just mean loving yourself and holding yourself in high esteem. It’s also about knowing your boundaries and sticking to your dealbreakers. It’s about observing a person’s behavior, BEFORE you decide that they are worthy of sharing a relationship with you.

Got it?

Reason Number Two: You’re doing ordinary things, and expecting extraordinary results. No matter how good you are, at whatever “kinky” acts you bring to the table. If you haven’t noticed, that doesn’t stop them from treating you badly. Why? Because what you’re doing is no different than the last person. The sex…the catering…whatever you’re giving them, they have had that before. But since you’ve convinced yourself that you are special (and you are, just not because of that thing you do), you’re expecting them to be mesmerized by those acts. Ever considered doing the opposite of what the other or previous person has done. Hmmmm…

Reason Number Three: There are no consequences. People will continue to engage in the behavior that you reward or allow. While I am not a fan of the “make them pay” mentality, I also think that it is ludicrous for someone to hurt you and then you turn around and lavish gifts and affection on them. If nothing else, this person should know how you feel, because you CALMLY and NICELY let them know that you don’t appreciate ___________. Too many people sit in silence and excruciating pain in an attempt to keep their relationship. That’s a price that is too high.

Reason Number Four: YOU LET THEM! You handle the inconsiderate behaviors; you tolerate disrespectful words thrown your way, and as long as you do…this is what you will receive.

If you were at a store and someone kept bringing you items that you did not want, would you just take them, PAY for them, and leave the store? No, and if you did, people would think that was ridiculous.

Now, here’s the big question: You knew all of these things before you read this article. Now that your suspicions have been once again confirmed, what are YOU going to do? You are worthy of better, you deserve better, and if they cannot do better, then you have options. I encourage you to be a wise person and choose what is best for you.

Don’t live in the situation that you just read about. Learn more about The Relationship Firm and what we can do to “fix” your relationship.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Relationship Stuff: Why Sex Matters

Posted on August 14, 2013October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

It’s not uncommon for people who are dating to want to get to know each other. They spend time together and, hopefully, have a good time. Walking together, talking for hours, finding out silly little things we have in common.

Uh-oh.

Because usually when two people have a good time, they want to have a better time. And, that “better time” normally means sex.

No big deal, right?

Wrong!

Sex is a huge deal. It’s not casual or incidental. It’s major!

Here’s why sex matters:
This is not the STD, pregnancy, blah, blah, blah. You’re a grown up, and if you don’t know that by now that sex can lead to STDs and pregnancy, then just stop reading now…because the rest is going to BLOW…YOUR…MIND!

Ok, you’re still here. So, here are a few more reasons why sex matters.

Reason One: You’re literally intertwined with another person
This is a big deal, and the part that most people over look. For those 20 to may 60 minutes, you are one. And, being one with someone that you merely like, don’t know that well, or simply wanted to have some fun with, can be detrimental. You’re not just one with their body…you are one with their mind…their soul…AND THEIR ISSUES. And the connection doesn’t end when the deal is done.

Gasps!

No wonder you became confrontational after your last rendezvous with you-know-who. Because you-know-who loves confrontation! While they may have left a smile on your face, they also left a residue.

This is the part where you should be a wee bit grossed out.

Don’t worry….I’ll wait.

So, to keep this brief, I will stop right here, but I challenge you to take just 30 seconds before your next intimate moment, and consider what that person is really giving you. And, if think they’re hot, but hate their attitude, consider that your about to open yourself up (no pun intended) to being the very thing you hate. On the other hand, if you love their attitude, this doesn’t exclude you, because nice people still have issues.

Bottom line: This is just one BIG reason (out of many BIG reasons) why sex matters.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Microblog*: When all fails…PRAY!

Posted on June 12, 2013August 10, 2013 by Coach Steph

Before you think I am doing my holy thing again…consider the following: You have been patient, kind, understanding, and the situation is no better than it was before you started such a campaign…right? Exactly. So, what do you have to lose by believing that just maybe there is a power greater than lil’ ol’ you who can make some change come about? Nothing. At the end of the day, all you have sacrificed is a still moment and one whispered request. And for those of you who don’t believe, you don’t have to sacrifice a thing. Voila! #CoachStephHasSpoken

*Microblogs are brought to you in 140 words or less. It’s our fun take on the Twitter 140 character limit. You like?

Celebrity Love Notes: FUSTERCLUCK! Three Couples that should NEVER be your Role Models

Posted on June 11, 2013October 31, 2013 by Coach Steph

Update: This list will continue in a another installment. 😉

It’s no secret, television impacts our relationships. When shows like “Donna Reed”, and “Father Knows Best” blessed the airwaves, people wanted strong marriages, nice houses and picket fences. Even though we now know of the “Brady Bunch’s” off-screen antics, their saccharin-sweet show was a pioneer in showing people that a blended family could work. Then came the iconic “Cosby Show” a family that many Americans at that time could identify with–and most wanted to be like.

AND THEN IT ALL WENT DOWN HILL!

Unfortunately, there are new shows every season, and some of my favorites, display some of the most dysfunctional relationships ever. So, let me make it clear what doesn’t work by showing you at least three (although there are soooooooo many more) that should never be your relationship role models.

Up first…Carrie Bradshaw and “Mr. Big;” To this day, I watch Sex and the City and wonder why we thought this was a good idea. As the show progressed, we saw the pure dysfunction of this relationship, but since it ultimately ended in marriage, now many single women believe that if I just give it some time (even a decade), it will work out.

Why they cannot be your role models: Carrie and Big were never honest about their feelings. When situations arose, they were not dealt with in a mature manner. If you remember, the first wedding ceremony was cancelled because of how Big was feeling. This is not adult behavior. While smoothed over by placing the blame on a statement by Miranda and Carrie’s selfish Vogue article, know that in real life, this relationship is probably not viable long-term. No one has the time to constantly decipher what is going on with their mate. And, if you do…it might be time to call me.

Next…Meredith and Derrick: Grey’s Anatomy has kept us intrigued for quite some with these two and their shenanigans. Again, another dysfunctional relationship culminating with “I do.” Another example of a relationship that doesn’t work unless someone is yelling cut and there’s a team of writers in a back room.

Why they cannot be your role models: This relationship was built on sex. These people didn’t know a thing about each other. But, the sex endeared them to each other. If Meredith hadn’t slept with Derrick, (and these were real people), when she found out he was married, it probably would’ve been the end of the relationship.

Sex changes things, and usually it starts with your vision.

When you can see a relationship clearly, it cannot take over your life, and you stand a better chance of avoiding the “fustercluck” of it all.

I will save Scandal for another time–because some things go with saying…even if he is the President of the United States.

Lastly (for this part)…Tamara and Eddie: The way that reality TV has taken over our ability to think straight is horrific. But, to be fair, I have to give a bit of attention to one of the most dysfunctional relationships on our small screens. And, they too, are now married.

Why they cannot be your role models: Sadly, the foundation of this relationship doesn’t seem solid. Unlike the previous couples, these are real people, and from the beginning, there was utter confusion. Tamara chose to be with Eddie, instead of mourning the end of her marriage to Simon. Eddie never exposed his machismo side…until recently. Now, the reality (no pun intended) is setting in, and I am afraid that this marriage doesn’t have the strong foundation it needs to survive.

Ultimately, we should do our best to leave the sex out of our relationships until we know the person THOROUGHLY with their clothes on….or until he puts a ring on it (and not just an engagement ring). But, most people don’t want to hear or do that, so many are doomed to deal with real issues after the I do…and they might start to think that they don’t. Not only does the sex impact the relationship, but the inability to communicate difficulties or challenges is a red flag for your relationship’s future. Communication can make and break any relationship–and has. So, don’t be a victim. When someone shows you who they are, believe them (Maya Angelou).

But that’s all for now…back to your relationships…Coach Steph Has Spoken!

Are you Ashamed? (It’s Okay if you are…)

Posted on May 21, 2013August 10, 2013 by Coach Steph

You think about it all the time, and you wonder what has happened to the thing that used to bring you so much joy and happiness. You’ve tried to fix it, but it’s just not right. You talk without resolution, and now you’re beginning to believe that you’re settling. Your friends ask how the two of you are doing, and you have no idea how to respond. Do you tell them about your how unhappy you are, or do you continue to sing the praises of your privately dysfunctional relationship? Decisions, decisions.

Just admit it…you’re ashamed of your relationship.

It’s okay.

It happens in the best relationships. Two people come together, and create a wonderful connection and begin to plan their future together. It’s a healthy relationship. Conflicts are resolved, and compromises are upheld. This awesome pair soon hears the buzz of how perfect they are together and the inevitability of wedding bells.

It has worked…well…until now.

Now you’re confused. And, while the relationship hasn’t changed drastically, you don’t feel the same way. Perhaps some promises weren’t kept to your expectations, or some of your most recent discussions didn’t seem to merit the attention once given by your significant other. In fact, you might even be wondering what you might have done wrong, or to this person to bring the relationship to this points. Whatever happened…you’ve developed feelings of unhappiness…and again, it’s okay.

In order to push past this season of being ashamed, a few questions must first be answered:

One: Do you still want to be in a relationship with this person? If so, then you may have to admit that the two of you need a little help. I have to say that I find it odd that couples do not seek professional help when things are going awry. If you know that you are compatible (not just attracted to each other) and have hit a little rough spot, there is nothing wrong with calling in a coach, or counselor to help you…there’s NOTHING to be ashamed of. In one of my most recent mediations, it became clear that both parties were saying the same thing, but hearing each other differently. It is amazing just how often this happens. Once I helped them hear each other, they were “fixed” and ready to get back to building a great relationship. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with this person…then, stop reading, request information on my uniquely create breakup process, called D-Method, and let’s begin your relationship rehab, STAT!

Two: Have you been fair to this person? Have you been CLEARLY communicating your expectations and THEN holding your signif (significant other) to them? Or, have you been expecting them to read your mind and act accordingly? Sometimes we become complacent with our levels of communication, especially in a strong, long-standing relationship. We believe that the other person can read our minds, and because of that, we become lax in our communications with them. If you are guilty of this, there is only one thing to do…*pause for dramatic effect* …apologize. Openly admit that this is what you’ve been doing, and how you think it’s been impacting the relationship.

Three: Is it time for a vacation? Sometimes we all need to get away. Away from work, life, the chatter of our friends and family members…just get away. Stress impacts every relationship in your life, and if you two (or one of you) is not recharging his or her battery, it can become detrimental to the relationship. Consider the case of a couple in my book, “The Business of Dating,” who were being impacted by his long hours and her desire to be flexible, but still a priority. The stress and demands of his job were about to not only effect but terminate the relationship. Don’t be a victim of poor work-life balance…pack your bags and get out of dodge!

As I said before, it’s okay if you’ve become ashamed of your relationship. But, that doesn’t have to be the end of the love story. Visit www.NoLoveLeftBehind.com and find a program that will help get you and your signif out of struggling and BACK into snuggling. Trust me, it can be done.

#CoachStephHasSpoken